my father-in-law has dementia. I know about taking care of someone my Dad had a stoke so none of the care giving is new to me. My husband has MS he goes to his dads everyday its about a 30 minute drive. His sister lives 4 minutes down the road. Here's the deal she's POA it has gone to her head. She's making wrong decisions and really there is nothing we can do,at the moment. She says she's tired of doing everything. All she's doing is spending money. She wanted to put him in a memory loss center. Well he's not ready for that. He has money to take care of him.I'm trying to figure out a way to make her understand she needs to help staying with him. We have a caregiver during the day. The sister is no buying good food for him to eat. This is really hard on my husband. This is just the tip of the problems were having with her. We get help she fires them. Than my husband has to go over there to take care of his dad.Than she hires them back. She's really taking advantage of this POA job. She has got to help but she's not. We don't know what to do. Any suggestions. He is just not ready for a home and that's what she wants so she don't have to take care of him.
My guess is the Sister with POA has her own views.
Take care. Families can support each other in times of illness, disease & stress. Good listening & respect are always valuable.
However, telling other people what they *should* be doing comes off as judgemental & bossy.
There is no reason she should be expected to give up her life for him nor should your husband.
Are you clinically trained to make the determination that he is not ready for memory care? Dementia is a tricky disease that has no cure and the sooner one is placed the better the outcome will be over the long haul.
Your SIL has the POA so she is in charge if he has become incapacitated due to physical & mental health.
Personally, I think she is on the right track.
I don’t blame your SIL. It’s a lot of work and as you see, it’s unsustainable.
I applaud anyone who taps out of caregiving because they know their limits. You can’t force someone to continue to do it.
Her Financial POA gives her the ability to place Dad without your husbands approval. IMO, if aides need to be hired to care for him, then he is ready for Memory care. If in early stages and easy to care for, Assisted living may take him. Why not take the burden off of everyone and place him.
Did SIL ask to be POA or did Dad assign her without asking. This is a problem I see, principles assigning someone who has not agreed to be POA. Somewhere along the line the person finds out and assumes they have to except it. They don't, they can revoke it. I had POA for my Mom and now for my Nephew. I was present both times the POAs were done. Neither time was I asked to sign that I excepted the assignment. I should have been. Its a contract and I should have had to sign. I have found being a member of this site, that people have the wrong info on how a POA works. There are lawyers who are POAs. Do you think they personally do for their client, no. They hire people from their clients money.
Your husband has MS, so did my cousin and stress was bad for her. You SIL may not be a caregiver and thats OK. I am not. Allow her to place FIL. He will be well cared for. You can visit. You can have ur lives.
If you don't want to do that, leave your sister in law alone to make the determination as to whether FIL is "ready" for Memory Care Assisted Living now or not. Set down your OWN boundaries as far as how often you'll help with caregiving, especially at a moment's notice.
Consider your SIL is overwhelmed right now. It's very difficult taking care of an elder with dementia. Rather than POA having gone to her head, as you say, she may be all over the map not knowing WHAT the right thing to do is. Compassion and understanding may go a lot further towards figuring this out with her rather than jumping to conclusions. I'm sure your DH and his sister both want the best for their dad.
With dementia at play, he should be allowed to eat whatever HE wants to eat because his life is already riddled with enough misery as it is. When my mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, I'd bring her a whole load of her favorite snacks all the time. She'd lived her life on a diet, and in her mid 90s, no more of that nonsense!
Wishing you the best of luck with all of this.
This is too hard on your husband and his sister is also tired and burned out from this situation .
Your husband is not required to go over to his Dad’s . He’s choosing to . And you can not demand your sister in law to provide hands on care either . She has the right to not choose to be a hands on caregiver . POA does not require her to be a hands on caregiver . At home care is not working out .
As far as the food , perhaps FIL has gotten to be a more picky eater , that can happen with dementia . Perhaps she buys him the food he is willing to eat . Perhaps she felt the only way to get you to see that at home care has become too difficult is to fire the caregivers and let your husband see what it’s like .
Your FIL needs to be placed . It’s not a wrong decision , or POA going to her head or her taking advantage . She stated it’s too much to do everything by keeping him home . She’s burned out .
She is trying to do what she is supposed to do when someone is burned out and caregiving is no longer working at home . She wants to place him in order to make sure he has caregivers . I’m sorry but I’m with sister in law on this .
You tell us, regarding sis, that: "She's making wrong decisions and really there is nothing we can do,at the moment."
You are correct. There is nothing you can do about this at the moment.
That's the beginning and end of it.
She is the POA.
If your husband WISHES to lay down the law as to what he himself can and can't do then he needs to have the courage to say:
"Sis, I have to back off from hands-on caregiving now; I can't do it with my job and family. It is up to you as POA to either hire caregivers, do the caregiving, or to place Dad in a facility. I hope we can sit down and discuss all this. But if not I have to tell you that I can't participate hands on. Here is what I CAN/WILL do (and here he says what he can and will do)."
Now as to the money you are worried about.
Currently that is in the hands of sister if she is acting for a father with dementia.
IF you feel she is not keeping good records then you are free to see an elder law attorney and tell them you fear financial abuse and wish the records of the POA for your Dad to have her records examined by the courts. You are aware that POA is a financial Fiduciary duty, am I correct? And that Sis must keep these records?
So you ask a judge to examine them. They are not your records and you do not now nor will you EVER have the right to examine them yourselves. That is something you need to know as well.
A visit to an Elder Law Attorney for an hour will inform you completely.
As a last resort, and if you truly feel your father is being ABUSED (not feeding a demented person is abuse) then you can call APS and explain your reasons and you wish that a wellness check be done to ascertain whether financial records are being kept and whether Dad is comfortable and well cared for.
Good luck.