Why do I have to give all my details to get a listing of area housing? Sick of it.
Not interested in talking to anyone right now, just want to research options. And vent. ;)
I work full time and I can't spend my day on the phone at work, so what I really need is someone who can do the calling around and is aware of the local senior services landscape.
My mom is in independent living and they keep raising the rent, to the point where they have maxed out the monthly income and there is no extra left over. She does not take advantage of many of the meals nor hardly any of the activities, and even without a kitchen we seem to spend over $50/week(!!) on groceries. She doesn't have a car (nor is it a good idea for her to have one, for the sake of everyone else on the road). She is mostly healthy, 83, uses a walker, but is sometimes forgetful and can act like an 8 year old with temper tantrums and illogical decisions, and limited attention span/lack of patience.
RANT ALERT. She says she will take care of something and then doesn't. Which from my standpoint just makes me mad, and it really gets me when she is not ready to go on time. All she has to do all day long is make a couple phone calls and take some notes, or get out of bed on time and get cleaned up to go out. I understand why it's hard for her but it still makes me angry. She wants to make her own decisions and then can't come up with the alternatives to decide upon, and then gets mad at me when I do it without her. Makes me FUMING mad!!! The current management complains to me about her messy apartment (she was removed from a hoarding situation, so to me some dirty dishes are no big deal) and then when I talk to her about it she gets mad that they called me and not her. I have repeatedly explained her finances to her, what's coming in vs. what's going out, but it doesn't change her "buy me/bring me/gimme me/get me" attitude.
I have, thank goodness, found a reloadable credit card that you can control where it can be used (internet: no. restaurants: yes. Yes, there's a fee) down to the specific store detail, and pings me with a text when it's used. I give her an Amazon "allowance" monthly, an Amazon gift card that is reloaded and every month I get a call from her to free up her credit card so she can use it on Amazon and I have to tell her to use the gift card as the payment method. YEESH, thanks, END RANT!!
I need to look into less expensive alternatives. We have a couple more years to clear the Medicaid look-back period (and there is probably enough to cover her for those 2 years with her Social Security).
I'm thinking I want to move her into an apartment and pay to have someone look in on her regularly, help her with housekeeping, and take her to doc appts and grocery shopping etc. and maybe adult day care or craft classes or something 1 or 2 times a week to get her socializing. She won't do anything social if it isn't convenient/easy. She can't figure out how to use the Uber app (and I haven't decided if that's good or bad).
One of the benefits of where she's at now that gives me peace of mind is that there are people around so if she doesn't show up they'll check in on her. And this particular place is convenient to me, 5 minutes down the road. But she feels out of place because the people are a little better off than her financially. There is another similar place about 35 minutes from me that is less expensive, but I won't be able to just pop over there on a work night.
So, I'm torn, and in need of advice and someone to help me do some research. (no siblings, btw.)
THANK YOU for listening!
6 Answers
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You may be expecting too much from Mom. Even if not early signs of Dementia there maybe some age decline. A good full physical would be good. Mentally and physically. I had a very simple cell phone. You pushed a button for on and the same button for off. My Mom just never got the hang of it.
You don't have to answer, but why do u have to wait 5 yrs to get beyond the Medicaid lookback? Did Mom give away a large amount of money or sell a house under market value? Unless Mom declines quickly, she doesn't seem to fit the criteria neededfor Medicaid to pay for her care in a LTC facility. Medicaid doesn't usually pay for ALs. (Some states have wavers) In my state, you have to private pay at least two yrs before Medicaid will pay and that is only if the facility hasn't gotten to the % of residents on Medicaid they allow.
I have gone around looking for housing for my nephew. Not once did I have to give out any personal info other than what his disabilities were. Only if he planned on applying was personal info needed.
Have u tried a realtor? Maybe they can research for you. Like with my nephew, you need to know his age and income, to see what he can afford. And he is physically disabled. We have a Senior Hudd apartment that is very nice. They require 30% of ur income. They will take disabled people under 62 but...a 62 year old is considered over him. Now, we have a number of 55 and up near us, but they will not take him. These are low income apts.
Your local Office of Aging maybe able to help. They may have transportation available and other resources. Independent living or an Assisted Living. I ask because I have never heard of an independent living not being like an apartment. And, that people enter her space enough to know that she is messy.
My ? to the OP, dunazee, was if they didn’t mind sharing just what was the situation that would - in their belief - cause a transfer penalty. Like if it was a real property transfer - like a house gifted for zero to someone - or if it was $ given outright, or $ left but no documentation, or if there was a perhaps coercion situation.
Transfer penalties are not, imho, not a 1 size fits all as each state sets its administration of Medicaid uniquely and within that each state sets its own room & board daily rate which is central to the penalty placed. Penalties can be waived. Real property value if it’s a FMV transfer penalty issue can be determined in more than just the way Medicaid might look at it. Ownership can be changed back.
I’m just curious as to what impropriety was done that p Dunazee was basing the 2 yr point on for getting beyond for look-back on.
I have The Curse of The Only Child: I am POA, Executor, Rep Payee and VA Fiduciary.
She has medical care. She has some cognitive decline (hence me being all of the above), but she is no where near ready for a nursing home. A little more structure than IL might be a good thing, but that would need to be a discussion with / recommendation from her doctor.
@igloo, regarding the look back: The look back in NC (where we both are) and Ohio (where she moved from) are both 5 years. Her house was sold about 3 years ago and the proceeds were put into a trust. About half of the proceeds were distributed to her debtors and put in a funeral plan. What is left is all she has to live on, above and beyond her monthly income, which are maxed out in the current situation.
Therefore, I'm trying to do some research on costs: IL vs. AL vs. Apartment/Caregiver (not in that order). I don't think she would like a board & care home, unless she could have her own room, but I would certainly take a look. Other things that would need to be taken into account: There would be moving expenses. If she moved into an apartment there would be furniture purchases and utilities that she is not paying now. Ultimately I'm trying to make the money go as far as possible, so if I add in those things does it end up being a wash and we should stay put? This is what I'm trying to figure out.
@Alva, thanks for the compliment. I don't think I could teach a class but I do know enough to know what I don't know, if you know what I mean. ;) And this site has been invaluable! I tell all my younger friends to set things up for their kids and to talk to their parents before there's pressure to make a decision. I think my biggest issue with my mother is that she had no plan whatsoever, and so it's been time consuming (in an already time-crunched life) and emotionally draining.
Reading everyone's suggestions, I see I need to research Medicaid. However, right now I don't think it's necessary (the Medicaid, not the research), nor do I think we would qualify. I don't think she needs to be in a nursing home at all just yet, I just want to get my ducks in a row so I'm not making a last minute decision.
Thank you Everyone for your compassion and advice.
If this is her, I’d suggest you look into getting her into board & care home. These cost way less than AL but about IL rates but usually do no shopping trips or doctor visits. It’s residental care & living not nursing oversight living situation. These can kinda be under the radar to find as how they get licensed & regulated vary greatly by state. They are not under set staffing ratios like a NH or AL might be. Usually board & care are 8 - 10/12 same sex residents in a home, 2 to a shared room usually with a jack & jill bathroom between 2 rooms. Think of a college dorm where 4 girls have 2 simple bedrooms, but 1 shared bathroom. Then x2. The owner lives there full time and has staff come in for meals and housekeeping and usually 1 who comes at lights out & stays up all night & sets up breakfast and ends their day. Residents need to be somewhat good on their ADLs as there is not nursing staff or PTs but more like aides to help out during the day.
Your Area on Aging should have a list of local board & care if not a statewide listing.
I looked into a couple for my mom my mom ages ago. For her situation, in her 90s but pretty healthy, living on her own in her home, still driving, doing yard work. She was ideal B&C resident (as she was social, & pretty good on ADLs & being team player not all Queenie type) except I lived state’s away and there was no local family or friends truly dependable to cover what B&C didn’t. Like scheduling & taking to medical appointments or shopping or to beauty shoppe, or out to visit friends or to church, etc. The B&C didn’t do this, it was local family who came & got their mom /aunt out for appointments. So for my mom, IL was better choice as in addition to meals & housekeeping, had field trips, shopping runs and ability to schedule medical transportation plus the MD from the adjacent AL or NH could be brought over in a pinch (this billed to Medicare and their secondary insurance needed to be one that the medical director was a participating provider with, my mom was BCBS so ok). All included in IL rent. Was better option for us.
B&Cs I looked at were about the same costs as IL but lots more 1-on-1 for daily living type of routine aging in place type of care, but family had to be there to do what they didn’t. B&C would do “medication management” if the RXs or OTC stuff was simple pill taking. No insulin shots or drugs that have serious warnings (Fentanyl).
I understand your predicament..... your mom’s paying for stuff she isn’t using. Towards the end of my mom’s living in IL, she stopped going on excursions, or on site activities, missed some meals & had them brought to her apt (which was extra cost), stopped doing her laundry as needed. BUT Still good on ADLs, meds & getting bathed & dressed appropriately & nailed it on fire drills. Then some late nite crusing hallways & missing medications started. I got her moved from IL to NH bypassed AL phase. Took abt 6 mos of MD visits to establish need for skilled nursing care but she was in her 90’s. Your mom’s way younger.
You may want as a starting point to have your mom get a care plan evaluation done to make sure that she’s likely to be independent enough for say another 2/2.5. years so good for B&C home rather than need AL or NH. & outside the Medicaid transfer penalty you know exists. You don’t want to move her only to find out 5 mos from now they need her out & she doesn’t yet have Medicaid LTC as an option.
As an aside, if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the backstory on the Medicaid penalty you know is out there?
Step back for a moment and think carefully about where you think or predict Mom might be in a few years. It sounds like she has some cognitive issues. If it’s dementia, and even if it’s not, it will not get better. Speak with your local Medicaid office and see if you have any alternatives regarding waiting a few years to clear the look back.
If you do not have Power of Attorney for her, you need to get it now. If she has a hoarding problem, she should not have access to Amazon. I would also check out Care.com or indeed.com and find a personal companion for her for her errands and possible trips to daycare, etc. and, if she hasn’t been checked out by her doctor lately, she needs to go to be evaluated for dementia and possibly depression.