I'd like to know what your life was like after your long-term abusive partner died. I have been married 40 years and VA has been present from the beginning. When your spouse passed, were you relieved or did the damage continue on? Did your life get better or was it wrecked?
I'm asking this question because I want to have some idea what to expect. My spouse has RA and it is my understanding that some RA sufferers can have a shortened lifespan. No, I don't want my wife to pass away, but I feel I have to be informed and not live in denial. She has an aggressive type of RA and she is on some pretty dangerous stuff, so I'm concerned.
Presently I help my wife with my MIL and of course I take care of my wife too. I recently lost my Dad to vascular dementia. Mercifully, he just faded away. I still have my mother and we haven't started that caregiving journey yet.
I got into my situation with VA because I was a nobody on the dating scene back then. My experience with women was so limited that I didn't see it coming. Instead of leaving, I stayed and stuck it out. I can't say there has been any benefit from all the VA except that I understand others who are going through it.
Thanks
There has been some very thoughtful advice on the forum in the past, asking if it is advisable for someone being abused to be a caregiver at all for the abuser.
Think about this part seriously. Maybe therapy can help you?
Still, many cannot or will not leave, and risk their own health, both mental and physical, as well as risking the person's health they are caregiving.
Maybe start with bringing in an assistant, housekeeper, or even a friend.
Often, the abuser behaves better in the presence of others. It can show you that it is possible for the abuser to control themselves. If the person can control themselves, it is time to remove yourself from the abuse. Now.
Others can discuss the many ways to plan your exit.
If you find that the abuser cannot control themselves, it is time for an assessment for placement or a professional caregiver, an intervention.
It may help to ask what others have done, so you feel not so alone. Many victims of abuse are stuck in denial, in a brain fog. Can you focus on you, how you feel, what your life is like, and how you can change it?
Maybe just for today, you can search the song titled: "50 ways to leave your lover".
It's never good to suffer Verbal Abuse.
Can you: leave the room?
Refuse to respond?
Leave for 1 hour?
Say "don't talk to me that way" and leave for a set period of time?
What power does she hold over you that you're not able to leave or make this situation better?
You are something of a hero. Just, perhaps not a role model.
Do you want this to change, or are you afraid of what it will be like when it stops?
Do you feel controlled by fear of verbal abuse? I only ask because I personally can't imagine verbal abuse limited to words alone. Mental and emotional must come into it, surely.
Is your wife's illness (I know RA is incredibly painful at times) making things worse?
It may help to find out why you put up with this. I think on her part it may have become a habit. You never said anything so she sees no problem. I get that TONE (my DH calls it) and I am told about it. It comes from impatience. I have no patience. Or she is a Narcissist and if so, you will never win. You have to ask yourself if you plan on dealing with this for the rest of her life or your life.
While you may not have 'seen it coming' with the verbal abuse from your wife back then, you've been dealing with it for 40 YEARS now! You say instead of leaving, "I stayed and stuck it out." Your life isn't over yet, so don't act like since you 'stayed' you now HAVE TO STAY for the rest of your life, counting down the days until your wife dies in order to find freedom! Martyrdom gets you nowhere, my friend! Of course there is no 'benefit' to verbal abuse, how can there be?
A good therapist or psychologist can help you figure out why you've stayed in this dysfunctional marriage for so long, and give you some coping tips and/or tips on how to disentangle yourself from it. I don't think it's your 'lot in life' to be the caregiver for a verbally abusive wife who can live until she's 95, or the caregiver for HER mother, for petesake, or even for your own mother (in a hands on way, at least). What about YOU? When does YOUR life matter? How about NOW!
I hope you can see the forest through the trees here, and 'hear' the advice you're being given by us on the forum. I truly do.
Wishing you the best life has to offer now b/c you deserve it.