My mom was supposed to go to a Senior Nursing Facility. When they arrived to transport her there, she reused to go because she won't leave her dogs! We had talked about this for several weeks and all along she said she understood she needed care. She does have short term memory loss, and I worried if she would remember these conversations. We don't live in the same state, and because of my medical issues, I can't take care of her. She can no longer perform activities of daily living, let alone take care of her dogs. What can I do?
Longer version: It's unlikely to be very helpful, but line up a foster home for the dogs or a rescue if you are unable to keep them yourself. We had the exact situation with my MIL. One year ago she toured a lovely independent living place but wasn't interested because the "yard is too small" for her 75-pound, 12-year-old Shepherd mix. She also adamantly refused the idea that she needed to move and that she was going to burn her house down. The dog is a sweetie, but she was having incontinence issues and MIL never remembered to give her the bladder pills. MIL was frequently forgetting to feed the dog as well. We think the pup was living on treats, which were usually remembered. The house was being taken over by rats, which the dog didn't chase, because MIL kept the flap off the doggie door because the dog wouldn't use the door if the flap were inserted. In Feb 2023 MIL fell and was on the floor for almost 36 hours. (MIL refused to wear a Life Alert and would frequently not answer the phone and her neighbor traveled a lot. We live 120 miles from her, which takes 3 to 5 hours depending on L.A. traffic.) She was in the hospital for a week and skilled nursing for a month. While she was there we were able to bring in a dog rescuer from her senior community. The rescuer cared for the dog for a week while finding a foster home. We were surprised when the foster home fell in love with her. They adopted her. We had to tell MIL that the dog had not been healthy when she went into fostering and that she couldn't stay by herself nor could she come to the assisted living. (AL was the only option according to the EMTs who rescued her - they could assess her living conditions - and per the doctors who cared for her.) But the foster/rescuer was the linchpin to the whole thing with the dog. We were unable to bring her to our house, in case you're wondering, because we are moving to Washington next year to be close to our son, who wants us to make the move so that he doesn't have to deal with long-distance care issues in the future since he has seen our difficulties with his grandma. MIL flatly refuses to move anyplace that is any colder than So Cal because she "paid her dues" by growing up in Minnesota. So there are stubborn people everywhere you turn in this family. Me too, I guess, because it doesn't make sense to me to move down there.
Your Mom has memory loss so no point in hoping she will remember anything (been there, done that with my MIL). If she asks about the dogs after they leave, tell her they need to get vet check-ups/updated vaccinations before they can be approved to come back. Then if she continues to ask about them you can tell her the same story or whatever will keep her calm and satisfied.
I wish you success in helping her and her pets transition in their new homes.
This is one topic on which very little help is given to people with a genuine problem, and most posts will make them feel worse.
We run a sheep farm, and I quite agree with SP that it’s wrong to think that “farm animals have no feelings or sentinentcy because they are raised for food”. Sheep may not be too bright, but we certainly treat ours well. That doesn’t stop them being raised for food. Our neigbors raise beef cattle and also breed dogs for sale. They are both businesses.
If you want to adopt a child to be a ‘member of the family’, here at least there are extensive checks before you are approved for adoption. It might be good if the same applied for pet ‘family members’.
good luck & hugs 🤗
this is so sad.
Apparently, the forum has many people who love animals! Hey, some pets are nicer than some people that we know, right? 😊
Could someone else take the dogs ? and visit her?
If she won't remember conversations you have with her, how will she remember to feed / take care of the dogs?
[I worked with a client who had a lovely dog - I took care of a lot of her needs when I was there 3-4 x / week. Although if I wasn't there, the poop would build up on the patio (pads) to the point the dog started to poop in the small apartment. I also took the dog to the vet as needed.
Clearly it sounds like your mom would need a caregiver to take care of the dogs although I realize this isn't your question).
Does she / can she take care of the dogs - now - in the future?
If she cannot, she'll need to surrender the dogs at some points - not easy any time.
If it possible for her to move into a facility that'll take dogs (I know, a shot in the dark asking). In Mill Valley - The Redwoods allows dogs. Although this development is several levels of care, not a nursing home.
There is no easy way to address this. It is a MAJOR LOSS for your mom.
(I see it with several clients - some have had strokes and family immediately takes the dog away).
I'll read some of the others' responses. My suggestion would be to listen to your mom - her emotional pain and provide reflective listening ("I hear you saying ... I know you feel xxx").
That she doesn't want to move due to this bonding with her beloved dogs (is very close to my heart, too although I don't have any I'm sad to say) and I am functional / could have a dog here.
Bottom line, it is either
1) up to her to move or not, depending on your legal authority
2) if she has decision making;
3) if she has short term memory loss, it seems to be your decision
4) Her welfare and safety comes first. If she needs care, the dogs are secondary, no matter how difficult the parting / separation of her and her dogs. It is a heartbreaking situation.
Gena / Touch Matters
Many of us long for a peaceful death for ourselves or the people we are caring for. Many elderly people also long for a peaceful death for themselves, when their bodies or their future lives aren’t working out well. "I hope I die in my sleep". The option is already there in some places, and there is a lot of pressure to make it more widely available. The opposition is usually religious.
A peaceful death is not a bad option for pets, too, when circumstances have changed and their care becomes very difficult. The vet can arrange it so that they do not suffer.
The dogs could be adopted out or other arrangements could be made.
You are hugely jumping to conclusions - and your response doesn't address the emotional attachment of this woman's relationship and feelings about her dogs. I question if you mis-read the post? as your response doesn't make any sense, or clearly misses the point.
One of my mom’s home health nurses was so lovely. She told us about one of her patients who had a cute little dog that took to her as soon as she met her.
The old woman was going to live in a nursing home and couldn’t take her dog with her.
The woman asked this nurse if she would be willing to take the dog because the dog truly loved her and she said she would be so happy knowing that her dog was loved.
The nurse agreed to take her dog and the dog adjusted well in her new home. Happy ending for the woman, the nurse and the dog!
A skilled nursing facility won't allow pets. Period. If she needs skilled nursing then the only options are to provide it at home (big, big bucks) or go to a SNF. Some people have already made some suggestions about what to do with the dogs.
If she doesn't need a SNF but can get away with a board-and-care then some board-and-care facilities do allow pets and she could take her dogs with her. As was mentioned, some assisted livings do, too, but that doesn't sound like an option.
I'm am sorry. I think that people over a certain age should rethink having dogs/cats unless they make provisions for them. When my mom's cat died she got another one despite us telling her not to and now we will all pay for the short-sighted decision. It would be a lot easier to find a home for her one cat instead of the two she has now.
That is such a tough situation! Our Mom doesn't need a SNF yet, but she is currently in an assisted living community that allows pets. I have begged my two siblings to help me come up with a plan for her dog when/if she has to go into the hospital or a SNF or actually passes away. Both siblings don't have any pets, and have plenty of room to take the dog, but travel a lot for their jobs and show no interest having pets. And tbh, our Mom's dog is not well trained, and barks alot and fights with other dogs. Needless to say, the assisted living community where she lives has been a godsend in allowing her to keep the dog. However, most of the dog's care falls to me "because I live closer", I take her to the vet, the groomer, and line up dog walkers (I walk her myself once or twice a week). I have my own very anxious rescue dog and a timid older cat, in a small house. My daughter only has a small apartment with a FIV+ cat.
Food for thought: While I am a huge dog lover, I see the writing on the wall. I am 60, and if I am lucky, my current dog will be with me into my early 70s. I know circumstances change, but my plan at that point is either to volunteer at a shelter and/or adopt an older dog with decent training, AND have a plan should something happen to me. My parents had no business getting a puppy they weren't prepared to adequately train or exercise. And then my dad passed away, and my Mom who was 77 at the time with mental health issues, couldn't understand why this untrained, wild dog wasn't a fluffy toy that quietly sat in her lap and read her mind. Despite the initial struggles, my Mom doted on her dog, and we felt it was extremely important to keep them together when we moved her to assisted living. So, note to self - if you get another pet, have a back up plan, just like you would for your human family. Never assume you are going to outlive your pet.
My Mom is now 87 and her dog is 12. The dog is calmer, but still can't be around other dogs. And its up to me to figure out what do with the dog when something happens. It has been really difficult actually. I have talked to the vet, the dog walkers, other organizations. My husband is adamant that we not take the dog due to our animal situation and he is right. I'm getting zero support from my siblings. Hoping an angel adopter comes along at the right time, I guess.
People like that are out there. Try adoption websites.
If she needs help with paying for care check there are some wonderful ones. We have one here called IRIS. She can pick who she wants for health care givers (including family).
I don't blame her a bit for not wanting to give up her dogs! I wouldn't either. Dogs give you so much love and are always there for you. They are part of the family. In a nursing facility, they often don't care about you and people become very depressed. Please don't do that to your mother.
She's obviously attached. Perhaps you need to consider her living in a home environment with several other seniors where that home allows her to have her dogs. The constant attention she gives the dogs is keeping her mind as active as it is. Once you remove them, since they are likely in her long term memory, and even if just for the short term, she's going to have a major depressive episode.
Maybe you can rethink your own life and figure out a way to live with her, and join forces, to each have your own caregivers, and coordinate them. I was crippled 30 years to through 50 years unable to walk and I took care of MY mom. You can do a lot more than you think.
Since I have no real details further than you gave, that's all I will say for now. I'm hoping the dogs are tiny ones. I'm hoping you can find a way to just go live with your mom. She is a treasure for you. Start giving her tylenol 1/2 a 325mg tab twice a day if her liver is okay. A 1/4 twice daily is worthwhile as well. It will help stop the inflammation in the brain that is associated with Alzheimer Dementia and allow the brain to heal itself. A major part of why AD gets worse over time is because the brain is fighting two conditions: the physical issues going on like tangles, but just as bad is inflammation of the brain. So the body is doing double duty trying to repair the brain, but it can't keep up. HOWEVER, once you eliminate the inflammation, those resources formerly divided among two tasks can now focus on repairing the brain.
Yes, the brain repairs itself, or.. the body repairs it. Get slugged, have a wreck and get a concusson, that's a bruise of the brain. Guess what! The body repairs the bruise over time. You can also give her Tyrosine, Galantamine, PQQ, NMN and other nootropics. My mother went from sundowning and walking around the home at 3am to no more sundowning and at 3am after going to pee went straight back to bed. I was able to reduce her Lorazepam from 4.5mg to 1mg daily and her Aricept from 23mg daily to 15 1/3mg with no side effects.
THAT reduction in her meds started after I began treating her with Tylenol. Acetaminophen. Why that? Because she regularly took a pain reliever, so you can substitute it for any other one. But why that one? Look it up. Tylenol is the ONLY NSAID that crosses the blood-brain barrier. So it's the ONLY ONE that can get into the brain to stop the inflammation going on there.
What's that mean? Let me define NSAID for you:
NSAID: Non-Steroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug. ANTI-INFLAMMATORY.
So naturally you want an ANTI-INFLAMMATORY that gets into the brain.
Which ones do that? Just one. ONLY ONE.
These NSAIDs can't cross the blood-brain barrier nor get into the brain! So...
Aspirin doesn't stop inflammation in the brain!
celecoxib (Celebrex) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain!
Ibuprofen (Advil, Motrin) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
Naproxene (Aleve, Flanax, Naprosyn) doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
flurbiprofen doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
ketorolac doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
ketoprofen Oruvail doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
tolmetin doesn't stop inflammation in the brain.
NONE OF THESE stop inflammation in the brain either:
indomethacin Indocin, Tivorbex
sulindac Clinoril
piroxicam Feldene
mefenamic acid Ponstel
meloxicam Mobic
diclofenac Cataflam, Voltaren, Zipsor, Zorvolex
etodolac
Acetaminophen (N-acetyl-para-aminophenol, paracetamol: APAP)...Morse originally synthesized it in 1878...since the 1980’s APAP became the first drug of choice for treatment of pain...APAP was initially categorized an NSAID...APAP CROSSES THE BLOOD BRAIN BARRIER WITH EASE and is distributed homogeneously THROUGHOUT THE CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM (CNS)
I never take one large daily dose. I break it down into multiple doses because I want to keep it on an even, steady keel with no overloading of my system. During active hours is a good time so that it circulates well. Give when she's wanting to drink fluids to help dilute it and distribute it. I always consider my liver, even though my is like mom's, in great shape.
I hold multiple degrees in Psychology along with multiple in Languages, and my expertise is Alzheimer's.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4912877/
ACETAMINOPHEN; FROM LIVER TO BRAIN: NEW INSIGHTS INTO DRUG PHARMACOLOGICAL ACTION AND TOXICITY - PMC (nih.gov)
I doubt that any dog lover could simply walk away from their beloved fur babies.
It would still be hard to leave pets knowing that the dogs were rehoused. It would be excruciating to abandon pets that she dearly loves. She has to either bring her pets with her or to at least know that they will be properly cared for.
Would I let her go to the store by herself to get cat and dog food at 95? No need to. Since this lady's definitely got a loving relationship going with her dogs, she can take care of them ... WITH HELP. If it would have helped my mom, you better know it that I'd be feeding those pups every day and taking them to the vet so she could reap the benefits having them near. The only thing I was concerned about was once they are in her long term memory, if something happens to them, she's gonna ask about them and want to see them.
Story about short & long term memory. One day we were at the grocery store leaving, when mom suddenly didn't recognize me. The guard came over and read my license and hers and once she saw him reading out my name and address and hers was the same, she was relieved. Then I started talking about her sisters and mom and the farm and the old days. That was in 2010 and it never happened again until 2013 during a hurricane. We went off to live in Alabama for two full years from Christmas 2011 to January 12th, 2014. There on the coast she got confused and wasn't sure of me. I had the police come and when she saw them calling me by my name, reading my license, calling me her son, she relaxed and that was that.
Each time I learned some new tricks to reassure her who I was. Knowing her favorite songs. Singing them. Actively talking about her life that she remembers. Being happy around her, never upset, never mad, always smiling, always asking what she wants to do, always taking her to church and letting her see all our friends we were making, talkiing to her and me, going to private home meetings and Bible studies where she was treated wth respect and dignity by most of the people. (Mom took glasses on a counter one time. Oh it was a fiasco privately as the homeowner was close to us, and her husband. Do you have the sunglasses? Let me check. They blamed it on her condition, but it wasnt that at all. I pulled out my glasses to show them, we had the same exact brand with one slight difference. Mom rightly thought I left my sunglasses on the counter! So they sterrotyped her and then had to apologize. The gal actually said to my face, "You know your mother has a problem, don't you? And she wanted an answer. How arrogant of her! ;d Honestly. How arrogant. All the meds I give her and I wouldn't know?) Now how does a late stage AD patient know those are my glasses? She was late stage when we left in 2011.
Another story for you. We went to a chiropractor for her because she slipped and the fall messed with the little bone that causes sciatic issues. We go in, regular session, one every week at that time, and she's on her stomach, he pushes down, and the table collapses as it's made to do, and she groans, Oh! You hurt me. She then got up, and we left as usual, and she stops to tell everyone in the office waiting, He hurt me. He really hurt me! I smiled and we left. THEN THE VERY NEXT WEEK, we go back in, and as he comes in and says Okay, we're gonna get on the table here, she walks over to sit down and says, "You're not gonna hurt me like you did last week, are you?"
He just looked at me and raised his eyebrows and I nodded, Yes, doctor, I keep telling people, AD isn't like everyone thinks it is. Maybe it was the pain associated with it. She remembers if someone hurts her, like getting poked with a needle to get B12. But of all the nootropics, the CBD, whatever I tried, the greatest breakthrough for mama was the day I discovered Tylenol is the only NSAID to cross the blood brain barrier and stop her brain inflammation.
If you love in different states how often were you able to visit your mom? I’ll bet not too often. That is not a judgement, it’s just the way it is and I totally get it.
So just remember that. If you want her to go to a nursing facility then you also have to consider her extended family (dogs)
There have been many great suggestions on this forum for you to explore. The best thing would be to have her dogs in a place that accepts them. If she can’t take care of them properly then reforming to a good home is what should be done. I wish you lots of luck and good vibes because this is not easy. I wish you and your mom to have the best possible outcome so she can get the help she needs and you can have peace with this.
Some facilities have visiting pet programs!
I disagree with this. She may well come up with another excuse, but I absolutely believe she is attached to her dogs, and this is a valid reason she would not want to go. She is showing the loyalty and love for her pets that they have shown to her, and it's totally normal AND EXPECTED. My dad (who had dementia) wouldn't leave until he knew his dog had a good home, and as my husband and I are dog people, we took in his 14 year old Schmoodle (Shitzu, Malteze, Poodle).
Trying to not be judgemental here, but why was finding the dogs new homes not taken into consideration before trying to take mom to a facility? Some people do not like dogs or cats, and just can't understand how important they are to those of us who do (I have an uncle like that...he's not a bad person, just doesn't have feelings for pets for some reason).
Believe it or not, there actually are people who are looking to take on the care of an elderly pet, as they may have just lost one, and their remaining dog or cat might take to an elderly new housemate, more readily than a new puppy or kitten. Please check out fostering on line, and keep in mind that it would probably be best for the person to come spend some time with them a couple of times before leaving with them, so the pet is not totally freaked out, going off with someone completely new.
It will give your mother peace of mind knowing her pets are comfortable in their new home, and not stressed out....who knows, she might actually be willing to go to a senior home then, as without her pets she likely will be lonely and ready for the next chapter where she might meet new people in a new place.
Another thought....and this might not be doable, as it would be a hard choice to make if she has more than one dog/cat, but some facilites will allow one small pet to be brought along. Something to think about....
https://www.npr.org/2023/09/06/1197824640/a-stray-dog-kept-showing-up-at-a-nursing-home-residents-finally-adopted-it#:~:text=Hourly%20News-,A%20stray%20dog%20kept%20showing%20up%20at%20a%20nursing%20home,fan%20that%20they%20adopted%20Scout.
Another organization to consider is called https://www.petsfortheelderly.org/, which places pets with other elderly-but-able individuals once their owners are unable to care for them. That might be something to try if you cannot have the dogs rehomed with friends or relatives.
I urge everyone to research all possible options to compassionately set the elder up so they can have their animals as long as possible. And just as change is very hard as one ages, to lose one's beloved animals is just another rupture in the household; even after a companion animal dies there is a sense of a 'hole' in the energy of the home, a 'disturbance in The Force' if you will, because there is, and it brings its own level of grief. 'Animal people' get it. Just because this elder 'understood she needed care' does not indicate her beloved animals would be provided for and not just ditched, because they need care too which she provided as best she could. Please find a good alternative. Maybe someone in her locale can adopt them and bring them to visit her, out of the goodness of their heart or for a fee.