My mom is my dad's primary caregiver following his stroke 10 months ago. She refuses to organize or take him to all of the therapies that have been prescribed and recommended by his doctors, because she feels she is doing enough by taking him 3 times per week, and because it would be inconvenient for her to do more. I live far away and am incredibly worried about him. I have set up an Uber account so she wouldn't even have to drive him, but she refuses to organize it, and won't allow me to. What can I do to fix this?
My point is that Mom might need to be given a chance to present her side of the story and you might need to listen with a sympathetic ear. There may be more going on here than she is revealing to you. My husband has blown off more therapy sessions, in and outpatient than I can count. He always knew it all. The therapists, (with doctorates) knew nothing. Consequently, he has been bedridden for the past two and a half years and is in rehab AGAIN. I know you most likely think your father is a kind, sweet man and he probably is. But, Mom may have a story of her own to tell if given the opportunity. She may have fears and concerns about Dad that she will share if kindly and lovingly given the opportunity to do so. Sometimes we don’t want to burden our kids with our “old people issues” so we give them the short answer. But it’s not always in their or our best interest.
When that does not work (they might not allow outside caregivers), ask if he can be in a rehab facility longer.
Be sure to arrange the same loving care for Mom, who might have her own illnesses about now, and also be headed for caregiver burnout.
They both need an assessment if they are going to continue living at home as a couple. Or maybe it is time to move them both to assisted living? Together.
The time to provide an assist can be short. Otherwise, they may end up living separately, declining, and losing their home because together, while healthy, they could, but if one or the other gets sick, they cannot.
My mom was controlling with my dad’s care as well. It took us awhile to figure out what was going on.
I think the spouse gets worn out. She may have a bit of mental decline herself. The stroke happened to her life as well as your dad’s. She may be doing all she can. So be sure to give her credit for what she does do but keep looking for help and ways to lighten their load.
How old are Mom and Dad? I overwhelm easily. If Mom is in her 70s
/80s this maybe too much for her. Daily driving someone to appts and waiting around is exhausting. I have done it. Check with your Office of Aging to see if they provide bussing. These busses have trained people for helping get people on and off. Will give Mom some time to herself.
Your mother may well be overwhelmed and exhausted. It is exhausting for even a younger person. First the stress of him being in hospital and rehab, then caring for him at home while also having to take him to all those therapy and doctor appointments while at the same time having to shoulder all shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. It sounds like your Mom may be burned out and needs some help. Burn out includes brain fog, so she may not be able think clearly.
Lots of great helpful answers here!