I joined this site because I need advice or input on what to do about my situation. I am 30 years old and have been taking care of my parents for over a year now. I pay their bills, insurance, car payment, etc. Both my mother and father do not work. My father was fired from his job about 2 years ago and went thru his whole retirement in 1 year. He has been an alcoholic all his life and just recently found out he has prostate cancer so he is depressed and can not work now and the cancer is possibly spreading. My mother, who has been a stay at home mom most of her life, started to work at a few nursing homes about 8 years ago and ended up injuring her arm at one and her foot at another so she is unable to work now too. My dad is 55 years old and my mother is 52 years old. I have to constantly tell my parents what to do when it comes to filling out paper work for financial help from the government and have told them both to file for disability to see if they get approved, but they have not yet and keep telling me they will do it. Both of them have the mentality that they are too old to do anything like go back to school to learn a new trade as well. I have two little brothers. One is an alcoholic and the other brother is a drug abuser. Both of them are unemployed and still live at home with my parents so everything is bestowed upon me. I am married and would like to start my family soon, but feel obligated to take care of my parents as well. My husband wants me to cut them off financially.
In this case, al-anon could be a huge help, because of the alcoholism involved, but even without the alcoholism, people can get so sucked into giving their lives to caregiving that they have absolutely no life, themselves. Outside help is often needed.
Thanks so much for this tremendous input.
Carol
If the sins of the Father are visited upon the son, then alcoholism is certainly one of those sins. It runs in families until someone in the family recognizes and changes the pattern. You have the awareness and strength to change generations of abuse which has been visited upon the sons and daughters (you included). You can make the difference where generations before you have failed! It will take all your willpower to stay the course because just like your family you have grown accustom to these behaviors and changing them will feel strange and harsh at times, which is probably why no one has changed yet.
You must have support and al-anon is a place where you can get it. There are people there who have already gone through this and understand what you're facing. You can heal the generations that came before you as well as the ones that will follow you, THAT'S HUGE! That makes you a very special and valuable person. Determined that the sins of your forefathers will no longer be visited upon you or your future kids. You really can do this, I know I was there too.
Carol
You don't need to give up your own life for them, even though you love them. They can get help filling out papers. It seems they need to feel responsible for themselves before they will do anything. You can advise them as to where to go for the paperwork, and then you may have to let them crash, financially. You could find that they suddenly find ways to get along on their own.
Don't let this ruin your marriage and your hopes of a family. You deserve a life, too. It's agonizing to detach and cut off family, and I hope your husband will give you lots of support, should you go that way. Please seek out Al-Anon or Families Anonymous for extra support and understanding.
Carol