I know I can't, and I won't, but I do think about it. I've got my Dad settled in assisted living but I'm still responsible for the bills, the appointments, the medical stuff, the weekly shopping and my siblings only participate to accuse me of stuff (based on what Dad says). I also get all the anger, resentment, and accusations.
What would happen if I just… stopped? I don't care about the money, he's got enough to last several years and I don't want it. I dream about running away, not from my husband and kids, but from my Dad. Just being like "love you, see you at Christmas" the way my sister does. Is that feasible? Someone else would take charge, right?
The next option is to stop for a week or a month. A fake holiday out of phone contact, if you want. Your father is not going to die of neglect in that time, your siblings might (just might) step up, and your father might get a better idea of how much he should be grateful for. Give it a try!
If dad has mobility issues ask his doctor to order home health for him. That will give him more personal interaction, his medical care can be tracked weekly, many things like blood work and X-rays can be done in his room. Pt and/or OT as well. Telemed is a great way to see doctors.
If sis complains ask her when she is moving dad closer to her so she can take over. If she says dad is complaining to her, tell her to suck it up, that you don’t care, if she can do better, come do it. Tell her it is stressful enough to do the job and then have her make remarks. If she thinks the ALF needs to do more, give her their number. When dad acts out, simply leave. Tell him you will see him at Christmas. Stand up for yourself and your family. Good luck.
I agree - talk to the ALF team and make a plan. It doesn't have to get messy. You'd better keep control of the bills, they can sort out the services he needs, you just sign the checks on his behalf.
Amazon, Instacart with grocery store is your friend. I managed my mom long distance. So you only go every other week or every 3 ?? That alone may be enough to take off some of your stress ..
Ignore the side comments from family….
get the in house care physicians group on board.
Perhaps you need to make some definitive statements -- "I'm going to be unavailable to care for Dad from [insert dates]. It's [insert sibling's name here] turn to take over."
I guess then you'll see if someone else takes charge.
If you could give up one onerous task today, what would it be? I would start by making a list of what the most draining responsibilities to you are. This list will help guide what type of helper you'd need.
You should be honest with your siblings and tell them you wish to change the care responsibilities or resign because you are burned out with everything since you're getting no help with anything. Let them know that the alternatives are for your Dad (or siblings) to cough up the money to pay for help, or guardianship by the county.
If you just walked away, someone still needs to legally be able to make decisions for him and manage his affairs, so this would be either a PoA or guardian. If you are PoA you could resign and your Dad would need to assign someone else, if he's competent to do so. If no one is his PoA then this is one less step to take. Outside of this, the county or some other person would need to acquire guardianship for him, then no family needs to manage his affairs or make decisions for him once he is incapacitated. But the guardian then gets to call all the shots, and it isn't necessarily a contentious relationship since the guardian is to act in their ward's best interests.
If you are POA and he is competent you can resign the with a lawyer letter. You should go to all entities you are registered with and tell them that you are no longer responsible for paying his bills and are not the POA. The State may take guardianship if he is no longer competent as someone needs to do this and it is clear others won't. You could pay a Certified Licensed Fiduciary to do this as well.
Basically it is up to you, as there will be nothing easy or perfect here as a solution. Do know if you resign and the state has to take on a conservatorship there will be a fiduciary and you nor any other family can have input into placement, and etc.
Not everyone HAS a family to take on their problems. They are cared for by becoming a ward of the state. This can be the case for your Dad as well. I wish you the best in this difficult decision.