I have a sister and a brother who could be helping me with expenses. Mom is in AL & I take her to all appointments, for outings, hair salon, etc. They've never once offered to help with my costs for all this. I live a 2&1/2 hour drive away! There are nephews who live 20 minutes away! But nothing. I don't know how to approach the subject. Or - do i see how mom would feel about moving to a home in my city? She has been in her current AL for almost a year. How traumatic would that be for her? Anyone done that?
Your family has never once offered financial help for your help to your mother. Of course not! Most people would not think of that. Have you asked them? "Guys, I make the trip to the ALF x times a month. I am happy to do it, but the trips are putting a strain on my budget. Would you be willing to chip in for gas?"
But I don't think getting a little gas money is the solution. A five-hour round trip to visit your mother is burdensome, whether you are getting some money for it or not. If no one else is visiting Mom where she is, moving her closer to you seems the obvious solution. Do you think any family member would object?
In proposing this to family, I suggest you leave out references to money, or to their lack of visiting. Don't say anything that will make them defensive. Just focus on this being good for Mom's welfare. You could make more frequent visits if she were close. You could drop in to take her for ice cream and bring her back in less time than it would take you now just to get to her building. You would be close at hand if an emergency arose.
Don't say, "Because no one else bothers to visit her ..." or anything that sounds like an accusation. This is just something that would be very good for mother.
I wish you success!
Also, why does the facility not do these things? Most of the AL's in my state have the hair dresser on premises. And the facility provides the transportation to doctor appointments. Family members normally meet them at the medical appointment. So, I wouldn't expect siblings to contribute money to me, if I were in that situation. It might be nice, but, when so many struggle for money, maybe they don't feel comfortable with it.
If you are going to be the one caring for mom in the AL, I would take steps to make it as easy for me as possible. I might explain that to siblings so they understand why she needs to be nearer to you.
Assess what you are spending on your mom - she should be spending this, not you. Sounds like you are volunteering to do stuff for you mom, or maybe she is demanding this of you, but the solution isn't to dump this all on your siblings.
Her memory care facility is expensive and she will be out of savings soon
If your mom is still reasonably cognizant then I'd say move her closer to you while it is still manageable
My only sibling never calls, never visits. The only contact was when Dad died.. by brother showed up to try to get money. Even suggested he would contest Dads will.
Last I heard from him was months ago. He sent me an email asking for money.
I don't even begin to think there will ever be help from that quarter.
I have no siblings, but I also was surprised at how much work is involved caring for an elder. I had no clue as I lived States away from my grandparents. Care usually falls into the hands of whomever lives the closest and who chooses to be the main caregiver. I wouldn't think any of the nieces or nephews are clued into caregiving and really it's not their responsibility even though it would be nice if they helped out once in awhile.... but they could feel once in awhile would turn into full-time.
cr, therefore, don't enable your Mom to a point where she depends on you for everything. Let her explore on her own within the facility to see what is available and to take advance of such, since she is paying for those perks.
But at the same time, you ask why they don't help with expenses. Well, probably because your mother's situation isn't costing them anything, so they don't think of it, and you haven't mentioned it, and they are not mind-readers. In brief - they don't pay because you haven't told them there's a cost.
The key thing, and it's a good thing, is that you're expressing this before it all gets totally out of hand and you end up howling with rage at them. If that were to happen, they would be first nonplussed, then defensive, then critical of you; and the whole thing would descend into a hideous vicious circle.
So your next step, having identified the (genuine) grievance, is to decide what to do about it.
It is correct to point out, as others have, that it is proper for your mother to reimburse any expenses you incur on her behalf: so if you're taking your mother to an appointment, there's nothing wrong with asking her to pay for your travel costs. Would you be able to ask her to do that? Is she still in charge of her own money?
You must also, somehow, bring yourself to talk to your brother and sister about how much help your mother expects (see also FF's important point about services provided within the facility) and how this is to be shared out fairly among the three of you.
Don't let it fester any more: call them.
P.S. If she's happy in the ALF, don't move her.
PPS Who picked the ALF, by the way?
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