Last year, my 88 yr old Mother came to live with me and my family. She has been sick throughout the year, in the hospital, then rehabilitation. Currently, I am primary caregiver and handle all transportation to doctors and PT.
During the pandemic, I sold and purchased a larger home with first floor master, so I could move in all her furniture. She insisted she wanted her furniture if she was giving up her own home.
Her furniture and all her belongings are part of her trust so I will not receive her property.
Why is it now, I feel guilty that I have this beautiful home and receive $1000 a month from her to help with living expenses?
I have six siblings that all support this arrangement to varying degrees. However, no other sibling could care for her, plus Mom refuses to live with anyone else.
Help? Do I share this guilt with my siblings? I wish I could have done all this without her help. But I can’t. I know my logic vs emotion are conflicted.
As far as feeling guilty; you are doing SO much for your Mom both emotionally and in physically caring for her needs, I think that financial help is her only way of contributing, and it probably makes her feel useful. It's easy for a stranger to tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, but getting some financial compensation is perfectly acceptable for all that you do. So try not to let guilt consume you, and hang in there.
Sincerely,
Been there Done that
I know because I cared for my 89-year-old mother for five years and yes, I was paid $1000 per month for her care about the last year or so. My dear Mom lived with hubby and I for five years, the first few years I was able to work and did not take payment.
Please don’t feel guilty, caregiving is tough tough business, and if this little bit of financial resource helps, then accept it graciously, without guilt. Again, you are providing your Mother with something priceless.
Regarding sharing your guilt (which I hope you learn to shed) with your siblings, I probably would share it with your friends or your spouse or even a therapist. No need to drag siblings into this as sometimes it’s best to just handle things without involving them otherwise things tend to get too complicated.
On a personal note to you. As I said previously, caregiving is tough business. We don’t talk about it, we are not educated on it and typically we have no experience doing it. I look back on my life and caring for my Mom was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have done, even though my mom was a joy it was like having a toddler at my age (late 50’s) due to her dementia. Having lost my sweet Mother in January, I look back and I would have had it no other way. I miss that lil’ lady so much and I feel so blessed to have had her living with me her last year’s here on earth. It was an honor to care for her and an absolute privilege to love her. You are doing a great job!
I am a carer to both elderly nearly 90 year old parents in their own home. Meals, cleaning, meds etc. It’s all on me. I have siblings and they know I am gifted $900 a month by my parents. I’m honest with them about it. Best way in my opinion. If they don’t like it too bad. They are welcome to the job but are happy not to have that burden.