My father lives with me and has dementia and now can't drive for the last year, although he is still keen except for when he has to talk about the past which he tends to mix up.
My brother who has POA, is demanding that he sell his car as it represents a cost of maintenance and insurance. He likes riding in his car and when we go out we take it.
My brother is harassing him about selling his car to the point that he is now getting great anxiety about it, doesn't want to take calls from him, etc. I'm the one who has to calm him down, etc.
I have told my brother that dad is coming round to the idea of selling it, but he is comfortable with his old car and to continue this tack is only counterproductive to the family relationship. There is no talking my brother out of his position and he keeps sending snarky emails to him and me.
Any thoughts?
Ask your dad to remove brother as POA and make you POA. It's not much fun to be POA, but since you are dad's caregiver and he lives with you, it's imperative that you be the one in charge. I would never be a caregiver of someone for whom I wasn't POA! The way it is now, brother has to okay everything (hired help when you need it, move to a facility if dad needs it, disbursement of funds, and much more). This is never a good situationss, for reasons that you've already found out.
If your father enjoys riding in his car, you don't mind taking him, and no one is asking your brother to pay for the upkeep of it, there really shouldn't be a problem.
If your brother starts with the harassment over selling the car with your father in your house tell him the following plainly:
'The sale of the car will not put any money in your hand because the proceeds of it will go to dad's care which I provide and you don't. So the harassing our father over it stops now or you can leave my house. If you insist on continuing, I will call the police and have you thrown out'.
This should do it. Your brother has no right to harass your father or you for that matter. Don't allow it anymore. Then put your father in the car and take him to a lawyer and get the POA changed. You're the one doing all the caregiving work here so it should be you making the financial and property decisions too.
Are you in the US? Idk how it works when dad lives with you but your bother has POA.
I do think your dad should be able to keep things that bring him joy, within reason.
Your brother is POA.
WHY does he want to see this car?
Is it because the money is needed for your father's care?
Is he, your brother, currently paying bills and handling your father's finances?
Is the insurance putting too much of a burden on your father's finances? Is the upkeep of the car? Because, quite honestly keeping an car no one is using is wasteful.
Who cares for your father? The way you write makes it sound as tho father lives with YOU and that your brother as POA is handling finances now your father cannot. Do you have a care contract for shared living costs?
If this is the ONLY thing at issue between yourself and your brother I am relieved to hear it. In my own opinion your insistence on keeping this car because of father's attachment isn't realistic unless there is money to burn. It's magical thinking. Will your father feel yet another loss with this car? Of course. Life for the elderly is, sadly, FULL of loss.
On the other hand, if brother is selling and pocketing money, then THAT is also not good.
We can't know the details here.
I am hoping that this is the worst of your problems, but that the two of you cannot work together on such a small thing doesn't bode well for the future, imho. I wish you all three the very best.
If riding in the care makes the father happy why shouldn't the car be kept?
If the brother doesn't have to pay for it, then why does the car have to go?
Sell the car. You can always take your dad for a ride in your car.