I'm 34/female and take care of my parents while living with them - mom more than dad. I have a full time job and work from home, and while it's a lot of stress to do this and look after my parents, I'm glad to have my own income.
There's no medical reason that my parents can't be left alone, yet my mom doesn't let me leave without her or my dad. She can barely walk but insists on going with me anywhere, or she'll force my dad to go with me, even just to get gas in the car.
Because of her lack of stamina at her age and her physical disabilities, she'll say "Let's hurry up, I want to get home" within 20 minutes of being out. And then it's a rush back home.
I feel so trapped. This is like prison. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream into my pillow every day. All I want is to go to the park and watch the sunset or drive around and look at the autumn leaves. I just want to "live" in these tiny little ways and get a mini break from always doing everything for my parents. But if I say I just want to go out, my mom throws a fit.
I understand that my mom is deeply struggling with losing her independence and aging, but I feel like I'm being pulled down with her. I wish I could elevate both of us. I feel bad for her, I truly do, but I can no longer give up my life for her.
Recently, I wanted to go out for fresh air. My mom tried to make my dad go with me because "He never gets out!". When I said no, my mom freaked out and started crying. She said to me, "How can you be so cold-hearted and selfish?!" Sorry mother, but I'm a 34 year old woman who thinks it would be a bit odd to go watch the sunset while listening to music with my father.
I don't know how to talk to her about this, but I also feel like I'll never get through to her. She doesn't believe in emotions or feelings, she's completely emotionally detached from me. She's obsessed with my dad and obsesses over making sure he has everything and is happy.
I love my parents, don't get me wrong, but this is too suffocating. I just want the little things in life like watching the sunset and going to get a pumpkin for Halloween. I'm missing out on these little things that break the cycle of monotony of everyday life. Back in my 20s I dated someone for a few months (of course I had to lie and sneak out in those days), and I got a taste of what it felt like to get dressed up and go out for dinner on a Saturday night, and I CRAVE that again.
I'm not asking to circumnavigate the globe. I just want little things, otherwise life is feeling like a prison. I sit in this apartment all day and I feel like my body is literally rotting in this chair. At the same time, I feel absolutely horrible that I want to get away from my parents.
I guess I just want someone to tell me that I'm not alone, or at least someone out there can sympathize. I feel so trapped and so alone. I feel like I am missing out on my life. I'll never have a family of my own, it's too late for that. I just want to do something outside of working and caring for them. Anything.
If your job doesn't pay you enough to afford housing where you currently live, why don't you look into a lower cost of area to move to?
Do you have medical insurance? Even if you don't, I would try to find a licensed clinical social worker who charges a sliding scale fee. You are in desperate need of therapy to support you in your beginning your journey to independence.
Being able to say "no" to one's parents is one of the hallmarks of being an adult.
If you can, starting taking that first step today.
Also please read Dr. Cloud's Book "Becoming an Adult: Advice on taking control and living a happy and meaningful life."
If you're only 34 years old, then how old are your needy parents? They probably aren't any older than I am (I'm 65).
The problem from what I can tell, is enmeshment and codependence, and highlevel manipulation.
It sounds like you've been trained from the get-go to serve the needs of your controlling, needy parents.
You deserve better. You deserve the freedom that you crave. It will take time, but you can break the emotional chains that are tying you to your parents and their demands.
So what if you mother gets mad. It's her anger so let her have it. Same thing with all of her emotions and behaviors. Right now they are paying off for her because she is controlling you. Your mother isn't going to suddenly wake up and stop what she's doing - you have to stop it.
It pains me to hear of anyone as young as you going through this. Ugh. Please begin to take the steps to break free.
Peace.
Your mom is a monster (yeah, she's mentally ill - and so are a lot of people but they don't act like this). She controls you by having what we in the South call a hissy fit when you try to do something for yourself. The good news is that YOU CAN STOP THIS. That bad news is that YOU DON'T KNOW HOW.
I am so sorry. Heed what others have advised you. You can learn. The first thing you could do is let mom scream and yell and threaten, then walk out the door and do what YOU want for a while. Do it today. Next thing you could do is go stay in a hotel overnight to get the feeling of what it might be like to be alone. Take yourself to dinner in the hotel dining room, alone, all dressed up. And so on. Mom might even be a bit nicer to you when you go back home, if you do. Unless she's expired from her hissy fit, which they never do.
I wish you luck.
I knew that there was clearly a lot left out of it.
Now I read your responses and I KNOW that there was a lot left out of it.
First and foremost, that your mother is untreated bi polar disordered.
That says it all.
First let me recommend to you Liz Sheier's memoir Never Simple about her LIFELONG attempts to care for her mentally disordered mother along with the auspices of the entire State and City of New York. ALL TO NO AVAIL.
That is to say, you CANNOT HELP your parents.
You say you have a "full time job" yet you tell us that you cannot move because you and your parents have no home and cannot afford to live separately apart from one another. This then is not a very good job; it cannot allow you to afford a ROOM for rent? With a roommate?
I do thank you for being so communicative with us. But in the home of an unmedicated, mentally ill woman who cannot care for herself because of mobilitiy issues, and a father who apparently cannot do anything about any of this, I think that you will not thrive. You are going to need to go out on your own and you are going to need to leave Dad with the emergency numbers to contact. He well may need to put his wife into care for his own protection.
Your own life is currently going up in smoke on the burning funeral pyres of your parents and this is a very slow burn. But the end results are inevitable. You say that moving now will leave you homeless and living in your care, and your parents as well? Doesn't that seem inevitable at this point? Whether today or tomorrow or when you are 50 isn't that the outcome of this eventually?
You need to avail yourself through your local council on aging and any organizations involving the care of the mentally ill in your area. You need to call APS.
What is going on here is not sustainable. And yes, I see the tents of the homeless mentally ill all OVER my city. I simply don't want YOU in one of them.
I cannot believe in all honesty that this hasn't yet broken YOU mentally.
See the doctor. Get social workers. It is time that there are some answers in this, or it is time for you to walk out the door with a small suitcase and go to a shelter, reporting your parents to APS as you leave.
You deserve your own life. You mom and dad aren’t going wake up one day and say you have done enough and give you encoragement to be independent. You have to make it happen. I like the baby steps idea. Also the researching options. They may qualify for disability which would get them income to help pay for a facility or in home care or something.
you have already taken a step by saying you crave time alone. You deserve it and need your own life. I hope you get it and soon!!
I also can't imagine you living in an apt together. No way of getting away. I think you need help. Maybe a therapist to help you set boundaries. Looks like your on your way. Maybe just put your coat on, walk to the door and say "Will be back in a hour or so". Don't even give Mom the chance to say anything. Maybe after work, don't go home right away. Do something with a coworker. When Mom says your selfish, tell her no, she is to expect you not to have a life of your own.
What I'm reading here is a call for help wanting someone to commiserate who is in the same boat. The only thing this will do is keep you in the same frame of mind, but you won't move forward.
I'm one who has been on both sides of the track. I had a mother who was an alcoholic and gave birth to a severely disabled child. I ended up caring for them both. In the end, Ma had made herself sick from drinking and cancer she was no longer able to care for my sister. I went through the placement process, getting her in a day program of course with the help of a social worker. Dad exploited the situation for himself, remarried, and expected me to pay for a loan he wanted to take out on the house so he and his wife could go riding off in the sunset. If it weren't for my support group and those tough ladies in Al-Anon, I would be in bondage today. I pay rent. I look back at my life and wonder what it would look like if I hadn't been groomed to take care of other people. I had set my own goals to the side to take care of someone else's dysfunction.
I was an oops baby born to parents later in life. I was a pain in the rear to them. I use to wander out in the street chasing a ball. Heaven knows where both parents were at the time. Another time I was sent to the store alone and a woman tried to get me in her car. They were kidnapping children back then and a warning had been issued by the school. I was the kid who was the garbage dump. Groomed early to take the blame for problems that were not of my making. In most cases, I was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Madison, it would also be helpful to us to know more about you, and your life if you can fill out the profile page.
I think in this case you need to start with you, and your mental health. I think you really need therapy, I know that is expensive, if there is anyway you can figure that out, on a way to get it.
In the meantime I would read up on codependency. Your mom, expesially made you very codependent. Google everything you can find. I would read Melody Beattys book , codependency No More. That is an older book, there may be newer ones that you relate to better being younger, I'm not sure, but that book helped me find my independence years ago, tremendously.
You, need to realize that you need to take care of yourself, your mental and physical self , needs to be your priority. I feel like you probably need much more self esteem, to realize you deserve better!
Mom is going to fight you, mom is not going to be happy with you. That is just something you are going to have to accept.
We have a women that ask us questions now and again. You remind me of her. Or more you remind me of what your life will be like in your 60s if you keep this up.
She is 60 , her parents in there 90s, they live in the same building, her parents run her whole life, and she will not break away for nothing. She writes in ask us questions, but will do nothing to change her life or stick up for herself. Her name is Romeo, if you want to look up her threads, to learn what you don't want to become.
You got some work to do to gain your independence.
If you notice I haven't mentioned your parents, because this is about you, not them. Parents that do what your parents did to you, make me angry , it's you I worry about.
I have a 34 year old son, if he was living his life to take care of me , it would break my heart. Honestly id rather be long dead and buried than to do this to any of my children.
I am so sorry, please stick around here, we will try and help you figure this out. Some information you will take , some may not be what you want, take what works for you.
With things like "gray rock" and meditation. There is lots of info here.
If you don’t find an option, you are stuck with this until your parents die. They are not going to change to better behavior, they are going to get worse.
If you DO find an option, you need to know that they are not going to like it. You as financial support, care slavery, and your total life devoted to them, is their best option. To change it, you must accept that there will be melt downs, guilt trips, accusations, anger etc etc etc. There is no ‘magic wand’ that will make them ‘nicer’ or ‘more reasonable’.
But take the first step now. Find out your options. It’s more sensible than assuming that you are all going to end up living in cars.
In the meantime, you can start to have a life even under less-than-optimal conditions--if you claim your right to do so. Maybe begin by informing your parents that you will be taking "afternoons off" on the weekend, by yourself (mom not invited even if she pitches a hissy fit!). Go to the library or a movie (cheaper tickets in the daytime). If the weather is decent, try a walk in the park, if possible, or in your neighborhood if it's safe. Go visit a "cat cafe" if there's one in your area and you like kitties. Check your local paper for free or low-cost activities. Baby steps.
I like your idea of small steps, I will work hard to do just that. There are plenty of things to do around here that cost little to nothing.
Tell them no. Let her cry. Straighten her out when she says you are mean.
You deserve me time where you can nurture yourself. You didn’t cause them to age and there is nothing you can do to make them happy.
Have you thought about going to therapy? You need boundaries and to learn and develop skills for this situation.
but, yeah, so what who cares if your mother gets upset. Oh well.
I hope you can engage with some resources soon so you can enjoy life, it's not too late for you 🥺. I know you know the way things are now is not sustainable. I'm so sorry, I know it feel hopeless and insurmountable... Save yourself you are young, you mentioned counseling in another post, please do engage with someone. There is a document a caregiver support person shared with me called a caregivers bill of rights, please Google it. You deserve happiness and a full life.
While your mother's overprotection is a concern, I cannot know where, when or how it began. Nor the real reasons for her concern. I feel like I am missing some piece of information that's crucial to understanding all this.
You say that you feel trapped in a prison and feel unable to leave.
Can you tell me what exactly it is you suppose will happen if you leave home tomorrow with some of your savings and rent a small apartment nearby to your parents?
You are 34, which is well into adulthood, and have a F/T job. I was married and essentially on my own at 21; many young people live independently well before that. Time to try it, IMO. You should NOT have to "sneak out" like a 14 Y/O to get some time for yourself!
I'd try to get at least once or several times daily on your own.
Go to the park. Join a yoga class. Go to religious services. Take some other classes.
Get therapy for yourself. Get your nails done. Get your hair done. Go to the library. Go out for coffee. Walk around the Mall.
Go see a friend. Go out on some dates.
They are fine alone. Let them be alone.
Then go out. So Mom gets mad . Too bad , she will have to deal with it.
Tell her you need a life outside of the apartment to see people your own age .
I would think about telling your parents that this is no longer working and they need to go to senior living .
As already said Mom may have dementia .
You are not responsible for their happiness . You should not give up your life . Your mother should be encouraging you to go live your life , instead of taking it out on you that she is declining and making you suffer for it . You should not be housebound just because she is .
You WILL rot in place if you continue on this path! You deserve a life of your own, a husband, children, the whole 9 yards. Your parents can go to Senior Living or hire in home help. You don't mention their ages or why they require you to live with them, other than losing her independence and aging? She has dad to help her and to talk to.
You really need to be out on your own at 34 and not be tied down to them like this, that's not how life is supposed to work.
I'm sure you're not alone in missing out on your life or feeling trapped. I hope someone comes along who's put themselves in the same boat to commiserate with you. I suggest you tell them you're moving out, you love them dearly, but it's time now. Wouldn't they like grandkids? Or for you to be happy?
Best of luck to you.
(Edited to add this) Mom has not been tested for dementia. It may be safe to get a test done but I highly doubt it. She is manic bipolar so I think that's what is happening. She takes no medication nor receives treatment for her condition because she doesn't "believe" in feelings and emotions.
They've never had a life. They've never had friends in my lifetime, they've never been out as a couple, they never do anything separately. Their lives have revolved around me exclusively for 34 years. So you would think any parent would love to be a grandparent, but not them. The 3 of us are very much emotionally enmeshed. I think at my age and in my situation, having my own family is off the table. Sure I can still get married at any age, but I don't see myself meeting someone and having a child within the next 6 years before I hit 40, unless I would adopt which would be a beautiful thing.
They can't be all that old if you're only 34.....what maybe in their 50's early 60's tops?
Sadly it sounds like you have an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with your parents and it really is time to cut the proverbial apron strings, so you can spread your wings and fly.....far far away from your mom and dad. And to a life full of all the sunsets and pumpkin picking your little heart can handle.
But you'll never be able to do those things as long as you're stuck living with your parents who have a strong hold over you. And quite honestly your parents should NOT require ANY care from you at their young ages, as they have each other for when they really do start to age and have issues.
We are NOT responsible for our parents at any point along the way, and they are only responsible for us until we become an adult, and then we are to leave and make a life of our own.
You are well beyond being an adult now, so it's time to start acting like one. So start looking for your new place tonight and make a plan to move out in a months time. You'll be so glad you did. And just think about how many sunsets you can go and enjoy all by yourself.