Why do so-called close friends abandon you when you need them the most? Not getting any support following mother's severe Alzheimer’s diagnosis.

You will get support here.

I believe most people are VERY uncomfortable with dementia.
As some people fear death.

They do not know what to say due to their own discomfort.
Instead of being able to come out and say that, they retreat.

Have you reached out to these friends and let them know that you feel abandoned? Giving "I statements". ...
I feel xxx
instead of: "You abandoned me" which will put them more on the defensive than they may already be.

It all depends on if you want to confront them and what benefit it is to you to do so. You might get more support from strangers (such as we are - who understand what you are feeling and want to support you) or someone at a church or counseling center.

While it may be difficult to do, try to realize that they may not feel they are abandoning you due to their own inability to be present and support you, and they are embarrassed that they do not know what to say or how to support you.

Sometimes a person needs to tell their 'friends' (family) HOW to offer support, or what you actually want and need to feel supported. These friends may be abl and desirous to give you support if you tell them what you need.
They may even want to and feel embarrassed that they don't know what to do - or how.

It depends on what feels right to you to take care of yourself.

How are you managing?
Let us know how you are doing.

Gena / Touch Matters

There are too many answers to this question. I don't have answers.
People do what they do.
Fear is a big one. Fear becomes a major part of the elders life.
They treat old timers issues like they treated AIDS. They just live in the fear and don't do the research.
Mourning. They mourn the loss of their loved one even though the loved one is sitting right in front of them. They don't understand their own grief.
These answers don't help me.
They don't help when I am frustrated. They don't come by to help when the dishes need cleaned. They don't help when I can't escape the yelling and name calling. They don't help me. I am the one that needs help because I am the one that is here twenty four seven.
I don't need more judgey people in my life either. I sacrificed my own home to move here. I did. No one else did. Oh and let me tell you the judgey that came out of that.
I am angry that the family judges and shuts me out instead of helping.
They listen to his gossip and manipulation and lies. They stay away. They don't want to get involved.
I am learning more about Alzheimer's than I ever cared to.
It scares me too.
So, if you look or read the comments here it is obvious there are judgey people here too.
Judgey hurts. Judgey is unacceptable.
I don't have answers for anyone but me and I am looking for answers and a place to ask questions. Judgey makes it not safe.
Be curious instead.

This is my first post on here but I figured it was a good one for me to weigh in. My mother is late 60’s and has Alzheimers. About 3 years ago it got to the point that she was becoming a danger to herself so I tried to get her some home help but she ended up stabbing one of them and (to this day) she has never accepted that she has even the slightest issue, despite what numerous doctors and neurologists have said. Since she wasn’t willing to let anyone else help her I ended up selling my house and my business and moving back in with her to take care of her.

We live in a very small town and most of her friends live in the same neighborhood as her (and now me) and are within walking distance.

One of the first things I noticed were her friends avoided her like the plague. They would come bring food and stop by for 10-15 minutes once or twice a month but that’s it. And I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t do more, after all they are her lifelong friends. These are folks who she got together with multiple times per week before she got the Alz.

It wasn’t until about 2 months ago that I realized why.

Mom and all her friends had children around the same time so they are all around my age and most of their kids are my lifelong friends. One of them was actually staying at his parents house for the night just down the street and they finally got the Starlink (we have awful cell service here) so I could watch the camera feed from moms bedroom from their house and it was only a 2 minute golf cart drive away if I needed to go back. So once I got mom to bed for the third time that night, and it seemed like she was going to stay, so I drove down there to sit with him by the fire pit and drink a few beers. (which was the first time i had seen one of my own friends in person for probably 6 mo’s so it was pretty dang awesome). But after his parents went to bed we were just chatting by the fire (and drinking beer!) and he said something to me that was eye opening. I don’t think he realized it, but it answered so many questions for me.

What he said was “You realize that all the moms in the neighborhood are terrified of your mom. They talk about it all the time and they all think they’re next”

I hadn’t really thought it about that way before and it makes sense. They’re all in their mid to late 60’s and moms the first of that friend group to have any age related illness. And hers is Alzheimer’s which is the stereotypical old person disease. Seeing mom is basically a reminder to them that it’s all downhill from here and that’s tough for them to process.

I can even relate with it too. I am in only in my late 30’s and I want to have a family and kids but I can’t right now because I can’t even go on a date because I have to take care of mom 24/7. I am fortunate that I’m a man and I don’t have to worry about menopause but I also don’t want to be old as sh** when I have kids and make them deal with what I am dealing with now. So every day I wonder if family and kids is even still an option and that terrifies me. When one of my friends gets married or has a kid I just get a sense of dread because no matter how much I want to be happy for them, I can’t help but think that I’m never going to have that option. So I can only imagine what it would feel like to be in your 60’s and have to confront the fact that most of your friends are going to start getting cancer, dementia, heart issues, etc over the coming decade.

i was resentful at moms friends for a long time for not doing more but not so much now. And I have also learned if you ask them to come help, they will usually do it.

Close friends your own age may be struggling with their own parents and families.
Recalling that the phone works both ways.

Go out to lunch at a Senior center.

No one wants to be reminded that these things can happen to them or their family and friends at any time. Out of sight and out of mind. When my neighbor was recently diagnosed with dementia following a hip fracture, my first thought was thank goodness it wasn't my husband. I am sure that many of our neighbors felt the same way. It used to be in the back of my mind, but now it is right in front of me when I look at the house across the street. I tend to get too involved and was getting more depressed. I am cordial and friendly with his wife, but have had to back off from helping too much. I am sorry this is happening to you. When we finally had to put my 95 yo mom in AL, I felt that other family members were my new family. They were going through the same thing and we supported each other.

I think most people are busy or just don’t want to commit. I’m not interested in helping others. It’s not for your friends to manage your problem. You need to set up care that is appropriate.

So sorry you are going through this. My mom has the manipulation form of dementia. Her symptoms worsen when she can’t have her way or if she’s not getting the attention she desires. Mom is again in a memory care facility, it was very hard to deal with her (I’ve care for her in my home off and on over 8 years). Now my husband is chronically ill, and that causes additional strain on my mental and physical health. Family questioned why I stayed in the hospital with him in the initial days of admission! Like I needed to explain that. When I needed help with my mom, you could sense their reluctance although they did help. But I knew not to ask for help again. I paid for their time and gas money. They took it!! Some people just want you to it all and not bother them. Sometimes if they never experienced caregiving, they have no idea of what you do day to day. I have friends that I can share frustrations with. But I don’t share everything with everyone. What I’ve learned is you shouldn’t count on people, especially family. It’s just to frustrating.

Some of other people's remarks helped me to understand several things. Feeling abandoned is felt to many who are caregivers. Not being able to go places with others is isolating too. My husband sleeps most mornings and starts to talk and move around in the afternoon. So if I don't go out in the morning, I virtually have no conversation with a person. To make it worse my husband is nearly deaf and jokes don't exist. His sense of humor was one of the attributes I causing to fall in love with him.
Prayers for all caregivers.

I might offer a different perspective from what most people are saying about "fair-weather friends." Generally, those of us who are caring for elderly parents are getting on in age ourselves. We have families, financial worries, health problems and other growing concerns of our own. Most of us are already giving everything we can to our friends, families and ourselves. I'm an only child who had no one to help me care for my 96-year-old mom for the last 20 years (she's in a skilled nursing facility now), and I've made a point of NOT placing expectations on anyone else, because I assume they're already maxed out in their own lives. Paradoxically, the result seems to be that my friends DO support me deeply (although that hasn't been the intention of my approach). At this stage of my life I also just want my time with my friends to be a source of joy amidst all the difficulties and drama of life, and I assume others want the same. Ease in a friendship doesn't mean the friendship isn't "real." The beautiful thing about friendships is that we can have many — we can just appreciate each person for what they have to offer, and let the rest go. I also strongly recommend finding a therapist and/or support group that you can "dump" on without worrying about overburdening your loved ones. Having said all that, it's a lonely road no matter what, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some peace and comfort during the journey ahead.

You know what they say. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Close family members abandon each other when there's an elderly person who needs caregiving. I've seen this happen when it's not a needy elder with dementia. When it's a younger person who gets a serious illness or becomes handicapped. Sometimes people turn away because they're afraid of the situation and don't know how to interact with the sick person or the elder with dementia and don't know what help to offer. Others stay away because they want to make sure they don't get asked to help with anything.

I was a homecare worker for many years before going into the business of it. I have had many family caregivers tell me exactly what you're saying here. No one is giving them any support. Here's what I always told them. Think about exactly what types of support you want from friends or family and write it down. Then tell your friends and family. If you want elder-sitting support so you can have time off, ask for it. If you want someone to complain to about caregiving, ask for it or come here and tell us. Everyone here can relate. If you need help with financial support, maybe your friends can help to get you in the paid family caregiver program. Whatever types of support you need ask for it. Nobody is a mind-reader who can guess what you need or want from them if you only tell them you need 'support'. That can mean a lot of different things.

Be specific and if your friends continue to avoid you, they're not good friends and you're better off without them.

Today my mother has turned 89. Diagnosed with Alzheimer's 14 years ago, I've been her full-time caregiver, 24/7. Not 365, because my brother comes home twice a month and so I can go hiking in the mountains near Barcelona. Those two Sundays a month of freedom can allow me to go on with my task.
In your question hides the answer: "so-called close friends". People are selfish, and weak, and lazy, and telling otherwise is just delusional.
I have been caregiving for 14 years now, at home, just my mother and me.
Friends? Family? No way José.
Excuse my cynism, but you learn from experience.
Stay strong, because strength is the only thing you have.

As a friend once told me: “ There are friends of the road, and friends of the heart.” I’m too old to spend time with the friends of the road who left when things got bumpy. Just treasure your friends of the heart. The difference is clear when you need support.

When you are a full time caregiver for a dementia patient expect it to be a lonely, thankless, guilt ridden, doubt ridden, bitter/sweet, exhausting, joy/joy less, fatigue like you never experienced and if people have not experienced it--- it is useless to try to explain it to them. Stop expecting help and support especially from family members and friends. I really do understand and wish you the best.

Are you looking for emotional support or are you expecting people to volunteer hands-on help? You are likely to be disappointed if you expect help, but you may be surprised by support from unexpected sources. Make arragnements for hands on help and look for emotional support in support groups. Ask the Alzheimer's Association for referrals about both.

People get scared for some reason. Both of my
mother’s brothers and her sister refuse to see her after nearly ten years because they can’t handle how badly she’s deteriorated. They won’t help us financially nor even visit her. I’m alone caring for her 24/7/365 and can’t afford an in-home caregiver. If I put her in a home, we lose our house. That’s life for some caregivers in the US.

Some can feel so uncomfortable around diagnoses such as Alzheimer's, dementia, cancer etc.. They just want to be as far away from it as possible.
I have discovered, too, that most people don't like to reach out and that I have to do go most of the getting in touch. It can make you feel sad sometimes, especially since we also need support and to feel like we matter.

Everyone has something going on in their life. If you've supported these friends when bad things happened to them and they're not reciprocating now, yes, they might be so-called friends. If you don't know what's going on in their lives or you haven't supported them when bad things happened to them, this might be the kind of friendship you have generally.

It's one of the most painful parts of this that nobody warns you about. The people you expected to show up just don't, and you're left navigating one of the hardest things a person can go through feeling invisible. You're not alone in experiencing this even though it probably feels that way right now. How are you holding up with everything on the care side of things?

What sort of support are you looking for? A listening ear? Bringing over a meal? Running errands? These are things that are pretty easy to do that would be very appreciated by me as a caregiver.

I think a lot of friends fade away because they are afraid they'll be asked to do actual caregiving duties. If they've never been around a person with Alzheimer's, they might think they're all violent, crazy, and running around naked outside. That's not the norm, but those are the stories people hear about. If that's what they think, who can blame them for distancing themselves?

Then there's the issue of 'out of sight, out of mind'. You're probably so bogged down with caregiving duties, that you're out of circulation with your friends. Sure, a good friend would call and check on you, but these friends have lives too.

Perhaps you can call and check on them and get the lines of communication re-opened. If they ask how they can help, make it a small ask, because every little bit helps.

Don’t expect any help from anyone ever. Not friends or family. Even if you hire aides to come in to the house, expect 99% of them to quit after 1 day. It is just the way it is. I happened to find 1 caring caregiver from an agency and then I hired her private pay. She was with us for about 7 years until I placed my mom back into nursing home at age 96. The stand assist lift at home mom couldn’t hold onto handlebars anymore with her curled hands..& sometimes not following directions…it was too risky. At the nursing home, she was 2 person assist hoyer lift…& was there almost 3 years…until she passed away peacefully in February at age 98. Hugs 🤗

I know how you feel. I take care of my mom with severe dementia, and I'm all on my own. There's some days I don't want to wake up in the morning.. I push myself because I know she needs me. Tonight she told me I wasn't her daughter, and she didn't know who I was. That about killed me..

If it wasn't for my best friend, I don't think I could make it through this. It is so hard when you're doing it all alone. I give you all the credit in the world. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to message me.

What support did you request from them? Did you ask them to help care for your mom, or did you just want someone to talk to?

Because they are what I call "Fair Weather Friends."

Your friends probably have their own family issues, since that usually is the case. I hate asking for help myself, I've been independent and lived alone for 23 years. No kids, either. I've learned you can't expect family members, or friends (or anyone else) to give you support with your Mother's diagnosis, unless they know what it's like themselves. It's not their Mother, so they don't care.

The problem usually is they don't know what to say. They are kind of scared for you. You will need to do what it takes to get strong quickly. People here will guide you.
I wish you strength and patience with your Mother, as she goes down a hard road ahead.

When My Mom was Hospitalized and I Had to Place her in a Nursing Home -Her sister , Best friend and Favorite daughter did Not want to get Involved . They Came to the funeral instead or sent flowers .

Times like these really reveal who your true friends are. It’s unfortunate that some are simply fair weather friends who only want to have fun. These are also probably the type of people who can’t maintain connection if you don’t do it or live nearby. I think this is revealing their own weakness. It’s sad but you need new friends!

I never wanted my friends' support because I looked forward to enjoying spending time with them to take my mind off my caregiving misery. I did not want to dump these problems on them. Having their friendship means a lot to me. I'm sure if I asked, they would have supported me in some way.

I come here to this site for support and to vent.

Unmet expectation = premeditated disappointment

What kind of support were you hoping for? Emotional support? If so, what does that look like to you? Help with her care? What kind of help? I'm asking because it is perfectly reasonable to think your friends would rally around you emotionally and socially, but unreasonable to think they are going to participate in any kind of daily or weekly hands-on help.

I'm sorry that you are feeling abandoned. As others have pointed out, ALZ is a horrible diagnosis and being around someone with it maybe makes your senior friends think about their own futures...or maybe they've dealt with it in their pasts and shudder at the thought of it.

Please actively find other local support groups, Facebook pages, church groups, senior center events. Don't let your emotional and social life whither even if your friends don't ever step up for you.

May you receive great wisdom and peace in your heart on this journey.

I found Mom's repair guys were simply the best for me.

Her 90 year old appliance repair guy dropped off beautiful gladioli flowers from his garden for Mom.

Her general contractor spent about an hour talking to me about the mustard seed story and we talked about our Moms.

Her electrician was a very kind African American guy who always had kind words for me.

I felt abandoned by my friends also. A kind word, sitting and talking with me or dropping by a healthy meal would have meant a lot.

Fortunately the kind men who worked in the trades really picked up the slack.

It's not just Alzheimer's and dementia, it's any ugly disease like cancer that nobody wants to face, look at or deal with. That's what I've found. My mother had dementia and lived in Memory Care and friends and family stopped visiting. It was Too Much to see her like that. I guess they expected foaming at the mouth or Linda Blair type turning of the head 360 degrees on her neck, vomiting green, etc.

For me it was a stage 4 cancer diagnosis. Nobody came to see me. My cousins wife dropped off a restaurant gift card at my front door, refused to come inside, and my cousin waited in the car. My other cousin mailed a card. I guess nobody ever told them cancer is not contagious. After awhile, the phone calls stopped altogether and nowadays I call them to see how they are. I always say I'm "fine" because that's what's expected.

I belong to a private stage 4 melanoma group on Facebook and Agingcare to speak to people who "get it".

So sorry you are experiencing abandonment. It's too difficult for some people to face these things. I think my mom's friends and some of our family members were afraid of the situation, not knowing how to react if she didn't remember them and was no longer the same person they had known. My husband, sons, and my niece were there for me and for her. Even my ex showed up. My brother couldn't handle it, so stayed away. People fear what they don't understand. My very close friends stayed in touch I think because I told them the stories about the strange things my mom did. It was a long ten years of those stories and they still remember the humor mixed with the sadness. They only knew her through the stories and the paintings I did of her, as they had not known her before the Alzheimer's. I do think there is beginning to be more awareness of the illness and hopefully family members will not in the future be so overwhelmed with the care involved. The heartbreak of your mom's decline is challenging enough to go through. Without your friends it makes it even harder. Keep trying to engage with them. Or find new friends who are going through similar things.