Follow
Share

My mother and I have an estranged relationship. I was put into foster care at the age of 13 due to physical abuse. After becoming an adult and getting married, I decided to try to have a relationship with my mother which turned out to be one of the worst mistakes I could have made. Mostly due to the fact she was abusive even in my adult age and was abusive towards my children. She also has tried to claim that she hired a hitman to kill my husband. After all of this, I cut all ties once and for all... 3 years ago I get a call from a psych ward she was in that she needed placement into an assisted living facility, which I did help her with. Even after my husband and I helped her with that, it turned out to be the same thing. As always, she threatened us, wanted to have us arrested and killed. Even telling all of the workers at the assisted living facility that she wanted nothing to do with me. Now 3 years later, I am receiving a call for the first time from the assisted living facility letting me know that if I do not respond to them in 72, hours they are going to call adult protective services. I have had to protect myself and my family over these years and have been advised, even by my own therapist, not to have anything to do with my mother. I don't know what is going to happen next. Can someone please give me some insight or advice as to what I need to do or what can happen?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Please note, this post is over 4 months old. OP has not been back since then.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Forgot to mention: When my mom's social worker told me to step back from caregiving, she said they get a family like ours about every 6 months. This is not a rare situation and you don't have to feel embarrassed or guilty about it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
AlvaDeer Mar 2023
She certainly is correct about THAT. There are so many on this Forum who don't walk away, and they honestly sacrifice their lives to the point of mental and physical illness for no net gain to anyone. It makes no sense but it happens all the time.

People who neither caused nor can fix the lives of their parents go to tragic lengths to try to change the outcome.
(4)
Report
If APS calls you, when they mention your mom say, "I'm sorry, who?"

That'll give them an idea of the extent of your relationship.

Don't worry -- she won't be abused or shut in a closet somewhere. She'll receive the care she needs without anyone involved carrying the emotional baggage that plagues you. It's best for all involved.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

My mom's social worker actually came right out and told me to walk away and said it was not my problem if other family members wouldn't step up.

Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.

You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you so much... I really needed to hear this!!!
(6)
Report
My mom's social worker actually came right out and told me to walk away and said it was not my problem if other family members wouldn't step up.

Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.

You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Is your mother deemed mentally competent?

"3 years ago I get a call from a psych ward she was in that she needed placement into an assisted living facility, which I did help her with."

What kind of help did you provide? Who signed the contract for the ALF?

Who is her POA/HCPOA?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

If the AL was demanding an answer from you, it would have sent you a certified letter, return receipt requested. Don’t call back.

I doubt this will escalate, it sounds like it is part of the process that needs to be done to remove her from the facility. If it does escalate, then retain a lawyer and have them communicate to you via your lawyer.

Protect your mental health and do not engage.

This must have opened up a lot of old wounds for you. Very awful. Your mother doesn’t deserve any help from you.

Take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Just to clarify: a care provider most certainly will have to demonstrate that they have attempted to contact a resident's family and given the family a reasonable amount of time to respond before they refer the resident to the state authorities.

Imagine what fur might fly if this wasn't done!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

I'm so sorry for the past hurts. For the hand you were delt. Full credit to you for moving forward with your life & steering yourself.

"I am receiving a call for the first time from the assisted living facility".

Edited as read all the replies now.

You are not her legal POA/Guardian. Tell the AL this.

I think Country Mouse explained it well - the AL Manager may have felt the need to attempt to call family before contacting APS. They can tick that box now. The language they used seemed intimidating... certainly would be a shock to hear.

Maybe your Mother is needing a different living arrangement but lacks insight/judgement to discuss or arrange? Maybe the AL is unable to manage her behaviour or care needs? If these are the facts it does not follow you need to get involved - that you have any obligation to arrange her life.

You have probably come across F.O.G? (Fear Obligation Guilt). It is apty named. This fog can cloud us. I hope some of the replies can help you to see through any fog - see things clearly.

This new contact from the AL has no bearing on your decision to be estranged or not. That remains your decision. No-one has the right to undo it.

You can get involved OR NOT at your decision. Use that past experience to guide you.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Rachel,

I am so glad that you are not POA for your mom. I wouldn’t want to have any responsibilities concerning her care. After how she has behaved, she doesn’t even deserve to have a relationship with you or your husband.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

APS is called in because the woman has no one. Not because they feel the OP needs to care for her. They said they will give her 72 hrs to call back, she doesn't call back. Let them do what they need to do. Her Mom was placed in a safe place. There is no abuse there. And no law that says u must care for a parent. Especially, when their is proof of abuse.

I would say that the AL has to show they tried to make contact before APS was called in. I would not call the AL. They gave OP 72 hours. No call from her so onto APS.

Good that you took no responsibility for her. Sounds like ur DH will stand with you. NO is a one word sentence. Don't say yes to anything. They will say they can help you find resources but that is not so. Its very hard to place a mentally ill person. The State will get her placed a lot quicker.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Countrymouse Mar 2023
If the OP calls the ALF and consents to the proposed referral to APS, it can go ahead that much quicker.

It will also save APS's then having to dilly about trying to contact the OP to ask the same questions.
(5)
Report
See 1 more reply
Ring the facility and tell them you are fine with their contacting APS. The 72 hour window is there to allow family members to become involved if they want to. You don't want to, for very good reasons. It's all okay.

If you want to be kept informed tell them that too. Try not to worry that people have some kind of agenda to force you into taking responsibility for your mother. The services who will be making best interest decisions on your mother's behalf are not likely to recommend that her guardian should be the person she has alternately abused and rejected over decades.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
This is how I see it too. By avoiding any contact with the facility it may appear that she is hiding something.

Just deal with it, as annoying as it is, then move forward with her life.
(2)
Report
Understand, Rachel, that on some level this facility, any contacts who call you just want your Mom OFF THEIR PLATE. They want you to say "I will fly right in and take her" or "I will fly right in and move her" or or or or. They will threaten and cajole. Tell them that one phrase, that you are NOT her POA or GUARDIAN and you WILL NEVER BE, that you are estranged from her and frightened of her, that she should be reported to the state as a senior in need of guardianship of the state.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
That's exactly what my husband was suggesting since I do not have POA or anything like that .. I'm only listed as a contact.... Thank you again so much
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do you have her legal authority (POA, conservatorship, guardianship)? Or are you simply her closest living relation (next of kin)?
This is important because if you have any kind of legal authority for her then you will have to formally relinquish this over to the state.
If you don't and you are merely her listed contact then you don't have to respond at all. Let them call APS. They will mke her a ward of the state.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
AlvaDeer Mar 2023
Yes, absolutely. IF she is POA or guardian she might need to see Elder Law Attorney for legal resignation as same. I don't get the impression she ever took this on. Nowhere does she suggest she did.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
Oh wow, Rachel. Just read your profile. You’re in Louisiana. So am I.

I’m in New Orleans. I haven’t been to Bossier City where you are. That’s near Shreveport, isn’t it?
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Yes it is like ten mins away from Shreveport
(2)
Report
YOU are not responsible for your mother,.
Do not let them steamroll you into doing anything that is not safe for you or your family.
I am sure you have plenty of documentation as to her abuse. If APS does come knocking answer their questions, do not elaborate.
If necessary you could get a lawyer involved but I do not think that will be needed.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you so very much
(0)
Report
Don't let them snow you.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Just ignore the assisted living facility. Never do anything to help your mother again. She is a sick, defective, child abuser. People like this deserve the death penalty. Let her become a ward of the state if thats what it comes down to. The nerve of this facility trying to bully and threaten you.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you so much for your reply!!!! I couldn't believe how the facility has acted!!
(3)
Report
I'm also chiming in to give you my support - stay strong and don't allow anyone to bully you into accepting one iota of responsibility for this woman!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you so very much!!!!!
(0)
Report
Her needs are beyond the ALF. Do not get involved AT ALL.

Please come back to update us if they contact you again, and you (hopefully!) tell them you cannot and will not get involved.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
They said they would be contacting them within 72 hours if I do not comply.... I will definitely give an update... Thank you
(3)
Report
You are not responsible for this woman whatsoever. Just because she gave birth to you does not mean that she is or ever was a good mother to you.

You were placed in a foster home due to abuse. Clearly, she has mental health issues. You owe her nothing.

I understand that you would have liked to reconnect with her and build a relationship but she isn’t capable of doing that. I’m so sorry.

If you must meet with the staff at the assisted living facility, then go ahead, but why in the world would APS be involved?

You haven’t done anything wrong and have tried to help her even though she doesn’t deserve your help. She is the one who has threatened you and your husband.

The burden of proof that you are wrong must be presented by her. She has no evidence of anything!

Resolve this matter at hand, then wash your hands of it. Walk away and never look back.

You deserve to be happy and live in peace. Enjoy your own family which doesn’t include her.

Best wishes to you and your husband.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
(1)
Report
See 3 more replies
You tell the AL to do what they need to. Your Mom is mentally ill, abused you physically as a child and makes threats to you and your family. For the safety and mental heath of your family you need to walk away. Actually, when the Psych unit called you could have told them, sorry, I was taken away from my Mother at 13 for abuse. I have not seen or heard from her since and then hung up.

APS will probably call you. Tell them you will not take on the responsibility of your Mom. She is mentally ill, has threatened to have your family killed and abused you as a child and the reason u were placed in foster care. You have tried to help but had to walk away. Tell them to do what they need to. What will happen is a guardian will be assigned by the State. That person will be responsible for her care. You will not have to be involved at all. If the guardian calls just say, sorry I want nothing to do with her.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you from the bottom of my heart I have been a mess with this entire situation and all the triggers have come back full circle where my mother is concerned.... I tried, I promise I tried so hard as I became an adult thinking I was doing the right thing but it the end the results were always the same.
(3)
Report
They can call whomever they would like to call.

You are under ZERO obligation to your mother. If you are contacted by APS tell them that you are completely estranged from your mother, who in all likelihood is mentally ill, and who has threatened the lives of your family. Tell them that you REFUSE to have anything whatsoever to do with this woman who you no longer consider to be in any way a relative of your. Tell APS that you hope that your mother will become a ward of the state, and wish the state good luck in dealing with her.

The end.
Again, you are under no obligation to have anything whatsoever to do with you mother UNLESS you take on guardianship, POA or conservatorship of her; see to it that you do not.

Please get and read the book by Liz Scheier, a memoir, called Never Simple. Ms. S. attempted to help her mother for many decades, along with the city and state of New York. Nothing worked.

Stay away from this woman. Sadly she is your mother by accident of birth. There is no reason she need to anything else in your life. I am so very sorry. Make a family you can shower with loving care and take great delight in. I wish you the best.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I know in my heart of hearts staying away from her was what I had to do, but I let my emotions get the best of me thinking once again I was the bad guy and all this was my fault like I did as a child because of the abuse
(2)
Report
See 1 more reply
Do you know why they want to speak to you?
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
In the message that was left they stated that she has been violent and threatened other residents as well as staff and is no longer caring for herself
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
She needs to become a ward of the state. Have nothing to do with her.

Please protect yourself and your family.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
rachaelannlee34 Mar 2023
Thank you so much for answering.... I am a complete wreck at this point. I appreciate your reply more than you know
(3)
Report
See 1 more reply
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter