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I feel your pain. I am married to a momma's boy too. She has dementia and doesn't know who he (or anyone else) is, but he still does whatever she wants or did want when she was cognitive.
It's getting ridiculous for me too. Her power went out the last time we traveled for a one night sleepover, and it ruined our trip. I know I overreacted because I just knew something was going to happen and I blew it out of proportion. But still, that is the mental state I'm in after years of living with this dynamic. It truly sucks.
I used to think it was good I found someone who treated their mother well, but boy have I rethought that. Besides dementia that just effects her memory, she is healthy as a horse at 92 and the odds are good she will outlive my husband. I do not know who will care for her then, as it will not be me. (of course, there is more to that story and my relationship with my MIL that predates her present memory issues, I am not just being arbitrarily cruel). Hugs to us both ()
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I do understand. Many people think that when a daughter in law start to complain about their elderly mother in law, it must be because they do not love them. I find this to be untrue. Many of us love and have loved our mother in law but as anyone who hurt us, we all have a breaking point. I do understand perfectly what you are going through and I hope there will be a solution in your situation too. Like many suggested on this forum and I find the advice very powerful, if we allow ourselves to be out of the picture for sometime, then there is a chance that our husbands realize that their priorities are off. I hope your situation will get better, we deserve to be happy. Thank you for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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With ESRD she will eventually need either home care or nursing home care. You and your husband will have to look into setting that up in the near future. As for vacation, I don't know that she will be able to take a 600-mile drive, if she is physically up to it, if the other party is willing to care for her, then she will be with someone she knows, and you'll be able to go away without worry. It sounds like a possible solution for your vacation issue. Only thing is, the hubs may have to take some time for the driving portion. Maybe you'll have to take a lovely 3-week holiday, which is still longer than most people have for vacation. Sounds good to me. I mean life changes and throws obstacles at us. Having an elderly parent can be tough. We all cry about it, but you'll survive and likely your marriage will too (if you allow it to).
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I found a lot of wisdom in your message, I already mentioned to my husband that a such drive could affect his mom even more but when we shared it with her, she said that she still want to do it . She has difficulty walking and after her last road trip last year, she was unable to walk without a walker, yet she now says that if she cannot walk after the road trip, then she will be in a wheelchair. So she takes absolutely no responsibility for her action and wants us to take care of her. I agree with you that with ESRD, she will soon need home care or nursing home care but in her mind she doesn't need them. Another thing that hit me is that her mental health seems on the decline and even though she can have some long conversation, her reasoning is not what it used to be. For the past three years, she refused to do a Cognitive Assessment which is required by Medicare every year. So yesterday, I contacted her doctor to plan one and I told her about it. She just said thank you. However, in the light of a potential early dementia, then many of her irrational behaviors would finally be explained. Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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Cindy,

I just reread your post and your concern about protecting your marriage. It sounds like your husband is in a zone of doing for Mom first and it sounds like this has gone on for years.

To protect your marriage you need to protect your self and take care of yourself.

Perhaps consider a 1 week vacation. Tell husband he is welcome to join you or not but tell him you need a break due to the stress. You are responsible for you. Husband is responsible for himself and how he interacts with Mom.

Life is about change. A one week or 10 day vacation on your own sounds reasonable.
I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico.

Big picture I'd step way back from the situation. You can't change husband. Only husband can change husband. Start going out for dinners with girlfriends etc. Make plans with girlfriends.
Get out and have some laughter.

Drop the rope.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I start to get the fact that I need to put myself first and let him deal with his mom. In our 18 years of marriage, we never had a single solo vacation so this would be a huge change for him, and I know it will make him react. However, I am so drained and tired, that when I will do it, I will do it just so I can make a break for myself and enjoy my time. I truly feel it would be beneficial, Thank you so much for your suggestion, I appreciate it.
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Cindy,

Book your own vacation. I highly recommend Florida or Puerto Rico. You don't need a passport for Puerto Rico. Tell hubby he is welcome to join you for all or part of the vacation (after you've already booked.)

If MIL has 15 GFR and refuses treatment it does not sound like she has long in the big picture.

You have got to take care of yourself first.

Also tell hubby many family caregivers die before their loved ones die due to stress.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I told him that many caregivers end up being sick themselves and today, we watched the movie "The Father" which is the story of an older man who has Alzheimers and his daughter is getting drained while taking care of him. She ended up putting him in a nursing home. Even though we did not talk about his mom, I know that the whole time he watched the movie, he was thinking about his mom. In the movie, the daughter and her husband had to cancel their vacation just because the father was acting up. The husband became very bitter towards her father. I could see that my husband's mind was all over the place and he realized the damage of what caring for an older parent can do to a relationship. So now, I will apply all the great advices that I received on this forum and I know at the end, there will be peace for everyone. Thank you so much for your message, I truly appreciate it.
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Dear OP, others have given you good advice. I hope you take it.

Please go on a vacation YOURSELF. It could be a week at a resort hotel, a cruise or a tour of some country or city that you've alway longed to visit. Just do it.

DH is married to mom. Maybe your jaunt will wake him up to this, maybe not. But stop going out of your mind trying to change his. Get on with what you'd like to do.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I believe that the fact that his mother is now in the terminal stage of her disease, even though she sill have lots of energy, in the back of my mind I realize that there is a chance that she may pass soon. Then again, soon may be in a few years from now. So I am walking on eggs right now but I know that I have a better idea on how to approach the situation. All the messages on this forum truly lifted me. Thank you so much for your feedback, it is truly appreciated.
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I'm sorry for your situation. Your husband has decided to be there for his mother and this will be a very hard loss for him in the end. They have had a very close relationship for many years so this is no surprise. Honestly, time is not on her side if you are able to hang in there. Try to be supportive to him but step back when you need some breathing space. Try not to participate in her personal care as that is on your husband. I realize it makes you feel like an outsider but I think your husband would feel great guilt if he was not there for his mother in the end. If he went on a vacation at this time and she passed - he might blame you. Try to be patient as this too shall pass.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
This same thought keeps resonating inside of me and I receive your advice. It is a difficult situation. I think I am feeling so drained because his mother has been interfering in our marriage for the past 18 years. Out of respect for her, I kept it quite but she saw the damage she did and never took responsibilities for her action. I do realize that this is a critical season for my husband and I truly want to be here for him. I will follow your advice, trying to do my best while stepping back and taking care of my own health. If she was to pass, I know he will need me beside him and truly, I want to be beside him in a such difficult time. Thank you so much for your feedback, I sincerely appreciate it.
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This is on your husband.
It is his place to set and keep boundaries that are important to keep his family intact. He obviously is not doing that.
Plan the vacation you want to go on. Plan it for yourself and kids if any. let him take MIL on the road trip and you enjoy your vacation.
While on vacation you need to do some thinking about what your next steps are.
Are you going to continue in this way, having your husband part time?
As she declines more he may feel obligated to do more. Can you accept that knowing that it is a "matter of time" (although you can not predict how much time) And there is a good possibility that he will feel obligated to be her caregiver 24/7. Are you in a position to help him? Or can you support him if that is his decision?
I suppose I have just asked more questions than you have...
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I have told my husband that when his mom gets in the last few weeks of her life, I will be here to support him and her. He knows that I am willing to do that and help him go through the pain because it is a difficult thing to go through. However, even though her kidney function has declined dramatically, it is amazing to me how she can still have so much energy, and make so many outrageous demands. So taking a vacation on my own now is an option and I am strongly considering it now, after reading all the messages on this forum. Thank you so much for your help, I truly appreciate it.
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It appears your DH has been in this role for a long time. He wants to look after his Mom - be the 'Good Son'.

He may think he (& by extention, you too) must provide everything she asks - that to refuse would make him a 'bad son'. It happens quite a lot actually.

Some take on all the care, tasks, duties etc because they can't actually say no. Never would think to try. They feel they have no right at all to ever say no. Not to family. Never to a parent.

These may stay enmeshed & often lose their partner/marriage instead.

Some even succumb to illness & disease before the elder/care recipient.

Others WANT to say no occasionally, want to help out but within reason. Can see when other help is needed to be added in (eg home help). These folk need support & the tools to get strong enough to make good boundaries. To say no when needed to effect positive change.

This works by not holding up the house of cards: not propping up DH so much, so he can't prop up MIL so much & then MIL gets forced into adding outside help. (This is often needed if the elder lacks insight into their needs).

The above is oversimplifying things. But asking DH what HE wants to do is very important & will help with understanding his motives.

I know this is just a forum of strangers... but read through people's stories if it helps you. See if any ideas or advice feels right.

Maybe even take yourself on a day trip to think things over.
Or consider talking to a trained therapist to help think things through. It doesn't have to be ALL MIL care or divorce him now. There are many middle pathways too.
Eg if you let your DH go now, let HIM see out this end stage with his Mother (without you) but said you'd be waiting when he eventually came home - is that something you'd consider?
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is so hard for me because in reality, I want to b here for him if something happen to his mom. I lost my mom years ago and he was here for me. So any move in that direction might really hurt him. I wish he was strong enough to tell his mom that she is affecting our marriage. Thank you for sharing your view, it does help me to see so much support on this forum.
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What is your MIL's financial situation? Could she afford a facility? Who is her POA/HCPOA? Are there other siblings? How did your H come to be the designated caregiver?

If not a month-long vacation, then at least consider taking a week or two. Is there a friend or relative that you would like to visit?

Does your H still work fulltime? How is he doing at his job, with all the additional stress of taking care of his mother?

(Why do you draw his bath and give him massages? He can't give you attention, so stop doing extra things for him because he insists on being MIL's caregiving slave.)
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
She is very comfortable financially. She just bought a 400k house at 81 years old and everything she wants or think she wants, she can get it in a heartbeat. Money is not an issue for her.

My husband works from home so he works sometimes very early in the morning and late at night so he can accommodate her during the day. She refuses any help, any homecare and say that she wouldn't be comfortable with anyone coming to her home. She is doing this on purpose so that my husband takes care of her to the full extend.

Thank you for your advises, I know I have to work on myself to see a change in this situation. i truly appreciate your feedback.
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dear OP!
:)

hug!!!

i hope you’re getting lots of great advice from everyone!! i hope the situation improves soon!!

“Sometimes, I have the feeling that my mother in law is doing this on purpose”

then i think you’re right.
we all have strong gut feelings. and if you feel it could be intentional, it very likely is.

hug!!!
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I wish she would be honest and say that she needs some extra TLC and that she would respect our marriage, our time and stop interfering. Life would be so much easier this way. Thank you for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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A few suggestions:

1) Have you got all her paperwork in order? POA, Hippa (including you on the Hippa ‘just in case DH is not well’), DNR, Will etc? She is legally competent to sign now, and she may not be in future. Even getting all the paperwork in order may be a step in her working out that her time is coming. She needs to know that (whether she likes it or not) she is going to need more help than DH can provide.

2) Do you have a detailed diagnosis for the End Stage Renal Disease, with information about what care she will need? And also a best-guess about how long she still has to live? If it’s not long, perhaps you can cope with more than if it’s 3+ years.

3) DH is spending his time looking after his mother, but you are spending your time looking after him. Can you get yourself out of the picture for a while – a fake illness, a need to visit your own relations, a booked holiday that you can’t cancel? You may be complaining, but you are still propping him up. If you can find a way to stop, he may be more realistic about what he can do and what are his own best interests. With you somewhere else, it isn't just an argument with you.

4) Can you find alternative transport to take her the 600 mile return trip while you are on vacation, for which of course she needs to pay? It’s easy for her to ask when there’s no down-side for her. Get the real costs on the table, for all of you.

I think it’s clear that elders often have good intentions, which fade from their minds as they age and any change seems too difficult. You have a marriage at stake, MIL has nothing to lose by insisting, and at present DH has nothing to lose by agreeing with mother. How can you change the dynamic? Perhaps these suggestions may prompt you to think of other approaches. Yours, Margaret
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Your suggestions are truly food for thought, never really thought about removing myself out of the picture and letting my husband deal with the situation while I take a step back and focus on myself. Each time he gets drained and burned out, I am here taking care of him, cooking, preparing his bath, giving him a massage ect,,,,

it breaks my heart to see him like this. But as soon as he is feeling better, he is back to the same routine with his mom, so that is the dynamic. And if I share with him how I feel about his lack of attention towards me, then I become the bad guy.

In reading your message, I see a new possibility. I can stop complaining and I can start making a change by simply changing the way I react to it. This is truly empowering.

Thank so you much for your feedback. I sincerely appreciate it.
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Here's hoping and wishing your struggle will end SOON. That would be a relief for everyone involved including MIL.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
It is so sad but in the same time, it will be a relief. I know that it is difficult to share with the in laws that you need a break sometimes, that you need your time with your husband. If only she did understand and make it easy for us, I would have never felt this way towards her. Right now, i can say, because of the difficult time she is putting us through, it is hard to appreciate quality moments with her because her presence alone brings so much negativity into our marriage. Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.
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Meh, take her with you. She will not last long.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about it too, it's just that I feel so drained myself. I work for myself and since last year, my results are lacking. I truly need to renew myself and take care of me. I may have to revisit the thought. Thank you so much for your feedback. I appreciate it.
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This is beyond excessive.

Tell your so that today is when he gets to choose. If he chooses her, he can go ahead and live with her for the month. Meanwhile your vacation will be a staycation in which you get your legal separation papers drawn up.

if this leech won’t get home care then she is left by herself until it’s so bad the state takes over if she doesn’t go to a home. It is a privilege to have any family help. If you can afford month long vacations then you don’t have to count on her condo or broken down house either.

You tried to lay down the law a year ago. Well this is the time to do it as he’s way too old to be married to mom.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about taking a vacation on my own, it would be weird because we usually travel together for the past 18 years. However, I can honestly say that I reached my breaking point. Thank you so much for your answer, I truly appreciate it.
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Take a vacation by yourself. Your husband can spend his time caring for Mom. Or take Mom the 600 miles and take a plane out of an airport nearby to your vacation destination. If she is in end stage of renal failure, she will not be here for a long time. Dialysis can only to so much.

Seems its a fight you are not going to win. You really do not want him blaming you because he feels he could have done more for her. Maybe a compromise. One day a week is for you two only. A date.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
I thought about traveling alone, I guess I am still in this phase wondering what it would do to our marriage. This is so insane that a mother in law would be so intrusive that she would have a such negative impact on her child's life. She is end stage renal failure, 15 gfr but she decided not to do dialisis. So the doctors are managing her symptoms at this point however, she has lots of energy which is very surprising. I guess I can compromise, I already take care of all of her doctors appointments, medications ect... and I go clean her house in full every now and then. Thank you so much for your answer, it is truly a blessing.
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CindyRella2022, please tell hubby that up to 40% of grown children who are caregivers to a parent die leaving behind the person they were caring. Then what would his mother do? She would be without her son, and you without a husband.

It is very difficult to say "no" to one's parent and to set boundaries. I know I had to learn to say "no, I cannot possible do that" for things I could no longer do.

My parents were viewing me as a 35 year old with a lot of energy instead of being 65 years old, with my own age related issues. Plus I was still working full-time. My energy levels were drained.

I really think your mother-in-law would be so much happier living in senior independent living where she is around people closer to her own age. I remember when I Dad moved from his house to his 2 bedroom apartment which had a living room and a complete eat-in kitchen he was happy as a clam. He wished he knew about such a place earlier on. He had weekly housekeeping and weekly linen service as part of his rent. Plus 3 menu meals in the restaurant style dining rooms. The women were all dressed to the nines.

As for hiring caregivers, your mother-in-law needs to pay for that, not you and your husband. Any retirement you and hubby have is there for your OWN retirement years. Otherwise your savings could be wiped out quickly if you start paying for Mom.

I wish you luck, this situation is a tough one.
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Yes same thing here, my husband is 50 and yet, she sees him as a teenager and she even complains that he is not as energetic as he used to be. About two years ago, she wanted to be in a nursing home, then she wanted an assisted living facility but then, she opted out to buy a house close to her son. She claims him like he is her husband, that makes me so upset at times.


Now, she refuses to hire any help, she refuses to hire home care, and she tells my husband that she is not comfortable with strangers coming to her house. So in other words, she is telling my husband that she wants him to do everything for her. Comes Sunday evening, she sends him a one mile list of things to do, from going to the store to cut her hair, cut her nails, cut the lawn, take her to the post office, pays bills online, call the bank ect... ecf... And everytime I try to reason my husband that she is exaggerating and that he can do a few things at the time instead of making the whole list a priority, he tells me that he got this and that he is happy to help her.

The part that hurts me the most is that all the energy and all the attention that he used to give me is now going towards her. Even though I can understand that this is his mother and that I am willing to share some of our time with her, it's getting insane.

Thank you so much for your answer, knowing that someone understands what I am going through makes the journey a little easier this evening.
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Just say no?
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CindyRella2022 Mar 2022
Yes, I say no quite often and usually I do say no when I am fed up. But when I think about the damage this woman has done into our lives, I feel like I might say one "no" too many and it will break us. So I am walking on eggshells, knowing that she is older and dealing with the late stage of a chronic disease. Thank you for your answer. I appreciate your feedback.
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