Last year, my 88 yr old Mother came to live with me and my family. She has been sick throughout the year, in the hospital, then rehabilitation. Currently, I am primary caregiver and handle all transportation to doctors and PT.
During the pandemic, I sold and purchased a larger home with first floor master, so I could move in all her furniture. She insisted she wanted her furniture if she was giving up her own home.
Her furniture and all her belongings are part of her trust so I will not receive her property.
Why is it now, I feel guilty that I have this beautiful home and receive $1000 a month from her to help with living expenses?
I have six siblings that all support this arrangement to varying degrees. However, no other sibling could care for her, plus Mom refuses to live with anyone else.
Help? Do I share this guilt with my siblings? I wish I could have done all this without her help. But I can’t. I know my logic vs emotion are conflicted.
My bros were clueless about the cost of MC, right up to the first place we checked (I had lined up two places to check, OB came up to view and YB came up with this new place just before our day to check!) We met for a bite to eat and discuss, and BOTH said "Gee, for that kind of money, I'd take her in!"
I knew nothing about dementia before I realized mom had started down this path. Started my research and continue to learn new tidbits now and then, so I was aware it wouldn't be cheap (it really can't be - while some are puzzled why so much, they don't take into account everything, not just the care for mom or pop. The cost of the building, food, food prep, heating, cooling, electricity, admin, cleaning, laundry, etc. adds up! If you average it by day, 8k would be about $267, but by the hour it's about $11. The actual people who provide the care probably don't get much more than that for hourly wages. Home care, 24/7 at the low end would be about $25/hr, totaling $18k for the month, but then add in all the costs of the home too, plus hourly rates go up for nights, overnights, weekends, holidays, etc. That's just for CNAs - nurses, if needed, are even more expensive!
Anyone who balks at payments like these need a serious reality check - provide costs for facility and in-home care, and show them the "real" cost of care... Then there's the physical and emotional cost in many cases - not all encounter this, but enough do, so it needs to be addressed as well!
Why would you want to deny her the right to contribute funds for her expenses? She isn’t asking for charity.
Please don’t feel guilty. You aren’t a lottery winner with tons of money. So, you are entitled to money that is being used for legitimate living expenses.
What is it that you have done wrong? You bought a larger home to welcome her and provide for what she wanted. You've taken her in and care for her. You've given up your job, which will reduce your own future finances, perhaps jeopardizing your own needs.
If mom is agreeable to this arrangement and your siblings are *more or less* supportive, what's to be guilty of?
Enjoy your mother while you can. Enjoy your lovely home. Make the most of it all while you can! The only caveats are those others have mentioned. Hopefully the payment and conditions for it have been documented legally. IF she is paying for care you provide, you should have a care-giver's agreement, also drawn up legally AND should be having all taxes withdrawn (State, Federal, SS and FICA (covers a lot, but includes Medicare.) Elder law atty can help with documents and perhaps with providing tax information. I use an IRS Enrolled Agent, who has to stay up-to-date with ALL IRS rules and changes. He doesn't charge any more than the local Blockheads AND knows what he's doing! Since you would be considered self-employed, you could probably pay these as quarterly estimates - a good tax person would be able to advise you.
Also, if you manage her SS funds, you should (if you haven't already) sign up as rep payee. While one *can* manage her account where the SS funds are deposited, SS does NOT accept this. I took over mom's account and paid her bills with it, but when we moved her to MC and planned to sell the place, changing address became a problem. Federal mail can't be forwarded and without being her rep payee, I couldn't make the change (POAs do NOT work for federal entities.) Legally it is the only way one should handle any other person's SS funds (clearly spelled out in the documentation that came with the application and approval!)
Try to let the guilt feelings go. You are doing your best to care for her, you have siblings who don't seem to be fighting you or bucking the system, and all seems relatively great - relish it all!!!
(EDIT: also, $1000/month is PEANUTS!!! Mom's MC place is over $8k and NH estimates would be likely double that! If it's for her care, that's only $33/day - you couldn't hire much more than 1 hr/day help, if that, for that kind of money! If it's to offset the cost of a larger home to accommodate her, then she's still getting a GREAT deal! Could she rent even a small apartment for that amount? Probably not, but she also gets a bonus caregiver for her "rent".)
If your “guilt” is because you are receiving the money, consider the fact that however much more help you will need to continue to maintain her level of care, the amount you are receiving is nowhere NEAR what her expenses would (or will) be if she ultimately needs 24/7 care.
Consider also that Mom’s right to “refuse” is based on her ability to make valid decisions and manage her own welfare realistically and lucidly, which can vary/change in a short time span.
Finally, whatever you have done “for her comfort”, may or may not continue to work for her as her other circumstances and general health continue to change.
So the guilt? It doesn’t really serve anyone well, least of all you or your mother. The only real concern is keeping fastidious records concerning where the $1,000 goes, so that it is CLEAR that your mother receives $1,000 benefit from her “donation” every month. Perhaps input from an accountant of financial manager or lawyer can help you with this. Consider your goal to be allowing the guilt to dissipate, rather than whether or not to share it. That’s because what you do with love and research and planning may not result in perfect solutions (there aren’t any) but may be the only choices you have.
Do you think your Mother should receive hands-on care & housing from her offspring - no matter the financial burden to them?
I know my Dad did. So it caused him guilt that he could not provide this. (House still full with children, was still employed full-time etc).
Why on earth do you feel guilty? You had to stop working to do this. And now she's only giving you $1000/month? What does that work out to be for an hourly rate? Is this an official caregiver contract with taxes taken out? I hope so.
Why are you feeling guilty about your house? Who paid for it?
Your siblings should be the ones feeling guilty, because they are getting one heck of a deal getting out of doing anything by your getting the measly pittance of $1000/month for taking care of your mother, "who is 88 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, hearing loss, heart disease, incontinence, mobility problems, osteoporosis, and urinary tract infection."