Daughter-in-law gave instructions to elderly home not to give info about mother to some of her children. Daughter-in-law withholds mother from her personal phone to contact children. My mother isn’t allowed to speak to her daughter and is being manipulated. She fell and broke her hip in the elderly home. Been diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 78 and now on medication. Who have the right of power over a parent that is capable to think for herself?
The facility can’t give out medical information to children or anyone else unless M has provided a HIPAA authority, which is different from a POA and might be in place. Once again, probably not to DIL. It’s possible that M’s phone has been taken away because she is falling prey to scams – ‘manic’ bi-polar phases could be a real risk.
You may have a pushy DIL here, but you probably also have a problem with her husband – whose relationship to you is not clear. You may have two ways to go. First and best, ask DH to meet you separately and try to work out what is going wrong. Second, go for the ‘lawyers letter’ to DIL and to her DH. I hope that other posters can give extra ideas.
Good luck!
When you ask why you are being forbidden access what do they say?
Have you been disruptive of their care in some way?
When we hear these stories there is a whole history that is missing, and it's really impossible for us to judge just what's happening without knowing what water has been moving under the bridge over history.
For myself, I would give up on knowing the personal information. This is given usually to the MPOA or the POA only, and they are free not to share this private information if their principal is not sharing it herself. But visits are important if there is a good and loving relationship between your mother and yourself.
I would start by reaching out to the Lioness at the Gate which appear to be SIL. I would beg to be allowed weekly or bi-weekly visits with mom even if accompanied by SIL so that she can be reassured I will in no way be disruptive of care.
If this doesn't work I believe I would contact APS and say that I am being prevented from loving visits to my mom. I would ask for a wellness check on her and ask if they can intervene for me to visit in their presence or any other way. Last resort may be a visit to an elder law attorney to see if I had any legal rights to visit my mother. Until then it is loving notes, candy, flowers, teddybears, anything to tell mom that you love her.
As I said, something is afoot here. This doesn't happen out of the clear blue. There is a history you are not telling us, and that makes any input from us difficult. It leaves us basically only able to tell you that we are sorry, and to wish you the best of luck.
My sibling & I had an argument and he had POA so he used that to block me from seeing & speaking to my mom. He explicitly told me “ I have POA, I have control!”
Is it in the mom’s best interest for her not to see her other children? I highly doubt it!
If Mom is competent, the POA really has no control. I would have APS look into the situation. Not allowing Mom to even talk on the phone and alienating her IMO is abuse. Mental illness does not make a person incompetent. My cousin suffers from BiPolar and has a normal life,
Alienating and isolating a vulnerable person from contact with their family and others is legally considered psychological abuse in most states even if the person isn't elderly. When they are it falls under elder abuse and that's a different set of laws and prosecution.
I want to know how a 78 year-old gets diagnosed with bi-polar and is then put on "meds". Did your mother agree to this? Did she ever have any dementia testing or say an MRI brain scan to see if she has some form of dementia and not bi-polar at her age?
I think you should talk to your brother and ask him why his wife (the DIL) is being allowed to make all the decisions for HIS and YOUR mother and why she is allowed to authorize that your mother be put on bi-polar drugs at 78 years old.
Forgive me if I speak plainly but tell your brother he needs to start working together with you to do what's best for your mother, or you will petition the court for conservatorship over your mother.
No one here knows your whole story but from what you've said it sounds like you've got a pushy SIL on your hands. Not her place. Talk to your brother.
It is the new darling out there, Burnt. EVERYONE now, and especially our elders are Bipolar.
I assure you.
As someone with a bipolar family member I can assure everyone that this is a hard diagnosis to make and often includes a sufferer with all other sort of borderline personality disorders. What a neuro guy famously told us is
"The only way we know it is bipolar is if lithium works!"
That is mental health today. Talk about the great guessing game.
N. and I often threaten to make a board game of it.
NOW the NEW THING is that everyone old and a little nuts in one way or another (I include me and everyone I know) is bipolar. The new thought is that at least 25% of all Bipolar patients are over age 50. I kid you not. Look it up.
I am seeing all sorts of people who likely have dementia being diagnosed as bipolar. I have a friend who is the DON at a very "ritzy" and upscale LTC facility in the Bay Area --with all levels of care (talk about you better be a Billionaire!). She is seeing this NEW DIAGNOSIS popping up EVERYWHERE for her folks.
It's a brave new world, kids. Don't weaken.
As to Lithium. Another mental health worker said "We should ALL be on lithium. It should be in the water supply. So, who knows, something to look forward to.
This is elder abuse plain & simple!
Maybe SIL is an evil monster or maybe she is sick of seeing her weak husband not protecting her MIL and has stepped in. Or maybe she has taken over at her husband’s request because he doesn’t want to suffer his sibling’s wrath.
In our case there had been some previous financial and emotional abuse by one of the children. Someone had to be banished to keep them from draining the bank account and causing mother fear and distress with their visits. These actions, whatever the motive, have to be backed up with legal paperwork.
If they aren’t, and your mother can, as you say, ‘think for herself’, well then, maybe she IS thinking for herself.