What should I do when my mother is mad at me for "moving her things" when I wasn't even there?

Something I forgot, while getting a glass for water, I saw a fifth of Vodka sitting by her refriegerator and figure this is why she doesn't want to take any type of medication.
After speaking with husb this evening, he said he didn't think dementia had progressed as much as I thought it had and that she's playing these mental games. Otherwise how/why would she remember what she'd started a month ago?

First off all don't apologize for the length, that helps us to help you.
Has your mom always drank? And does she treat anyone else this way? Has she always been this way toward you?
Your husband is right, there is no way she would remember this a month later if it was dem/Alz.
Does the staff have any idea why she is acting this way?
I know it hurts you, but please do not put yourself in the situation to be verbally abuses like that.
What kind of relationship did ya'll have before? Sorry for all the questions, but it will help us to understand the situation.
Come back and vent, cry, and say what is on your mind.
We are here for you, just need more infor please. Hugs to you

Dementia

It's going to get worse and no matter what you do she will not be happy and you will be the reason in her diminishing mind for this as this is how she can rationalize what is going on. But she will find "others" who are doing things to her.
Look up "false beliefs" and "elderly paranoia"

She may not have ALZ but instead Lewy Body Dementia - very different as they can be sharp as a tack and then have an episode. I've posted on this before on this site so you can drill down for reading that. Visual hallucinations happen too. This is 100% real for them and they cannot be dissuaded it's false.

Start looking for LTC - long term care facilities.

Maure,
I have to disagree with Ladeeda on one point. She absolutely can have dementia and remember something a month later. I went through hell and back with my Mom who was suffering with dementia before I realized it. All I can say is to love her the best way you can as you go through this. I just kept telling my Mom when she would put me out of her life like that - I love you anyway!!! I also remember talking to her after a long period of her "hating" me and very humbly she said "I know I was mad at you but I can't believe it got that far" and "I just can't believe how I was feeling about you!" Referring to what felt like hatred to me. It's all about loss - loss of memory, loss of control, loss of independence and her seeing you as "taking over" her life - if that in fact is the position you are in - I was/am. My Mom got through the anger, but now she lives more and more in her own world - I just bought her a beautiful baby doll (very life like) and she is so nurturing toward it - and sometimes she refers to me as her Mother - she says it now in jest, but that is what we are headed for . . . all I can say is love her. (I don't know about the alcohol - I have not experienced that issue with my mom) Oh, and don't forget to pray!
Hugs . . .
Nancy

hi- reading your post brought a smile to my face because ---
i have experienced the same kind of treatment from my mom. , much of my life, she has been accusing me of things i havent done,lots of blame,
finger pointing, manipulation and control.
now that she is 87, dementia, but not totally in another place-
i think that there was some kind of disconnect inher brain for a long time. there was a time- for 10 years,as a matter a fact ,where we didnt speak-at all!!too dangerous for me-- and we lived very close to eachother.
it became a pattern, after we finally started talking again, once the lies,and accusations would just- i had to leave-
walk out- which of course made me the really bad daughter.
it was during one of those times last year, that mybrother and this "friend"of his ,financial advisor and all around $#!&^%&took
advantage of the situation and had mom take my name off the POA. she didnt realize it meant that i was nolonger able to be her advocate , i was an outsider no longer allowed to voice or suggest or be included in an of her health care--this was so stupid since i had been caring for her for years-and my brother was away, living his life-just calling every day, but saying very little-
i guess the point i am making is, sometimes, us "bad children" ,no matter what we do, will always be wrong.
and i mean NO MATTER WHAT WE DO-it isnt good enough or
kind enough , or acceptable. hard concept to accept.
a quick funny story- my mom wanted to visit me-after we had broken the silence-she hadnt been in my apt for 15 yrs.
i had prepared myself for expecting to hear the usual comments that hurt, trying to
find a way to make it a pleasant visit- now i paint, and had made a beautiful mural on mywall and ceiling- when mom came in m room with the mural ,she looked at it, and said- OMG, how are u going to get that off?/but mom- i put it there, i like it- well, that wasnt heard- at least i was semi prepared for her comments.
if u can somehow find it in yourself to understand that this isnot
the kind of thing that is rational- and so doing the obvious rational things, like taking your husband with u to prove u were not moving her things, isnt going to convince her of anything.
i think, at least from my experience, that eventually she will see
u for u, and when push comes to shove, it is u who is there for her, who cares for her and loves her..not to expect miracles,
but she is most likely scared, frightened, confused and angry/frustrated.it is a horrible time in her life-
who else is there to take out frustrations but on the ones we love the most. sorry for the rant- i got carried away-
i send u huggs ----- pick your battles, if she doesnt want to talk- take that time as a break- try and relax and fill up and be good to you!!!! it wont be long until u are back in the ring again.
i hope this helps, if nothing else, to distract u and show u that u are far from being alone.,things will work out-day by day we are stronger than we think.u are stronger than u think...karen

Look, you didn't do anything wrong...so you need to get over it. it is what it is. We can't control these types of behavior. She'll call you when she needs something.....sounds like the disease and the drinking are part of it. My mom drinks. I do EVERYTHING for both my parents and have two deadbeat siblings who walked away. When my mom drinks too much, she is nasty to me and defends my deadbeat sister. It absolutely kills me but I can't focus on it. So I move on. At least you know that your Mom is in a place where she's being taken care of. that has to be enough for you right now. For some of us that would love that, we can't affiord it. This will pass.....

Hi Maure.....not sure where to start but you have your hands full! Your mom sounds like my mil, only her vice was gin. Your mother is mentally diseased, that's why she does the things she does. It won't matter how "advanced" her dementia has gotten, there will always be something. The "mental games" are the dementia. Some days she will be completely lucid and can hold a sensible conversation, other days she will be completely out of touch with reality. And this will never be better. Since she is living in an assisted living facility I would think that the med techs responsible for dispensing meds would make sure she takes them, or is mom on her own? When we first moved my mil closer to us she would "play" with her meds also...now I physically hand them to her and watch her swallow and check her mouth if I have to, but that part I make a game of. I know it hurts when your own mother accuses you of things you haven't done. This is part of the disease and I'm sorry to say events will continue to happen. How does mom get her medications? She must have seen a doctor and should see one on a regular basis. Since your husband has such a good relationship with her right now see if he can take her to the doctor for a check-up...there may be other things going on that need to be checked.....a UTI for example can make for some bizarre symptoms. Is she diabetic, had a TIA?
I take it your adult children do not live very close so they can visit grandma? Time to tell them that grandma is aging and her mental status is changing. Perhaps they can also help until mom gets over her "tantrum". Which she will......I know it's hard to not see her but one of these days she is going to start wondering why you never come around and it would help to have your husband and children help grandma to remember what a wonderful daughter you are and she will start to miss you! My mil goes off on temper tantrums when she is told no about something....she will be 87 y/o in June and still wants to wear blackest black mascara globbed all over her eyelashes...:) The first time I took it away from her....eyes were red, watery, irritated....oh boy did she get mad, called me every name in the book! I relented by buying her brown and telling her she could wear a little bit. But in between throwing and buying I was "meaner than a snake", "you're so good to me", "I want to kill myself", "you take such good care of me"....so you see the emotions run the gamut and you must learn to harden yourself to it....remember it's not your mother talking, it's the disease. Oh, and get rid of the Vodka.....she doesn't need it unless she has depended on it and might go into withdrawals, thus all the more important for her to have a good check-up. Before we moved mil she would drink a BOTTLE of gin every night and be falling down, slobbering, slurred speech drunk. Don't know how she kept from killing herself.....but the very night she moved in she had a bottle stashed, drank it and became completely out of control, screaming suicide, homicide, you name it. Had her taken to the local hospital and spent a week in the behavioral unit. It has taken us a year of trial and error to find the right meds for her, but I think we finally have it right.
Hang in there and don't give up on mom.....she will come around. Just remember it's dementia doing her talking now.

Take care,
Jam

good advice- but i find it so hard "to get over it"....
i hurt because i am losing my mom, just when we started to
connect again- i should be glad we had that-
i just hate this disease- and the fact that at this time in life,
it seems so cruel to have your brain disconnecting-so much fear and pain,there are lessons here, but rightnow, i cant think
that way, but i will, intime/.

Tell your adult grandchildren so they can be a help also. They are now adults! My daughter visits her grandmother. The other daughter is a real prick about it, only because of slights in their relationship of previous years. But she is to spend time with grandma. We daughter caregivers are not so "special" that we are the only ones that can do the job right, or to martyr and take it on only ourselves. Tell other family they are to get involved, once a week would make all the difference in the world.

Sorry for the vague statement about dementia, My lady has late stage Alz and does not remember things from one moment to the other. Just using my own frame of reference.

Maure,
I just thought of something else - With Alzheimer's is short term memory loss. It's not that you can't remember something in the moment and it comes to you later- it is a lost memory, never to come back again. I had to move my Mom to assisted living because she was calling the office at her apartment complex constantly complaining that their "workers" were coming in and out of her apartment stealing things - things like sugar, lunch meat, bread, mayo, etc. She would also accuse kids of coming in and doing the same --no kids lived in the building! The bottom line is one cannot fathom that they did something they have done a million times - make a sandwich, and not remember it. She started hiding these things throughout her apartment but didn't remember she hid them, and then accused people of taking them. I live 350 miles away, but she would accuse me of sneaking into town and stealing her bras! It is a difficult and sad disease; I believe Alzheimer's is called "the slow goodbye". You do need to separate the disease from the woman; and at some point begin to have a sense of humor about it - it will be your saving grace!!!

Well, I have had this problem for a year. I have struggled with it a lot because I try to approach it rationally and explain why what my mother says is not possible. That appears to be the wrong approach. I have been told by my doctor that I am not dealing with a rational person, but a person who is elderly, has vascular problems in her brain, possibly minor strokes. As hard as it is, I have been advise to just say yes, and apologize. Or when being told preposterous stories about other people stealing thing, to just say "oh, that's terrible, I hope it stops." People at this stage in life have lost their ability to do normal things, like drive, or go out independently. The last thing they have left is to either be stubborn--I have the same problem with her not wanting to take some medication because she has concluded it's bad for her--or by being angry. It is sad that in the last years one has this kind of relationship, but there does not appear to be much, except for drugs, which they often refuse to take, that will calm them down. I have told my son and his family to not be surprised at her behavior and they seem to understand. Good luck. Try not to feel angry and guilty. It's not your fault. You are not dealing with the same person you knew.

I agree with all of the above. My mom is also in assisted living and it took a while for me to realize that she is back to her manipulative ways as she was in my childhood only they are illuminated now because of the dementia ....Everyone and everything annoys her and she hates everybody.....She can't remember my phone number (same one for 25 years) except when she wants to call up and scream at me then hang up...I now instead of driving myself into depression over this just tell myself that she is in a lovely place with good care and is much better off than she was living along.
how she choses to be dementia or not is her choice and putting myself in an early grave is not going to help her. Do your best and think about not calling her back when she hangs up on you for a few days---A week later when you do call her she might say
"well, where have you been or why haven't you called me" and remind her why----after a few times my mom got the hint and this behavior has lessoned but not stopped entirely---in any event it gives me a mental brake from the abuse and time to regroup-----I have no other relatives to intercede--or help out so keeping my sanity has to play a part----You are not alone--hang in there

Maure,
I'm sorry you are going through her machinations. We kept Mother & Daddy in their house for 5 years with 24/7 help. As her Alz got worse she was furious with me for moving all her things into a different house. "This is not my house. How did you move everything so quickly? And what did you do with the lake?" She was very angry for 3 years and adamant about the move and wanting to go back to her house. Just to let you know, it happens. Especially if she is manipulative. She may be wanting to see if you still love her no matter what or how awful she is. Think of a first grader having a tantrum. My recommendation would be to let her alone if that's what she wants. Let's see how 'He' takes it, being the one to visit and check on her. He may end up having a talk with her. Don't berate her to your husband. Be supportive and don't put yourself in between mom & your marriage. Take advantage of being off the hook for a while. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Re: the Doctor. The facility she is in should provide access to medical care. I f she won't go with them and won't take her meds, perhaps she needs to be in the next phase of the facility. You could move her and then she would be right about you rearranging her stuff. Everyone she tells this story to thinks she's crazier too. Don't take it personally. It shows how her disease is progressing.

Maaura, I get things set up in my moms cloths closet with a pair of slacks,blouse or sweater so that everything is alset for her and sh'll go behind me about an hour later and she starts tearing apart the clothes I just fixed and just before that she had helped to get things set up so she wouldn't get confused. She yelled at me and then she'll come an hour or two later and she say's with out you I don't know just where I'd be.She will hiuseinate and say that her father and mother are waiting for her to come home and they have been gone grandma since 1954 and grandpa sice 1965. My stepdad has been gone since 1981 and she keeps saying my husband is late coming home for dinner I have to go and see just where he is. Then another time she'll come and ask me Dayle where are the kids and wheres my baby. It's hit my mom very hard this last year and I can see her memory decling day by day. It's very hard to see your parent going through this especially where she used to be an exective securtay to the Pesident of a big company now she has a lot of probles speeking, writting her name or doing a simple math problem. She'll come and say to me I love you for all you do for me and she will give me a kiss on my cheek and a pat on my back. I have a sister and brother who live down south and neither of them call or come to see her and I think that na crying shame she had 3 children and only I have been with her in our home this last 18 years. Keep your chin up and think Positive that things will be ok. you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Maure,
When your Mom says to your husband, "How's she taking it?" he should respond, "Not well, because she misses you, but she respects your wishes so she will keep her distance." That will give her something to think about. She'll feel victorious, and probably forgive you for something that you never did, but that she has imagined you have done. I agree w/ what Nancydix said, about how her Mother behaved this way, and then gradually changed her ways and behavior. I hope this happens with your Mother, because I can sense the hurt this has caused you. As you have read, it's nothing you have done, but it is the disease. Knowing that, however, doesn't erase the hurt. Hugs and prayers to you.
Braida

Mrjess - I just wanted to let everyone know about doll therapy for Alzheimer's patients - my mother actually picked up a door hanging - a snowman and kind of adopted it as a child. She wrapped it in a blanket, talked to it and was always talking about it - how he smiles all the time, etc. Long story short, she spent a week in the hospital, then had to go to a skilled nursing home for another week and there was a baby doll sitting on a chair in the hall - I asked if she could have it and she totally took to the doll, carrying it everywhere, talking to it and sleeping with it - it's something for her to nurture and it's comforting to her. There is such a thing as doll therapy, it calms alz patients, helps them sleep (less wandering), etc. Sometimes my mother knows its a doll and other times she introduces people to her. Some of my family members have had a hard time with this, but I have fully embraced it seeing how much my mom loves the doll. It's a sad, sad thing to slowly lose a parent like this, but we have to realize that we cannot keep fighting to bring them into our world, we must go where they are. As you probably know by now, you can't win an argument with a dementia patient anyway!

Love this idea. Wanted to do this before Ruth's meltdown and my broken knee. When she gets out of the NH I am going to try this. I was met with opposition from BG, but am going to try it anyway. Anything to bring Ruth some comfort, as she is so anxious so much of the time.

Ladeeda, just put it in her room and see what happens. I don't know if you have the money or not, but you can buy a very life like beautiful dolls at the store at the alzheimer's baby doll therapy store.
The dolls are $80. If you don't have the money, I'm sure any baby doll would work. Good luck!

There aren't enough "Thank You's" in the world to say and give everyeone here that's responded to my post. I asked God for help and this is where he led me, THE PERFECT PLACE.

Earlier in the week, her cancer dr appt, PET scan appt and follow up appt. came in the mail, I made copies and husb took them to the desk inside the blding for me. That was the day of her phone call with two different greetings to ea. of us, she'd called to tell me she had someone from the manor is taking her to all her appts. Of course this costs a lot more than our tank of gas, but she feels better having them take her and so do I.

Prior to hanging up, she said "I love you" in a none feeling way and have the feeling sincetellinig her "I love you to mom", she thinks everything is back to normal, but it's not for me ( it may not be for her either, these are just feelings I 'm suspecting)
If she calls, I don't care to talk to her, thats being terribly mean,
but I don't know whether she's lying or telling the truth when talking to me.
I'm sure she's spread rumors all around about me, but I don't care. Trying desperatly not to get any more depressed and already on meds for it bc my first grandbaby is coming June 10, and I never thought I'd have one bc my girls can't have kids.
It's my son and his wife that are having a son and that's another basket case for me. NOTHING in my life is normal except for the constant faith I have in God and how he's so good to me. I apologize to those who don't speak about religon.
It is my one saving grace and how can I be so damn angry and be Christian at the same time?
I don't know, I just am.
Again, Thanks to Everyone
Maure

Thank You Nancydix, I already do that with a babydoll. As a matter of fact I made the doll that she thinks is her baby. The body is cloth and the face,hands and legs were made in Germany. I went to a cosigment shop in town and found a babies little 6 mo. siZe dress and pinafor the I put on white ruffel tights and little white baby shoes. I put hair onher just like a babies. Mom will hug her doll talk to it sing to it,she lays her down on her dresser and covers her with a hand towel for a blanket. Then I bought her 3 stuffed dogs to replace Prince Jesse a beautiful little Y0kie that we had to put up for adoption due to mom falling,he would run between her legs then she would lose her balance and fall. My Tax accountant adoptied Jesse and if we want to see him I just have to give her a call and she will bring him to the house . Back to the stuffed dogs shell talk to them also anxd she'll take one to bed with her. She had a bad day at the program today,one of the staff went to take her to the ladies room and clean her upand mom started striking out at the staff person she has never done that before and I see that things are beginning to change more and more every day. When I picked her up from the day program I took her to JC Penny to get her 2 prs. of sneakers and a Dress for Easter she yelled at me in the changing roomand she told me that she was going to punch me out. But I know it was the dementure talking and I just told her to knock it off and she looked at me and said to me OK! mom I'm sorry and I Love you very much.

mrjess, I would like to caution you to not let her phycical behavoir get out of hand. I am setting her with a broken knee from Ruth having meltodowns and the family not listening about a change in meds. Poor Ruth is stuck in a NH getting her meds adusted and I am here trying to heel and get ready for her to come home. There will come a time when "knock it off" will not work. Just please be aware of her changes and inform your Dr. Hope she settles down.

Hi Ladeeda. Thank You for responding so quickly I am going to speak with the doctor next month when we go for our checkups and I'll let him know just what is going on. That was the first time she lashed out at someone , I just thought of something it could have been how the staff person approched her some of them sometimes don't know how to approach people with Alzhimers and Dementure. I'll keep what you said on a piece of paper when i do get to talk to him. Again Thanks for listening

I relate and that is exactly why I am here to help. I wish I knew about this discussion site when I was having these issues for the first time. Anyone dealing wth this or any type of mental illness should get a metal of Honor. I have learned something most important... those who love a mentally ill person suffer mentally,emotionally,physically it takes a toll on you if you let it. The key is to remember it is an illness, they know not what they do to you. I have realized that the more I try to show my Love the more Mom rejects me. If I show hurt or take it seriously she continues, I back off she backs off. It is like a test. Two year olds do this without knowing it, to see who is a security. They test your love, who cares enough to notice I am misbehaving?
In the case of missing items...one who is forgetful will blame the person who cares because that person will probably find the missing item. My Mom was/is afraid someone is taking her things, therefore she hides them. So when she can't find them, she can't remember where she has hidden them, so I must have taken them. When she was living with me, her hiding spot was in her bed. So I would get her in the bathroom ready to shower(Mom would never leave BR nakie) say Oh I forgot to get a towel, I'd run into her room go thru her bed retrieve missing items and she never saw me touching her stuff. This became routine. She would ditch her pills too, I swear she took them swallowed them while I watched. My friend found them buried in her couch!!!???? She is sneaky and smart and yes forgetful but manipulation is clear as a blue sky. The verbal abuse is actually a compliment, It means she trust that you are the one who cares and will put up a fight for her no matter what. I now understand that in my Moms new reality and the way she acts towards me has to be translated into a need or a conflict she is having. In other words she cannot say I need help because that would be giving up on herself instead she says go away I don't need you, so she feels independant. In anycase I think to myself if she were a 2 year old and I said to her don't go into the street it's not safe and she said I hate you because I stopped her, I would know I did what I needed to for her safety reguardless of the verbal abuse. When it's someone like a parent it is not natural for a child to be the parent, so it is a conflict to both the child and the parent ,roles have reversed.You have to try not to let this behavior get to you. Just do what you think is right, you are the one of sound mind. If you want to enjoy some quality time music is a miracle. Play a song thats familiar and you'll see what I mean. Faith is the only way to go it will get stronger just accept and appreciate especially when it gets tuff.

mrjess, also keep in mind it is a full moon. Alz/dementia have a very hard time with anger and anxiety during this time. Glad I could help. Let me know what the doc says. Good luck..

Thanks to all of your words and support mom came into see me before she went off to bed. Moms on namendr,ariset,and Tranzidone for the Dementure. When she takes the Tranzidone it is for Angizty and she sleeps through the night. She'll get up maybe one time to go to the bathroom then she'll go right off to sleep. Again thank you for your words and support Take Care and write when you can...