I want to go away after MIL service to be alone and grieve. I want to go to a spiritual place. By myself. Any suggestions?
My father, 91, passed November 27th at 23:00. I am the nurse, the daughter, the next door neighbor. My MIL passed 13 days after. I cared for both parents since 1999. My Mom had Alzheimer's and passed in 2003. My dad had been wanting to join her...very isolative , depressed and no living friends. My brothers are both attorneys in other states and didn't really know how to "help". I needed respite care for years. As care givers, you understand how obsessed you can be with small details. I could never enjoy a meal without thinking about left-overs for my Dad. Anyway. My dad wanted no obituary, service...to be cremated. I honored his wishes. I'm unsure if my brothers even cried. I have been crying inside and out for almost 20 years. I'm desperate to sell his house and ours because the memories are too hard to bear. My Mither-in Law passed 13 days after my dad. My MIL comes from a very large family and tears, memories, poems and everything being planned for this Friday. My husband is comforting his family. I'm happy for him. I feel selfishly sad, however, that my Dads passing was not celebrated due to dysfunctional family dynamics. I of course, will attend my MIL funeral, services, etc....but it will make me sad that ( selfishly) did not receive love compassion and support of my two brothers. The excuse " I really don't know what to do"....is unacceptable. I, even though a nurse, and daughter and next door neighbor didn't always know what to do but I did something....anything and everything I could to help. I want to go away after MIL service to be alone and grieve. I want to go to a spiritual place. By myself. Any suggestions?
Two deaths so close together would be a challenge for anyone, let alone without the sympathy of family. You probably know that you can't do anything about their responses; you can only focus on your own reactions, feelings and trauma.
What relaxes and brings solitude for you? Being outdoors, reading, listening to music? (I find solace in being and communing with nature, even if it's just a walk in a quiet, peaceful area.) Artwork? Crafts? Helping others?
Experiment with different things you do that can be transcendental and focus on yourself. Your family will deal with their loss in their own way.
And please accept my condolences on these deaths so close together. That would challenge anyone, so please recognize that and be very kind to yourself.
This must be especially hard, given the "physician heal thyself" aspect there is to your situation, and I'm very sorry for it.
My relationship with my siblings - two brothers and a sister - has broken down irretrievably, only partly (if quite a big part) because of caregiving. But of all the difficulties I still have coping with the fallout, I do understand that people's relationships with their parents vary enormously and I don't blame them for not wanting to be actively involved in my mother's later life and care.
Unfortunately, well-meaning comforters do tend to hand out a lot of clichés - like "grief is not a competition" - and hooey - like "they DO care, in their own way." The first part does remind you that your brothers' responses to your parents' passing really can't be your problem, which is some help; it's the second part that grates. "No they didn't care, but that's a choice they had a right to make" sits a little easier.
Just looking again at the dates: you are still at the very raw stages, don't you think? Perhaps it might be best to get MIL's rites completely out of the way, and then explain to your husband that you need a break to sit still and think. Is he likely to be understanding of your need for some solitude?
You wonder if they even cried at all, of course they could not have felt the level of grief that you feel because they were not intimately involved in your parent's daily lives, but may they be grieving that they were kept at arms length?
I don't know your family dynamic beyond what you have shared, but I hear a longing for better, closer ties to your sibs. Perhaps it is not too late to extend an olive branch and to build a closer relationship in the future.
As for your brothers - I understand. My mom is 97 and she lives a mile from me. I took care of her and my dad for 7 years and my mom alone now for an additional 7 years so far (so 14 years total). My brother lives in another state and hasn't been back home for six years. He's a retired millionare, married, no kids. You'd *think* he'd want to visit his mom, right? Not so much. He also didn't come home when my dad died. My folks want no services and are cremated, so I guess my brother didn't feel a need to visit when dad died.
I used to be very, very angry about his apparent lack of care about my mom. I was finally able to accept that my anger and frustration was hurting me and not bothering him in the least. So I let it go. I also came to understand that the relationship between my brother and my mom was THEIR deal, not mine. So I no longer felt that pressure to try to make my brother care enough to visit.
Once my mom goes, I'll reevaluate our relationship to decide if I want him in my life or not. We have a "good" relationship in his mind - I think he's totally clueless about how I feel. In 14 years, I can count on one hand the number of times my brother or his wife have ever made an effort to thank me for taking care of mom and dad.
When I held all that anger, I imagined going away for a month to a fat farm to reset my mental state and lose weight when my mom died. Now that I've kind of let that anger go, I don't have that need for that kind of release and reset. I'm more at peace with my choices and my brother's choices. So I wish peace for you too...you've done your best and that's who you are. Let your brothers deal with their choices.
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