When to talk to your LO about getting rid of their house?

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When to talk to your LO about getting rid of their house?

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Update: Moved my 84 year old mother to Memory care from a different company in April and she seems to be doing much, much better than the AL we moved her into after rehab hospital after she broke her arm. She hated the AL and threatened to get a lawyer and 1 time tried to escaped. She went to the desk almost daily to ask to call the police because she was kidnapped. Anyway, none of this has continued at the memory care place so my sisters and I feel good about that move. I am remote and my 2 sisters are local to her.
My mother has stopped asking about when she is going home but she has mentioned to the activities coordinator that her goal is to go back to her home which she lived alone since my dad passed in 2021. This is not the plan and the memory care place is aware.
Her house is paid off but is vacant, We keep the air conditioning on and the yard taken care of but just wanted to get advice about when we should bring up the topic of selling the house to her. My sister has POA.
My mother specifically asked my sister with POA to keep her in the loop about such decisions and has asked what is going on with the house while in memory care. We all just say " Nothings going on with the house" because we are all traumatized from her behavior in the AL place.
Her memory is in the mid-range of decline. She will forget conversations an hour later but she might remember a visit from the day before. She still remembers her daughters and their husbands names but has forgotten the grandkids name.
I think it will traumatize her to get her approval to start preparing the house for sale but just wanted get some feedback since I have received such good feedback to my questions in the past.

Alzheimer's & Dementia Care Decisions Elder Law Memory Care Power of Attorney (POA)

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Read the POA, it should say sister can sell the house. If Mom is in MC she is not competent to make informed decisions. As a person who had to deal with my Moms house, sell it. You are just wasting money that could be used for Moms care. You can sell it as is but should be at Market rate in case Mom needs Medicaid within the next 5 years. A vacant house means the home insurance will go sky high.

This is what DH and I did. DH unplugged the refrigerator and and appliances. I had a light set up in the living room that went on at dusk and off at 11pm. Mom always kept her stove light on, so we did too. I left the water on and in the winter left heat at 55. Mom had no a/c. But if I kept it on, it would be on the highest possible temp for comfort if being shown. If you can, have a neighbor park their car in Moms drive. Have mailed dlvrd to sister. Lawn mowed so it looks like someone is living there.

When Mom asks about the house, fib. She will never return and you should not have the responsibility of it.

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We have the mail diverted to my sister and we do have a car parked in the driveway. I will get a timer for the living room light - great suggestion. Lawn is also being maintained.
So I will focus on working with my sisters to clear out the stuff.

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See an elder law attorney with the POA sister. Or let the POA sister do this.
There are repurcussions to keeping and to selling. If mom is self pay then this will give her the needed extra funds for her care ongoing. If she is on Medicaid she can keep the home, may not want the funds, and there will be clawback by the government when the home is sold.

The home will be difficult to get insured, difficult to keep up without funds unless rented; a family member may be able to move in to caretake.

All these legal "nice-ities" need to be known. An attorney, elder law in your area, can help you make decisions.

None of this now really is in your mother's control. She KNOWS WHAT IS COMING and that is why she keeps asking. The POA handles these decisions for your Mom now in her best interests and your Mom will be informed. She will GRIEVE. DO grieve along with her, because is this last loss not worth grieving?

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I always appreciate your feedback. I like the idea of taking lots of pictures before we start getting rid of furniture. We decided to wait a couple more months ( not anticipating selling it in the next few months) to make sure my mother is truly settled in the memory care before we make the decision whether to tell her or not. She is on self-pay but we will need the money at some point to pay for her care. We have also checked with grandkids to see if anyone wanted to live there rent-free but no takers.

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If you or a sibling has POA and she is incompetent then it is the responsibility of the POA to do what is best to provide for mom.
That means possibly that you have to sell the house and place the funds in an account that will be available to pay for her care.
The POA does not need moms approval to sell the house.
If she asks about it you say what you have been saying and you can add these phrases.
The house is being taken care of.
The house is in good hands.
We are taking care of everything
All of these statements are true. Even if the house is sold the statements are also true.
(If the house is sold just hope that no "do gooder friend" of hers comes to visit and spills the beans. But if that does happen you can just say that her "friend" does not know what they are talking about)

Sell it as soon as you can...a vacant house is or can be trouble. Anything from someone breaking in to squatters and just neglect (I think houses know when they are vacant and they begin to "die" if that makes sense)

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I am concerned with the house being vacant of people. It wasn't in the best shape before all this happened as my mother would always respond, "we will deal with that later" when we would suggest something needed repair - like sinks not draining properly. I appreciate your feedback.

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Sister is POA. She can sell the house any time. Maintaining it is a money pit, and the money could be better used somewhere else, like for mom's memory care. No more mention of the house needs to be made. If mom asks, your answer will still be that nothing is going on with the house even if you've sold it. She's not going back there. She's not going to get better.

You all need to realize that you don't need mom's approval for anything now. ANYTHING. You can ease every situation onto her and discuss with her as if it makes a difference, but it does not. It only stirs up things that are better left alone.

The family could now be getting her house ready for sale, such as cleaning out the attic and basement, getting rid of old clothes and knitting needles and that figurine she bought on her trip to Niagara Falls in 1995. You do this without her knowledge. In the end, she won't care. It seems sneaky, but that's how you and the fam need to do things. Mom has dementia. That rules all.

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We will begin getting the house ready for sale. Thanks for the feedback.

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We just went through a very similar situation, although no memory issues. After my mother's accident left her unable to live alone and unwilling to accept in-home care, she is now in AL. I have POA. House needed a new roof/windows, basement kept flooding, major yard maintenance, etc. She reluctantly agreed to sell the house, which she is still mourning. It was a very quick sale. Advice would be to take photos now of the house, and bring anything reasonable to her that she could use or enjoy. I would also get a home inspector in there asap so that you know what you will be required by law to correct prior to sale. That may take some time and effort to get done. Leaving the house vacant is not the way to go, and I'm sure your siblings that live closer are growing weary of looking after it and would like to move on to the next phase of the process. Sending good vibes it goes smoothly.

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Do not let mom know you'll be selling the house! Nobody will inform her, legally, if you don't because the POA has the right to sell the home w/o moms knowledge.

Dementia prohibits a person from being able to make decisions or process decisions made on their behalf. Since the vast majority of dementia sufferers are obsessed with "going home" in the first place, what earthly good would it do for you to discuss selling moms home with her???? So she can cry and complain incessantly and then require drugs to calm her down?

Please let common sense prevail here. Do not apply our rules of normalcy about "lying" to folks afflicted with damaged brains. Come up with whatever vague story you need to in order to keep mom calm about her house, that's the only goal: Keeping them calm.

Best of luck.

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I appreciate the feedback, lealonnie1. Thank you.

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I would sell the house sooner than later and avoid telling mom. She’s settled, no need to upset her with news you’d likely have to repeat and mess up her new found contentment.

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But she asks about it all the time. I would not lie to her. Her dementia is not terribly progressed from what our OP says. I would tell her the truth and I would grieve with her. This is a part of life. Her mom has lived a long time. There has been sad times before. I simply would not lie. Not while there is memory. And I would help her have memories, and make a scrapbook. To me, one of the most awful betrayals we can do if to deny someone truth. That isn't just dementia, but it is crazy-making, to me at least.

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Thank you for all the feedback. For clarification, the house is vacant of people but it is still full of furniture and stuff. For now, I am working with my sisters to decide how to clear out all the furniture and stuff.

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Yes. The clear out is hard work and very emotional. I had no idea what we would find up in the attic and it was chocked full of boxes that had never been opened since my parents moved form their original home 30 years ago. They just moved everything they owned with them, stored many of the boxes and never opened them again! My mother's wedding gifts, her mother's (my grandmother) things, photographs from both sides of the family that are disintigrating from age including a box of birthday cards from my first birthday and I'm 70! It has taken my husband and me 3 months of hard work to go through all the stuff. There were even social security cards for my grandmother and great-grandmother with some of the paperwork so it is important to look through stuff before just chucking it. We left some basic furnishings in the house so it would look like someone might be living there when we moved my Dad to assisted living but once the house went under contract we donated everything to Habitat to Humanity and local charity shops. My husband made lots of small repairs that my Dad had neglected over the past few years as his health declined. (We lived 1700 miles away which is why we were not always there.)

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It’s a very hard thing to do, but leaving the house empty like that is an invitation to squatters and I doubt you want that. The thing is, she won’t get better. Dementia is something you can’t work your way out of. If mom won’t agree you may have to get a court order deeming her unfit to make that decision and then you’ll be free to deal with her estate.

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If the OP's sister has a durable POA she should be able to sell the house. If Mom asks about the house, just say that it is being taken care of. No need to elaborate. As others have said, there is no way back from dementia and the best we can do for our loved ones is to keep them safe, comforted and content to the best of our ability. It is the saddest thing for all involved.

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It came down to honesty is the best policy for me. I told her that she would run out of money for her care. The house is too much to maintain and holding onto it is costly. The fact I also mentioned that it wasn't safe for her,especially being alone. We had to "gate" the downstairs off because she could fall. She realized the financial part of it most. Having her know actually helped because we had issues with the closing company and she had to sign the bill of sale. They didn't read the will close enough and claimed I didn't have the authority, big mess. The reality of it all was she was starting to wander and safety was the main reason. She will understand that the value of the house will go down with the bills and everything that she worked for will be a waste of time and money. Mom, I'm sorry but you can't afford to keep it. Somewhere in her mind it will click and you won't have to keep making excuses. She's probably going to ask where everything's going? Family and charity works.

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Yes. My mother, also, could not afford the AL apt she lived in without selling her home. She understood that while the house remained unsold, my husband and I were ponying up 2/3 of the monthly cost to keep her in AL as her income wasn’t enough to give her a 1 bedroom (something she really wanted). I had DPOA so I could make those decisions but am very glad she was in the loop and in agreement, as the entities I dealt with throughout the sales process (especially title) were wary lest she as the homeowner was either not aware of the sale or did not want the sale. Even with the original DPOA in hand and a copy of my dad’s DC, they still made me explain in detail why she needed me to represent her and that she was in complete agreement with the sale because she needed the money to stay at her AL. They recorded my statements both in writing and voice record. At closing I signed as her attorney in fact.

When to talk to your LO about getting rid of their house?

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