What can I do to help my Dad?
My dementia Father is now living at home with me and my family. My mother is in another state getting care from my sister. My mother is guardian of my father and send me none of his income. He gets his pension, SS. VA benefits and another small ck from retirement. My father is 100% disabled and legally blind. I have moved him to different facilities that did not work out for him and they consider him dangerous since he wants to leave. Mother wants him in lock up. I don't so I brought him home. He is 75% better after I took all the drugs away that were making him sick. Now he is high end care and wants to go everywhere with me and needs fun all day long. I am blessed that he is better. But for over a year while my mother has been gone she has not send a penny towards his care after me taking him home. She does not want me to use their car to take him to the VA or anywhere and even wrote the miles down to make sure I don't use it. She does not want me to live in their home that he loves because she doesn't want him to dirty it. The home is on the same street I live in. I have two stories and it can be dangerous for my father since all bedrooms are upstairs. I'm told by my mother not to take him out to eat let him eat at home. And to cut his hair myself so there is no expensive on grooming. I still have taken him out to eat with my own money and brought him clothes and taking him for haircuts to my expense. But I need help. He needs to go into a Senior Day care 5 times a week to give me a break. He love to play too much and I don't have a life. My mother has brain cancer and I don't want to stir the pot. But I am getting to the point that I have to do something to resolve this and be my fathers advocate on this matter. He is getting nothing nor are they paying for all the vitamins that have made him better and they tell me not to buy them anymore. They never call him nor ask how he is doing or what can they do to help. I can't afford an attorney and don't know who to turn to. My father wants to change his life and what is happening is not fair. He clearly know that this is not right.
I would be more hopeful if you hadn't gone about this like a bull at a gate. Your mother wants to sell their family home to release funds. She has guardianship for your father. She has serious worries of her own. And what you've done - with the best of intentions, and with your father's welfare uppermost in your mind, I know - is stick a spanner in the works at every turn. You've removed him from long term care. You're jeopardising the sale of the house. You've rejected medical advice (and I hope to goodness you've been very careful about that, by they way). You've stuck two fingers up to her with that 'fine, who needs your money, I'll pay' attitude - which can't be doing your financial health any good - and all this time what she wants is to reduce the number of problems in her life. She must be furious with you, at a time when she really can't cope with it.
Are you on speaking terms with your sister? If there is any way, it would be better to talk to each other about how best to manage on both of your parents' behalf. They are still legally an item, after all.
And if she is acting on his behalf pursuant to a Power of Attorney and not a real court approved Guardianship, then you can take action to get appointed. It sounds like mom is not able or his money is going somewhere it shouldn't be going.
ALSO, for bank accounts where someone has DISABILITY and social security checks going into them, there must be a Representative Payee appointed. It's actually illegal to handle those funds on behalf of another unless you get this appointment by Social Security Adm. That person has to file proof as to how those funds are spent on behalf of the beneficiary. Is she doing that? Those disability funds are for the beneficiary and if they are being used for other purposes, they will have to answer why.
You might think about petitioning the court which granted her the guardianship to reconsider the appointment and substitute you. With brain cancer, she likely won't be able to meet the requirements of financial management either now or later.