I am just starting out caring for my grandmother and am considering moving in with her so she can stay at home while she ages. She has had some mobility problems and has memory problems, and falls often. I haven't cared for a relative before and am scared that I won't be able to help in the right way. I don't want to intrude on her privacy. Can you share any tips or techniques that make older people feel cared for and respected?
I absolutely adored my grandparents.
You were a godsend to your grandparents. You truly were. 💗
Are you doing everything yourself? Caregiving is too much for one person.
It is draining to be a caregiver both physically and emotionally. I would not do it if your grandma has resources for an assisted living facility. If not, you could look into a nursing home. Speak to a social worker to help you see what is best for her situation.
Best wishes to you and your grandmother.
And I had no idea how terrible dementia can be, how confusing it is, and how painful it is to see in a loved one.
It just grinds you down. And there are much, much worse stories than my own on this forum.
I'm surprised at how long she's lived, too! lol
I am incredibly fortunate that many years ago she foresaw that she'd need institutional care, and enrolled in Independent Living. Also, she was tired of all the chores she always had to do, living alone. Wanted a more interesting, social life. She got that.
It's a continuous care situation, so now that she's frail and has dementia, they still care for her. I'm forever grateful to her, because I would never have been able to provide care for her by this stage in her aging process.
The care for her after herhip surgery and rehab for a month everything changed dramatically. We moved her downstairs.(no more steps) put in wall to wall carpet and she now is using walker. She does not cook, nor get her own meds nor bathe herself. She sits on bench in tub and I help her..
Do not feel guilty if you are unable to care for her, and as some comments were made it will only get worse.. My MIL's short term memory is nil and anxiety is not as bad since she has been on Mirtazipine which she takes at night. Her appetite is bad and we have to use creative techniques to get her to eat..
she does not watch tv, but wants it on for background noise. My life would be so different if we had not moved in We have some breaks as we hired my cousin and she lived here 6 months until her place became available. Do check out programs to get help for her. We have aid & attendance as her husband was in the military and she qualified for monetary help. There are agencies and other choices to make so I hope you weigh all your options before you decide to do care for her by yourself.. I hope this helps.. lots of shocks and changes have happened over a period of time here and still are. I will be 62 at the end of this month and I wish as much as I love my MIL I could put her in a care facility but she will never agree to it as long as her brain is still in charge of her body which for the most part is..my husbands brother lives about 30 minutes away and only comes for once every 4 to 6 months to visit. And once in a blue moon will stay with her for part of a day so we can get away otherwise my cousin comes to watch her.. don't know what I would have done with out her here for us..
I wish the best for you..
I am trying to think of this from both perspectives: that of the caregiver and that of the older person. I could be either or both at this stage. From the point of view of the caregiver, we should have been much more clear with Mom and ourselves about what the criteria should be for Mom moving to residential care. We are doing far more than we would have agreed to and we are bearing the physical price for that. The best thing is that none of us live with Mom, so we can go home and retrieve our lives.
From the point of view of an aging mother/grandmother, I would really appreciate a grand-daughter who would move in for a year or two if my husband were to die. I would want company and a little help with the cleaning, maybe, but no personal care. If that should become necessary, I would want that grand-daughter to help me find a place in residential care.
I think the biggest red flags I see in your description are frequent falls and memory problems. Those can be issues that can rapidly become very difficult to care for. Worse, your grandmother will not be able to accurately assess her own condition. The changes will be gradual so it will also be difficult for you to decide whether this is a bad week or if she is beyond your ability to care for her.
If you have a strong bond with her, you may want to move in for a year or two to be available before and after work, but write down some very specific boundaries and read them regularly. Tell all other family members that this is a temporary gift to your grandmother and that you will end this arrangement at any time that ab or c happens.
Your list may differ, but the list we have for my mother includes: a) Mom must be able to care for her own personal hygiene, b) Mom must be able to get herself from her bed into her chair/scooter by herself and from the chair/scooter into the car, c) Mom needs to take her own medicine, d) Mom needs to be able to feed herself. You might also want to add that you must have the time necessary to tend to your own career and social life. You MUST have these.
If we had started this list properly before Mom got so bad we would have included that she would need to clean her own kitchen and stand long enough to prepare a simple meal and/ or clean up after the meal. From what we now know, we also would have absolutely included that she would need to be able to get up after a fall without assistance. Two of my sisters have had back surgery because of injuries incurred trying to help my mother up after falls. I have had 2 hip injuries sustained while trying to give Mom support. She should have been able to support herself, properly used her walker/scooter, or gone into residential care before we were injured.
Remember what they tell you in the airplane briefing for emergencies? Take care of yourself first, then assist those around you who are in need of assistance. Good luck.
I am caring for both my parents in their late 80’s who live in an independent living home. I prepare meals, do their housework, look after their meds etc etc. But I can go home and that makes a world of difference. My parents know that I set boundaries. If they need personal care they will need to move.
Caregiving can be all consuming. Be careful you don’t stretch yourself too thin and wear yourself out emotionally and physically.
I agree with others here that if you move in with your grandma then your other family members may check out. All the best!
agitation and inability for mom to relax: around 2 pm each day she begins to agitate - getting up (which isn’t easy for her / fall risk) and wandering, fidgeting, displaying anxiety, etc. I have now become anxious around this time, as a result.
Refusing to go to bed at night. I’ve tried everything, including very long walks during the day. She’s so restless that she refuses to go to bed and paces such that her legs and feet swell. Last night this went on until 11:30pm, despite a cocktail of medication given at 9.
Not recognizing me and cussing me out. I’m her daughter. Last night she thought I was her husband. Sometimes she has no idea who I am.
lack of visits or check ins from family and friends - people get very distant when someone has dementia. You’ll be isolated in the house with her - be ready for it to feel like you’ve moved to Siberia.
Physical challenges you will face. You’re surely younger than I. I’m 51 and in decent shape. Go (WENT) to the gym, had a personal trainer, no health issues - after a month with my mom, my body feels shot. I ache all over, especially my back. My sleep is a wreck. I’m up and down all night. I work from home during the day (as the VP of a fortune 10 - and my cognition is severely impacted - I find it hard to even type these days). Exhaustion.
The big one: if she has or develops dementia, it’s a thankless job. My mom doesn’t recognize her condition or the strain on me. She has no idea what I do for her each day. Half the time she doesn’t recognize me or that she’s in my house. I overheard her on the phone telling her best friend that she lives in a nursing home and has an aid. She even gave the friend the name of the nursing home and a phone number. I had to call and explain that I’m the aid and the home is mine. She told someone else that I never visit her “it’s been years since I’ve seen my daughter”. You’ll care for her because you love her and want the best, but she may not even know it.
As a result of this experience, I’m making my own arrangements so my daughter never has to do this for me. This is no good. Ive lost my life, my career is suffering, my romantic relationship is on the brink and I’m losing friends. I’m depressed and lonely. I’m physically declining. Everything I’ve wanted for myself and worked so hard to build is crumbling.
My final words: DO NOT DO IT!
You want that?
You may want to consider placement because it is only going to get worse. Assisted living, then nursing home. Will you be able to bathe and shower her, clean her poop and urine? Take endless time feeding her giving her fluids? I spent $10,000 tearing out the bathtub and replacing it with a walk-in shower because eventually mom could not step into it. Mom's alzheimer's made it dangerous to have a bathtub she would get in there and turn on the water and not know how to get out. So out went the bathtub...
my advice is do **NOT** do it. If you make this mistake and do it, then you will need to see an eldercare attorney, establish power of attorney, medical power of attorney, caregiver contracts, seeing a tax lawyer, estate planning...will....it is a LEGAL mess as well.
The cost of diapers is about 50 cents a piece. Mom used about 5 or 6 a day. A box of gloves about $10 (100 pairs). Lotions, bandages..ointments...and all your time. I spent tens of thousands of dollars of my own money on her care. I ended up sacrificing my life for her. 15 years of Alzheimer's disease.
You have no idea what you are getting yourself into.
I love my two grandchildren and would not want them to give up their lives to take care of me in my decline. I don't want them to see me or remember me that way. I have told them to visit me when I am up to it but I will make my own arrangements to be cared for when that time comes. I did not allow anyone to come visit me when I was in the hospital several times last year because I look very scary at those times. I was well taken care of by the wonderful staff at the hospital and I got better and went home. I am not yet out of my tree and hope I can make my own arrangements in the future. I am used to living alone and I like it. I never feel lonely. I also know that I might be in worse shape as the years pass but I don't want my grandchildren to have to remember me like that or to fear the end of life. It cam be ugly.
Better to visit me when you are happy. Tell me what you are doing and your hopes for the future.
PS: I know that you are not planning to ignore your relative, I wanted to state that clearly to you and others.
I wish you well.
Bob
My only advice would be to lookout for your own (mental) health and safety. Do not pick up your grandmother if you are not strong enough and been trained to do so. You want to have the use of your back for the rest of your life -- and picking her up/assisting her up and down can take its toll. Be Careful.
You have to take breaks from your grandmother -- constant care is hell. Make sure you schedule time away -- a couple of hours reading at a favorite coffee shop once a day, a trip to the Y to workout, meeting with friends your own age...these kinds of things.
Have your own goals and hobbies that you continue to strive for/work on. Grandma won't be here forever, but you have to think about your future and what you want to accomplish with your time on earth, right?
Best -- Happy New Year!
My mother did not move in with me, but rather with my sister and BIL . She had been steadily declining for some years, it was the more or less forced sale of her property to developers that meant she lost her home of almost 40 years. We were not prepared for the unhappiness this would cause her, especially when she had always said she would be happy whilever her girls were around her, that was all she would want There are 3 of us by the way, she wanted us all to live side by side. She was very unreasonable when this expectation could not be realised, not because we refused to change our living arrangements, but because the properties did not exist in the rural area in which she wanted to us all to remain.
After a lifetime of scrimping and saving, making do with little, we thought she would enjoy her new financial security. She could buy anything she wanted, rather than needed. She was free of the responsibilities associated with running a property, something she had been doiing for almost 20 years after my fathers death. But instead she hated the loss of independence, the sudden big bank account daunted her, sometimes to the point of despair. Forgeting about it has been the only positive to come from dementia.
This was my sisters first home, brand new, modern, or as mother said, posh. Yet mother insisted they use all her (mothers) shabby, damaged furniture, patched linens, rubbish art, useless collections of bibs n bobs, kitchen items.....everything from her washing machine right down to her measuring cups and vegetable peelers. She was no longer cooking but wanted her own stuff around her. My sister has lovely household and decorator items more suited to the new home, but they had to remain packed in removalist boxes until mother went into permanent care 3 years later. She did not appreciate the disappointment this caused. Mother had even insisted on them buying a particular home that was not suited to her own growing physical needs, nor to my sister and BILs failing health.
Mother was disappointed, even hurt, that we did not value a lot of her belongings as she did. She also expected to eat her traditional type of meals, not their preference for more healthy food, to watch her programmes on tv, for them to all retire at night at her prefered time, to sit with her as soon as they came in from work, and on it went. My sister is a teacher and has a lot of prep work to do each night. This caused resentment because she (mother) was not the sole focus of tbeir attention.
Vision is cerainly 20/20 with hindsight. Although mother was diagnosed with only MCI soon after the big move, it is now obvious that dementia had really begun to take hold. We had absolutely no idea what it involved and how it impacts not only the victim but the entire family. This person who moved in with my sister and BIL was no longer the considerate, generous and easily pleased mother we grew up with. Her deteriorating physical state was nothing compared to the onset of dementia...she is now diagnosed with 3 types.
Jobot, the best advice I can give is to find out all you can about your grandmothers failing health from her doctor, but most especially how to cope with her memory issues. There will be no right or wrong way to approach them a lot of the time, but be ready for the unexpected. It is all a rocky ride. You are a good granddaughter to want to care for an elder, just dont let it take over your life longer than you can cope.
Your grandmother's condition WILL deteriorate. Caring for her WILL get harder and more demanding. Her condition will take her (and thus you) on a ride that she cannot stop or control. Unless you have a lot of family or friends committed to giving you mental/physical breaks, chances are you will experience total exhaustion and isolation. Then there's the concern for YOUR financial future if you can't get a job. Except for Alzheimer's progression, your grandmother could last for YEARS, and each year her condition will deteriorate requiring more care--harder-to-provide care for one person.
To help your grandmother, as others have posted earlier, contact her POA (or other person who's familiar with her needs) and ask what the POA might need help with. Is Assisted Living and perhaps a skilled long-term facility in her near future? Does she have live-in help now? Can you spend the weekend with your grandmother to help her, and get to know her history (and spare her caregiver)?
You can help your grandmother a lot with treating her with dignity and by being patient and actually answer her repeated (and repeated) questions. Take her out for drives or places she might be able to go. You can do a lot for your grandmother to help her stay in her home. She (via her POA) must help you and her other caregivers by paying for a cleaning crew and a gardener, et al.
Bottom line is, as admirable of you to consider moving in and trying to keep your grandmother in her home, as many of us who have been there or are doing that, it's a LOT harder than it seems. The short-term and long-term tolls on a caregiver can be very serious.