My Mom is 93. She cannot walk, requires full care for everything, including eating, and has very deep dementia. She lives with me and we have an AID during the day. Mother has never been happy since my Dad died in 2000. Her health started to decline after a fall resulted in a brain bleed in 2005. She never walked again and it triggered dementia, which has become very hard for her. She requires 24 hour care. I have an AID during the day and my husband and I are with her the rest of the time. We have no help from family, they have no interest, and have wanted her in a nursing home for years. She has lived in a constant stage of agitation for the last year or so, despite many different attempts with medication. 3 weeks ago we rushed her to the hospital and they found pneumonia. Instant IV antibiotics for 7 days worked. She did lose 35 pounds though and is very weak, however they also found a large mass in her lung. The doctors do not want to do further testing unless we request it. They have given me the bad news and told me she should be in hospice. Right now they have transferred her to a nursing home for 30 days to get stronger. She has been there for 4 days and I already see an improvement. She is going for physical therapy, and I see her getting stronger although she is still very tired and weak. The staff is just lovely and the facility is immaculate and has a kind energy about it. I love the fact that someone is awake 24 hrs if she needs them. My family feels that the nursing home is the right place for her, and for the first time I am seeing how fragile and frail she is. The dementia is so bad. I just don't know, my husband and I will bring her home to live out her life, but I am afraid that as her health declines we may not really know what we are doing. There is a part of me that feels that bringing her home would be the right thing to do, and there is a part of me that is beginning to think that I am being selfish to do so, when she could benefit from constant care. The nursing home is within walking distance from my home, and allows 24 hour visiting. I am there in the morning and again at night. I would really appreciate your objective advice. My husband has been so wonderful about caring for my Mom, giving up any travelling, vacations, etc. He is better with her than me!
When my father was in the last stages of prostate cancer, a NH was the best place for him to be. I wanted to keep him home, but as his condition I found myself trying to do what I can't. The staff at the NH loved him, for despite the cancer ravaging his body he had a joie de vivre I couldn't understand until he explained it to me. "When you live life to the fullest," he said, "you don't have to worry about the shortness of life or death itself. ... Try living each day as if it were your last, and you'll understand what I'm talking about."
30 days later, the NH called and informed me Dad was "ready to go home." Translation: there was nothing else they could do, his life had run its course, and he wanted to die in the company of his loved ones. I took him to my apartment in the Bronx and noticed his fingernails had turned purple as I washed him in the tub. He looked into my eyes, smiled softly, said "Thank you," and passed away in my arms while I caressed the few strands of hair in his head.
Two days later my sons and I flew his body to Manaus, Brazil. Once there, arrangements were quickly made not to mourn him as most people do, but to celebrate his life. My sons are so much like him, and sometimes I feel he's watching over me. His body's gone, but his spirit still guides me and protects me. I feel honored to be his son.
I would also like to bring Dad home, but i know it is in his best interest to be there. You have to seperate yourself, which is very
hard, and ask, "what is best for Mom?"
Can you give her the care she is getting at the facility? you are with her AM & PM , use that time to just "be with her" not to
take care of her, can you do that with her at home? Make this
time to be the best you can, savor the moments of relaxing with her, not spending your time taking care of her.
I hope this helps and God bless you and your Mom.
No one can be alert 24 hours a day--I go see her every other day, she forgets that I was even there minutes after I leave.
It's a very lonely,sad road to travel, but she does get better care there then I could give her.
We were always best friends and it is heartbreaking to see her this way but, it has to be.
Keep your Mom there--Good luck.
Do not second guess yourself, as I tell myself the same thing. Do whats right for your mom, not your conscience. Leave your mom with the professionals who are trained to do what we are not.
You're just a hop, skip, and a jump away. Leave her there.
How beautiful that was and how beautiful that your dad got to tell you Thanks, and how beautifully he passed onto the next episode. How blessed you are and always will be, and it is your sons who are lucky too.
I know I got off topic, just wanted to say thanks.
I wake up in the middle of the night worrying about my decisions. No one ever teaches you how to help some one transition into the next life.
My advice to you is: try out the NH...sounds like a nice place, it is close to you, and it does not have to be a permanent situation if you should change your mind. Also, when that time comes, your mother may be able to return to your home with the help of respite workers.