I have been taking care of my mom for 15 years. It started when my dad gave her an ultimatum to sell their home or else he will leave in 2 months. My mom told me about this and that is when I decided to help her. She does not have any source of income other than her SS. Fast forward, I managed to get her Medi-Cal and other elderly care benefits through different programs through hard work, persistence, & help from case workers. Up to this time, my dad is still living with us and never left after so many threats of leaving my mom dry unless she will follow what he recommends. I was assaulted by him in 2019 for separating their tax returns for he has been taking all the refunds for the last 20+ years of joint returns. Since I am not a protected class, I have been putting myself on the line at all times even from the scrutiny of people who are not even taking care of my mom such as my younger sibling. I have mentioned to my sibling 3-5 years from now, I might turn over the care of my mom to her. She sounded okay with it, but later on became adamant she deserves to have some time of allowance to ensure my mom's care needs will be covered by asking a portion of my mom's property equity. I have no problem with this but she started to become dominant and wanted to be a primary executor with me (50/50 primary executors of her trust). She was fine with me as the primary before, but when I am about to turn the care of my mom to her, she became more critical and dominant. Here I am, never asked for anything from them other than moral support, managed to handle my mom's financial shortfalls for more than 15 years, never expected even something from her equity. I do have my own property and of course plans to retire in the near future.
Protect yourself because dealing with family can get nasty. We never took any money from him but that wasn't the case with other family and with his health problems he couldn't tell you anything of his finances.
We walked away all the stress wasn't worth it. Let them have the problems now. All the family members aren't in our family today.
Prayers. I would really look it over and decide if you want to have all of the problems.
Again prayers
While that may be obvious, it means you need to decide how to be involved in this dynamic - which isn't easy (for you).
If I were you, I would not give your 1% over to your sister (that 50-50%) situation. It depends on how involved you want to continue to be - in the 'kind' of relationships that are in place now.
I would recommend you get into therapy to deal with yourself, first.
Otherwise, it is a continual mental entangement for you - and who will suffer ? you and your mother.
It seems that some of your behavior depends on the mental state of both your dad and your mother. Is your mother diagnosed with dementia? Your dad has obviously 'ruled the roost' for their entire marriage. Your mom feels power-less and likely needs self-esteem building - which is a life long process. She (may) need you to advocate for her (as it seems you've been doing).
Decisions might depend on your mother's abilities to make decisions which are in her best interest(s). She may give that power away (as she has been doing) to your dad OR to her other daughter(s).
You need to take care of your mental health FIRST.
Do what you need to do for you - to be grounded so you can stand up for yourself - and your mother. If you do not have this 'self-enpowerment' you could / likely will give in (out of exhaustion, frustration, feeling defeated, powerless or use that ANGER energy to push through and own your-self and decision making - not be a push-over). You certainly could give legal powers for your mom's care to your sister(s) feeling empowered, although the key is how you feel when you make decisions. . . coming from a place of strength or giving in/up.
First get yourself into therapy.
Decide what you want to take on. You need clarity before you can make a decision.
Always put yourself first.
Let the past go. When you change how you relate to your sister(s), they will change. If they push back - then you decide what the next step is. Legal? step back ? stay engaged with the dynamics.
Be very clear on your boundaries (therapy will help you).
This isn't an 'easy fix.' You need to take a step at a time - which starts with how you feel about yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
Whoever is in the trenches on a daily basis should have the most say. These voices from the wilderness that make the annual pilgrimage and don't contribute much, I wouldn't lose much sleep over.
Every family is the same. Everything usually comes down to $$$. The priority for an elderly loved one's care should be the priority. But, the caregiver, really needs to be honest with themself. Look at their own health, finances, future situation.
The longer these situations go on you have to re-work the plan. Saying and doing are two different things. Who shows up? Who will bring you soup? Who returns phone calls in a timely fashion? All of these things tell you who should be on your team?
You have to build a team...some members need to be kicked off!
So for your sister to care for Mom she has criteria that has to be met. Well if Mom has been diagnosed with a Dementia, she can't agree to this and either can you. Even if you have POA, don't think you can write up an agreement where sister gets part of Moms equity in the home. Does Mom have a Will? If so that will determine who gets what. No Will the State will determine who gets what. The Trust, from what I understand they are ironclad. You cannot change what it says. So in my opinion, sis can ask for whatever she wants but Mom is no longer able to make a contract and you don'tbhave the authority. You need to see an elder lawyer to see what you can and can't do.
"Since I am not a protected class" What does this have to do with sis taking over Moms care?
If you look closely at yours you will see a check mark that is- Married, filing jointly.
" I have mentioned to my sibling 3-5 years from now, I might turn in the care of my mom to her. She sounded okay with it, but later on became adamant she deserves to have some time of allowance to ensure my mom's care needs will be covered by asking a portion of my mom's property equity. I have no problem with this but she started to become dominant and wanted to be a primary executor with me (50/50 primary executors of her trust). She was fine with me as the primary before, but when I am about to turn the care of my mom to her, she became more critical and dominant."
NONE OF THIS IS UP TO THE TWO OF YOU.
Where is your Mother and Father in all of this?
Are you even appointed as POA? If so are you POA for your Mother or for your Father or for both?
Are you keeping meticulous records of finances?
You do know, since you say that you "got her on Medicaid" that there will be clawback on the home of your parents if Medicaid kicks in and provides financial assistance, right?
For the life of me I haven't a clue what is happening here. But given you have a difficult sibling relationship I surely do hope that all the T's are crossed and all of the I's are dotted.
This could all end up in court in a hot minute.
I can only think to refer you to an elder law attorney to work out what HAS been done and what SHOULD be done.
I don't know if your parents are competent or not.
I don't know if you live with your parents or they live with you or if you have a care contract?
I just suggest professional help to you and wish you the best.
Take Sis along with you.