I feel absolutely horrible asking for advice on this topic. My mother-in-law is currently in a rehab facility due to a fall and a heart attack. She has been in cognitive decline for a while, but it has progressed since she has been in the home. We have been asking her to move in with us for a few years now. Unfortunately, it took this incident for her to finally agree. Mostly because she doesn’t have any other choice.
When we asked her to move in, she was still independent and capable of taking care of herself. She had bowel cancer in the past and is somewhat incontinent with number 2. I have a terrible, weak stomach when it comes to smells and human bodily functions. I am not proud of myself for it, but I struggle greatly. I can’t eat when I am in nursing homes or hospitals. How am I supposed to overcome this to help with her bathroom and bathing needs? We suspect she has dementia. She is having a hard time cleaning herself in the home and has feces all over her bedding. I went to her house to get her laundry and discovered in her hamper, her underwear with feces all over them. This is going to be so hard for me. what do I do? I know I have to toughen up. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Begin talking to the discharge planners and Social Workers make them fully aware that you can not safely care for her in your home.
You say you have 3 years that her care will be covered. Use that 3 years now. Application for Medicaid can begin when that is necessary.
When you start looking for a facility make sure that it is one that will accept Medicaid. Many want a resident to be "private pay" for 2 or 3 years prior to Medicaid.
I do hope your husband is POA and can make these decisions.
Although if she is cognizant you do have the hurdle of getting her to agree to a care facility.
By the way you do not "have to toughen up" It is your husband that will have to step up and provide care for his mother.
This is not your responsibility just because you have an X chromosome.
Use the money! It’s money well spent, worth every single penny!
Listen to Mid and the others. They are 100% right. She has money for 3 years of care. The house needs to be sold to pay for care after that and then when that money runs out she goes onto medicare.
It is a million times harder to remove an elder from your home once they are in it then it is to place them in a facility.
I have a pretty strong stomach, but dealing with my FIL's blowouts through his thong style 'underpants' and pants and down his legs---OMGosh--I'm scrubbing and scraping dried poop off of him and my DH is sitting on the sofa gagging and retching--but NOT helping.
He had a few blowouts in restaurants and that was beyond horrible. Of course, DH takes his dad out to the car and leaves me with some poor restaurant employee helping me clean up. I was in tears from humilation and all the people looking at me, giving me the stinkeye (no pun intended) for bringing a sick old man into a public place. I remember I tipped the girl who helped me $50 and that wasn't near enough.
I went to FIL's place and threw out all his thongs and replaced them with tight fitting briefs. He hated them, but I told him it was those or a depends. And I also said we were not taking him out to eat anymore--crying out loud, how awful that is for the patrons! He got back at me by going 'commando', which was way worse. I loved my FIL, but those last few months--shudder---it was awful.
He'd have accidents and just throw the soiled clothes in the closet and shut the door. He did not have dementia. He was just not clean. And yes, his whole condo smelled to high heaven. After he passed, the first thing out the door was the carpet.
You have 3 years of monies for her care. USE IT! And I imagine she doesn't want to sell her home, but it's probably the best source of income she has. The sale of that will pay for many more years of high level care, which she needs.
If you cannot bear the smell or sight of bodily waste of whatever source, in home CG is a solid and implacable NO.
Look to the future, but be realistic. 3 years is a long time. If she lives with you, I can guarantee your house will smell like an open toilet within a week.
I am so glad you are not taking on the care of MIL. I think I am happy she made you stand on that brown rug and you finally reached your limit and walked away because if you hadn't it would be you not DH who would be taking care of his mother right now.
There are several reasons why facilities are eventually needed for people who need continual care.
Obviously, one reason is a weak stomach. I am easily grossed out too!
Caregiving is exhausting!
We have no time for ourselves when we are primary caregivers.
Most people would rather work to earn a living instead of work for free being a caregiver for family members. For some it’s absolutely necessary for them to work.
Caregiving changes the dynamics of family relationships.
And many more reasons! Posters, please feel free to add anything you wish to say.
Who is POA?
Are the papers done?
If not, as Graygrammie says, that is crucial BEFORE a formal diagnosis.
THEN, do get that diagnosis and become the POA.
You say there are three years of LTC placement monies.
USE IT.
At that point she will not know nor care, likely, her home is being sold for her care, then sell it.
Taking her into your home is a mistake that paints you right into a corner because at that moment your home is formally legally her home as well.
She is a resident and to take in someone impaired is to be unable to remove her except to placement with a POA.
She is legally a resident of your home, and you cannot abandon her without care.
You need a serious sitdown with the Social Workers at the current facility. Tell them you are unable to do safe inhome care 24/7 for her. Get their help for diagnosis, POA that is solid, and placement.
So much here is being done cart-before-horse, and let alone your problems with odor, just wait until she is leaving the house and wandering the streets.
So sorry you are in this dire situation.
We can get money from the sale of her home to help pay for care but she’s not agreeing to sell it. She doesn’t have a formal dementia diagnosis and we need to try to find a way to get her evaluated. Sometimes she is clear and other times she doesn’t know what time of day it is. She also thinks she has things growing on her body that aren’t there. After she went in the rehab, my husband took over her finances and realized she has been forgetting to pay bills and at times paying them more than once. She was driving, but backed out of her garage with her driver door open and hit the wall. I don’t want to take her in, but we need to look after her until it’s absolutely necessary to place her for financial reasons.
There's no getting used to it, and believe me I've had to step outside and vomit more than a few times over the years. No judgements here.
I too cannot eat in a nursing home. In fact, I always say that I would probably starve to death if I was in one unless there's an outdoor dining option.
You probably should not move your MIL in with you. Even if you hire homecare to come in and take care of her hygiene needs, her areas then in turn the common areas of your house are going to smell like crap and urine.
There's no preventing this. You may be able to prevent her from stinking personally by making sure her hygiene is kept up on daily and she's always in clean clothes, but there's no getting around the incontinence.
You also say that you suspect she has dementia too. That's only going to get worse. There are going to be "accidents" where she craps and pees on the furniture. Or it goes through the diaper. Then it's all over her, her clothes, and everything else.
If there's no aide there at that time, you'll be the one stuck cleaning it up.
Please for your own sake re-think moving her into your house. in my long years of caregiving one of the main reasons families move a senior loved one into an AL or NH is incontinence. Don't take this on.
Look into an AL facility for her instead. I worked in a very high-end one years ago and it was beautiful. Don't move her into your home though. You'll be sorry you did.
Yes, you have to "toughen up," but not in the way that you think. You will have to toughen up and tell everyone that you canNOT take care of her, and that she needs to be placed in a facility.
Tell me -- who was it that pushed for MIL to move in with you the most? I'm betting it was your H. Your profile states that you are 49. Do you work outside the home? Does your H?
Is your H going to do any caregiving for HIS mother?
Just to get a fuller picture of the situation, does H have sibs? If so, then how and why did your home become the only option for MIL? What is MIL's financial situation?
Hell, nobody should do home care.
Get her into a facility and learn from your mistake. Trust me, the messes are only going to get worse.
I can say from 25 years doing homecare and having seen and cleaned every mess a human can make, the messes will get far worse.
It’s obvious that you care deeply for your mother in law. She knows how much you care.
Have a frank discussion with your husband and tell him that you aren’t able to continue caring for his mom but that you will help him find the best place for her to be cared for properly.
Then you and your husband can be strong advocates for her in a facility.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
"When we asked her to move in, she was still independent and capable of taking care of herself".
Compare to the current situation:
Fall, heart attack, cognitive decline, ? dementia, incontinent (bowel)
For me, I'd look at these needs, look at what I could do, accept it was beyond my limits. Accept I was just one person & a team will be required now.
Your original plan was to offer MIL a home with you. But you may need to consider helping your MIL find a new home that fully supports her many needs.
You can still be the loving Daughter-in-law ❤️
That being said, try to make placement a last decision after everything else has been considered. You may be(or not) surprised that she could be in her wastes for a while until someone comes to clean her.
A somewhat funny but true story, a guy I believe may be fecal incontinent. They had an exchange which led him to say "it fell out", to which she responded " You don't have any feeling there". It didn't phase him, he continued on his way to go outside and smoke.
Please, let me answer this question and trust me I am an expert in every kind of mess a human can make because I spent 25 years cleaning every one of them up. So let me put a few truths here for you.
It doesn't matter how bad the crap stinks or what she's eating. It's sh*t for God' sake.
No matter how careful you are or how high the quality of diaper is, there is going to be "accidents" that result in crap and urnine on rugs and furniture.
Literally that sh*t doesn't wash out of furniture or carpets.
Changing an adult's diaper is not like changing a baby. It's strenuous, back-breaking work.
The MIL belongs in an AL or NH.
As for the guy who craps himself where you are. Even if it doesn't phase him, he still should not be left in it.
I hope the facility at least sent an aide out with him when he went to smoke.
If the guy doesn't notice that he craps himself it's probably not safe for him to be out smoking unsupervised.
You can’t care for her at home. Find her a great skilled nursing facility. Don’t even move her into your home briefly because then you’re stuck. Not even for a night.
Good luck, and you might want to read others’ past posts on this subject.
No, you don’t. And no, you can’t. This will not work. You will regret moving her in.
I’m the same way. Anything involving poop and I am gagging. Your body just reacts and there isn’t much to be done with that. It’s just how we’re wired. Not your fault. Even if I couldn’t smell the poop, I’d freak out at the sight!
Your home, laundry room, and her bedroom will smell. Febreze only goes so far.
I’m fighting a gag just by writing this.
As many others on here have said, you need to really reconsider. You can’t “toughen up” a body reflex like this. Poop aside, do you have any idea what you’re taking on? She is not going to improve. It’s nowhere near like changing baby diapers.
Your MIL should be wearing pull ups. I use Huggies for cleanups, thick and bigger than women wipes. When I cleaned Mom up, I flushed the toilet before I did it. Helped a little.
When Mom came to live at my house I did not even consider long-term. It was just to get her house sold and get her placed in an AL. I had her for 20 months. I needed respite care for Mom so I could go to my nieces wedding. I was not taking a woman in her last stages of Dementia on an 8 hr car trip. So I went to talk to the AL up the road. They were having a 50% off sale on room and board. That meant Mom had enough money for a year and maybe in that time the house would sell. So I placed her. Never regretted the decision.
Maybe time to find MIL a place she can afford.
When the incontinence graduates to being poop pull-ups are not going to cut it.
Actual tabbed diapers is what has to be used and even then they're not guaranteed to keep it contained every time.
You may be making yourself even more sensitive by assuming that this is some sort of weakness or failure in yourself, and that’s unfair to you.
You are obviously open and willing to helping her, but some people simply CANNOT help with soiled linens are clean-ups after toileting.
Alternatives? Can you consider disposable underwear, bed covers? Scheduled daily help coming in for bathing and cleanups?
Is she leaving residential care because of the fall and her heart condition? Are you expecting that she can be prevented from falling while living with you?
Fall risks can occur even in situations with total surveillance.
Hoping you come up with some better suggestions than mine.
This could go on for years, my mother is 98.
You don't need to toughen up you need to admit that you are not equipped to do this and turn it over to her family to decide what to do.