We visit Mom in memory care once a week. I last about 7 minutes and then get tongue tied. What do I talk about?

Update;
Again, thanks to all for your great suggestions.

Mother has been devouring the peanut butter cookies, chocolate chip cookies, and peanut butter cups! (I only bring one each time.) I'll bring a treat every week from now on.

Poor dear can't recognize anyone in any picture. I just go ahead and explain who they are anyway. She looks so lost.

I've been trying to bring up her past, where she used to live, her friends, etc.---nope, doesn't remember a thing. One day maybe I'll hit on something she'll remember.

Mom is wearing a shirt and sweatshirt and is still cold. The sun is shining on the patio but a breeze comes up and she wants to go in. Walking with a walker and one assistant means we don't go too far. She doesn't seem to take notice of the yard or anything around her.

For a woman who used to use hand lotion every day (Intimate by Revlon, if memory serves me) she doesn't seem to like (understand) the feeling now. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to suffer with dry skin.

I haven't bought the soft plush ball to throw back and forth yet but it's on my "to do" list. She used to play basketball in high school.

Puzzles would be way too complicated, the same for watching a movie. That stopped 2 years ago. She doesn't have the cognition for that or magazines but I might bring a National Geographic with a lot of nature pictures on my next trip. The light is on but no one's at home.

What I've noticed is that she is no longer the selfish, narcissistic mother I grew up with.
Last visit, she told me she loved me. This visit I told her I loved her. I even kissed her on the head. We hold hands some days. She thanked me for coming and to come back soon, even though she doesn't know my name.

This is big stuff since this wasn't part of my childhood. How sad that it had to happen under the illness of Alzheimer's.
In a way, she's more "real" now than she ever was when I was younger. Maybe we have finally completed some mother-daughter bonding and that's the "reason" for her illness. Now she can die knowing that we've said we love each other. And I can be more at peace.

I'm glad you're trying some of the ideas! Ignore the one nasty comment, some people must be suffering to be so rude to someone they don't know. Let us know how the ideas are working, we all learn from each other.

It's good to read that you have been implementing some of the suggestions.

For my previous post, I meant to say, "If you run out of things to talk about, then you can read to her." Anyway, when my eldest daughter visited me when I was bedridden, she read to me. I really liked that. I don't remember the story she read, but I do remember how I felt. It was a really good feeling.

Sue
Chocolate always works well !

Well, 43 out of 44 helpful responses are good. 😉

Maryishere,
A bit harsh, don't you think? You don't know a thing about my mother or me.

I will explain why I asked the original question.
My mother does not remember anything...any of her life, any people, any events, where she used to live, me, etc. It's like she has amnesia or in a void. She's not your typical confused demented old lady. The light is on but nobody's home. There are no memories to work with. She is existing in another dimension. And I have a hard time entering her world.

I must not be as good as you are at coping with the challenges of late stage dementia. I was hoping to get some fresh ideas (which I have from the wonderful folks here).

To the 43 great posters;
I tried a couple of things mentioned this last visit.
Chocolate worked well, hubby painted her nails a 1950's red (she liked that) and I showed her our wedding album (only one handy). She "looked right through it" as though she wasn't looking at the pictures at all. I went ahead and explained each photo anyway. I plan on doing many of the suggestions mentioned. I'm also going to find a very soft ball that we can "play catch".  She liked that at the other memory care.  I think I'll pick up a nice stuffed animal too.

Thanks to everyone for your great ideas. I'm glad I'm not alone. You guys are great.

I'm not sure about the open-ended questions. Some people may be different, but even my kids won't answer questions such as "How are you?," "What have you been doing lately?," and "Anything new happen?," Instead, I get answers from them such as, "Fine," "Nothing much," and "Not really."

It might be better to mention people, places, and things that have meaning to the elderly person. For example, mention a dog that the elderly person might have had. Talk about the dog. Remember when the dog did this... Remember when the dog did that... It's okay to talk about mundane things. It's okay to be repetitive.

If you run out of things to talk about, then read.

And if you are too tired to read, then just sit and hold the elderly person's hand. Sometimes I would just sit with my MIL and hold her hand. She liked that I was there. It didn't mater that we weren't talking.

Omg. These stories are making me CRY! Bless all of you who have dealt with this! I was the guardian of an aunt with Alzheimer's. I visited her daily at her facility. She always called me her "nurse." I'd frequently sit at the table with her and 3 other ladies there and listen to them or ask questions to get them to talk. Sometimes I'd even get a coherent answer from one of them. Usually with my aunt, I'd ask her about her childhood or early years of her marriage. She remembered all of that. I frequently heard the same stories over and over, but that was ok. She enjoyed having a visitor. After a fall, knee injury and surgery, she ended up in a NH. She was not pleased and things went downhill. She talked to me very little and was angry at me for putting her into a NH. Trips outdoors in nice weather is a GREAT way to spend time. For many patients it is the only time they go outside at all. I visit another aunt at an ALF now. They have a wonderful sunroom overlooking a street. We sit there and talk, watch birds, cars and people going by. Her mind is good though, so there is plenty to talk about.

🤬😠😠😠
Where do you get off MaryIsHere, at least every one of us who replied is visiting

Hi mom, how are you today. (silence)
Anything new happening around here? (silence) I haven't got any news either, I haven't talked to anyone today. Oh, I know something, B was offered a new job, what do you think of that, should he take it? (more silence)
Let's go to your room so I can hang up my coat. .....OK, shall we go for a walk? (tiny nod) Proceed to walk up and down the same corridor 5 or 6 times. Let's go sit in the lounge mom........................... Oh dear, S is so upset, she wants to go home, that's sad isn't it. Let's go sit in the other lounge. (Yeah, more silence)


repeat  repeat repeat

every. day.

Seriously? Its your Mother!! Talk about the weather, whats on tv, what she watched, if shes read a book, other people in the facility, her hair anything.. How can you not have anything to talk about with your Mother?? Be glad shes still talking! My mom stopped talking to me half a year with her dementia before she died.. I wished I could hear her voice :'( Geeezus lady...

If feel for you, Sue. I have been in the same boat for almost a year. I am not a talker, which doesn't help. My Mom has aphasia, so what she says rarely makes sense. My response a lot of times is, "Is that right?" We used to play Yahtzee and put together 300-piece zigsaw puzzles. I sometimes take her to the mall and push her in the wheelchair. She seems to enjoy that. I like that, too, because I get exercise. I do get tired of sitting.

Hugs to you.

A lot of it depends on what your mom likes and on how mobile she is. It was difficult with my MIL because she was completely immobile. Movement caused her pain. She also was very confused. She couldn't see right. She couldn't communicate well. But she did love to socialize. In fact, socializing was her life. So I would try to converse with her. I would mention people and places of her past, and she would respond. Most of the time, I had no idea what she was saying, so every once in awhile, I would repeat a word or phrase that I heard her say. And when she was done talking, instead of continuing the conversation because I had no idea what she was saying, I'd change the subject by mentioning someone else or some place else. Her memory was failing, so I would repeat the same topics, the ones that meant the most to her, every time I saw her. I would keep it very short because she had trouble understanding me and say just enough to get her talking.

She also loved to read, but she couldn't read anymore. So I would read to her. I don't think she understood what I was reading, but it calmed her.

My mom has MCI with short term memory problems. Many of the things we used to talk about don't work well anymore (extended family events, books we have read or some local news item) so I've had to find some new topics. Mom wants to talk more about people she knew as a child and young (pre-grandparent) adult - those memories are still very clear. She always loved music and singing and still enjoys singing and listening to hymns and Christmas carols or just listening to big band and old time country. Photo albums are good, but they tend to have lots of people and fewer different places. There's a facebook group "remember living in" our town and many people post decades old photos of the town the way it was - I print those off and Mom will go on for hours about the location, what went on there, events she attended there and who socialized. People post old group photos too (church or family picnic) and we can talk for weeks about all the different people in the photo, where they lived and what happened to them. I have learned so much more about my hometown and my mother's life as a young person/adult. The topic of conversations have changed but the conversations are just as rich as when Mom and I discussed my problems at work or an upcoming family event - once I changed my topic habits. We also watch old movies and TV shows. Yesterday seeing someone learning to ride on an old western started a conversation about caring for the horses on her parents' farm. Short term memory problems also have some small blessings - Mom may not remember we talked about the church group photo last week and is happy to pick out everyone she knows again today. So if you haven't had time to find a "new" photo or movie - recycle the ones that have worked before!

See what she can relate to and engage her that way. If she cant talk about family or personal things then something simple and see what she likes. maybe shed like to sit outside, watch the birds, the clouds and tell her stories. maybe read to her if theres a book or story she would like. Music that she likes, I like jeanne's ideas, any kind of art and color. Appeal to the senses, sight, taste, sound, touch. Just keep trying to find different things. I think that maybe what is important is just to spend time with her, entertain her, be with her. Hold her hand, be her friend.

My much loved first MIL got past the stage of being able to talk at all, after she was about 95, but she was still conscious. I used to talk to her about ordinary household things, going shopping, finding a new dish-washing liquid with a squeeze top that didn’t work properly, plants in the garden that had died because I forgot to water them when it was hot last week. Just trivia, but I am sure that she was following it, and it was company for her about things she understood. I held her hand, but I don’t think she could have coped with the personal care that works so well for other people. I had developed my skills when visiting my mother in hospital as she died on and off over 10 years of cancer, often too ill to participate in the conversation, and I brushed it up later again with the very elderly second MIL that I acquired late in life.

I now volunteer regularly to read for an hour to a little group of residents in our local Nursing Home. I find things that take about 5 to 10 minutes, which is the attention span. Funny poems (try Pam Ayres), very short stories, bits from children’s books that date from their own childhoods (try Anne of Green Gables), well known bits from the Bible (great literature, whether you believe it all or not). I think the best choice I ever made was to read the whole of the Sermon on the Mount, not just the snippets you get in a church service. I intersperse the readings with comments on them, or things they remind me of that I have done in the past, or gossip about the local area. I sing little bits and pieces of hymns or pop songs of 30 years ago, even though my voice is very mediocre. My regulars very rarely add into the conversation, but I can tell from their faces when they are listening with interest and when they are drifting off. Sometimes a respite resident can contribute more – last time there was a guy who could yodel! They have much more interesting DVDs available than my burblings, but you can tell that they much prefer a real person who cares about them. It’s a different sort of interaction, more entertainment than conversation, and it takes a bit of preparation.

If you focus on things that keep your mother interested, you can both enjoy it. Love to you both.

We talk about random things. I show Dad videos on my cell phone and old photos. it doesn't matter if he's seen them before, he doesn't remember. I tell him stories of my childhood.

I come with a mental bag of things to say but nothing negative so forget the news for most part just upbeat things - I talk about our cats & what they get up to - I talk about family like a baby who starts to walk or something cute they say - I talked to her about redecorating our living room & brought samples for her to see .... she liked to tough the different fabrics - I crotchet so I bring in whatever I'm working on & sometimes a get a row done if she nods off

It doesn't matter what you say, what matters is that you say anything to her - I think it is the sound of a familiar voice that gives the pleasure - if she liked poetry why not read her a few of her favourites if not how about your favourites because the enjoyment will be in your voice & the cadence of the words will make it flow plus they generally are short so she doesn't have to concentrate for long

DO NOT talk about anything contentious, disturbing or upsetting - this is not time for deep serious things rather light & 'fluffy' - the weather is always good even if it is a bit nasty ... but we Canadians always talk about the weather ... eh! - by the way light humour is fine but don't be surprised that they don't get a joke but do get when the cat does something funny

SueC, like everyone else responding here my mom too is limited in her talking. She usually asks the same two questions, how is my husband, how is his mom. From there I have to be the one talking. I too share photos of her grandkids/greatgrandkids on Facebook and look up some of her friends' families postings, she remembers some of them. We also do her nails, watch her favorite TV show, which she can no longer follow nor understands, so I discuss what is going on and she engages a little. We take walks around the AL and now with summer weather I will be planting flowers and she will mostly watch and enjoy. It can be boring just sitting with her, so I try to come up with something to talk about. I call it my soliloquy. She is happy while I am there and I know once out of sight she forgets I was ever there. But it's those moments of joy I try to create, even if they are fleeting moments. Hang in there. Is a new way of dealing with the world as we know it.

I found that two things helped. Music and pictures. Play soft, smoothing music. I used hymns and easy to remember songs. Also, if you don't already have them, make up photo albums of her prior life and family. And remember, while they can't always respond, there is evidence that they do know what is happening. Touch them. Hug them

My mother's dementia is not too advanced. She knows me,but forgets what she did an hour ago.She is also very hard of hearing. I also bring photo albums, catalogs. I give her a manicure. I bring a donut and wheel her to place where she can look outside and we share a coffee and donut. She lights up when she sees the donut bag. I ask if I can straighten her room. I check her personal supplies. I am thinking of getting some nature videos.

First, my in-home mother had to enter assisted living at age 98, as my husband was developing worsening memory and balance problems from underlying small cerebral bleeds and hydrocephalus associated with ongoing Alzheimer's development. We moved to the city of our younger daughter when she gave birth to our grandson in 2008. We brought mother along at age 100 and found a nice assisted facility here which had only 40 persons and a caring, family-feeling environment. Mom's vision and hearing were getting so much worse, that we always had to speak very loudly, try to get things close enough and using magnifying glass so she could see photos, etc. As other have said, she enjoyed hearing about our and the world's current events up until her death at age 104+. We had big celebrations for every birthday from # 98 on, and she was always in her glory being the center of all attention. I made huge posters for those birthdays, writing about her various interests and activities (fishing, traveling, sewing, quilting [starting at age 80, she churned out 23 quilt tops which we had quilted by other ladies]), friends, etc. along with photos and details from her past, her family, etc. She even received a proclamation from our new city for turning 101, which coincided with their 40th year of founding the city, where, with a huge number of prior mayors, councilmen, etc. in attendance, she came sailing in on her Hoveround, waving a greeting like the Queen! And she loved this 4th great-grandson, who was born 100 years, 5 months and 21 days after her birth. She was an indomitable force in our lives...sadly about 6 months later, my husband's condition worsened so much that he was moved to the same facility and into the room which my mother had occupied, after I developed a severe vertigo--most likely a reactivated fever blister virus in my inner ear nerve due to my depressed immune system from all the nights of no sleep, having to clean up messes at 3 AM, etc. He never was able to return home after that, as I have many steps which we could no longer maneuver. However, we had a ramp which we had used for mother and him at daughter's house. I could still get him into the car until close to the end, and we would take drives around town, he pointing to the direction he wanted to go and I complying. Our daughter and grandson went along for many visits, taking him in wheelchair to a nearby park, where he could watch his grandson on his little scooter, hear the birds singing, etc. Trips to the botanical garden, zoo, etc., were all somehow enjoyed as he would point at things long after he no longer communicated with speech. I would copy off any photos sent by e-mail from friends and relatives and take them along and explain what they had written, always followed by "They say to greet you and give you a hug for them!" which I would do--even though often they hadn't mentioned him. Family albums, watching his grandson playing, being in nature kept him in contact until close to the end. I always had the feeling that he was still in there somewhere, although he became very passive and lacking understanding of most things around him. We have no regrets, because we gave our all to both mother and husband/father--daughter was such a blessing, and her commitment to both was amazing...Try to do what you can within your power--I had the fortune of being born with significant emotional stamina, for which I have been so grateful, as it enabled me to power through all the grief of watching the demise of these so important forces in my life. Tell them at each visit how lucky you feel to have shared in their lives, what a blessing they have been...it will help you to believe it yourself--especially when the worse times come. Bless you!

Hi SueC1957!
I go to see my mother often. I tell her everything that is going on in my life and the lives of her grand kids, etc. Sometimes she says yes or shakes her head, but most often there is no response.

Sometimes I sing to her, other times I read poetry to her. Most often, though, I try to find something bright to look at or hold, since her eyesight is not good. Once it was a doll, another time a magazine of picture of things she loves in a state she loves, and other times, it's a newspaper ad, with big print.

There are times, when Mom is sleepy or unresponsive, so I give her a drink. The aides seldom have the time to sit and give the residents something to drink (bring in something you know she likes, even her favorite snacks?) This always seems to, "awaken" her, and causes her to be more responsive.

Other days, while she is like this, I just hold her hand, put lotion on her hands and arms, if they are dry, kiss her hand, occasionally, she will even kiss mine, or just sit quietly with her. She will know you are there and feel that you care.

I would just listen to her complaints and sympathize with her. It's pointless trying to talk to her if she doesn't recognize anything that you say. Ask her about the activities where she is living, does she join in, is there anything she would like to eat that you could bring her. My Mom loved shrimp so my sister would bring her that when she visited. Not much else can you do.

well to tell you the truth it does not matter but main thing is to tell her you love her ..but you can tell her about your week..my sister has a english bulldog & she showed video's & pictures of him on her phone if you could you could do somethiing like that i think day before god takes her she may not know much or god will take over ..you may think this is crazy ..but it is true she past on monday the 9th ..but saturday for a crazy reason the memory board on the refridge killed the ice box all together like it was unplugged so i 1st tried another plug out let still nothing ..it happen about between 9 pm or so when i got something out of there round 11 pm i found nothing working on it ...so i googled about it so did it again sunday then i found it more & likely was the memory board so i called a appliance parts place i deal with so ordered a new board so i got it wenseday carefully plugged it up you cannot touch it a very small spark of electric will kill it so i only touch it without touching the metal or parts on it so i plugged it all up & started to work was glad of that ..but i think it could be possible that was a sign that my mom lost her memory then & god or angel or anything took over ..sunday night i told my mom ..you got your wish to pass at home so go ahead .i said i love you .. but i have been giving her a inhaler for asthma to keep the rattling away so also to help breath ..i forgot at 10'30 pm sunday i thought well if she lives the net day i will give her a dose & if she goes then that was it i think something let me know to let it go ...so she can so she did ..my brother inlaw was sleeping he got woke up around 3 am monday morning & he had a feeling that something was wrong ..so when i called my sister around 5:30 am it made sense that she passed so do not stop talking to her she is there tell her favorite things make her feel good it will pay off for you & her when you meet again ..in paradise good luck ..there is not nothing thatt can be done ..my mom she loved some food i tried it she did not like it anymore but she loved snow so on 4-1 easter i got a bowl of to let her touch it for the last time & she did react to it & had a tear in her eye ..so keep telling her things again good luck ..

I feel for you. It is not easy. I like the answers that I've read about "doing" instead of talking. That can include going for walks (probably in wheelchair), lunching with her, doing any kind of activity with her no matter how small. Small talk is ok. It's really about quality not quantity. Most of the time my mom--even though she continued to know who I was---did not remember I was even there moments after I had gone. Just spend whatever time there is 'with' her.
Now that my mom has passed, I continue to visit my aunt who happened to be in the same care facility as my mother. She has declining memory too. When we visit, she will jump around from subject to subject not remembering what we had said just moments before. We often go in circles covering the same thing over and over and I just flow with it. I know she is probably more talkative than your mom but when we are done, I give her a loving kiss goodbye and tell her I will see her soon. I feel better (and I hope in some way she does too) that I have spent the time with her.
Those "7 minutes" are a treasure that you both will appreciate when you look back.

I really have learned from these ideas. It doesn't matter if it's relative or friend. Now more likely to visit w those who have no visiters. Thanks

Do an online search for "things to do with an Alzheimer's patient". Pick a few that sound good for you. My own mother seems to like me to read to her. Bible, short stories, poems. Mother probably didn't understand what I was reading but she would watch me and listen. I also gave her a mini manicure every 2 weeks (clipped, filed, clear polish) and that allowed me to touch her. She passed away last Tuesday and it gives me comfort knowing we could share that. The fact that you want to communicate with your mother shows you are a loving daughter.

I don't know if this will help but, when my grandmother was in memory care, I would bring a People magazine for her and we would turn the pages together and comment and giggle at all the people and their clothes. She didn't know me as her granddaughter but I was her friend who checked on her once a week.

When I would visit my Mom, Sometimes I would just sit with her and hold her hand, not talking. She would fade in and out. I believe she knew I was there, she would squeeze my hand sometime.

I agree with most, and I brought avon catalogs and other type of catalogs and magazines. She loved makeup. A friend would give me perfume samples and we would look at those. She would pick out things I was "buying" her for Christmas. I almost always took her out of her room. We would just walk around and look at things. Outside weather permitting as she loved that. It is hard because shes your mom and you want to talk and share. It is sad but that is a different time. I also found it so difficult at first to switch gears and take a different approach. Once you do you will feel more at ease on those visits, and enjoy them so much more. Hugs!

These answers are so touching. What lucky moms you have. I’ve learned a lot here about doing vs. talking. My mom still talks non-stop, like she always has, but I need to bring things to look at more. Also to leave for the visitors who come, so they can look through with her. Good luck, suec!