At 87 and 90 my in-laws are declining physically. They live 2.5 hours from us in an extremely rural area, in a two story home not designed for the elderly. Every offer of help falls on deaf ears. Their own children will not address the "driving" issue for fear of making them angry. They are isolated so there is no public transportation or other alternatives unless a family member drives; which they refuse. There is NO PLAN for their care. Their children think you can just move a caretaker in, but that is a false hope. I have offered to help but they want no one in their home interfering. Any suggestions?
In many families, the inlaws are non-vocal and have zero say in anything.
I know I could shout my ideas from a mountaintop and my DH's family would look at me like 'what's wrong with HER? Doesn't she know this doesn't affect HER?"
When in fact, we all know that whatever is going on within your personal nuclear family or your spouses family WILL and DOES affect us.
I think only the super strong or maybe the least compassionate person can stand back and watch absolute idiocy take place in the name of CG.
Not that I WANT to be in charge, I really just want to be heard and be of some help, which is impossible. If I've heard "this has nothing to do with YOU" once time, I've heard it a hundred times.
Sorry for your DH's family and their inability to talk to the parents like adults. we have that going on too.
Yes, there was upset and some push back, but we explained that we could not continue the worry that tragedy for both my parent and other drivers was optional. It's difficult for seniors to give up their independence as we let my parent vent about for as long as they needed to.
If they're your in-laws and this involves your spouse - you need to explain to your spouse that this sort of thing isn't an option for you either as it will eventually involve you. I'm lucky enough to have a spouse of whom we're on the same page.
My spouse has had to get very directive with my parent on a number of issues. I've also explained to my parent that freedom comes with cooperation.
Again though in our case, we're no longer dealing with a car or a "run-away" senior who constantly seeks a way out. We also have begun putting place professionals in place to come in and help.
Someone has to be the voice of reason in this situation. If not, eventually the situation will deteriorate and adult children could have to answer for it.
Hope this helps. Good luck. ~
I am in a rather similar situation except it is my parents (not in-laws) and they now live 5 minutes down the road from me in a suburban area. Dad has dementia and does not drive anymore, thank goodness. Mom has mobility issues and only drives to the grocery store in daylight. But they are both at high risk of falling, in fact my dad has developed dizziness and has fallen in the middle of the night, so far without serious injury. Aside from a cleaning service they vigorously resist any help (aide, adult daycare, assisted living) except from me and I have pretty strong boundaries in place on what I will do and won’t. I too am pretty much in a “wait for crisis” and I have DPOA and health care proxy for both of them.
1)
* Family and how they care / involve themselves.
- Clearly, they are not able (?) to take control of the situation and do what might be in their parents' best interest. To be afraid of making them angry could represent a multitude of history / family dynamics -- we / I cannot comment on why a family member would take this stance. It is clearly a red flag or a flag to be dealt with somehow.
* Who has legal authority and what can they (family) do? (If they wanted to, although it appears they do not want to do anything that could help their parents (?) I presume these are the parents - ?
* Clearly, if there is 'no plan for their care,' the family has made their decision(s).
* I am not clear on who you are.
2)
If the in-laws make decisions not in their best interest, there may be little that can be done.
* They do not want anyone in their home 'interfering.' My suggestion is to let go after, perhaps, contacting APS.
3)
* (Someone) call APS (Adult Protective Services)
* Have they been assessed medically? And, if so, would this make any difference to the couple? It could perhaps make a difference to get them into another living situation - I do not know.
Unfortunately, letting go is sometimes all that can happen.
On the other side of this situation, I at 87 and 90, they may be somewhat 'at peace,' with their decisions, and are ready to accept the consequences of those decisions (i.e., stay where they are, lack of support).
It sounds to me from what I read that the couple want to stay there and not have others interferring; the family is afraid to approach the situation so they are not involved. What else is left besides calling APS and ask for an assessment. Even so, these people are likely not going to be moving out of their home.
They get someone in there to assist them.
What else can be done?
Gena / Touch Matters
You will NOT allow either parent to move in with you, no matter what emergency happens. You will NOT provide care in their home. You will NOT tolerate your spouse doing those things either. You will NOT provide transport if their car is involved in an accident and is off the road. You will NOT visit them in hospital or in jail if the accident happens.
You WILL assist in getting them into a better situation. That’s it.
Write it down, and give a written copy to the adult children and their spouses. They need to know that they must have a plan, and it cannot include you. It might make them think seriously about their own level of commitment when a crisis inevitably happens.
Love this !!! I wish I read this 17 years ago before it all started for me saying “ Yes” for over a decade .
Until they can't.
Maybe a small scare will get them to make small changes... (add home care help) or a medium health event will start the process (eg a fall but without serious injury).
Sometimes it takes a crises to force change. (A fractured hip does this very quickly).
I hope things work out well for your situation.
I would make an anonymous report to DMV in their state.
Did you know your spouse was such a wimp when you married?
What kind of adult can't have a hard conversation with their parents?
But how about the family down the road? That they run into on a bright Saturday morning when they try to pass them, misjudge the distance, run the family's car off the road and one or five people die? Little children. The dad, whose work supports them. The mom who is expecting a baby in three months.
Then everyone gets all upset. "It didn't have to happen!" "They were the most loved family in our neighborhood." "Little Justin - he recently celebrated his third birthday and now he'll never see his new little sister!" (They've already named her Lilah Rose.) Oh, so sad. Oh, so awful.
Oh, so preventable. But no one wanted to make an 87- and 90-year-old angry. And the 90-year-old is now charged with vehicular homicide. The judge won't care whether he makes Pops mad. At all.
Deal with the driving issue, OP.
The difficult thing is if they have not been declared incompetent they can chose to live how they want to live.
If no one is POA then they make decisions for each other when that time comes.
Often families have to wait for some catastrophic event that forces some change or some decision as to what steps are next.
You could start a conversation with them in this manner. (and actually it is your husband that should have this conversation)
"Mom, Dad I know you do not want to move or make any changes but I need to know what decisions you want me to make if something should happen. I want to abide by your wishes as much as I can while making sure you are both safe."
"Dad, if you fall and need rehab you know I can not take time away from home to take care of mom so what plans do we need to make, and Mom, the same question for you."
The other thing that everyone in the family should be doing is back off any help that you/they are providing. If a family member runs to help out when they call by dropping everything to help out is giving them a false sense of independence.
If siblings want to help take turns and one go one week the other go the next and so on.
Reporting to APS as "vulnerable seniors" might be an eye opener for them but if they are getting along, they are safe in their home there is not much that can be done if they are articulate in expressing their desire to remain where they are and are safe.
At this age, eventually something will happen that will represent crisis. You know that. So be ready at that point to step in. One of them will fall, fail, be hospitalized, be in an accident and this is inevitable. At that time you can request social services crisis discharge intervention if needed.
UNTIL that unhappy day, there is little you can do other than a family intervention in which you make clear that their current status is dangerous. There should be a phone tree for family to reach one another. There should be a family member who checks by phone in a.m. and p.m.
There is little you can do when you are met with stubborn resistance. Unless a person is incompetent no court in the land will intervene to give anyone their power of choice. I am so sorry. I know this is a worry. You are not alone in being out there "waiting for the call".
If you are certain they are dangerous drivers, you may be able to anonymously report them to their state's DMV online. That's what I did for my Aunt in FL. I provided a lot of examples and gave their driver's license numbers, etc. Then that DMV sent them a letter telling them to come in for an eye exam. No one took my Aunt to that appointment and her license expired. "Someone" will need to think through them getting their needs met if they no longer drive.
If they don't have PoAs then no one has any power to make them do anything and will need to wait for a crisis for them to go the ER and/or the county to acquire guardianship and then they will take over their decisions and management of their affairs and assets.
The family can go after guardianship but it's 2 people and can be very expensive.
If they're uncooperative it will be very messy and stressful. I wish you success in figuring out solutions for them.
The driving issue is probably the only thing I would keep stressing to the family as a problem that needs more immediate attention. Someone should evaluate if they are ok to drive and that doesn't mean they pass the driving test. (My dad was 95, blind and deaf and got his license renewed for 10 years!) Once they aren't safe to drive that becomes the problem where they can hurt others, not just themselves. And it is one of the hardest to solve when they live in a rural area. But, if they can still see during daylight hours, and have sufficient control of the car, they may be well able to drive for a few years yet. My dad drove, although poorly, until he was about 95. He only drove about 1 mile to the grocery store, daylight and good weather only, and on very slow and controlled neighborhood streets. After that I drove him everywhere. It wasn't a good solution for me, but it was the only solution.
Right now you need to concentrate on making certain all the paperwork - Power of Attorney, Medical Power of Attorney, and medical directives - are all in place. If that is left until dementia starts things are much more difficult. I got my parents to get all that done because my husband and I were doing it ourselves and we just brought them along on our visit to the attorney. Since WE were the ones who needed it for our family, they went along with it.
Oh, and my dad lived alone in a three story house with the bathroom on the 2nd floor until he was 97! Old people sometimes just make it work when we can't imagine that it's possible.
The social worker did come to my mom’s house to speak with her and it was quite obvious she had dementia and was not safe at home alone . The social worker assisted placing my mother in an assisted living facility that I had chosen ( mom has refused touring any ).
If no one has POA it will be more difficult . Good Luck .