What should I do when my husband says we have him locked up in the house?

I think that you have perhaps known for a while, Cheeky, that you are heading for a place where this is no longer manageable. You cannot change it and it will not be getting better. I am so sorry, but you may be looking at options for placement in the new year. This isn't sustainable, I think. Only you can decide for yourself. You really cannot reason with dementia.

Time for placement.

Well past time actually.

You can either just reassure him that he's not locked up, or you can just ignore it to the best of your ability.
You are now to the point where you have to meet your husband where he is at, and live in his world and quit expecting him to live in yours. Your life will be much better if you can remember that.
Plus I would recommend hooking up with a local caregiver support group that meets weekly, where you can share with others that are going through similar things to you. It always helps to know we're not alone in what we're going through.
There is nothing easy about dementia, and it sounds like you're not dealing well with it at all, and that can be very dangerous to you as 40% of caregivers will die before their loved one suffering from dementia from stress related issues.
So perhaps for your health's sake you may need to start looking into getting your husband placed in a memory care facility, where you can get back to just being his wife and advocate and not his burned out and stressed out caregiver.

My mother always referred to me as her mother, for at least 4 of the 6 yrs she suffered from dementia. Many believe the person who makes the decisions for them IS their parent.

When DH complains about being locked up in the house, tell him you are too! Where would he like to go? For a walk? To get ice cream?

Like Funky said, YOU enter HIS reality now and meet him there. If he says you're mom, you're mom. If he's locked up in the house, so are you, by choice. There are no prison bars on the doors or windows. Make light of all the nonsense. Until it begins to affect your health negatively and then you have decisions to make.

Best of luck to you.

Looks like time he went into full time care
in meantime maybe you could get some official help taking him out day to a park for fresh air / do you have anyone else to help ?
-all said- It sounds like you have reached all you can cope with. Speak to his doctor first advice -

What happens if u can't afford fulltime care but you have to spend down to be eligible for medicade. How do you get them help even after home hospice says it is time for a NH?

In all due honesty, nothing. This is dementia and the only thing by getting further embroiled in these discussions he is not going to remember two minutes later is to detach yourself emotionally from these outbursts or dicussions. It leaves you frustrated, tired and angry. Give it a few minutes, and maybe ask if he would like a cup of tea, soda or something. If he persists, maybe take a break and work on some hobbies, read or watch your favorite TV program. Caregiving has to work for the caregiver. Usually when they are persistent with certain discussions and won't drop it, nine times out of ten they are caught up in a loop. They are trying to tell us something. What he could mean is that he feels trapped in his mind and body. Dementia takes away vocabulary and leaves very little for self expression. This is the problem with receptive and expressive aphasia. From our end, it's nothing more we can do. It's the progression of the disease. Some days may be better than others.

Have him checked for a UTI if these behaviors seem to be progressing rapidly.


I'm finding out that dealing with the older population and of all their demands and complaints is to be engaging but detached in the same manner. It's not that you don't care, but it is a learning curve to protect your own peace of mind while helping someone.

She may be remembering awhile back when she was at your neices house and Just thinks she was just there. It is how she remembers, the mind plays tricks.

Cheeky79: An individual suffering from dementia does not make the call to be "locked up." Ergo, he may require facility living in all honesty.

Hang in there for a couple more weeks, and Make That Doctor Appt Pivotal!
Tell the doctor that you can not safely meet his needs at home any longer and ask for a referral to a memory care facility.

I agree with AlvaDeer.

Don't let the doctor postpone action until a future appointment. Keep pushing. Ask what needs to be done for placement in a care facility.

In the meantime, try and have patience with your husband. Don't try and argue with him about where he is or anything he perceives to be true. It will only add to your frustration, and his.

If a severe, unmanageable event occurs, call 911 and have him taken to the ER. Don't keep your cool about it. Emphasize how unsafe he is or how unsafe you feel! And that you don't know what else to do! Once at the hospital, he should be evaluated by a neurologist and can be admitted to the hospital or to an appropriate care facility for his condition.

Same thing here but his doctors don't care about him because he lies about everything! His problem is when I ask him a question he says I'm yelling! He is milking the dementia and uses it to get away with everything! Everything that he touches turns into a disaster! I was in the hospital and he was on his own for 4 days! My neighbor said he never seemed to care! He was outside like nothing happened! She and another neighbor were worried that I had died because the other neighbor saw me in the ambulance when she came home! Nothing bothers him except when I ask him questions! He says that I yell at him which is crazy! He supposedly pretends he can't hear me. I have to give him instructions and correct his actions like a toddler! He has never told the truth about anything and now he's even worse! He tells me and my daughter that we are liars! He stamps his feet like a toddler and tries to break my fingers or hand and stomp on my feet like he's crushing a cigarette! When I came home from the hospital I asked him to help me write a check for my car's registration! He sat across from me and my hand was shaky after being given several medications! I told him to take his time and print so it was legible! He repeated every line and put the check in the envelope and out into our box to be picked up! Six weeks later still no registration! I had just gotten a new printer so I went on line and paid by cc! I noticed the check was cashed last week! He wrote the check on September 24th and he dated it November 24th? He doesn't know what month we are in! He got mad at me and said I was lying that he knew what month it is! He brought his blanket to me! I said does it need to be washed? He said it's yours I wouldn't know! I told him it's yours! He looks at me like I'm insane and said now who has a problem? You know it's your blanket! He has lost two doctors, a counselor, Neurologist and even his Psychiatrist are fed up with him! Last December 22nd he totaled my car and we got sued because he made a left hand turn in busy traffic! He convinced some doctors that he was fine driving even though his Geriatric doctor wanted his license revoked! You are lucky you can go with your husband to doctor visits! I was told by his Geriatric doctor to move him out! He put on his comments on the portal that I took over his visits! So after that I would give the front desk a note to give to the doctor! His last visit 10/24 I said he's still driving and he's not taking his meds! His notes read she gave me a note about him driving and not taking his meds! He denied both so I don't know who to believe! After his accident I answered his comments he totaled two cars and we're getting sued so I guess you should have been listening to me!
I wish you the best! This last year there was a water leak that went undetected until it got severe! There are still repairs needed between the insurance and me getting sick! I feel so isolated from the world! I only drive a couple times a month because I am so sick from Lyme! He is here but the home nurses that were here said they were very concerned about him and how he acts! I have not slept in my bed upstairs since September when I got sick! I told them that I could be dead upstairs and he'd never care! A home visit Vet that came to my house for my dogs too noted that he seemed animated in his actions! He wants everyone to think I'm a liar and everything is good with him! He is a stranger to me! He has no concerns about me and would love it if I dropped dead! 55 years on 12/6 and he never said a word! My neighbor said she could cry the way he treats me! I know if he goes into a facility I will never visit him! I am trying to get my health better so I can start putting plans together!

I understand how you feel! Stay strong!