I have a question-my parents are still in their home..my mom is 82 with dementia, but not to the point she needs to go into a facility..in fact she still drives to the grocery store. My dad takes her out for date night once a week and she has a “strong” whiskey and water and a glass of wine. She gets drunk off these two drinks. I’ve told her the drinking needs to stop and she tells me there’s no point in living if she can’t have a drink three times a week. She gets very upset and there’s lots of screaming and yelling on her part. Well the last two times my parents went out she got violent in the car while he was driving. Hitting him, slapping, scratching him while he’s driving to the point he’s swerving and he ends up bleeding. Last night he called me very upset. He wondered about calling 911 the next time it happens, but changed his mind because he doesn’t want her to have police record because he’s afraid it might affect their insurance. I don’t know enough about this, but that couldn’t affect their long term insurance or supplemental insurance in any way could it? We are at our wits end and it’s getting worse with her. If we called adult protective services, what would they do? Their house is filthy which once had been gorgeous. She doesn’t care and says they don’t entertain anymore what difference does it make. You can’t talk to her about that either. I’ve even tried to clean their house and she gets mad. How do I convince her that the house needs to be cleaned? How do we control the violence? I would love to have the police called because I’m hoping they would put her in the hospital and finally diagnose her. We’re at a loss!
Your mother sounds like a mean drunk, but if this behavior continues at home when she’s sober, you need to get her to the doctor, tested and evaluated. You need to find out if she really SHOULD be driving. Again, she could cause an accident.
Advocate for your dad and get her help. It can’t really be pleasant for him to live like this.
It sounds like a complete physical and mental evaluation would be needed to see what is going on, rule out physical ailments that are causing her behavior, etc. Some conditions render the person incapable of realizing what is going on with their cognition. I'd be very cautious about it and treat it as an emergency, possibly removing all weapons and sharp objects from the home. And, not getting into a car with her either.
Your mother needs immediate psychiatric hospitalization and treatment.
When (not if) you dad keels over from a heart attack brought on by stress, where will mom end up?
"It might affect their insurance."
"She might get an arrest record."
All of the above are irrational excuses.
Get the help they both need.
Your Mom is a vulnerable adult with an illness, not a criminal.
Your Dad could have driven her to the ER room without involving police.
Lisa, You were right to reach out ahead of time to avoid any disasters.
You've got this!
*Yes, UTI may be a contributing factor to her agitation.
*Yes, call 911. She'll get diagnosed and treated in the hospital.
*She will be referred to a neurologist and prescribed with anti-psychotic drugs.
*If she has problem taking meds, request for the patch form and placed on her back where she can't reach it and pull it off.
*Whenever they go out is maybe the best time to bring in cleaners.
*Schedule a weekly visit to the beauty shop for her hair and to have those nails clipped or filed real short.
*Hide all sharps in the house where she would never find.
*Have a caregiver come in on a regular basis to monitor and help with the Activities of Daily Living. Check with her Long Term Care Insurance about reimbursing her caregiving expenses.
*Do not be afraid to contact protective services. You'll need to protect your dad and other people.
It is overwhelming and heartbreaking to see them like that but things will be better once she gets medical attention.