Widowed father and lady friend. Any advice?
Mom died 2 1/2 years ago, dad (almost 92 now) was her caregiver. He has been lonely, even though mom was a lot of responsibility for him and their relationship was tumultous, he says at least it was someone else sitting at the table with him. He now has a lady friend, a widow whose husband died in 2012. There seems to be a whirlwind romance going on even though he says they are just friends.
At first I was fine with the friendship which started in August. Now they seem to see each other almost every day. And I'm starting to get a little uncomfortable about this friendship because it seems to be moving very quickly. Interestingly, their paths crossed for years but they never met. Mutual friends at church introduced them to each other.
I keep telling myself that a second chance at love, no matter the age, is a good thing. And face it, at almost 92, dad doesn't have a whole lot of time left. He's so much more "alive" now when I talk to him each night. Last night, after they spent the day together at her house preparing her family Thanksgiving dinner, they went out to eat. She drove to the restaurant. His drink at the restaurant went to his head, so instead of going back to her house, she drove him straight home. (This means his car was at her house all night, are the rumors going to start?)
My husband, with a myriad of health issues, the worst being heart failure and dementia, declares that this relationship is an affair, that she's trying to steal my inheritance, and refuses to meet Joan and her family (we were invited to Thanksgiving with them, he refused to go). So that adds another level of tension for me because, darn it, my dh is often right when he feels something.
I should add that I have talked to Joan on the phone once. My first impression is that for a lady in her 80s, she is a real livewire! And the fact that she is preparing dinner for twenty -- including making yeast rolls from scratch -- tells me that she might be in better shape than I am!
Thoughts?
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Dad probably figured going to Florida, he would need to learn his way around, possibly find new doctors for that short time frame. It's tough "moving" at any age, even short term. It's like going on a really really long vacation. Plus he would be staying at her place which could make him feel uncomfortable as his generation it is the man who provides.
Dad's lady friend will be home before he knows it, and they can continue where they left off.
In the meantime, visit him, be the good daughter you've always been, tell him you're glad he's happy. No matter what your husband thinks, his brain is not what it once was, and besides, even if he's right, you can't do a thing. Enjoy your dad's happiness and stop worrying.
Perhaps he's just down in the mouth because he's missing her company and possibly going as far as to think she'll be looking for someone who can keep pace with her.
If he didnt want to go it sounds like dad dodged a bullet with this woman.
Did she cut off all contact with him because he didnt want to go to Florida with her for 3 months.
If dad wants to date i am sure there are plenty of women where he lives. Get him to go to the senior center, volunteer somewhere, join a club doing something he is interested in. There are plenty of socialization opportunities out there.
He has been socializing but is always the single among the couples. But at least he gets out of the house.
I would encourage him to strike up this friendship once again with Joan, throw all caution to the wind, and join her in FLA immediately. I'd accompany him down there myself, if this were my father!
Life is too short to waste one moment worrying about 'morals' or what others may think of him!
I think your dad and Joan may be living in very different worlds.
I would encourage him to join her in Florida.
GG, I seem to recall that your husband with dementia was formerly a self-appointed pastor who it was found had crossed some "moral boundaries" while judging others for their "sins".
I think perhaps you need to stop letting that thinking cloud your judgement when it comes to your father's happiness. Give him permission to enjoy companionship in his old age .
Heck, I teased him when they went out for dinner (she drove, his car was at her house) and he had a little too much to drink. She drove him home rather than letting him go back to her house to retrieve his car. I said, "Well, dad, the neighborhood gossips will have a fine time with this. Your car will be at her house all night."
I wouldn't want to hang out with somebody that their family is hostile towards me to the point of not sharing Thanksgiving with their dad.
It seems that you guys got what you wanted. Your poor dad.
Thanks for the update!
Did you get to meet her?
Did he say why he didn’t want to join her in Florida?
I am sorry that things didn’t work out for your dad.
Has he tried going to a senior center in his community?
The centers in my area are quite active and they are always getting together for lunch and other activities.
Step softly, don't oppose the friendhip, be supportive of what it is. If they start talking marriage, encourage a joining ceremony instead. And remember, even a prenuptial agreement does not keep their funds safe from medical costs when one of the other needs extensive care and needing Medicaid coverage.
Joining ceremony? Interesting…I like it!
It also doesn’t matter that your husband doesn’t agree with it. I am glad that you are sharing in their joy.
As for inheritance, that’s a bit sticky. Is your Dad controlling his own finances, or do you have POA? If he’s controlling his own finances, there’s not much you can do. Getting to know her will help. You’ll be able to see if she’s after anything. Your Dad is love blind. Try to get an idea of her intentions. Does your Dad have any money? Does she have any money? Who footed the bill for the Thanksgiving celebration?
If your husband has dementia, you’ve already got your hands full. Let your Dad enjoy his last few years. Keep one eye and both ears open when getting to know Joan, but from your post, she could be good for your Dad.
Does your husband know this woman personally? My guess is no. She may be better off financially than your father is. Who knows?
Good for your father finding love and companionship again at his age. That is wonderful.
You should most definitely be meeting this Joan who has been making your father so happy. Leave your husband at home. Ignore the rambling dementia nonsense and paranoia about your father's new girlfriend and take the two of them to lunch. Get to know her. She's probably cool.
Moving forward... I took more than a year to get my thoughts / life together (paperwork, etc.) after his death. I had lost him both mentally and physically years before he died so I had already grieved, even though when he passed it was permanent. I needed time to sleep and figure out who I was as an individual and not as part of a couple after so many years.
I, too, met a man about two months ago. He is also a widower. We are 'just friends'. I am not looking for anything more than that. I made it very clear, I have no interest in getting married or living with anyone in the future. We have a lot in common - way back to childhood. We can talk about anything. We have fun together. Regarding the financial aspect... I am blessed to be financially independent. It was hard for him to accept, but I insist we split the cost when we go out to eat or take turn buying tickets, etc. If I went out with a female friend that is how we usually do things.
I know sometimes, especially children (no matter what the age), think that the woman is after their father's money (their inheritance) (or vice versa). I realize that sometimes this is the case.
Adult children, please try to understand, we were used to having someone around 24/7 - all of a sudden we are alone. Yes, I do have a lot of female friends that helped me over the years, but sometimes it is enjoyable to talk with men and get their perspective on a situation.
It's hard to cook for just one person - the motivation just isn't there. When was the last time you ate a meal by yourself? It can be lonesome.
Try to be happy they found each other. From your post, it sounds like they are eating well, enjoying each other, having fun, staying busy and your father is not relying on you for his entertainment and care.
I know it is hard to understand, but I think two people can be friends without wanting anything more.
The question is more about whether or not lady friend, Joan, is taking advantage of your Dad with designs on his money. She may not be. Your husband's (and your own?) concern about your inheritance might be influencing his suspicions. Legally, your father could do paperwork to designate what he would like to go to you, but he does not have to.
Be honest with yourself about how much your own expectations about an inheritance might be in play. Be aware of your dad's relationship and watch for danger signals, but don't create them.
Very well said.
It sounds like your dads companion is in great shape! It's good that he has someone. You might want to make sure that his finances are protected so that if they did something crazy like elope.
I pray that you can see him for Christmas. You and your Dad deserve to be together.
So glad to hear your dad had a wonderful Thanksgiving! That's great news GG!!
Have any of you seen "Our Souls at Night," starring Jane Fonda and Robert Redford? It's about two elderly people who start spending a lot of time together. One is widowed, the other divorced. They have sleepovers, but no sex. They're just friends who are tired of living alone, especially late at night when the whole world is quiet and they lie awake, unable to sleep and wishing they had a person to talk to.
The Robert Redford character is teased by his buddies because they all know he goes to the lady's house and stays overnight. He hates being the subject of their gossip and teasing.
Later, the two fall in love, but it was honestly never part of the plan.
Not all relationships are as chaste and innocent as this fictional one, but in real life it is possible to find love in one's sunset years, or at least a new best friend. Not everybody is a golddigger or a user.
Be watchful and protective. Perhaps in the next few weeks, you'll all get a better idea of what the relationship is becoming.
Maybe it is that and more but really it is nobody‘s business.
Rumours, speculations, does he not have rights to privacy?
Your dad is happy, she is obviously a responsible woman. Who cares if gossip starts because his car was at her home overnight. People are going to believe whatever they want anyways, so why worry about it.
Tell your husband that he needs to love them both, right where they are. If they are behaving inappropriately The Lord will deal with them, it's not his place to judge.
I would love it if my mom could find someone that made her happy.
Being alone and vulnerable is not easy and we should encourage our able minded elders to enjoy their money while they can. Who cares if you get an inheritance if he enjoys his last years. I hope he spends every last penny having a fabulous time with his new lady.
Go and be loving, kind and happy for them. If you don't, you risk alienating him and causing him to be unhappy, surely that's not what you want.
If they are having sex (sorry to upset you sp), good for them. If it's simple companionship they're having, good for them. If it were me in your shoes, I'd dismiss DHs hunch which is baseless, and get to know Joan at the thanksgiving dinner she was gracious enough to invite you to. Leave dh home to be alone if he can't muster up the decency to be social here, and see what you think. It's your father anyway, not his.
Every single human being is entitled to feel love, warmth, and affection from another no matter what their age or lot in life. 😚
Good luck to dad and Joan. And I agree with Fawnby in that Joan will likely be dad's caregiver if and when he needs one, so that's ANOTHER plus for you here.
As for a 92 year old getting it on it reminds me of one post where the mother told her son she was tired of having to give her husband hand jobs. I think they were in their eighties. Or other posts where the man or woman is incontinent, doesn't shower and still wants sex.
Let's not romanticize elderly sex because it ain't all the idealistic high fives and pats on the back people want to give when they hear about two octogenerians getting it on.
If thats the case he obviously is not capable of picking a proper spouse so he should not get remarried.
He's only been widowed 2 1/2 years. Most men looking to get married again at that age do it to have another woman to cook, clean and take care of them. Especially that particular generation of men.
And again why can't be have the companionship without another marriage? I just dont get it.