After one of many falls most recently broke her arm and pelvis she refused to use a walker, puts rugs down and in the most dangerous places, insists on sitting in her spinning chair (shes had accidents on this chair, goes outside to sweep at the top of the stairs and recently had the raised toilet seat removed because cleaning and controlling is more important than living (the bathroom is where she's had the most falls) I'm sure your thinking dementia right? She is too manipulative to have dementia and even if I thought she should be tested she would be highly offended. She will not stop telling me and my children what we "should do" and won't listen to a thing anyone else says. She's always been this way and is very critical and when I get hurt and angry she just ignores me. She smothered me so much as a kid I couldn't wait to leave but yet felt so guilty for leaving her and she encouraged me to feel that way. I live with her and know that if I could leave things would be better. I'm 54 year old woman and if I spent a night with a friend or boyfriend when I'd come home in the morning she'd ignore and not look at me for two days. When I asked her why she did that to me she said " in my day that wasn't accepted." I now can't stand my mother I have so much anger because her hurtful treatment of me never stopped and I go to therapy for exactly these reasons and can't confront her now (have been trying for many years to explain how I feel) So I guess I have to wait for her to die and then feel terribly guilty for the rest of my life right? Sorry for venting when this website is really to help elderly people. I'm no prize myself but she acts like she's never made a mistake. My older sister did not go thru with gender reassignment because of mother's reaction.
Doesn't that make it wrong to keep on telling your mother to stop cleaning the bathroom in case she falls? You've told her. She knows. Let it be up to her. If she breaks her hip (rather than her neck) that'll put a stop to her activities quite soon enough - and you will even get to think 'told you so.' Don't say it though. That would be mean.
I hate raised toilet seats too, but then some of the ones I see look as if nobody has ever even attempted to clean them. I don't know if it would be worthwhile, it's only a detail after all, but you can get "comfort height" toilets which do away altogether with the need for those horrible plastic things that gather grime round the rims and stop you putting the lid down. More expensive and much more trouble to install, of course, but they are out there.
By the way, though. Being manipulative and controlling does not, as far as I know, protect the brain from dementia. Is there anything that makes you suspect this apart from your mother's refusal to exercise common sense?
Forgive me for being plain nosey now: so when did you leave, and when did you go back to living with her, and why?
https://www.liveyourtruestory.com/examples-of-passive-aggressive-behaviour-communication/
This website, by the way, is not just to help elderly people........it's to help US deal WITH elderly people and all the chronic BS they tend to throw our way!!!
So back to my mother. She has fallen 45x since she's been in Assisted Living (2014), but most falls have occurred over the past 3 years. She's been in Memory Care since June, and has fallen 9x since being there. Twice last Monday and once this morning. She is wheelchair bound but insists on doing everything 'her way' which results in all the falls. When she was ambulatory, she refused to use her walker all the time, resulting in many, many falls as well. Believe it or not, she's only broken sternum bones and ribs and has never been to the hospital as a result of one of her many falls. Yet. I am praying to God she does not have to go to the hospital NOW, during this virus crisis, because then she'll have to go alone.
I am sorry you are having to deal with all of this in your home. What can you do to either move out of her home or move her out of your home? If I had to live with my mother, I would literally shoot myself. We're just oil & water & it would never work, as it's not working for you. Why are you waiting to make a change? At 54 years old, it's time to have your OWN life and get out from the chronic judgments of your mother because she will NEVER change. She will never stop doing what she's doing or acting like she's acting, trust me. Things only go downhill from here as they continue to age & as the dementia and/or the personality disorder worsens. Just get out now, and leave the guilt behind. The anger you're feeling will only fester and ruin YOUR life, as anger always tends to do. Just figure out how to leave this situation behind you and let your mother alone to live life on HER terms. You can't care more about her well being than SHE does, right?
Be well. Take care of you. And get out. Good luck
It sounds like your mom has always been manipulative and hurtful. Unfortunately those qualities don’t tend to improve with advanced age. The dangerous behaviors, however, are likely from a lack of insight (anosognosia). Lack of insight can be part of certain psychiatric disorders but is also noted in different forms of dementia. Essentially your mom doesn’t have the awareness to recognize her physical and cognitive impairments, resulting in unnecessary risks. It’s incredibly hard to deal with and I’m glad you are able to see a therapist to help you manage. I’m hoping you can find a way to remove yourself from the living arrangements and see the relationship for what it is. Hugs to you.