My MIL has been living with us now for nearly 4 years. She has a history of pretending to be sick to get attention and has gone as far as telling doctors that she has symptoms of various illnesses, heart, stomach, etc. only to have tests run and everything is fine. She has had legit issues with her heart and stomach but they were taken care of with no further issues. Ex. Pacemaker and surgery for a bleed out in her colon. She has made excuses for herself for not being able to do simple everyday self help areas. When she came to live with us she expected me to bathe her and she could actually do this herself.
Recently, she has gone as far as talking to people who are not there and having conversations with them. My husband had asked the doctor for an MIR of her brain. Results came back fine, no significant findings indicating Alzheimer’s or severe dementia, she can be very manipulative to get her own way. Her behavior is toxic and has brought a lot of frustration in caring for her, my husband has lost it several times with her but she is not moved by his words. Her actions speak loudly to me that “I don’t care”
we definitely have burnout, she has been like this for years even before coming to live with us. My poor father in law was exhausted when he died trying to take care of her, he was sick and she still felt she was sicker than him. He would often tell her, you are no sicker than me…. She just sat
After observing her for these past 4 years up and close, her behavior is not normal. I always thought there was a screw loose somewhere. Who pretends to be sick for attention and lies all the time? I told my husband she’s the great pretender!
I’ve often told my husband she’s been seeing the wrong doctors all these years, she needs a psychiatrist or psychologist and the longer she’s here I’m going to need one of these myself.
My 91 year old momma who lives with my sister has been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and doesn’t act like this.
Im at my ropes end, any suggestions?I know many of you might say skilled nursing home but she does not have the money for that nor does she qualify for Medicaid.
My FIL had all kinds of health problems. No house. He fell, went into rehab, short story was there was some money, but not a lot. The rehab also had a SNF, he stayed on there as private pay until the money ran out (around two years), then they helped to convert him to Medicaid.
My advice is — stop focusing on her various aggravating behaviors, and focus on getting her out of your home. You are not going to stamp out the aggravating behaviors. Maybe you could reduce one or two of them. But my bet is it would just take another form.
Good luck!
Check out Assisted Living (if she can afford it), a group home, a senior living ‘village’, etc etc. Once you find somewhere, get her out of your house (4 weeks notice) and into the alternative option.
I'm so sorry you and your husband brought her into your home! That should never have happened!
You've already shut down the idea of skilled nursing because she can't afford it and doesn't qualify for Medicaid. Has she applied for Medicaid? How do you know? Medicaid can pay the gap between her income and the cost of a stay in skilled nursing. The thing is, she may not have a medical condition to qualify.
If she really has nothing wrong with her, you and your husband can put your foot down, re-claim ownership of your own home and your own lives, and tell her she needs to go. You could help her to find an independent senior living apartment.
She will not go easily, especially now that she's already established herself in your home and in your lives and you've been giving in to her for 4 years!
You're in a sticky situation. You could try spending more time away - with your 91 yr old momma and sister. Or simply STOP doing things for your MIL. Refuse.
Let your husband deal with it - and he should refuse as well, but you have no control over that.
As someone who has been told I'm "faking it" by doctors, or that I'm just anxious, or that I was a "bored, depressed housewife" -- and who later (decades, in some cases) found out I actually do have something wrong with my body, not my mind, I am super wary of ever labeling someone as a hypochondriac or as someone who "fakes it" to get attention. Your MIL may be sick and no one recognizes it or understands it, which can definitely make one cranky, frustrated and do what they can to get help, even if it's "manipulating" because no one believes you.
And even if she is faking it "for attention" -- that should tell you there's something going on with mental health, loneliness, never being heard, needing to do what you can to get your needs met. People resort to drastic measures when they feel unseen and unheard and are not getting their emotional needs met.
Are there genuinely narcissistic people in the world who just want to be everyone's focus and get their own way? Absolutely. Are there people who manipulate and control because that's how they learned to get their needs met? You bet. Your MIL may be either one of those kinds of people.
Or she may be truly ill, truly in need of help some days, and none of her doctors have a clue about rare and chronic illnesses.
It's certainly exhausting to deal with someone like that, and I'm not invalidating your own experience of having to put up with it. But it sounds like she may have some things that need to be addressed, whether physically or mentally. She probably wouldn't go see a therapist, but it might help you and your husband to go to family therapy without her to work out how to deal with her.
In any event, this situation is not working for any of the people involved. Medicaid LTC is different than just Medicaid, and it is a program for people who need long term care and don't have the resources. Just because she makes more than the level for Medicaid (health insurance) doesn't mean she is automatically unable to have long term care (LTC). They need to talk to a professional. It's time to move her out of there.
How does she tolerate medical tests? Some people love to have the attention of a doctor/nurse/etc. Next time she fakes being sick have a conversation about her behavior with the doctor and see if they will recommend some truly invasive tests to find her illness, the more expensive and painful the better and have the doctor really pitch the pain levels to your MIL. If the Doctor calls her bluff, odds are she will balk at these tests and drop the fake illness.
You need to have a conversation with your husband about reacting to her. She wants him to react to her. The calmer your husband remains the better. If he takes her to the Doctor he needs to be flat and passive on the trip to the office, during the visit and after. She wants him to be reactive so she will get attention. The more passive and flat he is when she acts like this the better. He needs to learn to grey rock her so that she can not manipulate his emotions.
Next time she starts talking to people that aren't there, just let her. Carry about as normal and when she stops and talks to you or your husband tell her something like this.
"I can never tell if you are talking to the imaginary people or me or my husband if you want to ask me a question, say my name first so I know you are talking to me"
If she could afford a small family run board and care home , they usually run cheaper than assisted livings. She’d get her meals made for her , housekeeping , activities etc .
Did she not sell a home when she moved in with you ? If so does she have any of that money left , or any savings to use ?
Another option is adult day care , give you a break from her.
Also you getting out of the house at times is in order , meet a friend for lunch , a yoga class , volunteer , book club , anything you would like to do . You did not say if you work outside the home. Go on a vacation too .
If you husband doesn't get the message or refuses to accept it, go on a vacation without him for at least a week, maybe two. Leave him to deal 100% with her demands and expectations, without you. If you're working or have other obligations there, stay at a hotel or inexpensive Airbnb locally, but don't tell them where you are.
I have a friend whose hobby seems to be going to medical appointments. She does have a lot of issues which she is not making up, but I think some could be resolved through the patient portal or a video call, but she loves her doctors and their staffs and it seems to be kind of a social thing for her.
Your FIL did you no favor is babying MIL. This is now ingrained in her. If your Mom is 91 I will assume MIL is close in age. You just set your boundaries. She will push them but stand firm. You will not be doing for her what your FIL did. She needs to do for herself. Remind her, you too are a Senior. Call her bluff, tell her if she does not do for herself, you will have her evaluated for care in a Nursing Home.
I would follow up with that evaluation, at least. Talk to her doctor about getting Physical therapy in to determine what she can do for herself. Then you have a baseline and you know where her strengths and weaknesses are.
Not sure what state you are in (because rules and laws can vary) but maybe start an eviction process (since your home is legally her home). The goal would be to get her into Section 8 housing, which has sliding scale rent. Or, you call to discuss the situation with social services. Is your husband her PoA? If not, does she even have one? If you can legally get her out of your house, then APS can become involved if she flounders. Then she may be in line for a court-assigned 3rd party legal guardian and they will solve this problem for you.
Of course nothing will happen if your husband isn't on board with any changes. You 2 need to consult with an elder law attorney for the best guidance that can be enacted in your home state.