My parents are very high maintenance. I have posted a few times if you'd like to go back and get an overview of my story. Yesterday he asked me 5 minutes before I was leaving for the gym what we were having for dinner. I said, "Nothing. You don't eat anything I fix," he said "because it's no good." While I am no Betty Crocker, it did hurt my feelings and I told him he could find his own way to the Dr. today and they can Doordash from now on, etc. A huge fight! Of course they then said that I want them to die. No, I don't, but the stress of caring for them is unfair and just too much for me to handle. We have a Visitng Angel 1x a week, do not qualify for Medicaid, they refuse to go to assissted living, etc. I feel bad that I went off but it really did hurt my feelings especially since on Easter I made him a "traditional" meal.
Please check my share here:
Already burnt out caring for my mom. What can I do? - AgingCare.com
It is difficult but I did learn to cook the food they wanted. I did actually do this for myself because I assumed I could set myself up in a cafe afterwards. That's not likely anymore because vegetarian food is now out of fashion.
Also I take them to the socials they want to go and if I don't want to stay I don't stay anymore I do whatever the hell I want to do. Eg. cake shop, or other cafes or other shops, or walk round the nearby reservoir. There's just my Mum and I do love her visits to her club because I've known these people and some of their 'children' for decades, so they are all familiar people. They don't treat me like crap. They treat me like someone who deserves some positive responses for being such a stupid idiot.
I have found if you 'stay in integrity' somehow things do work out. I had to limit my budget for a 2 day away staycation, and I found 3 places I could go for free nearby and I love those kind of places, and I wanted to go to the beach and I went the following day, and they had an arts 'scene' going on there and I love art. This is just because I stayed in financial integrity otherwise I would have thrown money away on 'meals I deserve' in the circumstances and resented the excessive costs as well.
Here is your original post from November 2025:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/am-i-wrong-497216.htm
Your parents seem not to want to help themselves.
You need to extract yourself from this situation.
Have you talked to them about you moving in with your fiancé?
If so their response?
I would give them a date that you are moving.
Contact a Social Worker, (try your local Senior Center) and explain that you will be moving and that they will be left alone. This would mean that 2 vulnerable seniors would be alone and unable to care for themselves.
If they are competent APS may have no choice bit to leave them on their own...until they need help.
And yes it may come to having to wait until there is an emergency situation.
This is NOT on you.
They are NOT your responsibility.
Their poor choices are NOT your responsibility.
You need to pick up your life and give yourself, your kids a start
Sorry if this sounds cold hearted but they are using you.
You are the only one that can change the dynamics at play
Your first post was last November. You were planning on getting married. The next post was your parents being against it. Are you still with this man? If so get married. You can no longer live like this and shouldn't. Call you Office of Aging and ask that they evaluate your parents for services. Maybe even APS. Tell them you are marrying. That you have tried caring for them but they are not cooperative and criticized all the time. You cannot take it anymore. They need help.
Of course the parents are against the marriage. They don't want to lose their care slave. Not a good enough reason to not go through with it.
It is way past time to move out. Let them drive their bus.
They refuse to go into an assisted living facility. They'll go if you refuse to let them walk all over you. They will never accept change or an alternative to their living situation as long as you continue to be the solution to every problem.
I was a homecare worker for many years then went into business. I'll tell you what I've told countless families in exactly your situation. People want to do right by their elderly parents or family but find themselves living in unbearable conditions because of their unreasonable demands.
Caregiving only works when it's done on the caregiver's terms. Not the care recipient's.
It certainly sounds to me like your parents are the ones setting the terms here and that has to stop today. You can start with doing what my aunt used to do when her demanding, ornery mother would complain about the meal. She'd pick up her plate and throw the food in the garbage then tell her mother to enjoy going hungry. My aunt never fought with her because she refused to. My grandmother stopped complaining about the meals. Try it.
You have a right to live your own life and don't have to sacrifice it to the bottomless pit of senior caregiving. Move out. Tell your parents you'll help them move to AL or will help them set up with more homecare. If they don't accept it, that's on them not you. You're the one who decides how you will caregive for them and on YOUR terms, not theirs. If you let the behavior continue they will likely double-down on the stubborness and gaslighting to maintain the status quo as it currently is. They will not be reasnable. Tell them the other fact that I've told countless stubborn seniors over the years.
Nothing gets a senior a one-way ticket to a nursing home faster than being stubborn.
This is a fact. Good luck to you and please stop letting your parents decide your life.
Yeah, it’s cathartic to tell her to leave but it won’t be worth it for the parents to then adopt an Indy as surrogate family.
We all have had fights with family members, and say things in the heat of anger which contain a bit of truth, but we would never have said it out loud for fear of hurting someone's feelings. This sounds like a pretty normal fight. No real harm done. And, from your previous post, it seems you have had a co-dependent relationship with needy and immature parents, which you struggle to remove yourself from.
You would benefit from a therapist who can help you to heal wounds and gain confidence in yourself and learn to protect your emotional well-being.
You do not need to do as much as you are for your parents. They are grown adults and can figure out their own solutions. They can go to assisted living, or hire someone to help more often at home, including preparing meals. They can find a ride service to medical appointments.
It's time for you to focus on your own life.
I read your other thread.
I'd move in with your fiance and focus on that relationship and your kids.
Understand that your family knows how to push your buttons and that's what they are doing to try to force you to do things for them. Keep that in mind. Psychologically prepare for this next battle. You have to let go of the emotional component and realize you are dealing with people who have disordered thinking. They have trained you over decades to be part of this dance, and you can step out of it right now.
Stop cooking for them. Period. Also, stop taking to heart anything they say when it's critical. That's just what they say and how they act. If you stop taking it to heart, you won't feel the need to defend yourself or try to get them to see things your way. They will never be able to do this, so why waste energy on trying? You've BEEN trying for decades and it's not working and will never work.
Move out. They will find a way to get care one way or the other. They will throw tantrums and say awful things. That is their choice. Your choice should be to love yourself and say you are worth more than being a doormat and a punching bag for people who are not willing to give you the respect you deserve. It hurts, but you can get through this in therapy where you will learn that your family relates to each other in disordered, enmeshed, unhealthy ways and it is taking it's toll on you.
Please, stand up for yourself. Move out. Let the cards fall where they may. The status quo is not working for you, and you can't make them happy no matter what you do. Stop cooking for them, and begin to plan your own life.
The next time dad says something hurtful like he did about your food, you simply say "ok, Dad, I guess it works out for both of us, then. Bye" and you walk out the door. That way when they start with these dramatic statements of you wanting them to die, etc, you won't be there to hear it. If you have to be there, you don't have to answer them at all. Put in ear buds. Understand that your cooking is fine. If you changed it, they would still criticize it. No matter what you do, they will fight and argue with you so you will do what they want.
No need to belabor the previous argument. Next time try focusing on the food or the process, esp if you are on your way out. Maybe something like "there is chicken in the refrigerator, but you can order through Door Dash if you would like someting else."
Over the years, I was the sole caregiver for many relatives, one of whom was my grandfather after he was diagnosed with cancer at 80. Although I assumed every day would be his last, he ended up living to four months shy of 101. Because he remained mobile, I was able to keep him in his own home until he passed peacefully back in 2002.
When I say sole caregiver, I mean the one person in my dysfunctional family, parents and three siblings included, who took my Dad’s father to all his doctors’ appointments for his many illnesses and surgeries, cleaned his house, drove him to the grocery store and pharmacy, and later when he was unable to go, did all of his shopping, etc. for him.
One thing I didn’t do was move in with him, although I’d be there each morning to fix his breakfast, which was easy for a lousy cook like me to do, since he always only wanted his flavored oatmeal and a cup of hot tea.
Being such an admittedly lousy cook, this is how I handled his other meals:
Every two to three days, I’d stop by the local diner and buy him a couple of “home-cooked” entrees that I knew he liked — local diners typically give you really generous portions — and then I would divide the entrees, like meatloaf with mashed potatoes, sliced turkey breast with potatoes and dressing, beef stew with mixed veggies, etc., up on microwave-safe plates.
As for the vegetable sides, as a vegetarian, I had no problem making those myself, which helped to keep costs down.
I usually made up seven of these “home-cooked” meals for him every two or three days and always placed them on the same shelf of his fridge so all he had to do was reach in there to get a plastic wrap covered meal and microwave it.
The end result? Grandpop always had complete, nutritious dinners for lunch and supper comprised of his favorite foods on microwave-safe plates covered in plastic wrap ready and waiting for him in the fridge anytime he wanted to have his meals.
P.S. - Years before I needed to begin his caregiving, my grandfather told me that because I knew very little about cooking a turkey that that Thanksgiving was the worst of his life! But he never had any complaints after I started fixing him his “home-cooked” meals as described above!
2 -Can your family afford to buy pre-cooked meals? Some potential suggestions: purchased from a gourmet delis or buy precooked food from diner or a meal service. Meals on Wheels could be an option too.
3 - Can you, a family member, or even a group of people you know (through church/temple, classmates, friends) get together to cook weekly meals that can be refrigerated or frozen?
4 - Can you ask someone to watch your parents while you take a couple of days off - and I mean off - do not let them contact you so that you can rest?
5 - Consider joining a support group in person or online to learn how to manage emotions while caring.
6 - I am not in support of some of the comments posted that you should move away or let your parent fend for themselves. Caring is difficult. Many, unless they are undertaking the work, do not appreciate the hard work and efforts. However, for all of those who do it for our families out of love and duty, we know how hard and frustrating this can be. We see you and feel it for you. Try the above and see if it helps alleviate your stress and lead to better outcome for yourself and parents. You've got this.