I've cared for my mother for the past 14 years, I love her but she is full of negative things behind closed doors and my health has and is suffering . I have a brother she gave him his house and land 15 years ago I bought mine from her 15 years ago. I'm the only one caring for her and my brother is same distance as I am. Please advise me of how I can legally not be responsible I'm tired and used up and somehow I'm the one that the chips seem to fall on. I'm trying to start to care for myself and I'd like to visit her like everyone else does but I'm not emotionally or physically able to continue as I've done in the past, How do I legally free myself?
"I am caring for my mother Alva, who is 89 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, arthritis, broken hip, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, and osteoporosis.
I live next door to my mother who is 89, and has dementia as well as confined to a wheelchair. I have some arthritis and a few medical problems as well I'm wearing down and would love some information on services that I can use to help with my mother bathing and eating and physical therapy as she is more argumentative with me."
You are certainly not the only person who has been in this distressing position.
If you are not her PoA or court-ordered legal guardian then you are not legally responsible. The only thing holding you back is how handing off her care is going to make you feel. It won't feel good but it will get better.
Call social services for your county to discuss options for in-home services for her. She doesn't need to know you're doing this. If she is immobile then she may be qualified for LTC, and as such, Medicaid. You can help her fill out an application for it, or the social workers can do it. The county can acquire guardianship of her if no one is her PoA. If you are the one researching facilities, make sure they accept Medicaid patients and have open beds. Otherwise, the SWs can do this. I wish you all the best in this effort.
Is she suffering from dementia?
Have you become her POA?
Have to taken her into your home or moved into hers?
If all of these things are true, then you are legally responsible for her care and safety. If they're all true you have willingly done everything there is to MAKE YOURSELF responsible step by step by step.
You cannot now decide you will abandon a helpless woman and move to Alaska.
HOWEVER, if you are NOT POA, have been living in HER home, and she is competent to make her own decisions for her care when you leave, you can simply leave. Any time you wish. You will have taken on no Fiduciary duty under the law. That's what your brother has done, and look how well it's worked for him?
Time now to see an elder law attorney. If you are POA your Mom's funds pay for this advice. If not it is on your dime and will cost a good deal more than that.
Time to find out what your legal duties are, whether or not your Mom can be placed into care, how to make a care contract for shared living costs while she is with you, how to resign POA if you took it on and cannot mentally or physically continue in those duties. Find out what ALL your options are.
I wish you the best. I am sorry this is taking your time, your money and your health. We see this happen slowly, like water torture, a drop at a time so often here, so know you aren't alone. You need now to find out your duties and your options under the law. Expert advice is needed. I surely hope you will update us and I couldn't be more sorry for your predicament.
I see from your profile she lives next door. Does she own the home or any other property that could be sold to pay for her care? Do you or brother or anyone else have Power of Attorney for her?
I wonder if your Area Agency on Aging might be able to help you assess where she’s at medically and what she’s eligible for. This website for the Northwest Tennessee Area Agency on Aging seems to include Carroll County:
https://www.setaaad.org/119.417
An information/referral phone number listed on the website is 1(866) 836-6678.
Who holds the Durable Power of Attorney?
You are in burnout, you need to get your life back on track. Stand up for yourself, it is now or never.
If you hold the DPOA, send your mother & brother a letter stating that you resign from that appointment.
If you feel the need, consult with a lawyer in your area.
Sending support your way!
Having POA would be a help. Then you could get her accessed for 24/7 and place her. The State could take over her care but then u have no involvement on where she is placed and what happens to her house and money.
I would get all the info together then take it to brother. Tell him ur no longer caring for Mom. These are the options you have found. Tell him decisions have to be made. If he can't help in the decision making, then you will make the decisions.
If my parents gave my brother a house and made me pay for mine, I would not be their caregiver. And if I was, I would have Immediate POA. That way I can have them placed when the time comes.
Who has POA if anyone?
With the diagnosis of dementia she can not or should not be living alone.
Let your brother know you can no longer help provide care for mom.
If anyone is POA inform them as well.
If no one is POA contact your local Area Agency on Aging and see what help is available and what can be done.
You can also contact your State hot line number and report a vulnerable adult.
Your local Senior Center might actually have a representative that would eventually get contacted about this.
but bottom line...you are not responsible for her.
Most likely if no relative wants to be her Guardian she will become a Ward of the State and a Judge will appoint a Guardian.