MY 82 year old father had a stroke and was diagnosed with vascular dementia, cognitive deficits and Alzheimer's. He had a neuropsych evaluation, failed a driving test twice. He was living with me after the hospital and rehab stay. A 44 year old woman has now become his best friend. He gives her thousands of dollars. We called Elder Services, spoke to attorneys, discussed his condition with his doctors. He is not in "bad" enough shape for anyone to say he does not have capacity. The attorneys do not recommend filing for conservatorship or guardianship as the do not believe the Judge will find in our favor based on his abilities right now.
He is mean to his 3 daughters. I have removed myself from the situation. He stopped speaking to me. This woman tells him lies about us and he believes everything she says. What are our options?
We are concerned that she is going to spend all his money and when he needs to go into a home for care, all the money will be gone. They are walking around with wedding bands on, but he denies being married. We recently heard they are planning a trip.
I would make it very clear to your father--ALL OF YOU make it very clear--that if this is how he is spending his money he will be destitute and you WILL NOT TAKE HIM IN. Make that clear, and DO NOT DO IT. He's on his own. If he is well enough to make this decision let him make it. If he spends everything, that is that. He will be on medicaid, in a less good nursing home, and a ward of the state in which he lives. You can sweetly visit him there, but that is all you should do.
We have our choices. Medical MD and attorney have said he is not incompetent. So he can make this choice. And he should/will suffer the consequences of it. I am sorry, but that's life. I hope she's worth it.
One other thing you can do, though, is to notify his banks. They take a very dim view of people exploiting their customers.
She *is* going to spend all his money: she is most likely a seasoned predator (had one in our family, too). She knows what she's doing and will disappear like vapor after she drains your father.
If there's any way to do a criminal background check on her to see if she has a record of financial abuse or felony, maybe this will provide a way to get at her but I can't believe your attorney would not have already suggested this. This is a crime that is hard to prosecute so often there is no history to find.
She most likely is already his DPoA, so she will have all the legal upper hands. Maybe keep an eye on your Dad to watch for signs of neglect or physical abuse that would be reportable to APS. You'll probably be able to acquire guardianship after she abandons him, but at that point he won't have any money. Guardianship is an expensive process. Maybe get a second opinion, but attorneys want to take cases they feel are winnable. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
And I don't agree about a person suffering from Dementia being able to marry. If there is a formal diagnosis, they can't marry. Its a legal contract and people with a formal diagnosis cannot sign contracts.
These types of predators know exactly what to say to their victims to make them feel like the only person in the world. They make them feel loved and special to the extreme, which is how they get between them and their family. They focus their attention solely on their victim which for someone craving attention can be a real high. They are master manipulators and they plant ideas in their heads that people won't understand their relationship, that people will try to break them apart, that people will not like them, that the family just wants to control them, etc. All playing on the victim's sense of autonomy and control right at the time when they themselves are fighting their family for those things as well. They become their partner in crime to maintain a sense of control over their lives. They become us vs them. I say this with zero respect - it's evil psycho genius really. They look for vulnerable seniors who don't have the presence of mind or mental capacity to see them coming and the swoop in and do their thing before anyone realizes what is happening, and they swoop back out with anything they can take before they can get caught (or in some cases - they get the will changed and walk away with everything).
I agree with others. If your father has capacity and you can get nowhere with proving otherwise, and the legal community is telling you that you have no case for guardianship - you are at a wall. You have some hard decisions to make. We have had multiple doctors and even people from APS tell us that as long as a person has capacity - they are entitled to make their own decisions - no matter how ill-advised and stupid they may be.
I would want to do all I could to stop that predator & any coming after too.
Which professional did the NeuroPsych exam?
Even a few months may show a difference/decline in his abilities. Push for another.
Short screening tests will not pick up the deficits, not if vocab & social skills are good (imo). Certainly not those short questionaires or even mini mental exam. However, the full 1.5 NeuroPsych exam tests a wide range of cognitive ability. The Professional can 'translate' that to ability/lack of ability for ADL capacity, judgement & financial capacity.
It can get really specific. I think that's what you need. Not this 'not bad enough' sweeping statement..
I've seen 'HAS capacity for small day to day purchases but LACKS capacity for larger financial decisions eg buying/selling property'. In that case I remember POA for financial matters was activated.
Once you do get financial POA you can financially protect his assets. Plus the 'girl-friend' will slither away like the snake she is.