Why do I feel guilty about my mom helping with living expenses?

A lot of ppl would be happy that the siblings have the confidence in you to leave you to it, knowing you will speak if you need something. $1000 a month is "nothing" in today's world. You can't find an apartment for under $2000 where I live. You are doing the right thing, you get my vote!

Your mom and your siblings are getting a bargain. Doesn’t appear you are getting much in the way of caregiving help from your siblings. What’s wrong with ppl. Why is it that one sibling usually takes on the load and the others are missing in action. If they take issue with the measly $1000 per month then shame on them!!
I am a carer to both elderly nearly 90 year old parents in their own home. Meals, cleaning, meds etc. It’s all on me. I have siblings and they know I am gifted $900 a month by my parents. I’m honest with them about it. Best way in my opinion. If they don’t like it too bad. They are welcome to the job but are happy not to have that burden.

My dear, if you were your mother would you want your grown child to feel guilty for receiving funds for giving you the best loving care that you could possibly receive? I venture to say not. The care you are giving your mother, along with the love, is absolutely priceless.

I know because I cared for my 89-year-old mother for five years and yes, I was paid $1000 per month for her care about the last year or so. My dear Mom lived with hubby and I for five years, the first few years I was able to work and did not take payment.

Please don’t feel guilty, caregiving is tough tough business, and if this little bit of financial resource helps, then accept it graciously, without guilt. Again, you are providing your Mother with something priceless.

Regarding sharing your guilt (which I hope you learn to shed) with your siblings, I probably would share it with your friends or your spouse or even a therapist. No need to drag siblings into this as sometimes it’s best to just handle things without involving them otherwise things tend to get too complicated.

On a personal note to you. As I said previously, caregiving is tough business. We don’t talk about it, we are not educated on it and typically we have no experience doing it. I look back on my life and caring for my Mom was absolutely one of the most difficult things that I have done, even though my mom was a joy it was like having a toddler at my age (late 50’s) due to her dementia. Having lost my sweet Mother in January, I look back and I would have had it no other way. I miss that lil’ lady so much and I feel so blessed to have had her living with me her last year’s here on earth. It was an honor to care for her and an absolute privilege to love her. You are doing a great job!

I don't see why you should feel guilty at all, it's great that you are keeping your mother with you. Do you treat her like she is not wanted, or beat her, or dismiss her as just another thing that is in the way of you being able to live your life? It doesn't sound like you resent her living with you, and mothers today have a tough road with most of their children. Aging isn't seen as someone who has been there, done it and can ease the younger generation's road to making mistakes that don't have to be made, how to do things the old fashioned way and the stories of our lives that can help them understand how and what we did to become the people we are today. Not many computer, cellphone, tablet or whatever device they replaced people with and now worship as the all knowing, and unlimited information retrieval system that just can't be put down, people look at age as wisdom anymore. If only they knew how wrong they are, but let them learn, as they sit at an electric socket charging thier batteries and living life through a inanimate object. Batteries, wifi, internet, texting and gaming are who and what we are today, that's who matters now. If the satellites and towers all stop working, this world is going to be a funny place to live and watch as no one ever taught anyone how to exist and do things without the help of a hand held device attached to see them through. Anyway, I think you are an angel for not devising a way to have your mother put into a home or whatever and allowing her to stay with you. If she is able to chip in however much, 1,000.00 to ease your burden, then she is doing it and that has to ease her mind in having to move in with you as well. There are so many stories told of children who are sick and tired of their parent, or parents, and thieving, abusing, neglecting and of course throwing an aging parent into homes where they are left to die alone, or almost alone. I am planning on taking a long walk off a short pier when I find myself at the mercy of my oldest child, that's just not going to happen for me. My child is totally all about herself and hates old people, she's a nurse as well, but old people don't have any place in this world, so she would not be allowing one, even her own mother, to cramp her style and live in her home. Probably has a lethal injection put aside for me in case I ever show up at her door to ask. I won't, but it would be nice if she were more like you, and I knew that if I needed her she would accept me and take me in. So, don't feel guilty, there are ,many who should and don't, you actually are doing the right thing, and your siblings are going to be the final test after the smoke clears. Guilt on their part can lead to jealousy toward the sibling who did the right thing out of the kindness and love she had for a mother who needed her. Have a great time with your mom, you only get one, and your lucky you were her choice out of all your siblings, when a mother dies it hurts like nothing else, so use the time to make memories you can turn to when you can't turn to your mother anymore. Good Life to you both.

Imho, do not feel guilty about this money.

As a caregiver, trust me, $1000.00 will seem petty. Do not feel guilty. If your mom were living on her own, she would probably be paying more than what she is paying you. As far as your siblings, this agreement is between you and your mom.

My mother's assisted living home receives $5000 or so a month to provide housing, washing, one cleaning a week, and food. Your mother is getting a great deal. Let go of the guilt. It is unwarranted and undeserved.

If you really feel the arrangement is overly-generous in your favor, just tell your mother you don't need that much money each month and to lower the amount. You can inform your siblings of the change. No need to tell anybody you feel "guilty".

No, I would not tell them! They would probably give both you and your mother a hard time about it. Believe me I know! Don't put your mother through that! Be grateful you have such a wonderful mother and that you have her with you. If the money is too much and you feel guilty about it ...talk to your mother! Not the siblings! Maybe you could put the money that is not needed in savings so that when/if your mother needs it ...it will be there for her.

If you are close and have trust with your siblings, I see no reason why you shouldn't share your guilt feelings with them. As the primary caregiver of my Mom who lives with me and my husband, I know how important it is to be able to share your feelings and sometimes vent to people who are close to you. Sharing helps me stay sane!

As far as feeling guilty; you are doing SO much for your Mom both emotionally and in physically caring for her needs, I think that financial help is her only way of contributing, and it probably makes her feel useful. It's easy for a stranger to tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, but getting some financial compensation is perfectly acceptable for all that you do. So try not to let guilt consume you, and hang in there.

Sincerely,
Been there Done that

I feel like there's a lot of missing information here. Did you sell her house, or sell your house? Did you combine assets by buying a larger home? You say you will not receive property because of trust. What property? -- the house that you say you just purchased, or your mother's belongings? Where is the $1000 per month coming from? The answers to these questions are important should your mother ever need to go into long term care and need Medicaid assistance. A trust does not protect assets should she need said assistance, it merely packages assets without protection of them for you or your sibs. I believe your question to the forum was because you needed someone to tell you it's ok and you did right by your mother. Likely you did. But legally, should the wheels of government assistance ever start to move, you might have to seek legal help to sort out your financial arrangement. It actually should have been done prior to any buying and selling of property...and with a Medicaid attorney, not a trust attorney or a elder law attorney, most don't know the Medicaid laws.

Be happy. I gave up a career to move in with both my parents and their view is they are “giving me” room/board and that should be enough compensation. They are saving $15-$20K/year by not needing the very part-time eldercare we had put in place and I am losing more than double that amount!!

I was overseas when sibling contacted me telling me it was a necessity for me to return and assist. I was wrong not to insist on an outside “assessment of need” as well as use a eldercare lawyer to arrange specifically what my role and compensation would be.

YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL GUILTY. Be thankful your mother validates and appreciates your efforts. I WOULD STRONGLY advise the use of an elder care attorney to make sure all is in order—especially with regards to “gifting”. They know how to arrange things in case of the Medicaid look-back thing

I fortunately my father has used that has his “weapon of choice” for not wanting to pay me...and I have given up in a care-giver agreement. (It’s “too much to handle” with the taxes and all....).

I got a job at 16 and never took a dime from him since...no sense starting at age 63! Instead, after being here for 15 months, I will be moving to a close-by apartment and volunteering my cooking and driving services. Beyond that, they can hire the help they may need.

The eldercare lawyer was extremely helpful in reviewing their will and finally putting in place POA...as well as explaining the “gifting” and potential Medicaid issues.

It sounds like you have an appreciative mother and supportive family! Be thankful!! (But do see the elder care lawyer!!)

What do you mean by “her furniture, is part of her trust & you won’t get anything”? Who is the beneficiary? I’m not saying you should get everything when they’re that many siblings. Do you have a copy of the trust? You should since she lives with you and you need to know her wishes. But you should not feel guilty about the monthly income to help with expenses.

Mkrace: it sounds like I'm reading something "I" would have written. Other than selling my home (because the home I live in was already big enough), everything you've said, describes me, and what I'm going through. I felt "guilty" at first, as well; but I don't anymore. My 88 year-old mother (who has dementia), has been living with me since 2016, when my father passed away. I have five other siblings, and some of them wanted to put her into a "home". I won't get into my feelings about that. Memory care in my area, "starts" at $3,000 a month! There's no way she could afford that. But I would NOT put her in a home. I wanted her to live with me, because we've always been close, and I knew I could give her better care, than ANY facility. My family is very dysfunctional; and hardly speaks at all anymore since my father passed away. (another story in itself). I wouldn't share the guilt with your siblings at all, because there's nothing to feel guilty "about". If she were living on her own, she would still have expenses, but "nobody" to take care of her. I could write so much more; but I probably wouldn't have the room to do so. I wish we could talk about this further. I'm on Facebook, but I can't give you my name on here.

If you were taking more than fair market value for your help and housing, you would have something to feel guilty about. But You do realize that your mother could not hire full-time round the clock care for $1000 a month. Also, your mother contributing to the expenses probably helps her feel independent and not a freeloader. My oldest son and I live together. We share the expenses - as housemates should.

Your mom is not going to live forever and that income will be cut off. Just remember that. Eventually her care will require oral care, diapering, bathing, toileting, feeding, including cleaning her private parts since she will not be able to do it--CAN you deal with her excrement and that level of care? My mom became so eaten up with Alzheimer's disease I eventually had to get a feeding tube so she would not die of dehydration (can take 2 weeks--it's barbaric to die that way), and induce bowel movements on schedule three times a week or she would get horribly impacted. Mom did great, and she was only bed ridden for 2-1/2 months because I kept her moving. She died of OTHER REASONS, natural causes, at age 90, not related to her Alzheimer's so she could have been a walkie-talkie self caring person the same would have happened. Mom's skin was in perfect condition. No bed sores. Her lungs were clear (yes I got hospice to do chest x-rays on occason). Mum had a lot of health problems like insulin-dependent diabetes (I kept her sugars in great shape!...her A1C was 6.1. Sometimes 5.9), kidney disease (from years and years and years of diabetes), and untreatable high cholesterol -- I say UNTREATABLE because of her Alzheimer's was so bad she could not tell if she is having side effects from cholesterol lowering statin medications -- if her legs started hurting due to statin side effects, she could instead fall, so her cholesterol was 219 near her death. Still she lived to be 90. After the feeding tube mom never again had a urinary tract infection because she was well hydrated. Her urine was clear even days before her death. Well, that's a long story so I won't get into it. But I used hospice like a home clinic. Mum was on hospice for 2 years. I used them for routine labs and keep her routine meds reordered--she was just on lopressor and 70-30 insulin, and I even got hospice to order her accucheck machine strips, and I had to get a new accucheck machine once and they ordered it for me so I got all that for free. The doctors and nurses were shocked how well she did considering her end-stage Alzheimer's and multiple chronic diseases but man...her care was HORRENDOUS and required intense medical interventions on my part. To keep her alive and healthy. Nothing invasive. just good care and monitoring. She never needed a single drop of narcotics and never was on psychiatric meds either. She did good.

If you cannot deal with this 100% level of care, you will have to get her on MEDICAID for nursing home placement. And by acquiring her monies you will have a 5 year look back law to deal with. This is considered "gifting" because you did not do it right.

I suggest you go to an eldercare attorney and get financial issues resolved. A CAREGIVER'S CONTRACT including tax attorney to set up a corporation for maximum deductibles, that she becomes your employer so Medicaid will not penalize her. FURTHER, estate planning includes property.

ANYTHING that goes into PROBATE, Medicaid can seize due to Estate Recovery Law.

I miss mum, but you have no idea what you are getting yourself into and I can only advise look and plan ahead.

Would you have bought the larger home if mom did not need to live with you?
As pointed out by others, Assisted Living would cost plus or minus $5K a month.
You are an angel in disguise.

Grace + Peace,
Bob

You need to stop that tape in your head. You are doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship. It will get worse over time bc she will need more help.
Every ti.e that thought comes in your head, you have to immediately think of something else and move on. Dont forget to take time for yourself. That is paramount so you can take care of her.
Are you sure that guilt isn't coming from siblings?
Your time is worth something. So you should be paid. You are with her 247.
You should be happy you get to spend time with her. Dont let siings guilt you. Notice how they didnt step up. Id make them put in time staying with her so you get mental breaks too. Good luck

Also, you can stash that money away to pay for a caregiver when you need a break. Believe me, caregiving is EXHAUSTING!!!!

Don’t feel bad. She is actually saving money by moving in with you. If she was living alone, the cost of caregivers alone would be incredibly high. In my area, the cost of a caregiver per hour is $25. That comes to $1000 a week for just 40 hrs of work. This does not include all other expenses. Your mom is getting around the clock care by living with you for just $1000 a month! If anything, you mom is a smart cookie by choosing to live with you. (Grin)

My father lived with me as he aged and eventually became ill. I am fortunate enough to have a profession, which provides me a very good living. My father paid the electric bill and I took care of everything else. He did not need to pay anything but he wanted to help out and it gave him a sense of pride. Of course, whatever he paid needed to be within his means and not onerous. We must respect our parents emotional well being, and their contribution to the household gives them a sense of independence and usefulness. My father never felt as if he was receiving charity; he viewed himself as my flatmate. Do not feel guilty for your parent helping financially, if the contribution is within their means and it is their decision.

I worked 32 hrs per week in Elder Care and I made more than $1000 a month. Peanuts, really, after the first couple of months, I realized that what I felt would be a pretty good job was kind of more like indentured servitude. Luckily, I did not live in, and went home after work.

Why do you feel guilty for doing what others in your family will not do???

My YB moved mother in with him 23 years ago. When she passes, each of the rest of us will inherit $9800. We're ALL just giving the money to YB. He has not been paid for all these years, and mother has pretty much ruined his personal family dynamic. Not out of spite or anything--anybody who lives with you 24/7 for 23 years is going to impact the family dynamic.

I'd feel guilty if I DIDN'T give YB my small inheritance. We also 'sneak' money to him as he has not been able to work a 2nd job (he's an EMT and all of them have to work a side job--he has not been able to). End of the year, the 4 of us sibs who can, usually gift him between $1K-5K. He doesn't know it's from us--and he wouldn't take it if he knew.

I should have a look at the market cost of 24/7 care in one's own home, and see how much of a dent $1000K a month would make in it (very small dent, I think you'll find).

If your siblings have their heads screwed on, they probably already know they are getting a bargain. Did your mother also contribute to the capital cost of buying the new home?

I hope you have looked ahead to what happens when your mother begins to need a higher level of care. If you haven't already discussed this with your mother and any siblings she would like involved in the planning, do so. You will save a lot of stress and trouble by figuring out the time, costs and work required in advance, and thinking where you might find additional resources. Nobody can do this single-handed.

No. Don't rock the boat, don't mention it to siblings, and continue to accept the $1K/month. You may or may not continue to feel this guilt, but worse can happen, probably will, if you act on it.

Maybe you feel you should be providing for her as she did for you when you were younger. maybe you feel you should be able to afford the bigger place without her contribution. Maybe you have a hard time receiving gifts. Search your heart for the fears and insecurities that lurk in the shadows. Name them and bring them into the light. Fear only has power when you allow it to.

Do you need the money for monthly living expenses? If you do not need the money put in a savings account. Use it to start planning for when she has to be moved to a facility. Keep it for emergencies or when she passes distribute in a manner you think she would have wanted.

If you need the money get past it.

Can you Mother afford to give you $1000? She would be paying rent somewhere. If she can afford it just say thank you.

I think I posted, but had another thought. How are you going to afford this place if mom and her money end up in nursing home? If affordability depends on an additional $1K per month, start working on a plan now.

Why feel guilty? AL would run $5-10k a month depending on where you live. Add in a 24/7 caregiver and your mom is living the good life!

To be frank I cannot IMAGINE why you feel guilty about this. Is it typical of your behavior, of what you do? No, don't share your personal angst and feelings with siblings who then go to spouses and friends and then come back and waters are muddied. Just be certain that you have LEGALLY addressed this with a care plan and contract, that you report this to IRS, or can prove your room and board costs, etc. And then move on.
I had a shrink once who said "You can divide the world into two lines. One line feels that they are not responsible to anything that happens/ed. The other line feels that they are responsible for EVERYTHING." I asked her which line I should get into and she said "Well, I don't know yet, but that second line is easier to treat". I suspect you can get in that second line. So relax. Be easier on yourself. You are the "responsible one. Responsible to expect herself to do everything, and responsible for everything that goes wrong, and nothing that goes right".
If you only need REASSURANCE, come here for it. We can tell you. Or go to friends. The family? Nah. There will be ENOUGH family trauma. Don't go there.

I don’t think you should feel guilty, if this is a number your mom can afford.
$1000 ($12,000 a year) is actually less than half of what most healthy retirees live on a year 30-35k.
sounds like you’re giving your mom a beautiful life, and a comfortable place, with her family. Assisted-living, and nursing homes, are astronomical which you probably know, also with all the shut downs, everyone is isolated which is heartbreaking.
I guarantee her expenses would be a lot higher if she lived in a house.
Currently figuring this out for my mom, and her expenses are out of control living on her own.
Sometimes it gives purpose.
My grandpa (96 yro) paid rent to my parents, he loved it. He also did a little projects around the house and fixed things all the time and it kept him active. He liked the feeling of being able to contribute.
If you’re feeling super guilty I would take a look at her finances to make sure it’s not over something she can afford. If it is may be adjusted a little bit to her income?