My 86 year old father moved into my house a year ago after my mother died. I have one son in college and two in high school. My husband often works six days a week to get overtime pay to provide for us. I was a nurse for many years and worked in many different medical environments. My father pays for nothing except his medication and medical bills. I have become my father's personal slave 24/7. He is manipulative, verbally/emotionally abusive to me but only when no one is around to hear him. Example: I let him know I will be in the bathroom for a little while to get myself ready for the day. Usually 15-20 min. later he calls my cell demanding more coffee ect. I am so beyond burnt out and my husband and children have suffered. My father is extremely wealthy but he refuses to pay for a personal caregiver to lesson my load. He told me to hire a maid (with my money) to clean my house so that way I could take care of him (24/7). Money is not a issue for him. (He's cheap) He pays nothing for room and board, food, gas, electricity, water, ect. And refuses to pay for a caregiver. Are there legal issues I have to follow to get him out of my house without getting in trouble? My brother told him he would put him in a nursing home and my sister has mental breakdowns from his manipulative games so is unable to care for him.
Thank you for any advice
You may want to consult a lawyer.
In the meantime, stop responding to his demands. Turn you phone to mute and do not answer it when you are not available. He can wait for his coffee.
In the meantime, call an Elder Care attorney in your area & see what you can do about legally evicting him. It's not okay for him to be treating you like this. Not at all. Don't allow it for one more minute. Why does he have a right to move into YOUR home and treat you like this? Because you've let him. He's a bully and there's only one way to treat a bully. With a zero tolerance policy!
Put your foot down. And if he doesn't like it, I hope the door doesn't hit him on the arse on his way out.
I know how hard it can be to assert yourself with a bully, especially when the bully is your own father. But you deserve respect and to be treated with kindness, ESPECIALLY from your own father. I've tolerated a lot of disrespect from my own mother and the only way she backs down is when I tell her I won't tolerate it, and leave her presence or end the phone call with her. Wishing you the best of luck!
First step, do the research for assisted living/memory care/independent living facilities for him, so you're well-informed about housing option for him.
Then, you and your husband together need to present a united front and have the conversation with him that time is up at the Dad Hotel, and in [insert time frame here] he needs to have made other housing arrangements. If he isn't capable of doing so, then offer to find him a place yourself and present him with his options, but on [insert date here], he'll be living somewhere else. Stick to your guns on that. If he refuses, then you can go to eviction.
I'd use the eviction threat as a last resort, because eviction takes considerable time and if he's knowledgeable about it, you don't want to show your hand right off the bat and let him sit back and enjoy you suffering through a dragged-out and expensive eviction process.
Is this a cultural thing? Maybe its time for ur husband to step up to the plate. It is his home. As his wife he should be standing up for you. Time to tell Dad, its been a year and it is not working. You are his daughter not his slave. He should be doing what he can for himself. He also should be contributing to the household. So, since he isn't he needs to find a place of his own. If his needs help, then an Assisted living maybe what he needs. Give a list of places open. Tell him he has, lets say, 30 days to move out. If not done in that time you will need to evict him because you refuse to be at his beck and call.
Can I ask.. is he that sort of man that expects a woman to wait on him? Was used to that?
I do feel for older folk, being bereaved, having to uproot their life, new area maybe, losing friends etc. Makes me wonder if depression is a part of this?
But regardless of his mental or physical health, daughters (or sons) are not slaves. When they get treated as such it destroys relationships.
So time for 'The Chat'.
If he has expectations that you will do all, you will need to say No. If he feels entitled due to age, culture, even being male, you may need to discuss how times have changed. The bottom line *this is not working for your family - so things must change*. Discuss how a new plan will help ALL of you.
Depending how you get on with The Chat will determine the next steps. A counsellor told me The Chat often takes at least 6 times to sink in!
Good luck.
If you only want to vent, perhaps nothing matters except to sympathise and say it sounds dreadful. If you want suggestions about what to do, the details can make a lot of difference.
MJ1929 suggests that eviction can take a long time and it might be best not to ‘show your hand’ too soon. Legal process times can vary a lot between jurisdictions, so it might still be a good idea to see a lawyer and get yourself up to speed about what is involved. If you think it will definitely take eviction anyway, there may be no point in stalling. If father’s bad behavior is “only when no one is around to hear him”, install cameras with sound recording to get some evidence – it’s your house!
If father is a ‘women’s work and women do what they are told’ sort of guy, enlist your husband to ‘order’ what you can and cannot do for the dear old man. Your line is ‘I need to obey my husband, I am not permitted to do that’. Of course it shouldn’t be like that, but whatever works, is worth a go. Get yourself out of the firing line, because you are the most vulnerable person here. Perhaps your husband could see a counselor to work out a strategy of how to cope with a fight/argument with his FIL. Share the strategy with your sons, get them on board. Stage a showdown the next time your eldest comes home from college. ‘How dare you treat my mother like this’.
And stop doing what you are told! Plus if it’s just a vent, yes, it sounds appalling!
Tell us the missing details so we can help further.
Are you going tell him to move out?
Who knows if he will comply or not, so will you evict him? How long will that take?
If you are working then I take it that he can be left alone. Am I right?
Why doesn’t he pay for anything?
You say that he is cheap but you have expenses. Have you explained this to him?
I think that I would be tempted to place a lock on the fridge with a combination or key just for your family. I would also like to hide all knobs on my stove and place a lock on my pantry door.
I would dream of putting a mini fridge in his room which could go into your kid’s college dorm room later and a microwave and possibly a crockpot which can also be given to your child and tell him that his ‘free ride’ is over!
Okay, so I am being a bit facetious but it wouldn’t hurt to run it by an elder care attorney if you will be speaking with one about an eviction.
Seriously, you have your hands full and I am truly sorry that you are struggling with this.
I hope you find a viable solution soon.
Good luck!