Just moved my husband to a memory care facility a week ago. On the 3rd day, I was told that a female resident became infatuated with my husband and she always wants him next to her and even tried to get him to sleep in her room. While I was at the facility visiting my husband this female resident was hovering and following us wherever my husband and I went. She was doing hand gestures telling my husband to come to her. The staff were trying to get her to stay away but she kept coming back she really wanted my husband to go and sit with her. What is the facility's responsibility in this situation? I'm afraid that she would ask my husband to have sex with her. She is quite aggressive. What do I need to do? I don't want my husband be taken advantage of by this aggressive female resident.
He will probably positively respond in accepting more showers and more grooming. He will probably be a favorite to sit next to in Bingo. Hands will likely be held, and furtive kisses exchanged. He may think he’s going steady.
ive thought about what I’d do if h was ever in this situation, and it would be what Justice Sandra Day O Connor did.
She quit the actual Supreme Court to care for her h with alz. First at home, and then a facility became necessary. One day she walks in, and there’s her hubs holding another woman’s hand. She just picked up the other one and introduced herself to hubs new friend. After all, she thought, it was best that he have friends, even if that looked like going steady.
The lady gave up a lifetime SCOTUS appointment to make her hubs happy…for this. It was an exceedingly generous act.
Years passed, and she herself was diagnosed with a dementia, now residing in a facility. If she wants to hold some guys hand, I’d hope the wife would allow that. We have to keep our elders free of rape charges, for sure, but sometimes interaction helps them have some happiness in the dwindling apature of their lives.
I dont mind anything else, but i cant allow him be taken advantage of by this female resident and i just cant even think about allowing my husband having sex with other woman, alzheimers or not
Staff do have to manage this. I am glad you are speaking to Management.
If both parties are interested, close bonds can be made. However, staff do have to separate others, especially to protect against unwanted attention. People can be managed to be sat apart at meals, attend different activities, sit in different sitting rooms. It is challenging but can be done.
She even had the facial expressions down pat.
You want it on the record that the lady is aggressively seeking out your hubs (mention with sexually suggestive gestures if that is happening) and that redirecting her did not solve the problem when it was done in your presence. Here’s why, should something happen, eg they are found “in flagrante delicto”, and both families are made aware and her family objects to their mom being sexual or refuses to accept that she is sexual, they are going to blame someone. Consent when there is cognitive issues is a grey area. And if her family want to blame someone it’s going to be your hubs; and your husband can be written up or even charged with sexual assault. Him not her. Should anything like that be in his chart he will be toast on getting into another facility. You want to be in front of this ever happening and that what the letter to the DON does.
Yes I know not only are you dealing with having to see the changes in him and being overwhelmed and now this to deal with, but please please get in front of this cause if it goes beyond bad, the likelihood is he’s going to be blamed not her.
And when you have his care plan meeting (tends to be around 4-6 weeks after entry and if any of his care is covered by Medicare billing, a care plan meeting is required and done regularly) your bring this up and bring a copy of the letter to the DON as you are going to attach it to his file. At the end of the care plan meeting you will be asked to sign off on a page that states that it was held, care reviewed and your all ok with his care and asked to sign a document. Above the signature line there is a space ( maybe 3 blank lines) for you to write in your concerns. You can bring in a copy of the DON letter, mention in the comment space as per attached letter to DON regarding sexual expression issues on 4.4.2022 and then ask letter to be attached. Or if you’re a take no prisoner personality, you take out your mini stapler and attach it yourself. It’s a solid proactive CYA for hubs.
My GFs mother walked into her husband kissing another women. She was very aware that this happens but it still upset her. My daughter had a couple that thought they were married. They both had spouses that visited. Daughter said if you tried to separate them they got very upset.
I would request that they don't incourage this woman. Redirect her when she gets too near your husband. Maybe its because he is new. Another guy comes in and her attention will revert to him. You really can do nothing when ur not there. When ur there, though, you have a right to a time with you husband without interference. Have you looked this lady in the eyes and tell her "he's my husband". Not that it will work but it might. If this woman upsets him, then definitely the staff needs to redirect her.
My Mom didn't like men after her Dementia. Not even a male nurse so I request only female nurses were to see to her.
But seriously most men in this situation will find themselves outnumbered 10 to 1 by females who want to, basically go steady.
Prior to removing your husband did you speak with administration?
What did they tell you?
BUT
This is common.
We ALL have a need for intimacy. That can mean just touching, holding hands, hugging not necessarily sex.
The facility can try to keep her away while you are visiting but they will probably do nothing if you are not there.
If this truly bothers you you can ask to have him moved to another area of the building if the facility is large enough or transfer him to another. But most likely it will happen again.
If he is indicating that it is a problem, if he moves away, is fearful then the facility can do something. But if he does not seem to be upset they will probably do nothing