When it's all over (if we live that long), do you move far away to get rid of the bad memories?

Bless your heart for everything you do. It’s not wrong to day dream about tomorrow.
In my case, I lived with my Mom and Dad in our own little paradise.
However, when they were both gone, it was time for me to move on.
I have never regretted it. I could always look back and bring back the beautiful memories. But, in my own little cottage I have built my own memories.
I took very little, but I did save some things as memories. Everything else I gave away to friends who wanted mementoes.
I started over with “ new” things that were all hand me downs from other friends.
All the memories were good, but at age 50, for the first time in my life, I wanted to be me. I wanted to feel like, if I wanted to roast marshmallows on the kitchen range, it was up to me. If I wanted to paint it pink, it was my decision.
Honey, chances are your day will come.
And when it does, you can feel very proud of having done what you are doing now. Make a new life. Start over. Bring what you want and don’t worry about walking away from what is over.
Caregiving is often called thankless and, it can seems that way.
But there is One who sees all. And you are storing up your treasures in heaven.

Have the house blessed, burn your sage and downsize as much as you are able. Clear way for future options that might include moving …or not. You can make small improvements that will refresh the house you bought and restore your visions. I got rid of a dining room suit and hutch we had for fifty years and I don’t miss it. I spent a lot of time looking for a second hand smaller dining table and got just the one I wanted. Due to our next move, I had to give up the smaller table and chairs:( I miss it 😢 BUT the idea that I have a new project of finding a few “new” pieces restores my hope. Hope, IMHO, is what will tide you through.

Its not an answer but Thank you for bringing topic up. I'm debating what to do in the future. I'm looking after my dad 24/7. Bad & good memories in this house we live in. I moved in my parents house with my daughter as we had to leave her dad. My mum fell ill & ended up in a home for 9 years. In that time bit by bit I helped dad change the colours & decor of the house. He then filled it with antiques everywhere. It started to get cluttered etc. My dad had a fall & has vascular dementia. Can't walk so hes bed bound. We have sold quite a few antiques to pay for his care. I've had to clear his room( downstairs the living room ) for carers to come in so it's half clinical & half has a few pictures & plants in window etc. I have changed it bit by bit over time. I try to keep everything as it is for him to still know & recognise it as home. I'm hoping to just clear off in the future as I have a sister who hasnt been very nice & bad memories so I'm just going to clear stuff & get away from it all. It won't be over night. Realistically it will take time. It will be painful & I dread it. I'm enjoying time with dad for now

The memories - the good and the bad - are a part of you. No matter where you go, what you do, they will always be there. You cannot erase them or get rid of them (unless you have cognitive condition). What you can do is turn them into a source of strength and wisdom - finding new strengths from the hardships you have gone through. And then start creating new memories. Your memories.

You don't have to go through all the expense and energy of physically moving - in today's world, that can be quite costly and not always with the results you anticipated. Join new groups - be it via Meetup or at the local library. Go explore new parts of your community. Volunteer with a a cause that you have a huge calling towards. Go do new things that you have never done before. Change YOUR looks - lavender colored pixie cut hair maybe? And because your home is your 'home base', start redoing it, refreshing it, changing it. Repaint new colors, rearrange the furniture or get some new pieces. Hang new artwork on the walls - even pix from your new activities. New throwrugs and throw pillows. Add new things in the yard-new plants, shrubs, potted plants, outdoor furniture pieces.

If you keep looking at the 'old' you will keep seeing the old. If you start looking at 'new', you can start seeing 'new'. As you start making new memories, your older ones will not become as prominent. Yes, they will be there, but they won't be the sole focus anymore.

This isn't something that will all happen overnight or in a week or two. It is a slower process, but one where you can find the results you want. Just be patient and kind to yourself.

I totally understand what you are asking. It is similar for me. My mom, and youngest live with me and we get along fairly well nowadays, but there are times....

I have thought about doing exactly the same as you describe. On the other hand, this was my house to begin with and it was "my dream house", needs work done, but a great location, great neighbors, a quiet neighborhood, love my backyard with all it's trees, etc.

So what I have been doing is dreaming/actively planning fixing up the spare room into a specially purposed room, into a "creative" room, where I'd like in the future when I'm alone to try my hand at writing, maybe even a craft or two, learn to play my piano better, etc. There's a certain atmosphere/look I want to create.

I'm also actively trying to change my bedroom around decorate it, will need to paint.

I spend hours looking online and some shopping and when I'm ready, I already have wallpaper chosen, ready to order, and start creating that spare room.

On the other hand, I do have thoughts of moving to a location like you described. But I would truly consider selling everything here, and just pack a few suitcases and a few special items and "start over"... it's an awesome "freeing" feeling.

I've always felt like daydreaming helps. And now, I am just simply changing some of the daydreams into something concrete.

You'll have to stay in touch with me! We could compare notes along our journeys :)

Be sure the person who stays with you when you are alone allows herself to try and enjoy life. Seek out situations and people who support that, support groups, therapists, a new church group, or activity. When you are a full time caregiver you may not make time to practice the skill of enjoying life. Consciously force yourself into those situations. If the situation is truly killing you, and I believe it can, change it. Don't wait for someone to die to give yourself permission. That person may be you.

Your memories go with you, no matter where you go. They will pop up at unexpected times and places. The only thing that can change is your interpretation of them. Remember that you did the best you knew to do at the time and under those particular circumstances. You could not and cannot control what others do and say. You have learned a lot from every experience you've had.

Often a new location will bring you new opportunities. You already seem to have formed a mental picture of the life you would like to lead. Start researching a place you might like to live. Make a list of things you might like to do. Check into what's available for you and your dog. Sure, a move is a lot of trouble, but you do it in stages. It can give you something to look forward to. Who knows what exciting things may be waiting? Better to anticipate the future than to be weighed down by the past.

I have often fantasized about selling our home once my LO passes. I don’t have any family to hold me here and very few friends anymore. I even check out houses in cities I think I might like to live in. Then I think about the positives and negative’s of moving. Like you, I like my home, neighbors and community. I could use a little less rain, but overall we have beautiful springs, summers and fall.
So far I haven’t found any true compelling reasons to leave. I’m not going to make any major changes to my house in the meantime, other than maintenance.
Since I really won’t know how I feel until the time comes, I’ll keep this on the back burner and hope that I don’t make any hasty decisions until I know it’s the best thing for me to do.
Good luck with whatever decision you make!

LavenderBear: In response to your query, as I had to live out of state and in with my late elderly mother in her home while an elder myself, I moved back to my home. I also was faced with marketing and selling my mother's house. You are not stupid.

When I was in your shoes still taking care of my parents, I just wanted to “Get the hell out of Dodge.” Move as far away as possible. But it wasn’t the logistics that kept me in town after my dad passed away. It was my community that kept me…. my friends and support groups. I resumed many of the activities I participated in before I had to take care of my parents 24 seven. We sold my parents home five years after my dad passed away and in that time the house got a new personality, even though it was decorated exactly the same. There was a sense of relief, a new energy. We sold the house because I needed to get my personal life back and I could no longer take care of my mom and my autistic sister. My daughter and I were sacrificing our entire lives for their care. I would’ve happily stayed in the home to make new memories. I’ve moved twice since then and I am appreciating that home and neighborhood more every day.

Am seeing so many lovely, well-thought out answers to this issue.
So many of us Caregivers are going through similar things.
Some have already gone through this & thrived, while others are facing these thoughts now.

What makes the answers so wonderful is the hope and optimism that Caregivers share. We're always hoping for a better tomorrow.

Your posts have made it obvious to me now that we all have some bad memories & that these memories belong to us, not the specific location of where they occurred.

While tomorrow is never assured, hope and positivity allow us to not only survive another day, but to thrive.
Unhappiness is an emotion that waxes and wanes over time. It won't be permanent, as it's mostly situational. Good days/bad days.

Feeling much more positive about everything right now. Thanks to all of you. There's always hope for a better tomorrow. Situations can always improve. (And, yes we can die too, but am hoping for a beautiful place surrounded by all the cats and dogs that I've loved when that happens.)

As the poet Langston Hughes says: Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken-winged bird that cannot fly.

Hello I think it’s great you are asking questions. How can anyone learn if you don’t ask good questions?? Be sure and pat yourself on the back because being a caregiver is one of the toughest things anyone will ever do. I was not sure if I would outlive my father when I was his part time caregiver. But I did. A lot of prayer, a lot of work but I made it Thru and he passed peacefully. I sold my childhood home for some of the reasons I mentioned and now in a way I regret that. It provided something familiar. Of course there’s no guarantee I would have been happy keeping it but it’s hard now I miss the comforting feel even if there was negativity too. In truth I would say - trust your gut over anyone’s advice. It has to be your decision. What I feel secure in saying to you however is that I’ve learned that being single and creating a HOME takes a lot of work. Even decorating although fun takes time and thought and organization. Be patient with yourself. Whether you move or stay when you feel up to it you will need to put forth effort to create a space you love. It may flow or not but it doesn’t usually happen without some planning. I like to make lists of Pros and Cons. Moving is always stressful and expensive. If money is tight moving is probably nit the best decision. Then again only you can decide. I’m not sure if we ever are free but I’ve learned to focus on the things that make me truly happy. Whatever that is!! Pick two things and fill your mind and heart and soul and life with it so that joy gets bigger and you spend less and less time on the problems or thinking about negative things. Take care of you, get to know you, journal to vent when no one is around and choose to focus on what you love. Hope this is helpful. You will make the right decision for you. I would never never call you stupid by the way. This forum is here to help.

Good Afternoon,

First of all, you are not stupid. You sound like a pretty compassionate responsible person. Remember the Pandemic lasted well over 2 years, don't be so hard on yourself.

This is interesting...they say after a loved one passes, wait for a year without making a move. Every scenario is different. When my dad passed I missed him terribly, there was no better father and after 4 years, the family home was sold and we were ready to move on. Many new memories came after that. But I did not move alone.

Present day, Mom is in a hospital bed in my room. Lewy Body Dementia. What do you think about just simply taking a vacation, even just for 2 nights? I know with the Pandemic it's been hard on everyone but maybe you could use this time now to call for brochures about trips, etc. in the future so you have something to look forward to. (Check out your local library)

Moving is expensive. Do you have a good support system already in place, (great neighbors, etc.) and do you want to start over in another region of the country. From what you tell us you sound like you have a lot in your favor--small dwelling, low taxes, etc. It's amazing how a little paint and some curtains changes your outlook on life, literally. Even for us as people, when I put my lipstick and earrings and a dab of perfume on even if I'm just cleaning the bathroom, I feel a little better.

The UpWalker Lite is fabulous compared to the gray aluminum walkers. If you have a local "Y" or indoor pool, sign up. Music is great for Mom's, jazz especially. It calms them. Also sitting by the water. It's calming for elders.

You don't want to shoot yourself in the foot. You probably are burnt out and just need a change. But, it has to be the right change.

Have your Mom help plant some window boxes. Go to the Dollar Store and buy a bag of dirt, garden gloves, etc. and let her help. Turn on the jazz music and get a nice big sunhat at the Dollar Store. You might see a change.

I learned of The Buy Nothing Project recently. Basically you go online, join on your Facebook account and each chapter is set up according to your zip code. So you could remodel/refurnish your dwelling for "free". Basically from your neighborhood donate for free w/o the exchange of $$$ or bartering and you are meeting a neighbor. Your old stuff that has too many bad memories but may serve someone else in your community and you are adding to their life. You in turn can donate old stuff.

Or it's probably more like the bad stuff is memories from caregiving not actual material goods. That's a mindset and will take time because you are in it. I read a lot of Joyce Meyer.

A single woman going off alone is really something you have do be realistic about, especially if you are unwell. Personally for me, I need to plant some roots. Now on the other hand, if the neighborhood has changed and you don't feel safe at night then it's time to look around.

Caregiving is tiresome especially with the lost hour. The little things in life a bunch of flowers from the supermarket, a new bathing suit on sale from Lands End on their Friday website listing "On the Counter Markdowns" for $12 gives me my happy place.

I did bless my new place with Holy Water. The Church people come faithfully every Sunday with Communion and a Bulletin, they are wonderful. You have to carve out a place for yourself in the moment. Because no one is really sure how long this caregiving is going to go on so look around and start donating and replace with things you love to see. You don't need a lot. You can buy new comforters on sale and that brightens up a room.

When you are single, you don't have anyone to bounce things off of, to get feedback. I think it's great you joined this and threw this idea out there. And once you sell the house, you can't go back unless you rent it out and do a trial run (say for example in Florida) to see if you like the new area, perhaps renting first.
Amen.

FYI many people have homes full of bad experiences with bad people. When those people go, you get to remake your life in YOUR home! While you're at it, why not start now?

LavenderBear I think you absolutely can start over and wipe out the bad memories. The rooms that carry the worst burden will need a facelift. I have seen homes renovated & redecorated that end up looking nothing like it did before. My sister's home was a good example. Once your mom is gone, claim it as totally yours and re-do whatever it takes to wipe the slate clean. I know it's possible and it could actually be fun. I hope you can start planning for it. If it was me, I would go on Pinterest and start gathering ideas right away. It might help now to get through what you are dealing with in the present. Imagine yourself in the space and what would make YOU happy there.

This is a very valid question. Please consider asking this question on the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. It is a place where you can find support and information, and where you can vent without judgment. Many of the members have lost loved ones, and they share how they go on afterward.

https://www.facebook.com/groups/dementiacaregiversupportgroup/?ref=share

I’m in a similar situation. I don’t live in the home now, but spend time regularly and it will be mine someday. I have been looking at moving and making trips to other cities and options. It’s helped me realize staying in the family home might be what is best for me. I’m looking forward to some redecorating and updating the main bath with subway tile and nice fixtures. Good Location. Nice neighbors I’ve known for years. Convenient to stores, hospital and services. I see the appeal of starting fresh and some days it does seem appealing but also a lot of work and hassle. I still work a job. I’m considering buying an easy, smaller condo in a bigger city a couple hours away by car so maybe, I can have the best of both for a few years. I’d be interested in what you decide and how it works out. Good luck.

I am still in the same home where I cared for my husband while he died of a brain tumor and I also cared for my dad who had dementia. It was all very hard to go through, but believe me, memories fade. I’m doing some redecorating and things like that. There are sad memories but they’d be in your mind whether you moved or not. I’d say stay and make the best of it. Get counseling if you need help in how to make peace with your memories.

your house has been a safe haven for your mom. The house is blessed with your love for your momma and God would say you are a good and faithful servant. I would keep the house its everything you want and your feelings will change brighten it up redecorate take down all safety devices. Dont make any rash decisions the grass is not greener somewhere else sending love and hugs

I told my kids, I will be MIA for a while! We may move but not to get away from where we were but bc it has gotten way over crowded and we are stuck here until we can move if that's what we need to do. But everyone wants to live and I'm not hurrying anything, just know, I'm hitting the road when I can. I've been doing this since 2009. If your a full time caregiver, you know what you've given up to do this.

Just remember "Orlando " in , "Unspouse My House !" --- Give yourself a break, then do as one suggested : Get rid of everything reminding you of bad memories --inc. furniture , physical items --REdecorate as you like , make it your place ...Its a good neighborhood, friends, moving is very expensive and emotional ..Good luck creating a great place for YOU!!!!

I would give it at least one year afterwards to make such a decision. I think in time some if not most will heal. Blessings

I have been wondering about this as well. Mum has been living with me in a rental since 2019 and is on wait list for aged care. I often wonder if I want to stay here when that happens! How bad will it feel, both for reminding me (missing our daily interactions) & the bad occasions.
I’m hoping by then I can buy my first home and that should be a positive start but I’m skeptical. I really don’t want to move to yet another rental and spend all this money on moving. But yeah I know this house felt super awkward before whilst Mum was in hospital and it’s too large for one person. It’s been ideal for our living arrangements as it’s given us our own space with the bedrooms completely seperate and own bathrooms etc.

Your current house and location have several things going for them so don't rush too fast to leave once you are on your own. Consider whatever connections you have in your current community and what kind of support you have there to help with your own physical limitations. You can certainly make new connections and build support in a new location, but give it some time before deciding. Think of the things you might do to your current house or garden when you have more time and energy to take on new tasks.
Even if you are glad to be relieved of the negativity and urgency and exhaustion of care taking, when a loved one dies, you need at least several months to begin to make major decisions like where to live. Without constant care taking demands, you may find you will start re-appreciating the things that helped you choose this house and location in the first place.
Meanwhile, decorate your walker, use it carefully, and think of places you might vacation when you ate free to do so.

As a rule, I agree with the sentiment to wait before making any big changes. You just never know how things will fall out. That said, you have become somewhat limited in your self-sufficiency, and you need to do what makes daily life easier for you. If moving to a community where the lawn and other such things are taken care of, it might be worth the thought.

When my husband died, I had no emotional attachment to our house, but there were reasons that made it in my best interest to stay here. My mobility has declined, and while I research over-55 communities, it still seems in my best interest to stay.

Little things made it easier initially--like I changed the color scheme of a couple rooms. It made it more my space as opposed to ours. Down the line, other things, bigger things, made it less about "us" and more about me...the vehicles we shared died so I had to buy a new car...our old, beloved dog had to be euthanized (which still tears me apart), but I couldn't live without a dog, so I adopted a new guy...I resided the house, which we planned to do but never got around to, and now plan to tear down the old deck and build new. The energy over time shifted, especially with changes made. Not all, but most changes came as a necessity, and most changes were difficult to navigate (alone) and not feel like I was "betraying" the past, betraying memories.

Another thing that I found beneficial was that by staying, I simply had to confront whatever demons resided within these walls. Confrontation isn't always the bad word it's made out to be. It can be gradual, on your own terms. I've grown in this house, faced things (physical and emotional) I never had to face and didn't want to, and never would have had the chance to if I'd left. But that's what worked for me.

You bought the house, then your mother immediately moved in. Mothers can have such a hold on us, can't they? If you gave yourself the chance to live in that house the way you intended, who knows what freedom might come of it? If you move, rest assured, demons follow. It just depends on how and where you want to deal with them.

Big, warm wishes to you. You're not alone in your thoughts. Most of us will have to grapple with this in our lifetimes.

I like your idea of a Airline streamer but since you are using a walker traveling could be tough . I would get some magazines like Martha Stewart or Architectural digest and get some ideas for remodeling - that's what I have been doing . I also want to get away from where I am now - where I live is noisy , no parking , stressful , expensive and no nature Plus freezing Bitter cold ! I never thought I would end up in a Big city taking care of dying people but that's what I have done the last 7 years of My life . I read about woman who sell everything and live out of a van - I know that is Not the lifestyle for me . I Miss the beach and nature . Ideally having a farm with a garden in a warm climate . I had hoped to buy a family home several years ago and instead people kept getting sick and dying . There are people who declutter negative energy - there is One woman Madalyn Aslan she works in Ny City . Do spirits and Ghosts' linger around - Honestly I think Yes But some people are happy to cross Over and leave . You could Burn sage and get some Black or rainbow tourmaline - cover the windows with sea salt ? Not sure if it works ..... I Lived on Cape cod for many years and yes those old Sea captain houses were haunted . I think it is good you are looking towards the future . My suggestion stay Put and remodel and take a trip . If you were healthier I would say buy the van or airline streamer and travel around . Thats why I always mention Youth Hostels they are not just for the young - they are a good way to travel , make friends and a Lot friendlier then staying in a hotel - Thats how I travel . Sounds like you have a adventurous spirit - Maybe check out some Air B and B's . Right Now I am looking at cabins or cottages in the woods . I think some of this looking towards the future is when we will get Our Freedom back . Since My Mother and My 2 Bothers died I have No reason to go to Cape Cod or any desire - Life was harsh there . Its good to dream about the future in fact it is healthy to have options . There is a great organization Called Sisters On The fly where woman Gather with their canned ham trailers and make a community in the wilderness and go fly fishing . I think part of Looking towards the future is we do feel stuck and that can be depressing .

Moving away will not change your memories. If you do, get a condo on the beach somewhere where you don't have to take care of maintenance, if you want to move. I've been a caregiver for years, too. My mom is now in memory care. I feel some relief, but still feel guilty every day putting her there. The doctors suggested it. When you're alone in your home, you will be able to do what you want with it. Making it your own again might help. You'll need a rest. Do something for yourself. It'll take time to put new, happy memories into your mind. You haven't really had a life of your own.

my mother stayed in our spare bedroom and I avoid it at all costs. Maybe burning sage will get rid of the negativity. I thought of removing the bed and carpet but I’m not sure any of it will help.

my plan is to move once my daughter is done with school. Another side of the country in warmer climate. I forget all of the negativity and it’s a restart.

I am planning to move to another state and start a new life when it’s over. I’ve been the caregiver for Mom for 22 yrs and my terminal hubby for 14 yrs. I’m am beyond burnout. I want new memories.

I can so feel your words! I built my house with my dad in mind. Knowing that someday he will need care. I was thrown into care giving by my own choice (that and when covid hit, there was no help) The house got done in Aug 2019. June 2020 I moved him in. March 2021 he passed. Pretty much all this house is memories of me taking care of him. Even though it wasn't long. I will not leave this house. I am making new memories by having friends and family over. If you really love where you are at, try making new memories. But until then, try to make some changes now that you'd think you would like in the future. I don't know if you have family around, but invite them over. Have a pizza party. Anything you do now, will help in the future. Hugs & Prayers!