As I have posted before, FIL has lived with us for two (seems like 20) years now.
I am am so sick of having him here.... he is not mean... just here. He can’t drive or do much of anything for himself. My husband and I are NEVER alone... Mr. Picky does not like respite care....
So, we do not entertain like we used to, but now I don’t even want to get together with friends.... I,don’t even want to have to talk. It is Saturday, and life long friends have invited us to wonderful evening of food, music, in their newly created backyard paradise.... the issue..... I am sitting here wishing for a downpour because I just don’t want to go. I wish I had not responded yes on the rsvp. Why can’t I just pull out of this mood/depression? The mere site of him makes my blood boil. I wonder if I will ever be in a good mood while we are stuck with him here?
Any ideas???? Anyone know a good “rain”dance?
So I agree with some other suggestions people have given.
Getting out of the house, whether it be a job, volunteering, or just being with friends (and NOT discussing FIL AT ALL!), the more the better. I will guess maybe you are both retired? If you give hubby a good taste of caring for him all by himself all day every day, perhaps he will see the light!
Counseling can help, even if it just allows you to vent (you can do that here as well, and get feedback so that you know you are not alone!) As someone else said, medication might help you some, but it is NOT going to get FIL out of the picture! One could only dream of a pill that would take care of all life's displeasures!!!
Another suggestion I saw was going the respite route again, despite FIL not liking it. It is not his decision. I'm not sure exactly what FIL's needs are, you do not specify in profile what his condition is. If not dementia and he can be left alone, leave a loaf of bread, plate, knife and some PBJ! No need to prepare meals, but if hubby wants to do that, so be it. Refuse to help out there. I would suggest an extended (at least a week, perhaps 2) respite, where you either take a vacation with hubby, or just stay home alone and reconnect with each other, maybe he will see how nice it is... it would have to be more than a few days, let it soak in!!!
Although hubby thinks a lot of his dad, placing him in AL where he can visit, take him out, etc as often as he wants is still honoring his dad - just without compromising his own health or his marraige!! He can hang with dad as much as he wants, somewhere else...
FIL had a stroke about 10 years ago and has PK. We are still in our 50(s), so very much working working working.... I work from home, and while that is a Blessing, the fact that we are here together all day, even when I have my door closed, drives me NUTS! I have started getting out more in the evenings, and have had to go to battle with my husband over not wanting to sit around here at night....
You have joined the ranks of everyone else who says that respite care should not be HIS choice!!! My gosh, I can't see why husband can't see this! It's not like it is a dump - it is most excellent, I would even considering going there just to get away from him myself.
I am working on booking a vacay that my husband and I desperately need (ALONE), all ALONE! Like you said, bread, knife & PBJ for all I really care. I am sure hubby will not have that, but he can call in-house services to come take care of it. It is stupid and exhausting to have to work so far ahead of all of this just to get away from your own house.
Thank you for listening, caring and giving me your feedback!
Best wishes to you!
That describes how I feel perfectly... My biggest issue is that I have zero respect for FIL, and his prior skirt chasing, all about me, ways. Now, here he sits (and I do feel bad for anyone struck with his health conditions, I really do), but his strain on our relationship seems just beyond him.
I can't wait to get away from him, and sure hope that I will not develop a sour mood when it is time to come back.
Best of luck on your journey!
We had (now departed) MIL stay to recuperate for 10 weeks a while ago, in a completely self-contained end of the house. Although at home she usually stayed in bed until about 9.30am, with us she would get up and join us at 7am as soon as she heard any movement. It drove us nuts, and we both really loved her. I don’t think you can look forward to coping long term in your situation. You have my total sympathy.
Seriously though, you are right, I wonder what the marriage failure rate is because of this type of situation? You know you need a change when you can literally "taste" the disdain for someone....
I am sorry to hear that your MIL did not make a long term recovery, and it sounds like it was pressing for you guys even for a short term arrangement.... I wonder why the dynamics are so very hard??? I think probably a life time of stuff, not just growing incapable of caring for yourself....????
I KNOW exactly what you mean about the 7:00 a.m. - vs- 9:30 a.m. coffee time. I too feel like I am being "stalked" for any sound that we are up. I work from home, so my morning routine is always a dead give-away. How I would love to just have a lazy Sat/Sun morning and not feel like we have to get going because FIL is up and is hungry.... ARGGGGG..... and then there is "bedtime".... he won't budge until hubby suggests it's time for bed and gets his tea so he can take his meds.... Usually 9 on the dot, unless I walk through the family room giving him the death stare....
WHY? who knows, but I sure am thankful for the wonderful feedback and listening! Wishing you the best!
Sorry for my venting.....
Man, I really hate it for you that she is already driving you nuts after such a short period, and will not listen. I don't want to assume, but it sounds like maybe things were not always just peachy before this, and I know situations like this DO NOT promote that!
As for the delay in the response you received (3 weeks) what a crock! I think it is nothing more than knowing she is with family and they are in no hurry.... we can't get any help at the house because he is not poor enough, and not rich enough to hire it all done.... sucks...... So modern day slavery here we are. The smallest thing, like asking me his Blessed B-12 pills the doctor just prescribed are coming in the mail (about the 10th question about when), makes me want to strangle him. He has absolutely nothing else to occupy his time. While childish, it makes me want to get the pills and just run around the yard throwing them everywhere - wow what would the neighbors think? Probably nothing if they have ever been in this situation....
I will gladly accept your virtual hug, and send one back to you. Very best wishes to you!
Enjoy your re-found joy!
* If this is the situation, wouldn't you need to get in agreement/alignment with your husband to decide what to do?
* Does your husband know - to the degree - how you are feeling? Does he support you?
* Often we need a little help (medication, anti-depression/anxiety) to get through a difficult time - do it. It doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. It may not be 'just a mood' as brain chemistry and hormones change.
* Exercise.
* Practice gratitude exercises - they do help.
* Perhaps couples counseling. Sounds like your husband and you need to communicate and hear each other. I don't know how your husband feels or if he even understands how you feel. Sounds like this would be a joint decision where both of you need to be in agreement - if changes are to happen so you have a life - and your home - again. G
i feel really bad for you but i want to thank you for posting. I am so sorry youre in this situation and wish there were a good answer for you.
my daughter feels uncomfortable going to AL facilities with me to check them out for someday and i think hurt because i dont want to live with her.
Your post says it exactly why i dont even want to imagine her having to face this. Ive sent it to her.
Ive sent it to her.
I think your pro-active approach to looking down the road is very commendable. I do not think all situations with combined living = my outline. And if good, solid relationships I am sure it more "doable"... However, if financially possible, etc., I think that connecting with a quality AL facility, and often visiting with your daughter/ family, when/if the time comes, is a great alternative.
I, too, do not want to be a burden to my children in later years. Our situation is compounded by my FIL's stupid life choices, and the resulting fact that I simply do not respect him. Pair those together, and "just like that"... stress.....
Wishing you, and all the best of luck! Thank you again!
Its so important to take care of ourselves. To continue to try to care for ourselves even when we feel our efforts aren’t working. One thing that works wonders for me is taking a walk ( when I’m granted the strength to get out of the door). My walk takes me about forty minutes and I always feel great when I’m done.
Granted, moods can change throughout the day based on the circumstances. However, I know I’ve done something good for myself and that makes me feel better too.
Its too bad he doesn’t like respite care. Honestly, it’s not his choice. You need it, your husband needs it. He will get used to it. We can’t sacrifice ourselves for one person. It’s exhausting.
I pray you find something you can do a few times a week or daily to smile and keep hope.
Your feedback on respite NOT really being his choice, really hits home. I have heard this from family, others on this site, etc., I have vetted one place close by (4) times, and heck, I considered it for myself! It is a wonderful facility with lots to do! FIL stayed there 3 days while we were away visiting my MIL out of town... That was over 1.5 years ago. He told hubby that he would rather just stay home and did not care to go back. What the ______. How selfish..... we can't even get away all that often, but when we can, this means hubby has to prepare all of these "easy" to heat up meals, tea, cookies, (I do the meds), etc. so that he can sit in his d_________ recliner all day and watch tv. This is exactly part of the reason I resent and have no respect for him.
Anyway, enough on that front, I do want to thank you again, and wish you the very best of luck and Prayers for the situation you may be facing.
i wish that I had read your post last year! I felt the exact same way with my MIL who came to live with us, her only son, for a year. She was 95 and unable to live alone anymore.
I used to like her even though she was sassy and opinionated. She was quite intelligent and stylish in her youth. Having her in my home was a different matter. She was either needing attention or watching tv constantly with the volume up. She did not help herself with meals and drinks even though she could. She did not like our respite people or a beautiful assisted living respite home. She thought our home in Vermont was “in the middle of the g-d Woods.” When she became more confused and had bathroom accidents and wakefulness at night, we moved her to assisted living (she did not like that one bit).
Until then, we did set up her own tv space, had her wear headphones for viewing tv, spent time by ourselves in our living room, and went out on a regular basis. We took handles off the stove, and had a security camera in the house. she wore an alarm pendant when we went out. We did include her in a weekly movie, invited her to about 60% of our meals together, occasional rides and outings, family visitors, etc. Despite all of this, she was never happy, did not want to go to a senior center, only wanted to hang out with us all of the time. When I gave gentle cues for bathroom hygiene, she became very anxious. The stay at our home really impacted our relationship negatively.
During that time, I did go to a counselor. It helped me to have perspective and to take care of myself. It helped to put limits on the “invasiveness” of her presence. Luckily, my husband was on the same page. That it important!
I truly wish for you to have private time, peace of mind, and know when enough is enough. For now, respite!!!
We have many things in common with the in-law disposition, etc. Sounds like your MIL was much easier to deal with and take when living separately. MY FIL was a very very active man, and is relatively young at just turning 74, but has been dealing with health issues for a number of years. It is really cruel when someone who has taken such pride in their physical abilities to go down at a young age.
However, it does not give them the license to sit around in their own filth, etc. How I wish we had a separate tv room for him. Although my husband struggles with not making him feel excluded, I would very much like to enjoy our family room, free from him. He absolutely will not shower on a regular basis, wears the same clothes for days and days, and basically stinks. My husband feels too awkward saying anything to him about it, so I guess he would rather hear me fuss about it, than address it.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I have often heard, like with your MIL, that some do not want to go to AL/respite care because they are afraid they will be left (if only).... Truly though, I am not a mean spirited person.... FIL has not done anything to gain my respect over the years with his skirt chasing, self-absorbed ways. Now he is ours to deal with, and all the crap that came with him...
I am glad to hear that counseling helped you, and gave you real guidance on how to take care of yourself. I need to do the same. I have feared that I would be told to up my "tolerance" and understanding level, and know I would just explode! I am trying to get out and exercise more, and have had to really stand my ground with my husband about not pouting and expecting me to be here like everything is normal. No it isn't and I am not going to sit here and pretend our lives have not changed. Also, I have taken pleasure in naming each and every one of my tennis balls in honor of my FIL so I can send them to the moon (and not back)! LOL a little humor goes a long way!
Thank you again for sharing with me, and I wish for much happiness!
1. In order to survive and even thrive while your FIL is living with you, you need to consider what your needs are. This may be alone time, time alone with your husband, time out with girlfriends to recharge your batteries...
2. If at all possible, consider either hiring an aide to come in a few hours each day (if your FIL cannot be left alone)
3) IF your FIL can be left alone, consider asking your church, synogogue, or community senior center if there are any volunteers who could come and visit with your FIL4) While your FIL may object to in-patient respite care, he might do well at a day program where he gets picked up and dropped off each day, or a few days/week. This can also offer respite for you as he won't be in the house 24/7
4) Yes, you and your husband need date nights more than ever to keep your relationship loving and not just about caregiving.
5) Support groups are helpful... I created one that takes place on the phone because all too often caregivers cannot leave the house... If you can leave, and there's a support group near you, it can be helpful to attend so that you don't feel so isolated and alone (which contribute to feeling depressed)
6) It's time to take as good care of yourself as you do of your FIL... as they tell you whenever you fly on an airplane, that should oxygen be required and you're traveling with dependents, place the oxygen mask over YOUR face first... so, this is all about what you're doing or going to do to take in YOUR oxygen...
Wishing you ease going forward, and a reminder to breathe...
He probably feels great, I get to be with family! Wonderful. Not thinking He is like a missile dropped into your life. Now your living with the fallout. My attempt at humor. ~
I wouldn't wait for hubs & fil to thank you. Or take notice all you do, and give up for them.
So you treat yourself right. 😚
I truly appreciate your feedback - and yes, Missile is a great description!
Thanks!
Once your at the party, you might find yourself able to relax and have fun. I've done that. Didn't want to go out. Forced myself, on many occassions. Once there, got in a better mood and had fun.
If friends start asking how is fil, say fine, don't elaborate! Drop subject. Your putting him on a shelf for the moment, and enjoying yourself. Do not elaborate, it will depress you more. Depression is anger turned inward. This is your time. Fil doesnt get to intrude on your thoughts, whilst out with friends. Your compartmentalizing.
Next I'd have a big ol chat with the hubs.... It's prob getting on his nerves too. He probably thinks he can't say it.
Fil doesnt like respite care because it is strangers, different souroundings, strange bed, strange noises, told by strangers when to get up, eat, dress, next activity, etc. And he might not remember when your coming back. Even if told. Scary! We are all creatures of habit. Love our routines, and souroundings.
Unfortunately you gave fil a say in where he will go. Of course he'll say no. Hes got family to wait on him in familiar surroundings. It can't work like that. Not any more.
Compromise and get him, a carer to come to the house. Too bad if he doesn't like it. Too bad husb wont like it. Most people are pleasant to strangers. It's family they have no problem taking their moods out on.
If he balks and says he wants to go with you, casually say sorry not this time. I'd just say your going out. Do NOT elaborate where, or he'll demand to go. He does not need to know your whereabouts. Dont be defensive. Just no thanks, maybe next time. All light and nice. Even though you want to scream. Tell him short and sweet, this is me time. I've made arraingments. Do not ask him if he minds! Do not have a discussion, or argument. Do not elaborate. Do not include him in the planning stage. Your telling him about an hour before it happens. By the way, nonchalantly, so and so is coming over to keep you company. Dont say "to watch you", while I'm out. So there can be no change of plans. No demands to go. No demands you stay. If he gets mad, tell him you'll be back. End of discussion. Then go! Keep it light, so he can't argue. Tell him if he's good you might bring him something back lol.
If he doesn't like it, he can go to bed early, get comfy on the bed, and watch his programs with a snack. How about a special dvd from the 2 dollar red box? That will keep him busy lol.
I'd put on the military channel, my dad was in heaven. Occupied for hours. If that doesn't work, TMC oldie movies. He'll love it Lol.
I'd making it a standing weekly thing for your sanity. Don't let hubs talk you out of it! Go to a movie, dinner. Force yourself!. You will feel better once you get there. You will feel better once you take back your life.
Does Fil have a tv in his room, and a comfy chair? Get one. Send him up to watch his programs. That way you can maintain your routines and have some relaxing time alone, or with hubs in the evening. Or you go up to your room and watch your fav shows, and the 2 guys can watch guy shows downstairs. Get a DVD player if you have to. Go read, take a bath. Take a walk. Walk around your property.
You will have to carve out your life from him. Make yourself a priority.
Tell husb he is pitching in more. Fil can go to adult day care 1x a week. Or for a few hours couple times a week. It will get him out of your hair for a bit. You can also say it's for Fil sanity, bc he's just plopped on couch 24/7. He needs to be mentally stimulated. This is true.
Or husb can take him for a ride to the park, drugstore, or a leisurely drive. They can go to nearby park, sit and feed the birds. Go to dog park, watch the dogs. It's an hour. Let's you relax.
Good luck~
I am going to seriously implement many of these, and need to regain some sort of control. You are right, FIL should not be calling all the shots. He rules from his throne a/k/a recliner.
I have asked him several times about going to senior activities, and I know his mobility is limited, but really, he could do something....
Again, I truly appreciate your time in replying, and wish you the best on whatever you may be dealing with!
You also need some down time. The good feeling is fleeting, but after my little adventure a couple weeks ago I have decided that as caregivers we all need SOMEthing to look forward to. For me it was having the blessings of a good friend to indulge my desire and spend three nights that went so quickly within 45 minutes of home where I am caring for my elder parents. I slept. I ate, I had room service and my OWN THERMOSTAT. A view of trees and sky.
I can imagine how hard this must be considering this isn't a blood relative.
I am no fan of support groups but have been helped immensely by the one monthly I attend for adult children. IF only to realize things could be so much worse.
Adopt a pup, distract yourself, do a good thing and feel the love. ANd remember, this will not last forever.
And especially don't forget you get to say NO. ALthough...it's possible once you get there you might feel better...
You are right, and we did actually go, and stayed until 2 a.m.! I think I packed in 2 years of fun into 1 night.... MUCH needed. Old friends, good and drink - doesn't get much better!
I agree that we need to take care of ourselves too, and sometimes this is hard when you spouse wants you to be present every waking moment and pouts when you want to get out, alone. I have had to have a serious discussion with him that I am not running away from him, but I am not a roommate to his father, and frankly if I don't do my own thing some, something is going to go seriously wrong and there will be no coming back from it.
I wish you and everyone on this site the best of luck with whatever they may be dealing with. And thank you again!
I told the counselor, “Help me learn to live with this person in my life, and then I can make the right decision about whether I should continue living with this person. “
My friend got a part time job at CostCo handing out samples to get out and be around people and away from the situation. She loves it, and she was a corporate banker.
If your FIL cannot be left alone, then his son will have to figure something out.
I needed help with my emotions and anxiety and depression so I could be at peace. Then all that other fell into place because I was a stronger advocate for myself.
None of this is easy. But you are being discounted and your feelings are important too.
Thank you so much for your advice!
You can see solutions MUCH more clearly when you're not depressed. Please; reach out for treatment!
I totally understand where you're coming from. My mom lived with us too for awhile and the lack of privacy was one of the hardest things. I also turned down invites from friends because I just didn't have any energy, I was so exhausted. He may not like respite, adult day care, AL, any of those choices, but you and hubby have to take care of yourselves and your marriage too.
just so I don’t sound like a completely unsympathic person, there is a long back story, and I just plane do not respect him. I have done so much and worked myself to death getting him set up here and he not once told me thanks....
i am hoping and a praying for relief.
thank you again for taking the time to reach out!
I feel better today. but ive had depression off and on for years. so maybe im just prone to it.
sometimes you have to force yourself into an activity. so since you already RSVP'd - I would say try your best to go. I usually end up having a better time than I expected. start by picking out something to wear. maybe even contact your lifelong friend and explain how you feel. sometimes just telling someone how you feel, and hearing their voice and concerns will help pick you up.
on the long term part of caring for FIL. sounds very hard if the sight of him is making your blood boil. for this im sorry for you situation. and I understand how it could bring you down...
Those are excellent suggestions regarding calling friends first.
since I only hear rumbles in the sky, we are going....
like you said, maybe a better time when I get there... I swear I have never been so lacking in interest in my life.....
Originally I took a 4 month leave from my job. After I went back I started to make plans for a big change and 8 months later left for good and went back to school.
I know my situation did not involve a elderly parent at that time, but I did learn that my well being comes first. For 30 years I put everyone else ahead of me and it took its toll.
I do not know your situation as far as why your fil lives with you and do not have time right now to look at your prior posts. But if his living with you is having an adverse impact on your own health and mental health is as important as physical health, then you may need to rethink his being there.
It does not matter if Mr. Picky does not like respite care, it is not for him, it is for you and your dh. He does not get a choice in the matter. Off he goes to give you an important break. A week off will not cure your depression, but it will allow you time off and either privacy in your own home or a chance to get away.
You our are so right about him not having a respite care choice.... I vetted a facility 4 times before taking him there for a few days while we visited family out of town, which was not even a vacation. The place was just wonderful. But he does not want ant to go back. I have asked hubby several times to tell him it is best for him because his balance is not good.... he just refuses to have “awkward” conversations with him.... not about showering on a regular basis or anything other than food and tv. It truly makes me feel like (although he says it is not true) that my feelings and dislikes are second place, actions do speak older than words....
i want to go out FIL in the car and driver over open the door and say GET OUT!
Thank you for listening/reading