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Just be there and share his mood for now. It is normal to be sad. If he can work through these feelings by going through them, and your understanding will help him do this, he will start to come around. It takes a few months to go through the process. Nothing "cheery" is likely to appeal to him right now - all he can think about is his wife and he needs time to do it. At some point, his memories will start to cheer him.
This is for you to read to "understand," not to share with your grandpa. Weird I don't get much feedback on this story the few times I've posted to it, but it has been the most valuable story throughout my caregiving years (over 8).
In the traditional tale, a young bride is being abused by her husband. There is no way out of the marriage, and she is heartbroken. Her mother visits her from afar and listens to her story. She tells her daughter to find a tree in the forest and every day go confide her miseries to the tree. Months later, the mother returns for a visit. The husband is still abusing the wife, but she seems stronger. They visit the "tears tree" and it has died from absorbing the bride's misery.
This story was discussed on a "healing storyteller" list, split evenly between those who argued for adding birds making nests in the branches, mushrooms growing from the rotting roots, etc. They were fast forwarding, rushing the process of rebirth from the remnants of a loss.
The rest of us fought for the tree to stay dead dead, storywise. It was crucial for that beaten bride to have a physical real reflection of the reality of her pain, and the reality of the MAGNITUDE of her suffering.
Her tears were strong enough to kill a tree. The tree stood by her to accept her tears. Perhaps it sacrificed itself, perhaps it didn't have a choice. Most people will not "stand by me" when someone is in real pain, physical or emotional. They run to get the nurse, call 911, leave a brochure about grief counseling. We have formalities to deal with death, but the cultural traditions to help grieving have dissolved.
The things that helped me through grief were starting to focus on the little things. Plant seeds in little pots, watch them sprout, transplant them to larger pots, then plant out doors. Set up a bird feeder, or something as elaborate as my squirrel feeding table and platforms. Put close to the window. These sorts of things allows him to make a contribution and see growth or fun from his efforts. Take him for a "let's get some fresh air" rides, someplace with vast vistas like ocean. I had a fight with Mom in the car once and to clear the air, drove to the top of the city's only tall parking garage. We got out and watched the sunset over the city treetops.
Actually there is one music album that contains a whole healing process within its structure, based on a book called "The Little Tern." A tern can no longer fly, and is stuck on the shore as his flock takes off. It has to deal with the process of total loss of its identity and disabilities to recreate a whole new life along the tideline. The album, called "Tideline" by Susan Osborn isn't a musical version of the book, but a series of songs set to moving familiar classical themes, that take one movingly through the process of loss, regaining one's footing, appreciating a new morning, and finally release and redemption.
Also, look up tonglen meditation and Pema Chodron. This meditation has a very simple yet powerful visualization. You breathe IN the pain, and breathe out the release and airiness. Opposite of usually breathing IN the healing energy. In tonglen, there comes an aha moment where you realize you yourself are generating the healing images and feelings. it might be YOU use this for yourself, with the pain being you don't know how to deal with suffering grandpa. Whether he's able to do it for himself is another matter.
Dear Friend, Losing someone you love, is very difficult to go through, because it feels like a part of you has died along with the loved one. There is no short cut, he has to be allowed to grief. All you can do is be there for him and begin to speak about your grandma, perhaps the good times and tell him that she is in a better place and someday he will see her again, however, she would be very sad to see him sad and that she would want him to live his life to the fullest (whatever time he has) and to it's fullest. If he has gone and she was alive, would he want her to be sad and griefing forever....? Just do not let him feel alone, sometimes, just sitting with him, is all it takes. We all have our road to journey and we will all come to the end, at one point, we just have to live until that time. Someone once told me this "When we come into this world, we are crying and all those around us are smiling, but when we die, we will be the one smiling and the ones around us are crying," which basically means - live your life to the fullest and be happy and good, God bless you and your Grandpa. Annie Farrell (mrs) Singapore
I would say that understanding and support would be quite beneficial for your Grandfather-at this dark and m/t time in his life. You may want to call in Hospice or provide some spiritual counceling. Loosing someone that is close--is VERY final. My condolence~ Hap
Iamdanaj, my grandpa cried for one year after granny died. There is nothing you can do, it's grieving and it's normal. We surrounded my grandpa as much as possible, making sure the only time he sat alone was at night before he went to bed. Not much else we could do for him. I think he lasted about 2 years more, then he died in his sleep. I still miss them.
on my blog whendoesthegladstart (look for the Mercy post from May 18)
today i wrote about the screaming and weeping fit I threw at the ER when they were doing procedures on Mom w/out sedatives nor painkillers. She was screaming in agony. Because of my fit, or in spite of it, the doctor checked Mom's Rx and gave her the full amount of Ativan authorized by Mom's doctor. They dripped it in quickly via IV.
Why mention it here? My niece who worked on the intake desk at a major city hospital in the ER said they gave Ativan to grief stricken people who were having a hard time with the death or injuries suffered by their loved ones. So this Rx or a similar one may help smooth over the soulsearing rough spots. I know people some times do not WANT to feel better and will turn away help. But it does often help to breathe in some mercy, even if it comes via a pill. Check with your grandpa's doctor.
sorry its very sad now but how to live without grandmother or grand father you ask me i tell only one answer cry.cry one week continuouslysad will fly away try this idea but cry daily weekly twice like that please try this idea its work because i am trying this method only..........................
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
In the traditional tale, a young bride is being abused by her husband. There is no way out of the marriage, and she is heartbroken. Her mother visits her from afar and listens to her story. She tells her daughter to find a tree in the forest and every day go confide her miseries to the tree. Months later, the mother returns for a visit. The husband is still abusing the wife, but she seems stronger. They visit the "tears tree" and it has died from absorbing the bride's misery.
This story was discussed on a "healing storyteller" list, split evenly between those who argued for adding birds making nests in the branches, mushrooms growing from the rotting roots, etc. They were fast forwarding, rushing the process of rebirth from the remnants of a loss.
The rest of us fought for the tree to stay dead dead, storywise. It was crucial for that beaten bride to have a physical real reflection of the reality of her pain, and the reality of the MAGNITUDE of her suffering.
Her tears were strong enough to kill a tree. The tree stood by her to accept her tears. Perhaps it sacrificed itself, perhaps it didn't have a choice. Most people will not "stand by me" when someone is in real pain, physical or emotional. They run to get the nurse, call 911, leave a brochure about grief counseling. We have formalities to deal with death, but the cultural traditions to help grieving have dissolved.
The things that helped me through grief were starting to focus on the little things. Plant seeds in little pots, watch them sprout, transplant them to larger pots, then plant out doors. Set up a bird feeder, or something as elaborate as my squirrel feeding table and platforms. Put close to the window. These sorts of things allows him to make a contribution and see growth or fun from his efforts. Take him for a "let's get some fresh air" rides, someplace with vast vistas like ocean. I had a fight with Mom in the car once and to clear the air, drove to the top of the city's only tall parking garage. We got out and watched the sunset over the city treetops.
Actually there is one music album that contains a whole healing process within its structure, based on a book called "The Little Tern." A tern can no longer fly, and is stuck on the shore as his flock takes off. It has to deal with the process of total loss of its identity and disabilities to recreate a whole new life along the tideline. The album, called "Tideline" by Susan Osborn isn't a musical version of the book, but a series of songs set to moving familiar classical themes, that take one movingly through the process of loss, regaining one's footing, appreciating a new morning, and finally release and redemption.
Also, look up tonglen meditation and Pema Chodron. This meditation has a very simple yet powerful visualization. You breathe IN the pain, and breathe out the release and airiness. Opposite of usually breathing IN the healing energy. In tonglen, there comes an aha moment where you realize you yourself are generating the healing images and feelings. it might be YOU use this for yourself, with the pain being you don't know how to deal with suffering grandpa. Whether he's able to do it for himself is another matter.
Losing someone you love, is very difficult to go through, because it feels like a part of you has died along with the loved one. There is no short cut, he has to be allowed to grief. All you can do is be there for him and begin to speak about your grandma, perhaps the good times and tell him that she is in a better place and someday he will see her again, however, she would be very sad to see him sad and that she would want him to live his life to the fullest (whatever time he has) and to it's fullest. If he has gone and she was alive, would he want her to be sad and griefing forever....?
Just do not let him feel alone, sometimes, just sitting with him, is all it takes. We all have our road to journey and we will all come to the end, at one point, we just have to live until that time. Someone once told me this "When we come into this world, we are crying and all those around us are smiling, but when we die, we will be the one smiling and the ones around us are crying," which basically means - live your life to the fullest and be happy and good,
God bless you and your Grandpa.
Annie Farrell (mrs)
Singapore
My condolence~
Hap
today i wrote about the screaming and weeping fit I threw at the ER when they were doing procedures on Mom w/out sedatives nor painkillers. She was screaming in agony. Because of my fit, or in spite of it, the doctor checked Mom's Rx and gave her the full amount of Ativan authorized by Mom's doctor. They dripped it in quickly via IV.
Why mention it here? My niece who worked on the intake desk at a major city hospital in the ER said they gave Ativan to grief stricken people who were having a hard time with the death or injuries suffered by their loved ones. So this Rx or a similar one may help smooth over the soulsearing rough spots. I know people some times do not WANT to feel better and will turn away help. But it does often help to breathe in some mercy, even if it comes via a pill. Check with your grandpa's doctor.