He takes care of our kid (4F) full time before she starts going to school but I am resentful as I am the only breadwinner. He doesn't have any plans to make any money for us though he used to a few years ago. He wants to continue being his mom's full time caregiver. Is this normal?
I would A priority a consultation with a divorce lawyer centering on you getting full custody of your daughter. It’s clear only you are putting her first.
An additional thing that concerns me about unpaid caregivers is that if a caregiver is the agent for the care recipient's financial power of attorney or becomes a joint holder of a bank account ("for convenience"), the caregiver might be motivated to dip into the care recipient's funds.
There were additional issues between my then husband and me. If he and his dad had said there would be no payments for the caregiving, I would have severed our marriage sooner than I did.
This is a f'd up situation and it sounds like you and your autistic daughter are getting the short end of the stick here.
Your husband must really want his moms money bad that he's willing to wipe her a$$ and vagina to make sure she's good and clean so she doesn't get any UTI's and the like.
I know of NO man that would ever do that for their mom inheritance or not. I'm just saying.
I have a son and hell would have to freeze over before I would allow him to do that for me. I'm just saying.
"He said he wants to continue to take care of mom, will shuttle our kid back and forth to activities. and will be in charge of appointments etc.
He keeps telling me his mom is not doing well and holds it over my head. That his mom is family too and she doesn’t have a lot of time left. And he refuses to get paid by her formally as a caregiver because there is an inheritance involved. He has one sibling who also gets the inheritance but who doesn’t visit much.
You are right that a 4yo needs way more simulation. Planning for a part time preschool 5 days a week and then extending to full time."
I'm glad your little one will be going to preschool, my kids both loved preschool. The husband is going to be an ongoing problem until he is able to accept that he has to function as a husband and father first, then as an adult child of his mom's second. Way second.
Is his mom still living "independently"? He will end up ruining his health along with his marriage if he's going to stay stuck on this idea of doing everything for her instead of moving her somewhere appropriate for her stage of life. She needs more stimulation than being alone in a house too.
And worrying about inheritance is crazy, for anyone under any circumstances. Of course she should pay him if he's going to work for her. Really pay him, with an accountant to make sure money is deducted for social security and the whole nine yards. If and when she needs care that imaginary inheritance may be needed to pay her way.
"He wants to continue being his mom's full time caregiver." This is a very different topic, not to be lumped in with being a stay at home dad to a young child. And whether it's "normal" or not it's not sustainable and it's not being a good husband.
Have you talked to your husband about what his plans are for when your daughter is in full day school? That would be a common time for the stay at home parent to re-enter the work force. And that would be the time for you to become resentful if he won't.
If he is living with mom, the child’s enrichment is thus a demented grandma who may herself be expecting enrichment. She
I eventually insisted that he be paid by his parents to be their caregiver. I was not successful in persuading him and his father to have the payments be by check. He (ex-H) told me that his dad said he wanted the payments to be under the table. I kept track of the arrangement; doing so turned out to be useful when I filed for divorce about 5 years later.
I would have the same expectations for a woman in a relationship. Unpaid labor for a parent or parents should not take priority over the marriage, children, and the home.
Ask yourself this. If his mother (your MIL) is so bad off and has to have him with her 24/7 to meet her care needs, how can he also watch his 4 year old daughter? Your child is not in pre-school at her age? He could be doing online work during this time to earn money for his wife, child, and the marital household. I had two husbands and both of them would beg in the street rather than freeload off of me or their families.
What kind of a man with an ounce of respect for himself and his family is willing to live like this? You say he's 51 years old. So he started a family with you when he was in his late 40's. He doesn't get to stop earning now because he doesn't want to work anymore or because his mother needs caregiving. True, work can be hard to find at his age and he may not get work in his field. He may have to take a pay cut. Or work a job that he believes is beneath him. No job in the world is lower than a grown man freeloading off of his wife and mother and not providing for his child. If he wants his job to be caregiving for his mother, she has to start paying him. Then he needs to send that money over to you for support of the marital household and his child.
The not living together with you and his daughter is what raises the red flag here with me. That arrangement sure sounds like a man who does not want to be a married family man anymore. Maybe you would do well to have a free consultation with a divorce lawyer and just explain your situation.
Tell your husband now that if he wants to remain married to you, he gets a job and comes home. If his paying 'job' is taking care of his mother, he brings in a caregiver to stay with her (that she pays for) when he goes home at night to his wife and child. If she can't afford it, she goes into a memory care facility.
I truly hope things work out for you and your husband returns to you and his child being his top priority. If it doesn't, you deserve far better than how you're living now. Don't settle for this kind of life.
As far as job prospects, online is mostly over. But as we’ve seen over and over here, there’s a high and steady demand for male caregivers. Mom can pay him. Or IHSS can pay him. Or he can sign up for any number of facilities and agencies to get paid. You’re absolutely right, though. This is his child. His getting paid to support her must be his number 1 priority.
Op, please look into head start preschool for your child.
Maybe suggest his Mom *PAY* him for providing 24/7 care? If not, why not? Or, is he biding his time waiting for the inheritance of her house and assets? Does he have siblings?
In the end it is weird of him to live apart from his family and think this is totally ok and won't have repercussions at some point. It may be time for couples therapy. You need to decide what you're willing to tolerate. There's such a thing as "Quiet Quitting", where a spouse basically recedes from the marital relationship but stays in the home/relationship, not wanting to go through a divorce. Maybe that's what he's doing?
Since being on this forum almost daily since 2019 I've come across a few posts where one of the spouses is living with (or practically living with) the needy parent.
You may want to see the therapist first by yourself and figure out what you want.
You do realize that if his mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's that it can go on for 20+ years right? Are you willing to be the only breadwinner for that long?
Your husband OBVIOUSLY has his priorities mixed up as it should be you, your marriage, and your daughter who come WAY before his mom, so perhaps it's time for a wake up call for hubby, by moving out with your daughter if you're all living together and filing separation papers through the courts.
If that doesn't wake him up and make him fly right I doubt anything will.
Bottom line here is that you and your daughter deserve SO much better. I hope you realize that.
How long have you been married? Was your husband always passive, a slacker, or was he a good and responsible contributor to the household?
A lot of men are "Momma's Boys" and he may really be struggling emotionally with his mom's needs and her physical/ mental decline.
I think it's admirable he wants to take care of his mom, as long as he's not using this as an excuse to avoid real responsibility.
What does his mother need? Does she need a full time caregiver? Does she need help with activities of daily living? You say his has been living with his mom for 2 years. Does she live with you? Do you live in her home? Is your husband an absent husband, living apart from you?
If your mother in law is eligible for Medicaid's Home and Community Based Services, it is possible your husband could be paid to be her caregiver.
I've asked a lot of questions because it is really up to you to determine whether you are comfortable with this arrangement. I had several long term relationships with men who were passive and non-responsible before I met my husband. I was 48 when I got married, because it took me that long to find a man I could count on to really be there for me; someone who could make a decision on his own, and could tell me "No". There's nothing wrong with your husband wanting to take care of his mother. If it is a problem for you, then you need to talk with him about it and decide whether your marriage can weather this phase. His mother could live another 10 to 20 years like this. Ask him what his level of commitment is to being by her side and what is his commitment to you and your daughter?
Your mother in law can live many years like this. My father had dementia for ten years before he died from it.
He needs to be a husband and father first. If your MIL has savings, it should be used to pay for her care.