I'll try to be brief here, even though I'd like to write a book!
Here are my two questions: (1) should my husband and I ask Dad for some sort of compensation for our services? (2) should we ask Dad to set aside enough money to cover his final expenses in a joint account with Dad's name and mine on it?
Here's the situation. Dysfunctional family. I'm the least favorite of the four children. Mom dislikes me to the point where she flies into a rage at her sister (my aunt) if she finds out that my aunt has spoken to me. She has mellowed slightly in the last few years, but the dislike is still there. My sister also dislikes me.
In spite of the family issues, my husband are doing all of the work of caring for my dad without assistance from Mom or my siblings. We took on this task because Dad was gravely ill and no one else was stepping up. It's been nearly three years now, and still no one else has stepped up. In fact, Mom and sister haven't even visited him. (They live about an hour and a half away.) My two brothers have visited, but they live thousands of miles away and aren't in a position to provide hands-on help.
Mom and Dad are financially comfortable, but Dad has no interest in paying for anything that he can get for free, and thus far that has included our services. He also has no interest in utilizing assistance that is available to him for free, such as the twice-weekly grocery runs at his independent living home. I'm very tired, and I'm starting to feel like a chump, particularly because I know that my sister and brother-in-law are being compensated for tasks that my brother-in-law carries out for Mom, such as cutting up a fallen tree. (I also know that they review my parents' checking account every month, but that's a separate issue.)
My husband and I have always felt that it's inappropriate to ask Dad for money because, as family members, we have an obligation to help him. But it's been a long and exhausting few years, and there's no end in sight. Would you ask for compensation going forward? And if so, how much?
Also, do you think that it's a good idea to ask Dad to set aside a small account, joint between him and me, to cover his cremation, death certificates, his last month's rent, and so on? If so, how much would be appropriate? When Dad passes, I'm sure that we'll have to cover those costs ourselves until the estate is settled unless Dad has created a final expense account.
I would certainly appreciate advice.
Thanks!
We had a strict no emergency policy while mom was in IL. It was only an emergency if the facility called 911. Otherwise, it was something that staff could take care of or that one of us could deal with on one of our weekly visits.
Medical visits. We use medical transport, ie ambulette. The facility sends an aide, at my request. I don't do wheelchairs and i don't do bathroom trips. I'm there to talk to the MD and to see that my mom gets the right kind of medical care.
I'm sure this sounds cold, but I can't afford to get injured "taking care" of mom.
I think this may be a boundary issue. What mom "wants" and what we can provide are two different things. None of us have ever had a problem saying no to her, and for whatever reason, she accepts what we can and can't do.
Look, my mom has vascular dementia. I don't expect her to get nuance or to look at things from my perspective. It's a lot like dealing with an egocentric small child. I state what can or can't be done. I give her two options if that's possible. But i can't fufill all my mom's wants and desires.
You've been helping your father for quite a while, w/o pay, while he is in fact paying sister and BIL. Yet you've continued to help him. There's obviously some enabling going on. If father can get away with not paying, he's going to.
You want compensation. He probably doesn't think he needs to pay. You may have to take a stand and decline to provide any more free help. Are you prepared to do that?
If not, get a caregiver contract drawn up and present it to him. Be prepared for anger. But before you do that, make a list of alternate sources he can use to get the help he needs. Then he has no excuse to say he doesn't know how to get the help you've been providing.
Are you, though, prepared to endure the anger if not alienation he may feel toward you, given that your mother and sister dislike you?
As to final expenses, suggest that he purchase a funeral plan now and lock in prices. That avoids the issue of a joint account.
I have the impression that it's important to you to be involved, and to be paid. The two may in fact be mutually exclusive, given the attitude of your parents.
Perhaps you may just have to step back and let the siblings and your parents work out their own arrangements, whether they want to or not.
If he pays you, he needs to set up a payroll or issue you a 1099, otherwise this is a "gift". You really should sit down with an Elder Law attorney for an hour and avoid making a big financial mess.
What are dad5emergencies? Are they medical in nature? Is there a doctor at the IL. One of the beauties of mom's setup was that there was a doctor whho had hours twice a week at the complex; we were able to ring him for direction if mom had a "crisis". We also cut back on doctors...no more cardio, gyno, mamo. Mom saw her eye doctor, but that was it.
"Call the staff" was our mantra when mom had an "emergency", it took her a while, but she got it eventually. Don't let the fact that you have an elderly parent derail your life.
Mom and Dad have always had serious marital problems. Until Dad became ill he lived with Mom in a house that is in her name only. Both of my parents are much happier with the current arrangement and do not want to live together.
ferris1, you're quite right that I've been doing what a daughter should do in the case of a family illness. And I think that up to a point it has been good for me to set aside my feelings about my past and present treatment by my family and practice forgiveness by giving service. However, the family illness phase is over. Now it's more a matter of providing continuous maintenance care.
My concern about the cost of the funeral arrangements is that Dad will no doubt pass away here because he's living here. The family will almost certainly refuse to pay for the cremation, and so on, especially if I ask them to do so.
Dad and Mom has been generous with my sister and her family, but their generosity doesn't extend to my family. Their finances, their choice. Dad will no doubt object strenuously if we try to get him to pay a professional for some services. However, I think that we're at the point where we can't continue doing everything ourselves.
Sister and her husband do a lot for Mom (who doesn't need anywhere the level of care that Dad needs), and I don't expect them to come here to help me. I do think that they should visit once in awhile (they haven't) because Dad misses them.
Here's the current plan. I actually am having some serious (although non-life-threatening) health issues. After I have more information (upcoming medical appointment should give me the details) I'm going to talk to Dad and explain that, at least for awhile, my health issues will make it necessary for him to hire paid help to provide some of his services. We have researched the paid assistance situation and have found what appears to be an excellent source of help. If Dad agrees, we will make the arrangements for him to hire a caregiver. If he refuses . . . then we'll have to think up a plan B.
As for the health issues, here's a snippet of a conversation I had with Dad awhile back:
Angie [after a particularly exhausting doctor visit/med run]: My back hurts.
Dad: And I'm tired. [no acknowledgment whatsoever of my remark]
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