My mother died about a year ago. So I stayed to help take care of my father. He’s 70. I do all the house work, cook and I mean literally everything for this man. He still says I do nothing and I am lazy. This man won’t even get up to feed himself, when he is capable. He tells me I treat him awful and do nothing for him. Advice?
Dad is hale and hearty at 70. Using all his energy to complain. Needs to put that into taking care of himself.
Get him a good cookbook, wrap it nicely, leave it on the table with a sweet note, and get on with your life.
I am 82. Still cook just fine! Clean. Take walks. Garden. Go to museums.
Time for dad to get himself a life. And you, too. Know I wish you the very best of luck, Lucy.
You're exceptional. I think maybe the OP's father like so many who are still quite capable of being independent, want to be "babied" by others. They want to be catered to and "babied" like they're children or invalids but at the same time be treated like they're the boss and in charge of everything and everyone.
My mother has been this way my entire life since she was a young woman.
The OP needs to force him to do for himself and the only way this happens is if she stops being his servant.
Please tell me that you username doesn’t refer to your birth year. It would be really tragic if you’re not even thirty yet and already throwing away your life.
70? You're giving up your life for someone who is 70?
There are a bunch of people here whose loved ones are in their 90's or above.
Are you ready to give up your life for the next 30 years?
Now, force dad to rebuild his life by moving out so you can rebuild YOUR life. You are not meant to be his chief cook and bottlewasher while he hurls insults at you all day long. I sure hope this wasn't your mom's role!
I agree with the post to give him a cook book and the number of a housecleaning service .
Or suggest he go to independent living community where he will get meals and housecleaning , meet people .
Also suggest Dad go to the doctor for a check up , maybe he needs an antidepressant or grief counseling .
OP , does your father have any cognitive issues ? Maybe in addition to depression he could be evaluated for those issues as well .
Was he always like this ? Did Mom wait on him hand and foot ?
Read the article below which can be found under the Care Topics at the top of this page.
If Dad is good on all the IADLS, the problem is not with dad. It is with you being willing to place yourself into servitude to another. He is just taking advantage of it.
You didn’t fill out your bio so we don’t know if he has actual needs or not. Regardless, there is a lot wrong with your situation that isn’t good for either of you.
You are too young to give up your life to wait on dad.
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When it becomes clear that a loved one can’t get through their daily routines without assistance, the LOGICAL NEXT STEP is to begin looking into resources that can provide the support they need.
One of the first things a long-term care insurance company, home care company, adult day care center, or assisted living community will ask about is the senior’s ability to perform basic activities of daily living (ADLs) and instrumental activities of daily living (IADLs).
What are activities of daily living?
The Katz Index of Independence in Activities of Daily Living defines ADLs as basic skills needed to properly care for oneself and meet one’s physical needs. There are six activities of daily living:
Eating — the ability to move food and drink successfully to one’s mouth
Dressing — the ability to select appropriate clothing and put it on
Bathing — the ability to maintain good personal hygiene practices, including nail care, hair care, and oral hygiene
Toileting — the ability to use the toilet and cleanse oneself
Continence — the ability to control bladder and bowel function
Ambulating — the ability to walk and transfer to and from a bed or chair
What are instrumental activities of daily living?
Instrumental activities of daily living are more complex tasks necessary for truly independent living.
These require certain levels of both physical and cognitive ability.
According to the Lawton-Brody Scale, IADLs fall into the following eight categories:
Cooking — the ability to plan, prepare, and serve adequate meals
Managing medications — the ability to take correct doses of medications at the right times
Shopping — the ability to shop for all one’s needs, including clothing, personal care items, and groceries
Communicating — the ability to use a phone, computer, or other methods of communication
Managing money — the ability to make and follow a budget, write checks, pay bills on time, make trips to the bank, and monitor one’s income and expenses
Housekeeping — the ability to clean and maintain one’s home
Transportation — the ability to drive, use public transportation, or arrange other means of transport
Laundering clothing — the ability to wash and dry personal laundry
What do activities of daily living measure?
Both basic and instrumental activities of daily living measure a person’s functional status.
It’s important to understand that functional abilities can vary across all ADLs and IADLs. For example, a senior who can’t walk without a mobility aid may be dependent on another person for IADLs that are more physically taxing like housekeeping and laundry. Yet they may be able to perform basic ADLs like bathing, toileting, and dressing without assistance.
Even if a person needs some help with IADLs and/or ADLs, they might still be capable of participating in their own care.
In each area, a person may:
Be totally independent
Require prompting, reminders, or supervision
Rely on durable medical equipment or other assistive devices
Require moderate hands-on assistance
Being completely dependent on another person
Take the AgingCare Needs Assessment which can be found on this link.
https://www.agingcare.com/topics/86/activities-of-daily-living
If your mom was a housewife and did everything for him, he probably isn’t used to doing for himself and doesn’t feel he should have to as long as he’s the sole financial support. I’m not saying this is right, but it’s not unheard of for his generation.
You will need to move out to have a life and a future. Dad will take care of himself if he has to.
Insulting someone by telling them they're lazy and do nothing when that is clearly untrue is not telling them this kind of life is no life and you want better for them.
It's telling them that they do not value you or what you do for them because they're a spoiled, entitled a$$hole who thinks they're doing you a favor by letting you do everything for them and then complaining about it.
If someone doesn't want you to live your life in miserable servitude to them don't let them. Make arrangements for yourself as you get older. Be grateful for what they do for you. Don't treat them with less respect than you'd have for a bag of garbage on the side of the road.
Do for yourself as much as you can, even if it's hard. Say thank-you once in a while.
When parents truly love and respect their families they don't expect them to be their old-age careplans nor do they treat them like crap.
Literally don't do a damn thing for him and I mean absolutely nothing. No cooking, no cleaning, no shopping, no running errands, no anything.
When he starts up with trying to instigate with you about how terrible you treat him, your laziness, and how you do nothing tell him exactly what I told my mother who behaved very similar.
Tell him that you don't want to make a liar out of him so you're living up to what he says to you and what he surely says about you to others. So you're not helping him anymore.
He'll change his tune quick about you being lazy and doing nothing. Maybe he'll be stubborn for a few days or weeks but make him ask if he wants or needs something. This is what I had to do with my mother. I stopped making sure everything was at her fingertips and three delicious meals a day plus snacks that she complained about incessantly stopped appearing out of nowhere. I just stopped everything.
When she got tired of living on old peanut butter and stale crackers because it was all that was in the house (I ate out or only prepared single-portion meals for myself), she rolled back the entitled behavior and bad attitude. Your father will too. If he doesn't walk away and leave him to fend for himself, or get him placed in AL or some other kind of LTC.
Dad is only seventy. People who are seventy still hold full time jobs.