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Stop typing in all caps. It's hard for people to read. It sounds like your mom has health issues you are in denial about. You might want to rethink the idea that she is in the wrong place. Nursing homes don't just accept anyone.
If your sister has POA, given to her by your mom while she was competent. If your mother is no longer competent the only way that you can change the situation is to go to court and petition for Guardianship. you will have to prove to the Judge that you will take better care of your mother than the facility. You will have to prove that you can provide a safe place for her. It is not an easy task caring for someone. And if mom has dementia the task is even more daunting. You say you will provide a full time nurse. Does your mother actually need a Nurse? If so she probably has more medical problems than you are even aware of. If the facility she is in is Skilled Nursing rather than Memory Care then she needs more care. that makes it much more difficult.
How do you know your mother was put there "against her will"? If you have talked to your mom and this is what she told you...if mom has dementia then you truly can not believe everything she says.
What I suggest that you do is : Since you can communicate with mom, I am guessing you have talked to her, do not know if you have visited her but if you are able to visit leave mom where she is. Let mom adjust to surroundings. It is common for a person to decline when they are moved from one place to another.
Do not upset your sister. She is POA so she holds the strings when it comes to allowing contact. If she determines that communication with you upsets mom she has the ability to restrict and even prohibit any contact.
If your mother doesn't have any cognitive problems she can revoke your sister's POA and reassign it to you. Make an appointment to bring her to the attorney who wrote her POA, or a new attorney if that one is unavailable. The attorney will want to talk with you mom privately to verify that she is of sound mind. If he finds that she is, he will let her revoke your sister's POA and reassign it to you.
I had to have 2 physicians (one a neuropsych) declare her incompetent of making decisions - she was refusing to but I could not continue to care for her even with help in the home.
IM NOT ANGERY I ALWAYS WRITE IN CAPS. YES IT IS EXPENSIVE BUT MY HUSBAND AND MYSELF HAVE THE MONEY AND WITH THAT BEING SAID IF WWE ARE WILLING TO PAY AND HAVE HER BE IN THE CARE OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE HER AND SHE WANTS TO COME HERE, THE TWO GIRLS SHE HAS DONT WANT TO BE BOTHERED WITH HER. SHE IS 91 AND DOESNT HAVE ANY HEALTH ISSUES. SINCE BEING PUT IN A HOME SHE WILL NOT EVEN GET UP FOR THE BATHROOM AND THEY PUT HER IN DAPERS. SHE HAS GIVEN UP ON LIVING AND IT MAKES ME SO SAD. I JUST LOVE HER AND DONT WANT HER TO GIVE UP. SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY UNTIL THE END. WE WANT HER TO BE HAPPY.
She actually does have health issues. If she will not get up for the bathroom, that is a health issue. If she won't get up, they have to put her in diapers because she won't get up. Why is not getting up for the bathroom a health issue? Because normal people with normal cognition do not want to sit in their own urine and feces. And she has given up on living, you say. Well, she's 91. Lots of old sick people do give up on living, and taking her home with you will most likely not change that. And believe me, once you get her in your home, you will be dismayed that she has so many elder mental and health issues that you didn't realize before you took her in. Then what will you do? I advise you to have a plan for when it doesn't work out.
I was caregiver for both of my parents, who lived to 92 and 95. Now my husband is in Stage 7 dementia and lives in a certified Alzheimers care home where they love him and take good care of him. He's been there for a year and a half. I'm there most days, and I see what you're talking about in the residents at the care home. Taking them out of professional care is not the answer. And anyway, if you don't have POA, you can't do anything to change this.
Michele, be grateful that your mother is in a safe place where she can receive appropriate care 24/7; that you are therefore able to live your life freely and visit your mother as often as you want but return home to your own life; and that you won’t be writing to this forum as an overwhelmed and frustrated caregiver whose life has been taken over.
OP - You seem very angry, posting in all caps. These are emotional issues. It’s important to take a breath. When we are super angry it is hard to think straight AND it isn’t going to help you communicate effectively with your sister, who your mom put in charge of these decisions.
If you are not able to accept that your sister has the BURDEN of POA and show some respect and gratitude, you will end up shut down and shut out of getting information about your mom or becoming a partner in decision-making. If you were so eager to have her in your home, you should be eager to continue to help your mom and your sister where she is now.
No one with POA wants to hear someone carping on and second guessing difficult decisions. Being POA is not easy and neither is putting your mom in care. So start with an attitude adjustment or you might lose access to your mom completely.
A lot of people come on this forum with the same question. Your Mom assigned your Sister to be her POA. She must have trusted her to make the correct decisions for her. She must have met the criteria to be placed in a Care Home.
What health problems does Mom have? How old is she? Did you tell your sister you would take Mom in? Which I would not do without POA. Are you from the States?
Michele...it really doesn't matter what you wanted at this point as your sister who has the POA has the final say as to what is best for your mom. Now if you want to go to court and file for guardianship over your mom to try and fight this you can. But be prepared to spend many thousands of dollars to do so. Br grateful that your mom is receiving the 24/7 care she now requires and that you can just go visit her as her loving daughter and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
Few elders look forward to transitioning into care facilities but they are not prisoners or captives: they are there because their PoA decided it is the most appropriate care arrangement for them. Either caring for them in the home became overwhelming or they weren't safe in their home.
Please give us more information for context:
How old is your Mom? How old are you? Is your sister your Mom's PoA? If not, is anyone? Does your Mom have dementia or some other debilitating illness, like Parkinsons? What was the care arrangement before your Mom before went into facility care?
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If your mother is no longer competent the only way that you can change the situation is to go to court and petition for Guardianship.
you will have to prove to the Judge that you will take better care of your mother than the facility. You will have to prove that you can provide a safe place for her.
It is not an easy task caring for someone. And if mom has dementia the task is even more daunting.
You say you will provide a full time nurse.
Does your mother actually need a Nurse? If so she probably has more medical problems than you are even aware of.
If the facility she is in is Skilled Nursing rather than Memory Care then she needs more care. that makes it much more difficult.
How do you know your mother was put there "against her will"?
If you have talked to your mom and this is what she told you...if mom has dementia then you truly can not believe everything she says.
What I suggest that you do is :
Since you can communicate with mom, I am guessing you have talked to her, do not know if you have visited her but if you are able to visit leave mom where she is. Let mom adjust to surroundings. It is common for a person to decline when they are moved from one place to another.
Do not upset your sister.
She is POA so she holds the strings when it comes to allowing contact.
If she determines that communication with you upsets mom she has the ability to restrict and even prohibit any contact.
I was caregiver for both of my parents, who lived to 92 and 95. Now my husband is in Stage 7 dementia and lives in a certified Alzheimers care home where they love him and take good care of him. He's been there for a year and a half. I'm there most days, and I see what you're talking about in the residents at the care home. Taking them out of professional care is not the answer. And anyway, if you don't have POA, you can't do anything to change this.
Please let us know how it goes, and good luck.
If you are not able to accept that your sister has the BURDEN of POA and show some respect and gratitude, you will end up shut down and shut out of getting information about your mom or becoming a partner in decision-making. If you were so eager to have her in your home, you should be eager to continue to help your mom and your sister where she is now.
No one with POA wants to hear someone carping on and second guessing difficult decisions. Being POA is not easy and neither is putting your mom in care. So start with an attitude adjustment or you might lose access to your mom completely.
What health problems does Mom have? How old is she? Did you tell your sister you would take Mom in? Which I would not do without POA. Are you from the States?
Now if you want to go to court and file for guardianship over your mom to try and fight this you can. But be prepared to spend many thousands of dollars to do so.
Br grateful that your mom is receiving the 24/7 care she now requires and that you can just go visit her as her loving daughter and not her burned out and overwhelmed caregiver.
Please give us more information for context:
How old is your Mom?
How old are you?
Is your sister your Mom's PoA? If not, is anyone?
Does your Mom have dementia or some other debilitating illness, like Parkinsons?
What was the care arrangement before your Mom before went into facility care?