My father-in-law has a history of COPD, mild dementia, depression, anxiety, and now Stage 4 liver cancer which has metastasis to his spine. He is currently being treated with chemo and radiation. He is prescribed oxycodone 15 mg every 4 hours. This past week he developed a small open wound at the sacrum, which I only found out about because he wanted to buy large Bandaids. Prior to this diagnosis he opened multiple bank accounts in 1 month span and forgot he did this and bounced his bills. He lives in a small apartment alone. I have arranged for a caregiver to come 4 days a week to clean, cook, remind him to take his medication. I explain that he cannot drive while taking pain meds. He has not let the aid in, refuses to give up driving. My husband is an only child and was incarcerated for the last 5 months. Now that he is home, he is agreeing to let his dad continue to drive, manage his own meds which I have been doing for the last 3 months. My father-in-law is unsteady and has fallen a couple of times. He has no appetite, lost 40 plus pounds in the last 8 months. When he does eat it is usually pb sandwich or bowl of cereal. We live in Ohio. I feel he is self-neglecting which is elderly abuse and need to step in for his wellbeing.
This is a big issue. Opinions will vary.
To me, this is about the concept of 'Duty of Care' vs 'Dignity of Risk'.
IE Your perceived thoughts & feelings of your duty as family to provide his care vs his right to decide how to he wants to live, even if that appears risky to others.
How about a daily check-in phone call? Then you can obtain more help if he has a crises.
You’re a nurse who has many years of experience, including working in memory care. You have medical and financial POA for your father in law.
I am sure that you can see the writing on the wall in this scenario. This is a disaster waiting to happen!
What difference does it make that your husband is an only child? Who was incarcerated? Your husband or his dad? Either way, that doesn’t excuse their behavior.
What makes your husband think that his dad is capable of driving?
I am truly sorry that you are going through this with your family. I am sure that it is hard for all of you.
Your father in law needs care around the clock? Is he on hospice? Why isn’t he in a facility where he would have care 24/7?
Do you want to be your father in law’s POA? I wouldn’t want to have POA if your father in law and your husband aren’t going to listen to reason.
What do you want to see happening in your family regarding your father in law’s care? Do you want to be his advocate in a facility or would you rather not be involved? Have you toured any facilities in your area?
Please have a serious conversation with your husband and tell him that this is not working and that it will end tragically for his dad if changes don’t occur in his life.
Wishing you and your family well.
If they find that it's not in his best interest for him to be living on his own, they(the state)can take matters into their hands to get him the help he needs.
And even though apparently you are his POA, I would just let the state take over as it sounds like your FIL isn't going to listen to anything you have to say or want to do for him anyway.
He needs more help than just you, so call APS sooner than later.
He is "self-neglecting" and making other obviously poor decisions because he has dementia -- and maybe even "chemo brain". Explaining things to him will result in no change. He's getting worse. Maybe should be in LTC or hospice.
I cannot believe he is being allowed to self-administer his own pain meds with dementia. Yes, please step up and step in.
Take car away.
Find, hire or place him where he can get appropriate 24/7care for him.
Put his bills on auto pay.
Have your husband help and learn but not make any decisions for him, he obviously doesn't get it.
I wish you all the best as you do your responsibilities. Remember that no one can force you to be a PoA. If it gets overwhelming consider resigning and have the county social services take over.
If you are not POA for this man, do not attempt to do this.
Call APS if you are worried.
Driving medicated in this manner is not only a danger to FIL but to others on the roads. Report him to his doctor and the DMV as well as APS.
The chemo is ridiculous at this stage, one more torture machine at the end of life.
Your FIL is having mets with stage IV in liver and should be in managed hospice care.
That is clear, but if you are not in some authority here it isn't yours to change.
Do let APS and his doctor know everything.
This is self limiting in that soon enough FIL will not be ABLE to function to drive.
I am so sorry. This must be terrible to witness.
I think then that you know that you must attempt to intervene here.
I would report, as I said, to Doctor and to DMV. I would request that DMV ask for a suspension of license until testing for license and driving can be done.
You say you have financial POA.
If so you need to be responsible for protecting his finances, and that means virtually taking over his accounts as POA with making a small allowance account for him.
If he objects to any of this I would at once resign my POA.
That means, given he does have a diagnosis of some mild dementia that you will have to do this legally through an attorney.
You cannot really be POA for someone uncooperative.
He currently needs a guardian.
I personally would not want to act as guardian for someone uncooperative and with only a diagnosis of mild dementia you likely would not win in court to act in his behalf.
This, at this point amounts to trying to save someone from drowning.
As you will know, often the drowning person takes the rescuer down with them.
Now that husband is back, all you can do is try to make him understand that Dad needs help. Maybe DH should go stay with Dad to see what ur talking about.