Hi. I moved from another city and (over time) have assumed the role of family caregiver. My mother is aging in place and is 94. I have been doing this for 10 years and feel stuck and unhappy. I am retired (now 65) and this is not the retirement that I had imagined for myself. I want to put proper supports in place for her and return to my previous city. I have a sense that I would be much happier again. Some days, I feel engulfed in a sense of despair.
I have a sibling in the area who would then take on more: I would still visit/help as often as I could after the move.
I am wondering if anyone else is planning to step back from this role. It has felt exceptionally difficult lately, and I would appreciate the support.
I am now retired, and my life is wonderful. I have no intention of doing any full-time caregiving. I help out occasionally when I can, but being immersed in all that is just not for me.
We both lived her life, aging
me, instead of her.
🤷♀️
I'll call that 'Aging in Place'.
We hadva client when I worked for the VNA. I watched her one day sit in our drive ready to drive out into traffic. I could not see beyond the house next door so when she finally went out the drive I thought it was because no traffic was coming, wrong, she almost was hit. When my boss brought it up to the son that Mom should not be driving or maybe living alone his response was "We want Mom to live in her house as long as she can." At this point She was in her late 80s. She was a member of my Church and we allvsaw the decline. She lived in a house with almost 10 steps going to the front door and that many going down to her celler. Not a safe place for her. TG her longtime neighbors watched out for her which was unfair because they were the same age with their own health problems. I think what finally got her son moving was when she was found sitting in her gazabo with just her underware on. She was placed inva home and passed at age 93.
I was a caregiver for a long time by profession and one to my mother. I live by this rule.
-Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.-
It's okay for you to change the "terms" on how you caregive for someone when the situation no longer works for you. It no longer works for you.
Stick to your plans. Your mother is supposed to go into a retirement home and is what you're offering now. Either she takes it or she doesn't. Way too many of our elderly 'loved ones' expect that our lives are supposed to be lived in providing them with the lives they want in their old age.
It doesn't work like that.
You put in ten years. You deserve to have a life now.
Once the elder requires SO much care that the children are ruining their lives and retirements providing it, it's time to hold up the white flag of surrender and resign the post. Hire 24/7 caregivers to come in and a housekeeper and groundskeeper, etc, or place them in managed care. Period.
You cannot forget to honor YOURSELF and your own life while honoring your parent. That's not the goal.
I have asked myself why did I continue my hands on caregiving journey for so long.
The main reasons were that I promised my dad that I would care for my mother. Plus, she lost her home and immediately needed a place to live.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I also didn’t know how hard the end stages of Parkinson’s disease would become.
I was blindsided by the circumstances at the time.
Mom lost her home in hurricane Katrina. Her home had nine feet of water and had to be demolished.
This was my childhood home and it was an emotional time for all of us. All I wanted to do was to comfort my mom.
Plus, the entire city was out of commission. It was quite a while before we could even get back home from evacuating.
The years go by and we realize that we were thinking with our heart instead of our head. We become emotionally and physically exhausted.
When I thought about my situation more deeply, I realized that I taught my mother to be solely dependent upon me.
Eventually, I did hire agency caregivers to help me so I could take a break.
Mom knew that she needed care. She didn’t like that I sacrificed so much of my life for her. She did well with the agency caregivers.
When we are in these situations, I truly feel that it sets us up for an unhealthy codependency.
If I had to do things over again, I would have made her stay with us temporary until I found a facility for her to live in.
Mom died in an end of life hospice care home at age 95. She received excellent care and died peacefully.
I hope that you will be able to sort your situation out soon. Wishing you and your family all the best.
I had that sense today after I left Mom’s apartment—the unhealthy codependency that you are talking about.
You did your very best for your Mom with what you had to work with at the time.
I read your replies and totally understand the feeling that you may lose confidence in having a life that you want . You can get lost in the caregiving role . I had difficulty partially transitioning back to my life after my mother went in a facility , and then again when she died , and I no longer had to worry about Mom’s needs.
Definitely go thru with your plans .
About your mother possibly deciding to continue to age in place . You and your sister do not have to feel obligated to support that . You can step back and let Mom try to hire caregivers and figure out on her own that she would be better off in a retirement facility .
Good Luck to you .
I have to go through with my plans—I will break it down into steps.
Just go, and let the next stage in this, start to work itself out. No-one can predict how well it will go, but this way it has taken over your life. Don't get caught by a feeling that no-one else could possibly do this as well as you.
I already have realtors (here and there), and am waiting for a better time to sell/the market to turn around here. I would like to list in early 2025. That gives me time to get things in place for our Mom. I also need to do things to get this place ready to sell.
Yes. I do want to go.
The semi-indepenant may need pop in visits & help settting up services to help them.
Then comes the dependant stage.
Option A: age in place, with help
(family if possible)
Option B: age in place with help
(family PLUS home service staff)
Option C: age in a NEW place
(move into a Care Home where help exists onsite)
Or lastly,
Option D: demise (die at home)
Preferable peacefully in your sleep.
Often the wish, sometimes the goal or the 'promise' but not really within our power. Unless we choose VSED.
TIme for a new plan that works for BOTH of you ❤️
You do not mention if you are POA. If you are you cannot back off until you have safety in place for your elder.
It's time to sit with sister and find out what happens if you leave.
I think that it may be time for placement for your mom's safety and your and your sisters sanity and own lives.
I agree with you. I am 81. My daughter is 62. She nears retirement now. It would slay me to think she would throw her life onto the funeral pyre coming to me. This isn't what I want for her and this is something we have long discussed as did my parents discuss this with ME.
24/7 care by family of an elderly loved one isn't expected in my history, nor even wanted. It turns a daughter from being a loving daughter with a life of her own to an anxious, nervous wreck, entrapped in the end of her parent's life like a fly in amber.
You at 65 have a time for some of the most free years of your life. My daughter is near the end of her career, her husband already retired, their son through college and in a good job. Now is THEIR time, with a mortgage that is paid, to travel, to enjoy life while they are still fit and healthy. GOD FORBID that they throw this away with trying to take care of their elders.
Discuss with Sister.
DIscuss with mother.
Begin to explore placement options now.
Who is PoA for your Mom? I wouldn't ask your sister to take over caregiving without someone having this legal authority for your Mom, and it should be the local caregiver.
Aging-in-place just means eventually a circus of people and services orbit around your Mom, when she could have everything in 1 place in a good facility and you/your sister get peace of mind and your lives back. Eventually 24/7 in-home care exceeds the cost of a facility plus the management of it all.
I would think long and hard about agreeing to have her stay in her apartment unless she's willing and able to pay for aids that are not your sister, or cover most of the care for your sister. You should have your sister be caregiver for a month then she decides if she can do it longer-term.
I'm an only child (65) and live next door to my 94-yr old Mom. She is semi-independent. The agreement is the minute she's unsafe in her home or I'm overwhelmed/burned out she will transition into a facility. There's one 3 miles from our house (where my MIL currently is). Sometimes she expresses unhappiness at this plan. Someone's going to be unhappy. It's just not going to be me, for her sake.
If the caregiving arrangement is onerous for the caregiver then the arrangement isn't working and is unsustainable.
I wanted to stay in my fun share-house.. but my life changed.
The circle comes back around. From living in a room as a baby, a family home, maybe a share-house or university dorm, apartment, house if lucky then the downsizing begins. Apartment/condo, independant living unit, bedroom (with ensuite if fortunate).
Only natural to be fearful of change.
But change happens.
I have only stepped up by placing both my mother and step-mother in facilities, one in AL the other in MC. Yes, my brother and I oversee their care but neither of us are/were interested in giving up our entire life by living with them, not going to happen.
As for your mother, it is no longer about what she wants but what she needs which is obviously 24/7 care.
Time for you to get your life back, your mother has lived hers.
Sending support your way.
What you're proposing is not going to be easy. For one thing, counting on sibling - no matter how much help you think mom will get - may not work. It's notorious for not working! Reason: Sibling has no idea how much you do or how much they'll be taking on. They think they do, but until they've actually done it, they can't imagine the toll it takes. And then they'll want out, just as you do (and there is NOTHING wrong with that).
Aging in place always sucks for somebody, usually the elder's daughter(s). It's the one who needs help who should accommodate to the situation. That would be mom. She's been sapping your energy for 10 years now. She's probably gone downhill quite a bit, and if she's 94, she's going to get worse, never better. Mom needs to be in a continuing care retirement facility where she'll get 24/7 care by professionals. She can start out in independent living (if she qualifies), move to assisted living, and then to skilled nursing and memory care when and if the time comes.
The way you're proposing to go about this will chew you and sibling up and spit you out, much the worse for wear. If you've moved, how happy do you think you're going to be when mom calls and wants you to come deal with her water heater? Or she's out of butter and wants it now? Or the night caregiver didn't show up? Read posts here on this very subject. None of the posters expected to be in the miserable position they're in.
You and sibling deserve to live your lives, not be servant to an elder who made no plan for old age other than you. Is that kind? Is that fair? Is it workable loooooonnnngg term? No, no and no.
I've done similar servitude for both parents, so I know that trapped feeling. That's why I'm advising you to find a good place for mom, sell her house to pay for it, and hightail it back to were you want to be. Martyrdom is not mandatory! And mom will learn to enjoy having new friends and activities, leaving her much better off.
Our mother is on a waiting-list to go into a retirement-home, but I have a sense that she will want to remain in her apartment.
I would prefer that she move into the retirement-home before I leave, but don’t want to be held hostage here by her if she chooses to remain in her apartment. I have found an in-home support service—she would get one consistent caregiver (and the choice of a replacement caregiver or re-scheduling of the service in the event of illness).
My sibling and I have our issues; however, we have always been able to work collaboratively on behalf of our mother.
You are absolutely correct, though: she is not here, and really has no idea of how much is involved in keeping Mom aging in place.
Many scenarios, some of which you will see described on this forum, are where one sibling is stuck in the role, other siblings do not want help nearly as much as the primary one, and it leads to resentment and more unhappiness.
If your sibling is able to do more, then for sure! You deserve a break now! Maybe can hire some in house help via an agency, so it is not 24/7 work for your sibling?
I know exactly what you mean about it being ingrained. I have been feeling very stuck. It’s expected now. The long-term caregiving role has had an impact on my mental health: I am losing confidence in my ability to change my life, and have the sense that I need to leave before I give up in despair.