When do I intervene and help?

It would be very interesting to have a Nanny Cam that records her "suffering" when you are not around. You may be quite surprised at how spry she becomes when no one is there to perform for. She may be limited or she may be playing you like a fiddle. There's only one way to find out.

It's a delicate balance. Why she needs to be as independent as she is able, she also needs to know she is loved. Help her a little, praise her abilities, encourage her independence. Know some days they need more help than others. Trust your gut, you know your Mom's needs better than anyone.

Crying can also be a part of the dementia. I've experience it with my aunts and now my mother. They get you all upset and then they move on while you're left feeling worried and guilty. I've learned not to react because I do want my mother to stay as independent as possible. She takes longer to do things, but can still do them. She complains, but when I offer to do something for her, she refuses and does it herself. Regular self-care and house chores help to fill their day, keep their brains stimulated, and their bodies moving. You will know when to step in and offer help and/or get some in-home care.

Proceed With caution is right..she may not realize what she is doing due to her perception of things.She may cry that she needs your help yet when you are not around she is perfectly able to perform tasks.I have had patients that claimed up and down ,one side and the other that they could not walk..yet when no one was around ..amazingly they made their way to the bathroom and back...so proceed with caution and let her do what she can when she will..dementia can interfere with perceptions...if you catch her in the act ,she may not respond the way you would like,she may get angry and defensive ..just let her do what she can when she wants,encourage her to do as much as she can despite her actions when you are not around.Offer praise that she can do so much on her own..she may start to show you what she can do..take care and good luck..this is hard.

Everyone has given helpful answers. Proceed with caution because you don't want to do things for her that she can do for herself. However, if she's confused, you may want to give her a little help and let her finish. Balance. That's the key.

You do want to be prepared to move into providing more help in the future in whatever form will be needed so make sure the legal papers such POA for both health and finances plus any other legal papers your mother's estate attorney may suggest are in place.

You seem to have excellent instincts. Please let us know how you are doing and keep tapping into this wonderful community for experienced comments, suggestions, advice and sympathy.
Remember to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol

Your mother is almost 80 yrs old. She will need more help in the future with or without dementia (a much over used term --stuck on almost every elder in your mother's age bracket by medical professionals). I would try to encourage her to do as much as she can on her own. Realize as the person ages everything takes lots more time to complete as it used to. If some things of daily living are taking too much time for her, see if you can get clothing that is easier for her to manage. I would try to streamline the "activities" that are taking too much out of her. I would make sure she is able to safely bath herself as a fall in the bathroom can be deadly.

I would lose contact with whoever said not to "baby" her. This person wants to control rather than assist the elder. The elder is not an baby, they have lived a full life and they are merely dealing with the frustrations of their bodies not responding like they did in the prime of their life. Too often medical professionals treat the elder as someone who is not worthy of their effort. I would let your knowledge of your mother, your ability to simplify her tasks of daily living be your guide. Also with an elder, they have good and bad days, days when they can do more and days they can do less--just part of the aging process.
Good luck.

I have been where you are, my mom has moderate dementia and I had to step in and help her, I have a book her Dr. recommended reading 36 hours a day and it say people with moderate dementia has a difficult time doing basic things it makes them tired because its a loss of work trying to remember my suggestion is to help her and finally she will do it on her own, right now she need someone to help her remember how to do basic routine, Please help her she will feel better as well as you will feel better and not feel guilty remember a child have to be shown how to do things no different from a person with moderate dementia.

Perhaps some of her angst is that she's afraid she'll fall and/or struggles to get things done and/or it tires her. How about a compromise. You are there to observe, assist/guide her, and provide security as SHE actually does the task.

Just be careful. I've lived with a 79 yr old man with parkinson and dementia and he is a good con artist. When ppl are around he pretends he is helpless only if a beautiful woman is around he can run a marathon. He constantly wants to be served like a king and treats some women he knows like slaves and sex objects. He does not dare try that on me cause he knows better. He steals when he goes out and says if he gets caught he will blame it on his illness. I've had to tell him the next time he does I will notify the manager of the store. Yes I'm sympathetic to his illness but I know he also using it to walk all over ppl without a care if it hurts them or not. So my advice don't let her bring you down cause they will

Angels19; What type of living arrangements does your Mom have? Does she live alone? Does she live in one of those buildings for senior living? Does she have her own home and is it to big for her to keep up with like cleaning, dusting, garden maintenance maybe? maybe she has smaller place and is ok and content or feels crowded and hard to manage for being cramped? (80 years old is a long time that elders collect things so much, end up with little or no room left for themselves and I have seen this situation to many times cause very real mental health issues.) You mentioned some suffering, what kind of suffering does she go through? If she is alone and thinking to much, and crying a lot, could be anxiety, doubts or even fears of the years ahead. Can she talk to you about why she is crying so much, does she say something like, "I don't know why"? Have you noticed if there are any changes in her facial features on one side and/or a droopy eye? Now I am not trying to scare you or anything like that but these are the things worth the energy worrying about stepping in and helping get the attention if needed rather than if I should help with some laundry or do a few dishes or not. 79 years old? I can only imagine all the meals, dinners and dishes she has done... Has she had any physical and mental health exams lately? Sometimes just one little sniffle can turn so fast or sneak up so slowly and goes unnoticed till... There is so much to consider, and more so when its your parent, but what I can tell you is don't wonder "when" or even wait till you feel its time to "just step in", or to "intervene" because if she had gotten the help in the first place when she asked, she probably wouldn't need intervention. So I say to you, I feel the best thing you could do for both you and your Mom is, you be there for her and help her when ever YOU want or choose to. Even with simple chores and ADL's. She didn't ask you to do it for her, but to help her even if was for a little attention, but I don't know your relationship with your Mom if your close, strained I truly doubt that it could be a hateful one. Some times its the small stuff or the little things that makes a big difference in any persons life. The key here is choice, with an understanding that when you choose to be with her it is because you want to and choose to be, of your own free will, (not bargained, manipulated, obligated or other wise) and THAT is a most wonderful gift (hoping she is alert enough to understand), and I agree in part with shakingdustoff commenting above about being wary, "proceed with caution, as you are. you are right to be wary, many older people are bored to death, literally, will do just about anything for attention and entertainment" (that statement alone is enough to raise a flag or two.) I can also relate to shakingdustoff and the some of the comments above, however...). To much time together can lead to resentments and abusiveness, power struggles, control issues and manipulations. At this stage you sure don't want to have bad feelings toward each other that's for sure! If she is alone, (and looks like depending on you for companionship) is or could there be others or activities that you could help her get involved with? You know, help her get acquainted and comfortable maybe at the senior center with other ladies her age doing things that she would probably enjoy, and let her know she is gifting you as well allowing you your time and space without worries, guilt's or obligations. Healthy boundaries, a little bit of your time both when she thinks she needs you and those times when she don't, (not out of want or need) and a whole lot of those "just because" moments. In the end, I know you will be so glad you did... P.S. Consider a check up just in case of a medical issue or anxieties and depressions, with her crying like this, especially if this has been a recent or sudden change in behavior..., and may your journey ahead be healthy, prosperous, and that both your hearts be filled with unspeakable joy...

i have found that a routine is very helpful.......do the dressing thing with her,over and over again THE SAME WAY EACH TIME......and say the SAME THINGS EACH TIME......for example say "LET'S PUT ON SOCKS AND SHOES.....PUT ON THE LEFT SOCK FIRST, WHILE DOING IT WITH HER......THEN SAY PUT ON THE RIGHT SOCK, AGAIN WHILE DOING IT WITH HER....THEN DO THE SHOES...... i find she will repeat what is said, as she is doing it......its a consistent plan and at the end she feels as she has accomplished something by herself..........we do it the same way every day.....this works with everything......my mom is 92 and she lives alone.......i can call her on the phone and wake her up for the day.....and she will do her routine each day....she also has dementia......but i find alot of the easy behavior modification techniques work very well for older folks....

My MIL lived with us for four years. I helped her in and out of the shower daily for three of those years. I laid out her clothes, but she dressed independently. It was my feeling that she should continue to do as much as possible for herself so as not to lose her abilities altogether. Wound care began to take a great deal of time, so we cut down to showering 3 times weekly, and got had an aide to assist with bathing, dressing, and grooming on those days. (I still did the wound care.) The aides did not have the time to allow her to dress independently. On interim days, dressing became increasingly difficult for my MIL as she began to lose her skills and physical stamina. One day I came into the room and she had put on her mastectomy bra with the "breasts" protruding off her back! I began helping with the bra, but still encouraged her to do as much as she could do by herself. It's a slippery slope when you begin taking over more and more responsibilities. I also thinks independence promotes more self-confidence and self-esteem.

give her some motivations to kick start her....pop in and say hey mom...if you will get dressed...and I will paint your nails or toes we will bake cookies...or sit on the porch or ...whatever....anything...also I want to mention this....I was a major sports monster and got injured (wreck) and have been downed for about 9 months...I cannot tell you how fast your muscles and strengths change and atrophy. and then all of a sudden every movement is a major effort.....I cant tell you how exhausting and frustrating simple tasks have proved to be...ive cried just like your mom.....just because she is losing memory doesn't mean she has lost the ability to FEEL sad and frustrated and other things for that moment. Circulation is key....movements critical. Go to the sports store or sports dept of a discount store and see what things that could be used to help her exercise any part of her body from a sitting or laying position....little mini exercise sessions...do them with her !!! she will get stronger physically and these tasks will get easier...im working my way slowly back to movements so I can sports monster again and its tough...don't overdo it tho (small little pushes or reps-resistance or squeezes ( a little ball ) )slow and small stuff at first and then build...because she will get sore and move even less ( like me today ..ouch) if she tries to do too many and ....if she gets sore..heating pad and you will have to be masseuse a little bit.

First of all, make sure that your mother is getting proper nutrition and that her B vitamin levels are good. Dementia is a catch all term for anything that causes mental confusion. How is her thyroid? Is she diabetic? all of these things factor in. If she's physically healthy, her mental state will be better. My mother had a long running undiagnosed UTI which made her seem demented at times. She was in the hospital and saw several doctors who didn't get the problem. Finally when she didn't remember her name, I took her in and they checked her for a UTI. That was the culprit. Some meds that they gave her made her worse, but she's in the kitchen washing dishes right now and is doing better. Check out the obvious first, she is probably very frustrated that the confusion won't let her function as she had when she was clear headed.

I was recently at physical therapy for myself and therapist was also working with an even more elderly person than myself, who obviously had dementia. He told me that sometimes she screams. Sure enough as he had her start on every machine she screamed that she couldn't di it, it hurt or whatever. He reassured her that she could, and sure enough she continued and did the exercise. Every so often she asked the same questions and got the same answers from the therapist: where's my son? waiting for you

Sorry... more questions and answers...she in effect was reassured that she was safe and that she was not alone. Professionally done and effective. And her next visit would no doubt be the same. Screaming, questions, answers, and she will do the therapy.

Lots of good advice - and oh yes it's amazing what goes on when you're not looking! - but in the end only you, being right there, can judge what she can manage if she tries. Encourage her to do it on her own; if she's struggling prompt or help her; if it's becoming humiliating for her then do it for her. Just don't set her up to fail. And allow for good days/bad days - sometimes my mother weeps silently because I haven't wrung her face flannel out for her; other times I get my head bitten off for tucking her chair under her at the table (it's an old-fashioned hardwood dining chair, not light).

Everyone's comments about be wary of your mom takin slight advantage of you and you feeling guilty. So crazy that you asked this today.mother had stroke in March an just released from rehab wed. So I home rehab coming twice a week along with whole bunch of other services. Mom can't walk or anything but she gloats over the attention. She is 90. This morning I have her on toilet while I'm fixen her breakfast. I heard noise comin from bathroom. Guess what? The women is standing in front of the sink washing her hands. No gate belt. No help. But did it all on her own. She my husband said she was always needy and loved the attention. Even to the point of faking sickness for attention. So as long as your mom can to tasks on her own, have her do it. Cause the day may come where there isn't much choice. Don't wear yourself down cause dimentia /Alzheimer's don't get any better or easier.

I'm trying very hard to imagine what it would be like for my mom to ALLOW assistance with ADLs, let lone ASK for it.

Sounds like a fantasy world. Someplace where providing the care necessary to keep an elderly person with dimentia clean, healthy, and safe doesn't suck the life out of you because EVERYTHING is such a d*mn BATTLE...

Seriously? She ASKS for help?!? And that's a problem?!?!?

[OK, I do understand that the scenarios we face are as diverse as the many faces and facets of dementia. I was being somewhat dramatic. But I would give an arm and a leg to experience the opposite adventure you describe!!]

What hasn't been brought up here is the human need for touch and conversation.
Whether a person has presence of mind or not the human voice and touch of another can be reassuring even if it is just to help dress.The elderly aren't all "con artist" they are letting you know they need companionship and though the tears may not be caused by pain they are a way of letting you know that person can be from suffering from an acute sense of loneliness and loss.
My bet is if you sat with her and her just talked about anything while she dressed you'd find it worked just as well as helping her.

Olma, what you wrote is so true. As my mother's mind is slipping away more each day, she just needs to talk and have someone to listen. Mostly it is about things from her long-ago past. Sometimes it is more recent and not correct, but it doesn't matter anymore. If she thinks it's true and it's not hurtful, I just go along.

I think it is important for them to do what they can do. If we started doing everything, they would lose their ability pretty fast. I pretty much understand what my mother can do, which has changed with time. We just have to stay in tune with them. When my mother asks me to do something that I know she should do, I always tell her that I'm letting her do it so it will keep her up and moving. IOW, I am doing it for her and not to be a brat.

Something I've found helps the most is letting them know we love them. Hearing the words "I love you, Mom" is very healing for my mother. We've never been a loving family, so maybe it is good because it was something missing. Or maybe it is letting her know that I'm not going to vanish.

Mary I completely understand where you're coming from - I've said to professional caregivers before now: "my mother wouldn't ask for help if she was on fire." The main problem was her high risk of falling. It was turning my hair white, but then our lovely helpful Soc Services people gave us pressure pads for her armchairs and her bed, so at least now I know when she's off on her travels… It's not perfect, but it gives me a sporting chance.

Thanks, Countrymouse - appreciate the empathy. Granted, I wasn't being particularly helpful to anyone on this site - mostly just venting. (But sometimes other folks' venting has helped me immensely.) Good descriptive phrase, too! I'll have to remember that. ;) (Your note to professional caregivers re: your mom.)

My mom is also a huge fall risk, and even SAYS that she is terrified of falling again - but you'd never know it by her behavior. Good tip on the pressure pads. May not be there just yet, but could get there in the near future. (So far, only a baby monitor that I couldn't live without.)

Hugs and hope to all!

please read my amazon ebook "Bold Actions for Helping Older Parents". You will get lots of your questions addressed.

TNovak, not being rude, but who are you? I looked at your Amazon listing and it tells me nothing about your credentials?

Following 30 years in the senior industry and taking care of 3 family members, I have published an amazon ebook "Bold Advice for Helping Older Parents". There are several points that can help. Let me know what has worked from it if you do read it. Good Luck

Let her try a task and tell her you will help when and if she needs it. There is nothing wrong with helping, as I button my husband's shirts sometimes. It takes five steps in the brain to complete a task, and this is very difficult for a person with dementia. So help when she needs it and you will feel better. She will try as long as she is able, so be there when she needs you.