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Moms friend has b.o. and bad breath. I don't want her coming to the house anymore. I can't tolerate the smell that emanates from her. It doesn't bother mom. I told mom I don't want her coming in the house and she's mad about it.
It's May now. Nice weather abounds everywhere. Why not allow your mom's friend to come over but have them sit outside while they visit? And if they can't sit outside for whatever reason, why do YOU have to tolerate any odor emanating from the woman? Go sit in another part of the house and leave the 2 friends alone to visit. Your mother has very few things left to enjoy in life as it is with dementia going on!
Can you burn some candles and/or melting waxes? Spray air freshener? Like someone already mentioned, set up an outdoor space where they can visit. It's a delicate subject.
How often does this woman come to your home? Is this not also the home of your MOM. That is to say if she is living with you, you have made your home hers.
If your mother is living with you, and this is a friend who comes to visit her, then this friend is essentially visiting your mother in her own home. This is something that honestly, in a woman with depression (listed in your profile) I cannot imagine not allowing. Has your mother not had enough losses due to aging.
The mouth problem is likely gum disease. What can you do about that? Nothing. The B.O is likely something she cannot herself smell (may have some onset of age related loss of smell and taste; my brother did, likely due to undiagnosed Lewys, and I had to speak to him about using deoderant, because he had no idea).
Please find another way. Ask your mom is she is comfortable telling her friend that her daughter is disturbed easily by smells and she feels that she should perhaps change deoderants as we get immune to them. If she isn't comfortable doing that, then I am afraid you are in for a smelly house. Try to keep the two in "Mom's Room" or a specific room for the visits. Then bring mom into family room and air it all out. It's unlikely it will permiate the carpetings.
I am all for cleanliness. I am all for honesty. But I am MORE for loving visits from a friend. Most of our elders enter aging having lost them all one way or another, and being alone. Don't rob your mom of visits from a friend she loves. Please.
No one has to let someone else stink up their house. The OP can discreetly speak to her friend's family about getting her some hygiene assistance. Or she can have her mother speak to the friend about it as a friend. Or the OP can talk to her about it and offer to help her get some personal assistance.
Gross. There's two ways to handle this. If the friend is old you could talk to her family. Does she have grown kids? I'd talk to one and tell them plainly that she smells so bad that you don't want her in your home. Offer to help them arrange some kind of CNA homecare service to regularly come and help her with hygiene care.
If she's on her own tell your mother she has to have a talk with her friend about cleaning up. Otherwise, they will have to visit outdoors because you don't want her in the house. If mom refused, you quietly take this person aside and tell her plainly but not unkindly, that she smells very bad and needs to take come care with her own hygiene. Then ask if she needs help and tell her that needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds to me like she needs some homecare help with her hygiene care. It will be an uncomfortable discussion for sure but one that must be had.
My friend, I think it will be like pulling off a band-aid. Best to just get to it and get it over with.
If you are willing, you can use the premise that having bad breath and "abnormal" body odor can be an indication of a health problem, like diabetes, sinus infection etc. This gives you a legit reason to bring it up. Maybe get your Mom on board about this tactic so that she can support you, or maybe your Mom can bring it up between the two of them with a little prep work from you.
"Diseases such as some cancers can cause a distinctive breath odor. The same is true for disorders related to the body's process of breaking food down into energy. Constant heartburn, which is a symptom of gastroesophageal reflux disease or GERD."
Sorry, I can't stand BO smells so this woman would not be allowed in my home. It permeates everywhere she sits. I have a nephew with that problem. He is not allowed in mine or my daughters house without taking a shower top to bottom. Sorry, I would have to tell her as nice as possible. If there is family and this is fairly new, they should be told. One sign of Dementia is loss of smell and bad hygiene. So Mom not smelling her is not unusual for someone who has Dementia.
And there is something that can be done about gum desease. For one, a good cleaning at the Dentist. In early stages its plaque that has harden and gives off a sulfur order. In bad cases the bacteria eats away the bone. When this happens, the gums need to be opened up and the damaged bone scraped away. Not fun, I had it done. Have had no problems since.
Another problem, that was talked about the last couple of days, is undiagnosed diabetes. The smell was discribed like acetone.
When I had someone who smelled extremely badly visit, I would put a cover on the chair where they sat, so I could easily wash it, and I would open a window. I put up with the smell because they were important to my family and I didn't want to cause hurt. They were never going to change this aspect of themselves, so a polite word wouldn't work.
I don't think that anyone should take a parent (or anyone) into their home, then not allow them to have a visitor. Especially a parent who has depression on top of all their ailments. I would be glad they had a friend.
The smell won't last forever. Neither will your mum's capacity to engage with a friend. Let her enjoy it while she can.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Mom's friend. Coming to visit your Mom & Mom doesn't mind.
Like someone already mentioned, set up an outdoor space where they can visit.
It's a delicate subject.
Is this not also the home of your MOM. That is to say if she is living with you, you have made your home hers.
If your mother is living with you, and this is a friend who comes to visit her, then this friend is essentially visiting your mother in her own home. This is something that honestly, in a woman with depression (listed in your profile) I cannot imagine not allowing. Has your mother not had enough losses due to aging.
The mouth problem is likely gum disease. What can you do about that? Nothing.
The B.O is likely something she cannot herself smell (may have some onset of age related loss of smell and taste; my brother did, likely due to undiagnosed Lewys, and I had to speak to him about using deoderant, because he had no idea).
Please find another way. Ask your mom is she is comfortable telling her friend that her daughter is disturbed easily by smells and she feels that she should perhaps change deoderants as we get immune to them. If she isn't comfortable doing that, then I am afraid you are in for a smelly house. Try to keep the two in "Mom's Room" or a specific room for the visits. Then bring mom into family room and air it all out. It's unlikely it will permiate the carpetings.
I am all for cleanliness. I am all for honesty. But I am MORE for loving visits from a friend. Most of our elders enter aging having lost them all one way or another, and being alone. Don't rob your mom of visits from a friend she loves. Please.
No one has to let someone else stink up their house. The OP can discreetly speak to her friend's family about getting her some hygiene assistance. Or she can have her mother speak to the friend about it as a friend. Or the OP can talk to her about it and offer to help her get some personal assistance.
Or they can start visiting outside.
If she's on her own tell your mother she has to have a talk with her friend about cleaning up. Otherwise, they will have to visit outdoors because you don't want her in the house. If mom refused, you quietly take this person aside and tell her plainly but not unkindly, that she smells very bad and needs to take come care with her own hygiene. Then ask if she needs help and tell her that needing help is nothing to be ashamed of. It sounds to me like she needs some homecare help with her hygiene care. It will be an uncomfortable discussion for sure but one that must be had.
My friend, I think it will be like pulling off a band-aid. Best to just get to it and get it over with.
"Diseases such as some cancers can cause a distinctive breath odor. The same is true for disorders related to the body's process of breaking food down into energy. Constant heartburn, which is a symptom of gastroesophageal reflux disease or GERD."
Source: https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/bad-breath/symptoms-causes/syc-20350922
Also, diabetes (ketosis), liver disease, peptic ulcer are other causes.
And there is something that can be done about gum desease. For one, a good cleaning at the Dentist. In early stages its plaque that has harden and gives off a sulfur order. In bad cases the bacteria eats away the bone. When this happens, the gums need to be opened up and the damaged bone scraped away. Not fun, I had it done. Have had no problems since.
Another problem, that was talked about the last couple of days, is undiagnosed diabetes. The smell was discribed like acetone.
I don't think that anyone should take a parent (or anyone) into their home, then not allow them to have a visitor. Especially a parent who has depression on top of all their ailments. I would be glad they had a friend.
The smell won't last forever. Neither will your mum's capacity to engage with a friend. Let her enjoy it while she can.