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My mom lives in a detached studio apartment in my backyard. She moved in to this apartment after my dad passed away from cancer in 2008. I've been overseeing her care for almost 20 years. Now my mother has dementia that has been progressing for the last 3 to 4 years. It has become more and more challenging for me. I have a family, work part-time and have a life too, just as my siblings do. I've reached out for years now about how lonely mom is and needs periodic visits from her other 3 kids and they just don't seem to do it. Phone calls are not enough! They make suggestions about next steps but then assume I'll take care of everything as always. I'm now feeling bitter and resentful and daily stress. At my wits end!

Nothing.

You can only change you.

You cannot change your siblings.

Look into adult day care for Mom in your area.
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Reply to brandee
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Is there a reason why you won't consider transitioning her to a good facility? She would get so much more socialization and oversight, and you'd get your life back.

My 97-yr old Mom lives next door to me. She never in her life made much effort to have friends other than family. I had to decide a long time ago that I wasn't going to be her entertainment committee. We live in MN. If she had moved into and AL in FL like she threatened to many years ago, I'd not be aware of her "loneliness" and boredom. When she was more physically able, she'd walk over to my house and park herself because she had nothing better to do, except we worked from home and because she saw us staring into computers she couldn't imagine we were working.

Another option is to hire a companion aid to take her places and be with her during the day, or sign her up for Adult Day Care. Solitude doesn't help her dementia but it's not your job to fill all those hours. Remember that if your Mom has memory impairment, "visits" don't stay in her mind for long -- no matter who it's with.
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Reply to Geaton777
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You have been doing this for over 15 years. Your siblings have been very used to the situation, with very little required from them. You need to change things radically for them to understand that it has all changed. In reality, them visiting a little bit more is not going to make enough difference to this new situation.

My suggestion would be that you write (email with a record) to all of them saying that the situation is not longer working, and that M will soon need to go into care, with payment from her own funds. It’s true, later if not sooner. Tell them how much it will cost her, and that Medicaid is the longer term option. If payment will come (at least initially) from her assets, let them know that whatever her will says, they will likely receive nothing. If they are not prepared to do more to help, you will need to start arranging a facility.

It is possible that this will make them change their approach to visiting. If it doesn’t, it’s the truth when you are no longer willing to do all the work.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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I sure hope you have POA for financial & medical decisions
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Reply to Jada824
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Leave your siblings alone. They’ve shown you for a long while that they aren’t willing to help, so believe them. Truth is we can’t make others do what we want or think is right. Of course they should visit and help, but they won’t, so time for a new plan. Do you believe mom is safe in the apartment? With advancing dementia she could accidentally start a fire, wander away, let in a stranger, become a victim to any sort of scammer, the list is endless. You cannot watch her all the time, even cameras miss things. The choice now is to hire helpers with mom’s money or to move mom to where help is available. Your stress and resentment is boiling over because you’re burning out on the current situation. It’s quite understandable, you’ve been at it a long time and the needs are increasing. Decide what’s best not only for mom, but for you as well. Forgive the siblings, that’s for you, not them, it allows you to move forward in peace. I wish you well in finding a new path forward
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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From their point of view, why should they? You're handling everything so beautifully. Mom probably isn't great company now. They have things they'd rather do or must do. Never mind all the family love and devotion you thought was there; it isn't.

What if you just STOPPED? Quit? Say you have other plans for the apartment, and mom's care is too difficult for you to handle. She needs professionals to take care of her. Of course, if a sibling wants to take her, that might work. But do realize that at some point it becomes necessary for dementia patients to go to a facility where the professional caregivers take over. They know what to do, and they know how to do it. They're paid (with mom's money) to be cheerful and to keep her happy. There's always someone around to socialize with; it's impossible to be lonely.

Just because you allowed mom to move in after your dad died, it doesn't mean you signed on for hard duty until the day she dies. You need help, she needs help. Siblings are not going to help, and they've proven that. So - onward! Be bold, be firm, and say NO MORE! You can do it.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Detached studio ADU in your backyard... I am sure when she was in her 60's and 70', she was more or less independent? Able to drive? Social?
Now dementia is in the picture, her needs have changed, and so it begins...
she's on the "8th" floor and dementia has entered the room...
Talk with siblings and rotate mom on the weekends... each sibling takes mom for a full weekend once a month, since they cannot go to you.. they'll say it'll be too much for mom..so, invite them to stay with you and watch mom there...
look on this forum for all things to consider for our fragile LOs..
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Reply to MAYDAY
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Everyone seems to vanish when dementia enters the picture. Family, former friends, children, grandchildren, literally everyone. My mother lived in Memory Care for 3 years and nobody went to visit her except me, her only child. I'd ask my kids and her nieces and friends, and I think she had a handful of visits from all of them combined in all that time. I didn't give up my relationships with those people because of their indifference though. It bothered me and it hurt my feelings and moms too, but their behavior is none of my business. Take that attitude with your siblings, if possible, and place mom if it all becomes too much for you. There is still a LOT to do for her in Memory Care, but at least you won't be at her beck and call 24/7.

I'm sorry you're siblings have zero empathy for you or your mom. It's really too bad people just don't give a flying fig anymore.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Tell them to &#@k off - when they offer suggestions without doing any of the work. What next steps are they suggesting? A care home? That is a very good suggestion. Ask your siblings to tour a few facilities and help to choose a good location and work with admissions to get mom moved.

Other than that, you can not make anyone do anything. It is their choice not to visit mom and there is nothing you can say to change that. It seems you have chosen to oversee her care needs, and now that it is becoming more challenging, you don't know how to step back from this role. You can hire in-home care providers - with mom's money, or ask all siblings to chip in toward the cost, if they will.
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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You can't control what they do, so stop trying. Yes, it's frustrating, but unfortunately you can't change them. So evaluate the situation realistically regarding how it affects you. If you need to hire extra care for your mother to come into her apartment, or move her to an appropriate senior care placement, go ahead and do it (at her expense), regardless of what they say or think about it.
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Reply to MG8522
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