My husband had a hemorraghic stroke 9 yrs ago.. He was very mobile at first but now has become completely deaf (he got a cochlear implant) but his balance is terrible. Stumbles and falls frequently and will only use a cane. He has several conditions with his eyes...some days he sees well others not so much. He is starting to have some short term memory moments. He also has kidney disease as a result of his kidneys shutting down immediately after his stroke.
We recently had a family get together. We brought our boat on a trailer behind our truck to the lake. I spoke with my husband before we went about maybe letting me drive since it tires him out so much and he agreed with no arguments. So the day we were about to head home I made the comment to my daughter that I hoped he would be ok with me driving home... My husband and I had not discussed it. But our 22-yr-old grandson heard me and screamed and me That I should let him drive his own damn freaking truck. I told him he had no idea what he was talking about & then his Mother (our daughter) jumped in the mix... I told them they don't live with us & really don't have a clue how we mange his care.
My husband and I have gotten into a good place about his driving... He usually asks me to drive when we go anywhere together. And he drives short distances to Walmart, Lowes, grocery, dry cleaners which are all within 1.5 miles of our house.
Apparently they have decided that I am the mean old woman and have forbidden him to drive... which I have never said or done... He has restricted his own driving, which was a huge blessing that I didn't have to bring up that topic. Which makes me know that he realizes his limitations and we have settled into a rhythm on the driving... for now. And now the whole blow up is my fault... Very disheartening when you are doing your very best and every waking moment is making sure all our ducks are in a row and to have someone lash out this way...
Thanks for letting me vent and any suggestions will be welcome. Thanks so much.
My younger daughter and I fell out over something more major than this, but once things go bad, it’s really difficult to get back to happy tolerance. You are probably overtired and fairly sensitive yourself – you expected support, not criticism. Try and put it behind you. Don’t dwell on it, just pretend nothing happened. My problems with my daughter have now gone on for years, and have been much worse than the original problems. Don’t let it happen to you. Please!
Is it possible that both you daughter and grandson were shocked by the decline in your husband, since they hadn't seen him in a while?
It sounds like you've cleared the air with your grandson; I hope your get-together goes well.
You say your daughter has called folks to "get her story out there".
What do you know about what she's told people? Are folks calling you with upsetting versions of what she says happened?
What is your husband's current diagnosis? Has never be diagnosed with or evaluated for Vascular Dementia, which is pretty common after a stroke?
Maybe the time has come to share more about what's going on with your family, especially whoever you've assigned as Power of Attorney.
As far as her calling her sister and her own children, .she also called & talked to my husband a few days ago when I was at grocery store...and he was so twisted by what she told him and what I had told him. She told him she talked to her sister, our youngest daughter. I shouldnt assume what she told them but I know some of the things she told my husband. A I have gotten from him is she said she wasnt raising her voice and I was...He said she admitted her voice was forceful and strong. .My point was she should have never jumped into the situation....grandson is 22yrs old not 12. If she had left us alone I think it would have been over immediately... She is a good girl but tends to be in the middle of everything.
He has not been diagnosed with Vascular Dimentia...He doesnt want to believe he has any issues....but I can tell he is slowly coming to grips with it..But he will not go to a neurologist and get any tests. Its a fragile subject and I am appoaching it with care...I dont want to just tell him his memory is slipping...especially after this thing with our oldest daughter. I am hoping with a little time he will see the need..if not I will have a chat with our doctor.
Good suggestion about the POA...I will do that. Thanks so much for caring enough to write to me.
Anyway, in an ideal world, (and this is something both my daughter and I are working on) we are trying to think of the other's feelings, count to ten, and then try to keep the conversation short and hopefully kind. Or like the old saying goes, if you don't have anything nice to say...anyway, we are working on that.
So, reading your post you can tell how hurt you are. I wonder, though, if your grandson and daughter are just terribly worried about their dad's health, and it is easier to blame you for his problems rather than face the fact that he is truly in bad shape, and they just can't handle their own fear of what might happen to Dad. It seems like kids will blame mom for a lot of things, even though we have spent our lives taking care of THEM, while dad is often the friendly one.
Well, guess I am rambling. Try to let it go. Take a break and take care of yourself. You know your daughter loves you. It is frightening watching your parents grow old!
You stated that he "only" drives up to 2 miles from home. Please read the results of this research. "Back in 2001, Progressive insurance conducted research with over 11,000 people & found that over 52% of reported crashes occurred within five miles from home and 77% of accidents occurred within a 15-mile distance. Two decades later, the latest accident statistics from the NHTSA paints a pretty similar picture."
How you get him to stop is something I have no ideas on. My husband failed the written test several times and when the doctor told him the above, he quit and wanted the grandson to have the truck. I had it off the property within 2 hours.
However my original question was about my daughters response to me, thinking that I wont let him drive. Thats what was consuming me for the moment. Thanks so much.
As for your family, based on what you said in other notes, it seems that some sanity has returned, I do think it would be good for you to sit down with your daughter [and any other children] to talk about your husband's health. It would be helpful for them to pitch in and help you both out. My guess is that you and your husband are stressed out and can use some help.
BEcause my daughter has called every member of the family to tell her side...it is so upsetting. I am trying to let it go.....but right now I would just like to get in my car and drive away with my little dog....I want to run. Thanks for your kind words.
I'm impressed that your husband is willing to admit that he has some limitations and is not arguing about continuing to drive everywhere. So many others don't and keep up the asinine 'stubbornness' and expect their families to support it even when it becomes a threat to their safety and everyone else's. So credit to your husband for that.
You spoke from the heart. Could you send your post to those relatives?
I use to get disappointed that people didn't get it, but how could anyone unless they're neck deep in this quicksand. It's not almost impossible, it is absolutely impossible.
I have the impression that because your 22 grandson went from zero to 80 miles an hour, (first of all, how dare he) and then your daughter ganged up rather than redress the little turd, there is more than meets your narrative here.
Disrespect is a big issue in your family and has been permitted for a long, long time. Who allowed this? Who has door-mat printed on their forehead. Who has told others that they can feed you even an atom of this kind of behavior? That should've been nipped in the bud way back even before any child could speak, even before speech when they showed disrespectful body language. Nip, nip, nip.
I learned recently that in Japanese educational system the first 3 years of school is not to judge the child's knowledge, or learning, but to establish good manners and to develop their character.
You seem like a kind, thoughtful, and gentle person. You may need to toughen up a little. You are due an apology. They seem like stinkers. I'd keep my mouth shut until they do apologize. What have you got to lose or miss out on, more disrespect?
If you must, talk about only pleasant superficial things. If they hit you with anymore garbage you can only blame yourself for putting yourself in harms way.
You ask - What do you say to a family member who doesn't agree with your care of our loved one?
I'd tell 'em that they could "p**p" in their hat. The person with the knowledge, the responsibility, the worry, the work, the expense, the time, the sleepless nights, is the only, only person who has the right and the say. Stop asking permission. Stop talking about important stuff to people who give you absolutely, positively no support. You are a power house. More and more you are becoming the sole captain of you and your husband's ship. Increasingly, as you know, your man will be depending on your strength. Get your mind right on this matter. You are the chief.
I hated that role reversal. I'm old fashioned. I was old fashioned. Now I'm a look dead in your eye, bull headed (when needs be), head held up higher, don't even try to use words with the letter "B" or "S" anywhere in it let alone BS me, kind of force. He depends on me to protect the realm.
My peace of mind, my health, my not-feeling-like-a-wounded-helpless-peeper, again, my peace, and my control, my not giving a flip is terribly important.
From your mouth to God's ears and I couldn't agree more. You're spot on about nipping certain behavior in the bud. This applies to children, adults, and elders.
I always say no one has to live in or tolerate abuse. The OP's grandson and daughter were behaving abusively.
If only every senior did like him. How simple and easy it would be for families to get them the help they need. How much safer our roads and highways be if everyone was like the OP's husband.
God bless them both.
Grandson means well, but clearly has no real understanding of the situation. Young people, (esp men) think they and everyone else are indestructible. He just sees his gramps being treated like an invalid and doesn’t want to accept the situation.
If daughter and grandson persist, invite them to come to the Drs with you guys. It’s very easy to “armchair quarterback”. If they won’t/can’t have the Dr put it in writing and show it to them. See if you can get a conference call with the Dr his assistant or nurse.
Mind you, all of this is none of their business and you’d only be doing it to try and get them to understand in order to lay off you.
Remain calm and speak using a soft voice with a steady volume. Do not increase your volume or move closer to them during their tirade. Repeat an appropriate mantra.
Talk in a gentle tone (like Obi Wan Kenobi in Star Wars when he says, “these are not the droids you’re looking for.” If you haven’t seen that movie look up a video clip of that line in You Tube.”).
Keep your gestures and tone rather robotic. Restrain from any aggressive or defensive response regardless of their behavior.
One mantra could be
“Your grandfather and I decide together who drives.”
(Say it 5 times, just like that, back-to-back, while they are screaming, if you need)
Another mantra
“We are working together with a competent medical team. Thank you for your concern.”
These actions will disarm them and they will appear ridiculous.
They are in denial and don’t understand caregiving. With help from people like that, you need an extra vacation! Keep up the good work!